In order to avoid a future affair, she needs to stop having such personal conversations with men.

She hasn't stopped having such conversations, so it's a sure bet that you have a reason to be as freaked out as you are.

Trust your freaked out gut, rockerman77. Your instincts are right. We can help you make a plan to beat this, but not while you are in denial.

That is exactly how my grandmother used to conduct her affairs half a century ago, except email had not been invented. She claimed her conversations with men were "Bible studies." She went through three marriages and countless men. My mother eventually went wayward herself after refusing to rise above the damage done to her life by her mother.

rockerman77, we know how to beat this and recover the love in your marriage and build a marriage where both you and she are happy, your children are safe, and your emotional needs are met.

Please look at the join dates to the left of posters' names. Look at the number of posts people have written on this site and think how long we have been here and how many marriages we have helped. Do you think we know what works and what doesn't? I encourage you to trust the expertise behind the help you are receiving. If you will trust us and work the plan we are giving you, putting one foot in front of the other and walking the steps whether you feel like it or not (many arrivals here are in shock and do not feel like doing much of anything!), you stand an excellent chance of recovering your loving relationship with your wife, like many people who have been here before you.

We want to help you. Please check up on your wife and find out the reality of the situation so we can help you through the steps of the appropriate plan for you. Don't linger in denial. Find out the truth no matter how much it freaks you out.

You're on here asking for advice from those of us that have built great marriages. We're telling you how and you're resisting our advice and back pedaling on what you originally said. Do you or don't you want the advice?

It freaks me out to think where I would be today if I had not discovered this. My kids might have a lovely step mom.

I had no idea that my marriage was being assaulted behind my back and, until I discovered that, I was just beating my head against the wall fighting the wrong problem.

Please explain to me how clarifying the situation is back pedaling.

Clarifying? Or minimizing?

Did you read our posts about putting a keylogger on her computer? We could just be crazed out, paranoid kooks for all you know. But if you put a keylogger on her computer, you could know FOR SURE what is going on.

Welcome to MB! I too employ you to take heed of the vets here. They are not just guessing and hoping for the best. This stuff actually works. It works even better once both partners understand it. But since your partner is not here trying to understand. And gain perspective as you are we can only offer you the advice. Get your wife here and we can work on her too.

I have seen many posters with perspectives such as yours to see them leave and then come back again to find out we were in fact right. We won't even say I told you so. But rather carry on and help with the next step.

What do you have to lose? Your already losing the battle. Why not saddle up and win the war with us as your allies?

MNG

You said she had an EA and then went on to say how she flirts with men, has secret meetings, hides passwords, chats on Facebook, etc.

Then as we gave suggestions, you stated trying to explain the EA and she needs Facebook and etc to justify and minimize what you had already typed to defend why you shouldn't follow our suggestions.

If you were experienced in an area and someone sought out your guidance and then they said they didn't want to or had a reason why they weren't going to follow your suggestions, how long would you continue to help this individual?

What we're telling you is we've been there, done that, and here's what works.

Here's another example. I had a client that wanted to win a local biggest lower competition. In order for her to do so, I had a plan that she needed to follow. Well she had a reason and excuse why she couldn't do this or that and could she deviate this way and that way. In other words, she wanted to keep doing what she was doing. She eventually did her own thing and did not win. I fired her as a client. A current client of mine followed my plan to a t and won. His wife also followed it and won 2nd.

rockerman, this is a typical EA story. I'm not sure why you've posted this. It doesn't minimize it in any way. Is/was this guy married? Does his wife know about these exchanges with your wife?

I agree with everyone else but am not at all surprised to see you ignoring the advice that you are getting.

When a poster posts an SAA issue in MB101, this alerts me to a big problem. When the poster wants to focus on meeting EN's and ignore the fact that the marriage has never recovered from an A, this alerts me to a REALLY big problem.

And that is denial and fear of angering their WS. If you don't wake up, face the REAL issue here and take some there will be no marriage to save.

No, what you are looking for is us to pat you on the back while you continue to focus on meeting emotional needs when that is not the problem.

You can do everything under the sun to try to meet your WW's ENs and it won't work while she has her LB$ open to other men. We would have told you this had you posted three years ago and reported your recovery plan to us.

In fact, your plan to sweep her affair under the rug and just do a better job of meeting her ENs has only emboldened her.

Enabling a wayward mind that feels entitled to get their needs met by other people DOESN'T WORK. As you can see. Your WW has basically just told you that she is not in love with you and is leaning towards separation.

What is your plan, Rockerman? Are you going to follow MB or continue to follow Plan Rockerman? How has that worked out for you?

My advice:

1) Face the real problem in the marriage -- that your wife is wayward and your M has never recovered from an affair. Abandon Plan Rockerman and ask this thread to be moved to SAA.

2) Get a keylogger installed on the computer/phones that your WW uses.

3) Stop ARGUING and trying to "talk" your wife out of being wayward and giving up her secret second life. This will just drive her further underground. As you can see.

4) Read up on Plan A.

More direction will be given in SAA.

The fact that FB exists doesn't mean you have to use it. The internet is awash with other ways to market a product.

If, however, you MUST keep FB, you need to be the administrator and manager of the account. Meaning your wife does not post on it. You can relay pertinent posts to her and get her input, but YOU do the posting and managing of content.

That's just something to keep in mind for the future - for now, I agree that you should quietly slip a keylogger on the computer to track her activity so you know exactly what you've got.

Hi Everyone...it's been a looooong time since I've posted. I want to bring you up to date and seek some advice.

First, let me say up front that I should have taken your advice! (big surprise right??) My apologies for my stubborn pride. My wife, while in marriage counseling admited to "a friendship that got too close" with another photographer. Lets be honest, it was another emotional affair. I confronted the other man and put a stop to their "friendship". I realize I never did an appropriate MB-based exposure, but I've now told most of my family what happened in the past. Her family doesn't know anything.

I was unable to get hard concrete evidence of the affair because she locked me out of every account she had. However, while chatting with her one day on Facebook, she accidentally messaged me something that she was typing to her girlfriend (another photographer and friend of posom). All of the sudden I get a message saying "for me, it was a wooden take he was going to bend me over on...HAHAHA...ugh". Apparently, he had also been appropriate with my wife's girlfriend also (another married woman). When I received that message and freaked out. Got angry. We had a huge argument where my wife proceeded to say the ever-classic "I'm not in love you". *barf* This all occured about 2 years ago.

After that point we went to marriage counseling. Wife was told that we needed to share a Facebook account. She refused. We continued to have many other arguments. Our marriage progressively got worse. My wife began witholding SF which made me more angry. Both of her grandparents died and she lost her sister to brain cancer, which seemed to make things so much worse.

It all culminated with her moving out of the house 3 months ago because she "needed room to breathe" (another affair red flag). We have 2 kids also and I insisted that the kids spend most nights with me at the house and not at her appartment and she didn't even fight me on that!!

So, obviously, I'm waayyyyy past the point of ruling out an affair and need to do it asap. What are my options with her out of the house? PI, GPS? Also, what if she's having another emotional affair online? Will a PI do me any good at all?

There is very little hope of you turning this around. You refused to take any MB advice when you were here in 2013, and now she has had multiple affairs and has moved out of the house.

Your ONLY chance now is to find out everything you can about her current affair(s) and do a far and wide exposure to all. If you haven't exposed her past affairs expose them too. Especially to the spouse of her past AP's, it doesn't sound like you have done that.

You can follow that with a Plan A, although I don't have much hope for that working after all this time has passed. Sorry.

And stop fooling yourself into thinking these are just meaningless emotional affairs. She was chatting with her friend about being bent over something for pete's sake. You need to stop hiding your head in the sand here and face the reality of this dire situation.

How am I hiding in the sand? I just completely admitted that I was foolish not to take the advice back then and I'm now trying to do what I can. I completely understand how dire it is. I don't think the emotional affairs are "meaningless" and I've come to the point of understanding that I was foolish not to take the advice and understand the gravity of the situation.

I'm really at the point of verifying a current affair and how best to do that and then expose. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I want this marriage to continue or if I should just cut my losses.

Also, POSOM didn't say that to her in person, it was online. Not minimizing at all of how out-of-control unacceptable it is, but just clarifying that it wasn't an in-person thing.

If you still have access to her computer or phone, put a key logger on it.

If you still have access to her car, install a VAR (if you have access to get it back that is).

Hire a PI, they can get you the goods pretty quickly.

Meanwhile, read the Exposure 101 thread and plan for a full blown exposure once you have the goods.

Do you know what Plan A is? Meet her emotional needs, do not love bust. If you are unfamiliar with the emotional needs and what a love buster is, study up. You do NOT want to love bust her when you have such limited interactions with her at this point.

Do these things and figure out later if you want to recover the marriage or not. You can always change direction in the future if you want.