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Have you listened to this? Anger Management 101

Dr. Harley and markos both have learned to eliminate angry outbursts. So, yes there are individuals who have eliminated them.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
He claims medication (abilify) was helping. He still blew up with the therapist but claims he wasn't on it long enough for the full effect. Last night I found out he quit taking it. He said there was no point since he's alone right now.

Like Dr Harley told you, medication does not resolve anger problems. There is no such medication. He needs anger management training to learn new behaviors.

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He also said I'm asking for a guarantee no one can give. So what is expected with the MB program? I feel right in saying I won't live with him until I can be sure he won't have another angry outburst. He thinks he can't promise that. Can someone learn to completely stop having outbursts?

Let him know you will consider it when he PROVES he will have no more angry outbursts. His "guarantee" is meaningless. He has to PROVE it over a long period of time, at least a year.

Of course someone can learn to completely stop having angry outbursts. I am one and so is Dr Harley..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
I just now reiterated I wouldn't live with him if he couldn't and wouldn't consider living with him till I can be sure he'll never have another.

This is the perfect approach. If he can't comply, he can't comply. That just means you won't consider reconciliation. it doesn't matter why or how he does or doesn't, your condition remains the same.

Just stick to your conditions, FG. They are not negotiable. He still seems to imagine that he can negotiate, but he has no leverage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Opinions? I was considering telling my husband about this thread. Dr Harley suggested I NOT tell him to listen to the radio show because he'd probably get mad. I thought maybe he would understand better where I'm coming from reading the thread, but he might very well get mad. Who knows, maybe he'd start his own thread.

After much prayer and crying/screaming to God, I'm in a much better place. Not that it means I'm all on board for reconciliation, but I can forgive (or working on it). Sometimes I have to keep doing it again, but I'm letting go of the hate, anger, and resentment. I can see he was hurting too and feel like I can think better.

I still don't want him to read this though if it might make things worse.

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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
Opinions? I was considering telling my husband about this thread. Dr Harley suggested I NOT tell him to listen to the radio show because he'd probably get mad. I thought maybe he would understand better where I'm coming from reading the thread, but he might very well get mad. Who knows, maybe he'd start his own thread.


Please don't make the mistake of trying to reason with an addict. You can see for yourself that he does not employ any reason. I know you know this. That part of his brain is anesthetized. His only focus is SELF. He is self will run riot and does not care about you or the kids. His only use for you is to get something from you.

Do not tell him about this thread. Your husband is an active drug addict who is in denial. He doesn't need to understand where you are coming from. He only needs to understand your conditions. They are not negotiable.

if you invite him here, he will just tell us off, take it out on you and then you will lose this place as a resource.

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After much prayer and crying/screaming to God, I'm in a much better place. Not that it means I'm all on board for reconciliation, but I can forgive (or working on it). Sometimes I have to keep doing it again, but I'm letting go of the hate, anger, and resentment. I can see he was hurting too and feel like I can think better.

There is not really anything to forgive him FOR, though. He has not changed and he has not asked for forgiveness. He has asekd you and your children to continue to take his abuse because you should feel sorry for him. Nothing to forgive.

You are worrying too much about this, my friend. You need to talk yourself off the cliff and stop spinnig your wheels trying to reason with someone who does not have the ability to reason. If you will hold him accountable, he may eventually regain the ability to use reason again.

Stop worrying about him. Worry about getting your life back in order without him. He is a grown man and it is up to him what to do next.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
I thought maybe he would understand better where I'm coming from reading the thread, but he might very well get mad. Who knows, maybe he'd start his own thread.

It is not that he doesn't 'understand;" it is that he doesn't CARE. I assure you he understands. All he wants is the ability to come home and use and abuse you again. If you won't do that, then he will be mad.

You are only a resource to be utilized to him. THAT IS ALL. This is how addicts view their enablers.

Understanding is HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. STOP worrying about this!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thanks. I won't tell him.

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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
Thanks. I won't tell him.

Good girl!! hug

Can you please calm down and stop allowing him to yank your chain? You have to stop this vicious cycle. He has been yanking you around for years and you must make yourself unavailable to be yanked, even if it means cutting off contact with him.

How can you stop this horrible game he plays with you? You are a very smart, rational woman, but he has taught you to second guess yourself. He is very adept at throwing you off balance. That has to stop. What can you do about this?

Have you looked into Alanon?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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If he weren't in chronic pain I think it would be a lot easier. I guess it's hard to see him as an addict. He is only smoking weed once or twice a week and said he will quit. Still taking suboxone though (that's supposedly not addictive). He says the pain is getting intolerable now.

I did look into AlAnon but couldn't find anything convenient to my house. I was in my cell though so I might look again from the computer.

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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
If he weren't in chronic pain I think it would be a lot easier. I guess it's hard to see him as an addict. He is only smoking weed once or twice a week and said he will quit. Still taking suboxone though (that's supposedly not addictive). He says the pain is getting intolerable now.

You do understand he is a drug addict, right? Why doesn't he consider his many options, such as surgery, cortesteroid shots, etc, avenues that are known to stop the pain? He has many options. Yet he chooses the option that keeps him crippled and addicted to drugs. If he refuses to take those other options then he is choosing to be crippled in pain. There is no reason you should suffer for his poor choices.

You mentioned earlier that he was addicted to painkillers 12 years ago. He is still addicted to drugs. All he did was switch his source to something else. He has switched to marijuana and sometimes alcohol. We call it "switching addictions" in AA and NA. A drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. That is all that has happened here.

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I did look into AlAnon but couldn't find anything convenient to my house. I was in my cell though so I might look again from the computer.

I would check it out when you get on your home computer. There are thousands of groups and meetings in the US.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
He is only smoking weed once or twice a week and said he will quit.

But he hasn't quit, so it doesn't matter what he says. The only thing that matters is how long has it been since he used the drug.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You are worrying too much about this.

Lesson learned - the hard way. I developed a rash that turns out to be shingles. Luckily it's not a very bad case, but still painful.


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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You are worrying too much about this.

Lesson learned - the hard way. I developed a rash that turns out to be shingles. Luckily it's not a very bad case, but still painful.

ouch!! I get them when I get stressed out. Very painful. How are you doing? How is he doing?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I am doing ok. Seeing it all affecting my health made me realize I need to think of myself (for a change).

He is ok I suppose. He is working on finding an apartment with a roommate. I assume he's still smoking weed once or twice a week like he said. He's also looking for a new doctor to prescribe Suboxone (although a narcotic it's supposedly non addictive because it contains an antagonist that stops the "high"). He says he'll quit smoking but I don't think he will suboxone - says he needs something to help with pain. And I haven't asked him about the anger management.

I did email the Harley's again and still no reply. Any ideas about getting the free book?

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I will contact Dr Harley and bring this to his attention. Which book were you supposed to receive?


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They didn't mention it at the end of the show so I don't know. I was on the air 10/2.

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Any word yet on the book from being on the air? It was over a month ago. I've emailed the Harley's twice with no reply. Kind of disappointed as that was one of the reasons I agreed to the show. Thanks for the help.

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Originally Posted by FlowerGirl5
Any word yet on the book from being on the air? It was over a month ago. I've emailed the Harley's twice with no reply. Kind of disappointed as that was one of the reasons I agreed to the show. Thanks for the help.

Why don't you email them directly again sending your name and address and radio date? I am sure it was just an oversight. I have received almost every MB book I own for free over the years. I wouldn't be disappointed over them being slow in sending a FREE book.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Why don't you email them directly again sending your name and address and radio date?
Or email JustUss, who offered to help. Just say what book you'd like, and that'll be passed on to Dr H.


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Yes, please send me an email letting me know which book you want. I WILL get ahold of him & Joyce!


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