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Originally Posted By: lostandscorned


So why would he continue to do this behavior if he wasn't getting anything out of it??? That's what I ask him. Btw about a year ago I noticed he had bumps on his penis. Warts?? He told me it was from his last GF, but that was 4 years ago??? I can't believe that it takes that long for them to come out??? I haven't noticed anything on me though.


He's getting something out of it, even if it's not something physical. Which I doubt. Men are goal oriented. If I message someone about having sex, I want to go have sex. I wouldn't waste my time trying to get something I didn't want. Men don't work that way.

Probably HPV. You may not notice signs yourself but it can cause cervical cancer in females. Why not both have tests done?

Originally Posted By: Prisca
Quote:
I work and he takes care with the children.

He is a child molester. You can bet on it.


My first thought too...

Lies.
Just being sketchy with the phone means he is doing something he *knows* you would not agree with, but is doing it anyways. He just wishes to avoid your reactions. It's easier for him to do what he wants that way. Plus he is getting so much sex from you, why would he want to ruin a good thing?
Addicted to unfulfilling sexual acts and fantasies with other people. Even if this is an addiction, it's not a healthy one.
Lies. If there is nothing to hide he should be hiding nothing.
If I've learned anything here, it's that secrecy is the breeding ground for bad things to happen. If after four years he won't respect you enough to be open with his activity or even show a desire to change it........ yeah.
Expression of wanting to ramp up the counseling just sounds like a way to make you be quiet and give him more sex.

On a more kind note, I know it has to be rough feeling stuck and being financially dependent on such a person. There has to be help out there or a way to have your children looked after. I don't mean by such a sexually driven person either, I wouldn't let a child anywhere near a person with that type of personality/addiction.

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I am very concerned about your children. Prisca is 100% right, many many MANY children are molested/raped and even killed by the mother's boyfriend. Yes you are making terrible choices for your own health and sanity. But good grief, you are a MOTHER and you need to stop considering yourself and your wants and put your children first. You are putting them in extremely harmful situations, your concern for that needs to trump your concern for yourself.

Stop using the excuse that you need to work and make a living as a reason to put your children in this harmful situation. Many single mothers work and even go to school while managing to care for their children without leaving them in the care of a sexual pervert. Every state has social services to help you if you are that disadvantaged. Have you even looked into what your options are?

There is lots to say about the destructive decisions you are making for yourself, but right now I don't even want to waste time talking about that because your children's safety trumps it.

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Originally Posted By: lostandscorned
As I said before, I really feel kind of stuck. Have to work to pay my bills, children, family not close. I feel stuck with this person at this point because we have continued to build a life together.


Originally Posted By: unwritten
Many single mothers work and even go to school while managing to care for their children without leaving them in the care of a sexual pervert.


I think you need to quit being so emotional and start carefully, methodically investigating your options and solve your problems. Get you and your children out of there (go to a women's shelter if you have to) and then find a new way to make things work.

Originally Posted By: lostandscorned
I know it seems that way and yes I do want to talk as well. I just feel very stuck in this.


I don't want to talk, and I have very limited time. I want to help people solve their problems and have better lives. If I sense someone is not going to do anything about their problems I will take my limited time and post to someone who can be helped. You are not stuck and you have lots of options. You need to find one and use it TODAY.

Last edited by markos; 10/21/15 11:40 AM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: lostandscorned


Yes he is definitely a sexual deviant. He's hitting up men on craigslist, gloryhole stuff, all of that. I caught him participating in an email chain having to do with gang bangs and orgies, like trying to participate.

Doesn't sound like a man who should be alone with kids for one second. Please protect your children!

Are you divorced or only separated? If you are not legaly divorced, you should not be dating at all.

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I'd look him up on the sex offenders registry too. Not saying he would be but if he is it should automatically make up your mind in what to do.

Prisca #2868205 10/21/15 08:04 PM
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Kick him out now. Have the children checked by the the pediatrician tomorrow. There is no time to wait.

Have you had the child support adjusted since the divorce? In 4 years, there may be some changes to the calculation. Check your expenses too. Overspending on housing, transportation and utilities will sink your ship faster than anything else.

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Lost and concerned:

Your boyfriend is testing you in that he's trying to pick out an enabling spouse. This is a very typical behavior of a pedophile. The test is how much can she know and still stay with me? How groomable is she? How much can I get by with?

So far you are passing his tests with flying colors while financially supporting him, too:

--caught him on sex sites
--allowed him privacy to continue his behavior; caught him again
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him and allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)


--caught him sending sexts
--caught him sending sexts to men
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him & allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)


--caught him soliciting men for sex
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him & allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)

--saw bumps on his penis
--bought the outrageous suggestion that they were latent for 4 years and showing up now -even though he knows you know he has recently been soliciting deviant sex all over the place
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him & allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)

--has an entrapped victim who will let him get away with ANYTHING while continuing to support him and give him private and unfettered access to her children.

Please read this link of a woman who was married to a pedophile for 40 years. She describes all of the enabling she did, ignorantly and blindly, while her x-husband only became more and more bold. No one called him out on his increasingly outrageous behavior and he was allowed to victimize children - likely hundreds or thousands of them - for decades.

http://www.findingahealingplace.com/2013...ng-of-my-story/

You are truly a frog well boiled by now. You are observing outrageous behavior but have been acclimated to it step by step so you can't see it. We can see it.

PLEASE don't leave your children with him for another day; please take time off work if necessary to apply for social services help for daycare or flee to a women's shelter with your children.

You need to immediately ask the children all about their time with this predator.

PLEASE GET OUT NOW!!!

Hugs and prayers,
Sunnytimes

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Lost and concerned:

This is a very difficult thing for you to consider or possibly acknowledge, but if you are unable to procure daycare for your children and if your child support does not allow you to support them, your children would be far better with their father's custody than being watched by a likely pedophile all day.

Alternatively, can you move closer to your xHusband so he can share this responsibility?

Can you move closer to either of your parents for child care help?

No job or reason to stay in your locality is worth the molestation your children are likely suffering at the hands of this sexually deviant man.

More hugs and prayers,
Sunnytimes


Last edited by Sunnytimes; 10/22/15 11:54 AM.
Prisca #2868312 10/24/15 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Get him out of your life today. Protect your children.

Please tell me you've done this^^^^^?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You've already received some very good advice here, to which you haven't responded. Boot him out of your life today and then buy a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It's important to be able to recognize what you do want and what you don't want.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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