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Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
In terms of having access to funds.. if I were to try to put myself in my wife's shoes, I would think the following:
You did not marry you.
And, like it or not, financial support is a biggie for a majority of women (even those with careers of their own).
Don't judge her for that.

OK, but this is where we really get stuck.. the financial support need is really hard to meet without the POJA... without the POJA, I am in a NO WIN situation.. here is the conversation that we had;

a) I give her all the money, then we run out of money and the bills can't all get paid.. services get just off, checks bounce.. she is extremely upset and blames me.

Do you tell her ahead of time when the bills are due?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
In terms of having access to funds.. if I were to try to put myself in my wife's shoes, I would think the following:
You did not marry you.
And, like it or not, financial support is a biggie for a majority of women (even those with careers of their own).
Don't judge her for that.

OK, but this is where we really get stuck.. the financial support need is really hard to meet without the POJA... without the POJA, I am in a NO WIN situation.. here is the conversation that we had;

a) I give her all the money, then we run out of money and the bills can't all get paid.. services get just off, checks bounce.. she is extremely upset and blames me.
b) if that happens, she will say.. i counted on YOU to protect us and manage this..
c) I say.. OK, I will protect us and manage the finances so we will be taken care of. In order to do that.. here is all we can afford this month for you to spend and I can get all the other bills paid
d) she says you are too controlling with the money.. I want all of it.
e) I say fine... you can have access to all the money, but lets do this together so that we can get everything paid. Lets pay our bills together. lets follow the POJA
f) She says.. .see you don't care about me.. you read about POJA in some stupid book...stop reading books and listen to me instead.
g) OK.. I will listen to you.. how would you like to manage it, please tell me what you think?
h) No, you just don't care about me.. we can't talk about this anymore.

This is how it goes... WHAT DO I DO???

I don't think you should talk to her about the policy of joint agreement. Just tell her when you don't want to do something. "I don't like that idea because we need $100 on the 15th for the electric bill." Then see how she responds.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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OK... good idea. sometimes I tell her, I think that might not be a good idea because things are really tight this month because we have xyz bill due. She seems to react OK to that.

I think deep down, she really DOES want me to handle the finances and take care of her needs. I think this really comes down to her feeling really selfish right now and feeling she isn't getting her piece of the pie.

Thinking back on our relationship.. .she would write me notes on my birthday or fathers day always saying what a hard worker I was and how much she appreciates me for that and taking care of the family (I still have these notes). I was happy to provide for her because she appreciated it so much. Me meeting her need for financial support works just fine when her giver/taker are in balance...she would make my lunch for the next day, iron my shirts, rub my back etc... now that she has opposite sex friends, this affair, whatever.. only her taker comes out to play and nothing seems to be enough.


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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
In terms of having access to funds.. if I were to try to put myself in my wife's shoes, I would think the following:
You did not marry you.
And, like it or not, financial support is a biggie for a majority of women (even those with careers of their own).
Don't judge her for that.

OK, but this is where we really get stuck.. the financial support need is really hard to meet without the POJA... without the POJA, I am in a NO WIN situation.. here is the conversation that we had;

a) I give her all the money, then we run out of money and the bills can't all get paid.. services get just off, checks bounce.. she is extremely upset and blames me.

Do you tell her ahead of time when the bills are due?

Yes.. she understands the monthly bills, but she doesn't understand the bills that come once a year.. I would say we need to lay out all those things like our property tax bill, or HOA bill, or insurance premium and save each month so when those are due, we have the money to pay them. She would just say.. that is too complicated, I can only look at one month.

I said.. her is a solution... I will open another bank account, part of my paycheck will go in there each month so that the money will be there when these annual bills are due... then the rest of it, you can just manage month to month.

She says... that is silly... why do you need all these bank accounts.

Then, for some reason.. I just brought this up again the other day and she said.. that is a really good idea! I like it. Now that she thinks we are getting divorced.. my logic makes sense... when we are married is doesn't make sense.

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All.. I know this is alot of posting.. but this is what is going to help save my marriage. In normal circumstances.. all this nuance is no big deal.. we would love eachother and these things would have little effect.. Now, everything is under the microscope. I think I'm not committing a love buster, but in her eyes I am and she is hyper sensitive to it because in her mind I am this horrible Jerk of a guy that she wants to divorce and she is looking to validate that feeling with everything I do.

Without your help, I would not know what I am doing wrong... and this is helping me so much to try to improve myself.

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I want to make a suggestion here.

I have had a lot of questions why my WW is doing what she is doing and why.

On a whim I desided to get Doc Harley book "buyers renters and freeloaders" I just stated to listen to the book I am about chapter 3 now.

I tell you what alot of my questions are being answered and a clearer understand what's going on.

So plz get the book or audio book and give it a good read or listening, alot of your questions you have been asking I think will be answered.



BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Your wife is the one who determines if you have angry outbursts, not you. So if she says you've had one, you need to take it seriously.

I was thinking about this... I don't think you mean she decides if I had an angry outburst..really, she decides if she is hurt by my actions and I decide if I am hurt by her actions. Dr Harley is referring to angry outbursts as temporary insanity...momentary loss of control.. That is NOT what is happening now. It has happened in years past when I did not know how destructive it was... but I have eliminated that VERY easily. I found that I wasn't really losing my temper at those times.. I was just trying to get attention in a negative way.. but I was acting like a Jerk. It was easy for me to just stop it cold turkey. What she does now.. if I get quiet or something is to throw it back in my face "what are you going to do... ? Throw a tantrum like you did 5 years ago?"... it's like she taunts me with the past. It's very abusive to me the way she does that. She has even brought up an event 14 years old to throw back in my face. I wrote her a note recently telling her how hurt I felt when she those past mistakes in my face. I asked to please stick to issues at hand and also please tell me if I am doing anything at all to hurt her.

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You are wrong. Prisca is correct. Angry outbursts punish your spouse for behaving differently than you desire. You dont have to yell and to have an angry outburst.

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Please stick to the issues at hand = i dont have to address that and dont care how badly i behaved. Which is EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL.

You should have stated you are sorry you behaved that way in The past and you are learning that it is better to walk away than to hurt her/behave badly.

Last edited by apples123; 12/07/15 05:16 PM.
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Originally Posted by apples123
You are wrong. Prisca is correct. Angry outbursts punish your spouse for behaving differently than you desire. You dont have to yell and to have an angry outburst.
That is definitely not what is happening.. in no way am I trying to punish her.. I am really just feeling hurt.

Regardless of what it is called... what do I do about it?

Last edited by typicalman; 12/07/15 05:17 PM.
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Feeling hurt is not a reason to hurt your spouse.

Eta: would you accept that excuse from your kids? Of course not.

Last edited by apples123; 12/07/15 05:18 PM.
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Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Prisca
Your wife is the one who determines if you have angry outbursts, not you. So if she says you've had one, you need to take it seriously.

I was thinking about this... I don't think you mean she decides if I had an angry outburst..really, she decides if she is hurt by my actions and I decide if I am hurt by her actions.

I meant what I said, actually, and I'm just repeating what Dr. Harley says.

You would do well to stop debating and start learning.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006b_qa.html

You can call it hurt or frustrated or whatever, nothing makes it right.

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I find it interesting that you have immediately discounted Prisca's advice each time she posted. She is a only regular poster who has a great deal in common with who you would like your wife to become. She is a SAHM who withdrew from an angry, disrespectful husband, who had an EA, who became a former WW in a very happy marriage. Were I you, I would listen to her carefully.

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I am really at a loss here... being hurt, sad, quiet= angry outburst.. OK , if that is true, fine... BUT what do I do instead... that is what I keep asking... I don't know what to do.

I feel like I landed on another planet where I get yelled at, called names, and put down to the point where I go to another room and cry... but I still have an anger problem. I am completely defeated at this point.

Last edited by typicalman; 12/07/15 07:49 PM.
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Walking away is fine. assess yourself though, was your tone sharp, did you give a heavy sigh and shake your head, Did you stomp or close the door loudly?

My husband has never need yelling or names to express his anger. But he was still having an angry outburst.

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Also,you are the one here. If your wife were here asking for advice, we would be just as tough with her. This is the future of your family you are trying to win. Don't leave any avenue for victory unexplored.

Having an unrepentant wayward for a grandparent is super gross.

Last edited by apples123; 12/07/15 08:05 PM.
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Originally Posted by apples123
Also,you are the one here. If your wife were here asking for advice, we would be just as tough with her. This is the future of your family you are trying to win. Don't leave any avenue for victory unexplored.

Please help me.. my wife just put me down a second ago.. I just feel like I'm going to cry.. I am in another room so I don't cry on front of her, but I know she is mad at me for walking out. What can I do to prevent myself from feeling sad or hurt... how do I make all my emotions go away completely or not show it? or bottle it up?

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You can't make your emotions go away. Tell her you needed a break. Say it softly.

Eventually this won't hurt because you will either have a recovered marriage or be in Plan B/D.

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Act on the plan you have, not on your emotions.

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