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Thank you for your quick response. I've actually spoken with Dr. Harley and he says all I can really do is to wait out the affair since It's already exposed. Both of our families know.

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Both of your families may no, but you've exposed to NO ONE on the OW's side. You need to do some research and find some info.


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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I dont know anyone on her side. I don't know who she socializes with, who are friends are, they no longer work together....Kinda stumped. And concerned that Plan B'ing will do more damage than good at this point...he gets upset when I ask if he is still seeing her and says he isn't and that he is alone and all he wants to do is focus on work.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
I dont know anyone on her side. I don't know who she socializes with, who are friends are, they no longer work together....Kinda stumped. And concerned that Plan B'ing will do more damage than good at this point...he gets upset when I ask if he is still seeing her and says he isn't and that he is alone and all he wants to do is focus on work.

You should find out who her family and friends are and expose to them. You should also do a proper exposure to his family. I seriously doubt that you did that.

You should also go into Plan B ASAP. You are ruining any chance of reconciliation by hanging around making yourself available as Option #2. It makes you much less attractive and will destroy your mental health.

Your husband is actively conducting His affair and you need to stop ASKING him about it and just get the evidence. Of course he will tell you no. Can you hire a PI? A PI will get you all the evidence you need in a couple of days.

My dear, you are being way too timid and inactive. You can't save a marriage sitting around doing nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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His family is well aware of the details. All of them. And when I bring it up, they simply tell me to move one and get over him at this point. But I still want our marriage. I have been in No Contact with him for a few weeks now. I have evidence also but no, I cant afford to hire a PI, i can barely afford to pay my rent at this point bc of all of this.

How wil all of this help if he has already left and stated he wants a D? And why Plan B vs Plan A?

Last edited by Winning11; 01/03/16 01:56 PM.
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Does he pay his part of the rent? I'm not from your side of the ocean and therefore not in a position to give legal advice, but I think you should get yourself protected legally asap.

You know at what company the OW works, you know her position. You know several of her friends. Investigate. Does the company have a website? Search for a list of employees. Use Facebook to find her identity (search for pictures of work-related events, like teambuilding or X-mas party, she will probably be tagged in one of the pictures). It cannot be that difficult to find out her name.

Did you inform her employer about the unethical behaviour of their employees?

edit: i read you know her identity, so finding who to expose to on her side should be easy. Facebook and google will help you find her friends and relatives.

Last edited by goody2shoes; 01/03/16 02:15 PM.
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You (women) should not be longer than 3 weeks in plan A, because it will be too hard on you. Plan B will protect you from the abuse. If you stay in plan A too long, it will be more difficult to recover.

Plan B will alow you to recover personally. Wether or not your marriage will recover is not certain, but plan B tends to upset the average WH, because he isn't in control anymore.

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He says he will/still helping me out financially and is taking care of the bills but needs some time to get more money together for our larger responsibilities. Obviously, him paying for his room for rent is making it more difficult on our finances. He's just made all of these erratic moves and statements in such a short period of time and everyone is just being completely thrown for a loop every single time. And no one is talking to me, at all. I'm so hurt, lonely, missing him but angry.

They no longer work together so I'm trying to figure out how this will all make sense?

Last edited by Winning11; 01/03/16 02:43 PM.
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What exactly did you tell his family? Did you ask for their help? If you have evidence then you don't need to hire a PI.

Your husband is unlikely to want a divorce if his affair is over and that is what exposure can often achieve. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure, it can't survive an ongoing affair,


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, when he initially left, I told them everything he told me, timeframes, when/where, etc. and they were completely supportive, encouraging and helpful. In fact, he's been unhappy for over a year and they have been counseling him to stay in the marriage since then but we never got proper help. He came to his breaking point and gave up without talking to me about it and how I feel. Obviously the OW made him feel better than I did and feel like he was missing something being married. His family still thinks he is making a bad decision but they told me they've done all they can do and he has to make his own decisions and lie in his own bed.

A little background, we're both 31, have been together for over 8 years and married 4 with no kids. I love him dearly and I know he still loves me. But he's never used the D word before and the way he's been acting toward me is so unlike him. All of our friends and family are just shocked, hurt and mortified by the entire thing. He thinks we're growing apart and the relationship can't work. I agree it can't work the way it was but what I keep praying is that we have another chance to rebuild something new that does in fact, work.

What would further exposure to her friends do? Make me look desperate and pitiful? She's an idiot and I would only be showing that I am trying to take my husband back from her as she sits there and laughs bc apparently my husband has shared our life with her. I know my H is the one who made the decision to do what he did but I don't want to feed into her smugness.



Last edited by Winning11; 01/03/16 03:12 PM.
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Originally Posted by Winning11
What would further exposure to her friends do? Make me look desperate and pitiful? She's an idiot and I would only be showing that I am trying to take my husband back from her as she sits there and laughs bc apparently my husband has shared our life with her. I know my H is the one who made the decision to do what he did but I don't want to feed into her smugness.

What exposure would do is prevent her from bringing your cheating husband around her family. It would make her look like a desperate fool to be carrying on with a married man. Most parents wouldn't allow a married man to darken their doorstep. And while she may have a family who doesn't care, it would take all the fun out of their affair. Why would you want to allow her to parade around with your husband without telling everyone that she is just a pig wearing lipstick? I seriously doubt her family knows she is shagging a married man.

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What would further exposure to her friends do? Make me look desperate and pitiful?

The goal here is not to gain the approval of crapwits, but to cause trouble in their affair by exposing to everyone. If someone thinks you are "desperate and pitiful" for exposing 2 pigs in the pigpen, why would you care about the opinion of such a person? Who cares? Exposure will make it very hard for that skank to parade around like she won some prize. You will be warning other women to watch their marriages around her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Winning11
Yes, when he initially left, I told them everything he told me, timeframes, when/where, etc. and they were completely supportive, encouraging and helpful.
So everything you know is from his mouth. You don't know the real truth. You only know the story he told you.
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In fact, he's been unhappy for over a year and they have been counseling him to stay in the marriage since then but we never got proper help. He came to his breaking point and gave up without talking to me about it and how I feel. Obviously the OW made him feel better than I did and feel like he was missing something being married. His family still thinks he is making a bad decision but they told me they've done all they can do and he has to make his own decisions and lie in his own bed.
If there is an affair, there's nothing you can do to save you marriage. I bet the affair started before he felt miserable. People having an affair tend to feel bad about their deceit every now and then. Later, they rewrite history and blame the bad marriage for their bad choices.
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A little background, we're both 31, have been together for over 8 years and married 4 with no kids. I love him dearly and I know he still loves me. But he's never used the D word before and the way he's been acting toward me is so unlike him. All of our friends and family are just shocked, hurt and mortified by the entire thing. He thinks we're growing apart and the relationship can't work. I agree it can't work the way it was but what I keep praying is that we have another chance to rebuild something new that does in fact, work.
An adulterer is very much unlike the person he was. An affair is an addiction and people having an affair are not in their right mind. This is not the husband you know and love, but it's like an alien has taken over his body and you need to protect yourself from this man.
And describing an affair as growing apart is vey wayward. Don't believe a word from his mouth. This isn't the man you love, but a known liar who twists the truth.
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What would further exposure to her friends do? Make me look desperate and pitiful? She's an idiot and I would only be showing that I am trying to take my husband back from her as she sits there and laughs bc apparently my husband has shared our life with her. I know my H is the one who made the decision to do what he did but I don't want to feed into her smugness.
And you know he still loves you.. You probably are a very lovable woman, or he wouldn't have married you in the first place. But it didn't stop him from having an affair, nor will it make him come to his senses and restore your marriage.

My married boyfriend was in love with me, but also loved his wife. None of his actions reflected loving care. If he cared for either one of us, he wouldn't have betrayed us both. His love for me was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Don't think too much of his feelings for you, focus on his actions. If you are a nice person, it is easy to love you. But sadly, loving you doesn't mean he will end the affair.

Because of the crazy nature of an affair, following the MB plan is essential for recovery.

Last edited by goody2shoes; 01/03/16 04:55 PM. Reason: typo
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I am in fact dealing with an alien, you're right. But I still love him as my husband. I'm confused on why you say, "If there is an affair, there's nothing you can do to save you marriage," when most of the people on here are dealing with infidelity.

What MB plan are you referring to and for recovery of myself and/or the marriage?


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The affair must end for the marriage to have any chance. Exposure is the first step in MB and your best chance of killing the affair so your marriage has a chance.

Is that clearer?

What artcles have you read?

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If you work MB, you will recover, either within the marriage or without.

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You can be the best spouse EVER and still be unable to create a happy marriage if your spouse is in an affair. Your efforts are severely downgraded or discounted in favor of the affair partner.


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Ive mentioned that the affair is already exposed and out there. Everyone important knows. They no longer work together. Maybe I'm not seeing the next steps here b/c who else is there to expose to? Im currently in the midst of a somewhat of 180 and prepping for Plan A. I want my husband back. I want our marriage, obviously.

Last edited by Winning11; 01/03/16 11:05 PM.
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I'm also asking for prayers to be honest. The situation looks impossible but I know God is working in this somehow.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
Ive mentioned that the affair is already exposed and out there. Everyone important knows. They no longer work together. Maybe I'm not seeing the next steps here b/c who else is there to expose to? Im currently in the midst of a somewhat of 180 and prepping for Plan A. I want my husband back. I want our marriage, obviously.

This affair hasn't been exposed to her family and friends. I would wager there are many more who don't know. Not sure what you mean by prepping for Plan A. It is the complete opposite of the 180. Even so, it is time for Plan B. But if you expect to have any hope at all you need to do a much more comprehensive exposure. That is the best advice we can give you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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