Hello and thank you for reading.

Some background: my husband and I have been married for 2 years. I am 45, he is 59. We were friends before we dated for several years, knowing each other through a pool league that my husband owns.

Six months after we married, I found out my husband lied to me. All of the lies were about finances. To summarize, he lied about his income and assets (he also lied about lying when originally confronted. I had paperwork to prove I knew the truth.) The volume of lies he told me to keep these lies alive is just crazy. The kind of lies he told, even crazier.

I was absolutely devastated. He had been lying to me since were friends, and the truth meant that the responsible man I married was actually very irresponsible and selfish.

My husband comes from an abusive childhood. So do I. When I was a child, I developed a habit of lying to avoid punishment. That habit morphed into lying to boost my image to others. It all came from a place of shame. Because I used to lie as well (I don't anymore, not consciously anyway), I chose to stay with my husband and try to understand the source of his lying rather than judge him. The condition was that he never lie to me again.

Six months later, I found out he was lying to me about something else. He had started smoking again (he gave it up right before asking me out for the first time as I'd mentioned casually once that I couldn't date a smoker.) One night after pool league, when he thought I was long gone, I saw him smoking outside. Rather than confront him right away, I watched his behavior for a week ... he would come home, run upstairs to wash his hands, brush his teeth and throw his clothes in the washing machine. It was quite the coverup. And it alarmed me. I would discover later he lied about being a smoker on a life insurance application. The length my husband would go to hide lies from me was definitely not okay.

Again I confronted him and again he denied it. Sigh. Of course, I could prove it, and so he eventually admitted the truth.

Two months later I started to see a therapist on my own. I was now practically a hermit, ashamed of my marriage and myself, depressed and unhappy. The trust was shattered and I felt like a fool.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I caught my husband in a broken promise (about finances again.) Convinced he thought I was an idiot or a doormat or worse, I left that same night. I've been staying with my parents since.

We have other marriage issues as well. "Basic Concepts" that our marriage fails are: undivided attention (I have thought about leaving him due to neglect), sex, admiration, angry outbursts, critical judgments, selfish demands, and probably others. We are very broken. For these issues, I am equally responsible.

However, even separated, we do have a dialogue. I've seen my husband twice since I left and we've talked. The first time I told him he needed to see a counselor about the lying before we can start to rebuild and address the other issues. I saw him again last night. While he hasn't seen a therapist yet, he has picked one out and has been reading online about why he lies. He says he will set up an appointment this week.

My question to the forum is: am I right to be separated right now, or have I done more damage? Am I right to insist he address the lying before we work to heal the other parts of our marriage (we have both read the Basic Concepts and think it pretty much covers off all of our issues)? And do we have any hope?

Thank you so much for reading. I know this was long-winded and I greatly appreciate any insight any of you may have.

- Fergusette

Hi Fergusette, welcome to Marriage Builders. Here is an article that addresses your issue. You can also get direct help from Dr Harley by emailing his radio show. [it is free] Honesty and Openness (Part 2)

radio show

Thank you, MelodyLane. I actually read that article last night, and its the reason I'm not sure if I should have separated or not. The spouse being lied to in that article has made demands on his fianc�e/wife that she is rebelling against... in my case I never insisted my husband have $XX in assets or income or that he quit smoking.

The policy of joint agreement and the ability to better negotiate will for sure help our marriage, but the lying I think is its own animal and not the product of our marriage issues.

Am I right to be separated and insist on going back only after he's shown a commitment to working out his issues with dishonesty? Or should I be living in the house while he's doing this (to be fair, there were other smaller lies throughout and I did warn him that I would not tolerate it and eventually leave. Asking him to a see a counselor is entirely new).

I am so very grateful for Dr. and Joyce Harley, for taking the time to read my email on their radio show today. You asked me to go back to the beginning and ask myself, if I knew then what I know now about his finances, would I have married him? The answer is a very clear 'no'. I've been manipulated, defrauded and duped.

You remind me that he is 59, a seasoned liar, with a willingness to lie about very big, important stuff. This marriage was doomed before it began, and there isn't anything I could have ever really done to change that fact.

Thank you again for the clarity. My only regret is that I didn't find this website much sooner.

What was Dr. Harley's advice?

Here's your radio clips.

Radio Clip of Fergusette's e-mail
Segment 2

Oh, I see - this post was their advice. They asked whether Fergusette would have married him had she known what she know now, and whatever her answer would be, that was the way to proceed. Since her answer is no she would not have married him, the logical conclusion is that she should divorce him.