You're very welcome and so glad to see you posting.

needinput,

Did you read this?

Yes I did. Today things appear much clearer to me. I do believe the affair is still going on, he just lies about it. I am positive about it now. I really think I have too many things going against me here. His superiors can't and won't do anything - his Sgt. told me he cannot force or impose restrictions on either of us. So my husband won't stop communicating with her and she is proactive because she knows she can get a ticket into the US. The Sgt. knows he is in an affair, I told him everyone in the unit knows. Besides I was so shocked by the fact my husband wanted a divorce that I was actually crying on the phone when talking to his Sgt. The Sgt even agreed with me that the AP is most likely manipulating him and said typically juicy girls try to get pregnant from soldiers there. The other problem is we have been separated so it was easy for my husband become completely detached from me. At least, I was able to scare the heck out of him and her so they could see how reckless they are and may be take away from the glamor of their affair.

Something interested he said: "Now, because you reported me I see a different part of your personality. I do not trust anyone now." What the hell is he thinking, that he is safe and I won't report him? Really?

As you said, the SGt. Isn't the usual Peron. He doesn't know what he is talking about. Your H commuted a crime. They can order no contact. They do it all the time.

For your education...
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2315999

needinput, you are not reporting to the right person. Find the commander and report to him.

Don't give up.

Should my husband know who the IM for plan B is or should I not say? Does it make any difference? A friend he knows is willing to help me with this.

YOU choose the IM. He doesn't need to agree. In fact he will resist. Too bad so sad.

Choose the best person for the job, someone who will protect you and agree to only act as a spam filter. Your husband will not likely want to cooperate but he will when he sees you are serious. Have you started writing your letter? Do you understand how plan b works?

Absolutely. The Commander is the person to give a no contact order. Go directly to him/her. The 1SG may not even be telling the Commander what is going on.

AM

I was told the commander is not back from the deployment.

Who's the Acting Commander?

What's going on, input? Have you been dealing with this?

Thanks for asking. After I reported him, he told me that the AP did him wrong, that he gave everything from himself and is now done with relationships and wants to be single. I wrote him a letter and I stopped communicating with him.

He came home this week to file for divorce. He is staying at the apartment in a separate room and leaving tomorrow. He seems much more like himself now. There is definitely a difference in his attitude. Apparently, he broke it off with the girl because "she did him wrong" (his words). He refuses to tell me what has happened but he says he has nothing to do with her anymore. I know I can believe this because of how he reacts when I ask about her which is very different from how he acted before. He did tell me that he actively tried to make her pregnant the month before he came back home (after she tried to get pregnant) to make sure she stays with him. He tells me even though they are no longer together he wants to be single, does not want to be in a relationship with anyone, does not want to feel responsible for anyone, and does not love me anymore. He acknowledges this is pure selfishness. He said he has changed and is no longer the person he used to be. He wants to live on his own and will be much happier without me or even without being in a relationship with anyone. He says that he feels more productive when he is on his own and does not like the fact that he has to consider me in any of his decisions and that I slow him down. Even though I am very independent and far from high maintenance as a woman, he still feels like I add pressure to his life due to the fact that he is committed to me. He tells me I am "a catch" and someone will be very fortunate to have me. It makes me furious that he talks to me this way. He is not willing to rebuild what we have because he is in a selfish state of mind and there is nothing I can do to help him see a good side in staying married.

His listening and communication skills are horrible. It is pretty hard having a meaningful conversation without him interrupting me or him getting angry because he has no patience discussing things. When I try to get answers for myself so I can come to terms with all this and heal from it, he does not provide answers to me but repeats the same thing to me: "I am done. I want a divorce. What do you not understand about this?" I ask him a specific question and his response is "I am done". He thinks that by me trying to talk to him so I can get answers for myself I am trying to manipulate him somehow into changing his mind. Just today he called me all possible devaluing words one can think of. I heard the most unbelievable things - things I never thought I would hear from him, from the person who used to tell me and show me how much he loved me every day. Honestly, today I do not think I want him as a husband any more.

He told me he hates me...that he can't wait to divorce me because he would be so much happier without me. He threatened me and yelled uncontrollably in order to manipulate me to do things. He basically tells me throughout the relationship there were things that were bothering him but he would just sweep them under the rug because he is a laid back person. But everything that he mentioned he said it with such hate I could not believe it. He said he let these issues unaddressed, his feelings bottle up and now he exploded (after seeing that with his AP he did not have to do work on a relationship to be happy). He probably resented me for things for years and never told me so the whole time I thought everything was fine. I know certain instances and behaviors that he did not like - like me focusing on grad school instead of paying attention to him - but honestly this is a part of life, and he should know this is temporary. Grad school is very stressful and requires a lot of dedication and hard work. I actually thought that he was proud of me and supported me. It turns out this is one of the main reasons he wants to divorce me in addition to the fact that he does not love me anymore - because all these years I have been in school going through my bachelors to my doctorate, telling me I am too focused on my goals. He just has a bachelors and does not understand how stressful grad school is and probably cannot appreciate what I am going through. Apparently I never gave him enough attention which is somewhat true that I was just simply too busy with school and work but again this is temporary and I have not always been this way. What bothers me is that he never addressed this issue and now is not even giving me the chance to make any changes. He says he mostly enjoyed our time on vacations but life is not a vacation. He said after meeting his AP, he realized if he ever gets remarried he would want to have a housewife and not a goal-oriented person like me who would want to have a career.

He just makes me feel so guilty. If I knew at the time there were things that I could have changed that would otherwise lead to a divorce if left unaddressed, I would have certainly changed them. What bothers me is that every relationship has issues, and honestly, I have really enjoyed all these years with him and despite the ups and downs I was very optimistic about our relationship and always thought we were a strong compatible couple that could withstand many problems. How wrong was I! He tells me that if he were to get involved in another relationship he would be much happier. It bothers me that I am willing to work on whatever is necessary to improve our relationship but he does not even want to try.

I am just very disappointed with how he handled the situation and the fact that 13 years mean nothing to him, his lack of commitment and responsibility as a husband. I never thought I married someone like this. I am completely caught off guard. I don't know if this is just an emotional state he is going through or not. Because if it is an emotional state, divorce is the most stupid solution to his unhappiness. I told him his unhappiness is not rooted in our marriage or his wife, his unhappiness comes from within himself. He agrees with me and even so still does not want to do anything about it and wants out of the marriage.

We went to see an attorney today to file for divorce. He is dead set on this option and would have filed and divorced me anyway. The difference is I would have to be paying too much money I don't have. After he treated me today, I don't even think I want to live with him anymore. He does not have to put on disgusting treatment for his wife of 13 years in order to get what he wants. I just saw his true character. Even if he was behaving so disgusting to force and manipulate me to agree to divorce, such behavior is unacceptable to me and to me he is not a real man.

Thanks for the update, needinput. I think divorce is the definition of success in your case. Best of luck..

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I agree will Mel that you are well rid of him. When does he move out?

I am not sure. He will probably move officially out in July.
Is there anything I could have done differently that could have changed the outcome?

When I was doing the online course, I once spoke to Dr Harley on the phone about my daughter's friend's mother. I had just heard that the father had announced his affair, in Dubai where he worked, and would not be going home. The affair was with a woman whom he said worked there with him, but when she dug a bit deeper, the wife found that the woman actually lived near them in England.

The wife confronted this woman at her house, and more or less had an attack on the doorstep of the OW's house. She was in hospital for something like 10 weeks (which is an incredibly long time after a heart attack) and she had a teenaged son still at school, whom the daughter had to keep coming home to look after, but even his young son and his wife's illness did not make this man budge one inch from saying the marriage was over. His wife was a semi-invalid after the heart attack, and the house would have to be sold. The wife, who had not earned money for a while, and son, would have to move to a cheaper house and survive somehow. His daughter would not speak to him, and he appeared not to care one bit. He was really drunk on his affair.

Dr Harley told me to tell her to let him go. She was to let the divorce go through and not try in any way to get him back. He would not come back with any seriousness, whatever she did, unless the affair crashed and he had nowhere to go. There was nothing she could do to get him back, and she needed to save herself much heartache. he had detached himself from her when he moved to Dubai, and felt very little for her now, and so could not be moved by her plight.

I think your case is very similar. I don't think there is anything you could have done to stop the affair. You were very reluctant to expose, but you had not exposed, he would not be with you today. Exposure did not cause him to leave - he was saying that he was done well before you exposed. If he really was trying to get her pregnant, he really was done in his mind, long before you found out.

I think he was always going to do this. You need to let him crash and burn, and stop mourning him.

By the way, you need to put him out today. He does not get to benefit from you in any way, now that he has fired you as his wife.

Yeah, I told him that I wanted him to stay in a hotel tonight and he started to yell at me and threaten me. I told him he does not even pay rent so I have the right to kick him out for the night. Anyways, when he started threatening me I just became indifferent to his disgusting and manipulative attitude.