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I had the same issue with my husband hamstringing my efforts. For example the difficulty with follow through. Thing like filling out the EN questionnaire. It's very frustrating and upsetting especially because your own needs are not being met. And because not having your needs met increases your emotionality it's easy to fall into the trap of lecturing or nagging and pursuing. And because your needs are not being met and you have come here and are now more aware of your needs it's doubly hard not to double efforts to engage him. I suppose my point is, you may not be able to engage him for awhile and at this point less might be more and setting up your own healthy boundaries will likely say more.

My husband is really good at remaining an enigma to people that care and want to help. Being married to someone who can shut down like this can be very invalidating and as a result it can appear you are the weaker mate from a mental health perspective. So I hope what I'm at least attempting to convey says something validating about you and the challenge your situation reveals. There are all kinds of hero journeys.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Thank you for your last two posts graceful. The Appt is either the 9th or the 11th, I can't remember honestly but it's in my messages somewhere. Now if he will just make the other appointment that needs made.

My husband actually will read what I write, and respond to me. I still don't always think he understands though. Sometimes I have to say something "I don't think you are reading what I'm saying" to get him to acknowledge my perspective instead of responding with something like "I'm not trying to hurt you" or some dribble like that.

I very much appreciate your perspective, and encouragement. The last two days have been very difficult for me, which really doesn't seem to make sense as he finally made an effort to make an appt.
My husband is quite the enigma at times too, but, on the other hand, sometimes I feel like I can read him like a book. Sometimes it's like, who are you? and what have you done with my husband? and other times I honestly think 'oh, there he is, I knew he was in there somewhere".

You are right about about the emotional aspect, and I have tried what you mentioned regarding saying something like "I'm not ready to discuss this right now" but, usually if I do that, he just stops talking to me all together until I reengage, which is not what I want. I don't want to be "left alone" to cry. I want him to be able to comfort me without me specifically articulating why in the moment, and him trying to badger me in to talking. I don't know, maybe he isn't totally capable of that at this poing.


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I'm guessing you can't expect him to "be there for you" when he's disconnected from himself. I hear you in regards to the shutting down business. You feel anxious and off you cycle again to help him understand or show him your neediness. You can't break yourself in half to make him whole.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted by graceful2b
I'm guessing you can't expect him to "be there for you" when he's disconnected from himself. I hear you in regards to the shutting down business. You feel anxious and off you cycle again to help him understand or show him your neediness. You can't break yourself in half to make him whole.

Well put, that is all exactly true. Thank you.


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Hi Everyone, Prisca pointed out I hadn't updated lately. So I thought I should.
It was a long, rough summer for us, the vast majority of things that happened were out of our control, but, Hubby is back on AD's. He then had a bad spell where we had a serious conversation about how the back and forth he was doing with the AD's was really harming us. He agreed to go back to the Dr, which he did, and take them every day, which is he now doing.

He does have some physical issues that are inhibiting his desire for intimacy, we are currently working with a couple Dr's to get this address also.

I'm feeling somewhat better. He's made a commitment to do MB and we actually just started the online program a couple of weeks ago.
Are things perfect? no. But, I feel better in knowing it is a physical issue causing the lack of intimacy, and that he has realized it is truly an issue that needs addressed for our marriage to be successful. I think a big part of it is also the depression, when you have no desire to even get off the couch, which he often tells me he doesn't, I can understand not have a desire for sex.
We have started going out on dates again, although, not the number of hours we should, so we are working on getting up to 15+ hours.

All in all, I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. I think the online program is the ticket we need to get things going in the right direction. I think at this point we both know what needs done, I'm impressed by some of the steps he has taken on his own, but I think having someone there to prompt us along will help a ton.


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Thank you for sharing your story "doesn't"
I'm glad you're making progress. It gives me a little hope too. :-)
Slow is better than divorce.


currently enrolled in the online program with coach
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My world came crashing down on Easter. I discovered 3 hidden cellphones will bills dating back to 2014, cards and notes from another women, that he hardly worked in 2014, that he missed 9 days straight of work early in the year that I had no idea about. I found bottles and bottles of ED pills, so his saying he needed them might be true, but he already had them when we weren't being intimate.
He has been telling me for months he has been working nights at a sister hospital of the one he works at, but he hasn't been getting paid because their payroll is so messed up. While he was at work I started digging and found all this. I confronted him, he came home from "work" in his jeans instead of uniform...I am so devastated, and feel so stupid. I don't know if I can every trust him again.


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Originally Posted by doesnt_want_meFL
My world came crashing down on Easter. I discovered 3 hidden cellphones will bills dating back to 2014, cards and notes from another women, that he hardly worked in 2014, that he missed 9 days straight of work early in the year that I had no idea about. I found bottles and bottles of ED pills, so his saying he needed them might be true, but he already had them when we weren't being intimate.
He has been telling me for months he has been working nights at a sister hospital of the one he works at, but he hasn't been getting paid because their payroll is so messed up. While he was at work I started digging and found all this. I confronted him, he came home from "work" in his jeans instead of uniform...I am so devastated, and feel so stupid. I don't know if I can every trust him again.

OH. MY. GOD. I have no advice but just wanted to tell you I am so so sorry (and stunned) to hear this.

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Do you want to try to recover the marriage? You don't have children and he has been cheating and gaslighting for most of your marriage.

Read the Exposure 101 thread and come right back. Do you know who he is meeting?

Last edited by apples123; 03/30/16 02:23 PM.
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I read exposure and have already started exposing. He doesn't have facebook. I called his mother his brother knows because he stayed there. My while family knows. I don't know if I want to save it or not. Part of me really thinks there is no hope. Part of me really wants to save it. I love him. He has been my best friend for years and it hurts so much


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I think I know who he is meeting and her family already knows. They clued me in back in November, but, they sent me a picture of who they thought my h was and it wasn't him and then blocked me. I told my h about it and she said this lady is crazy and sleeps with everyone she works with. It's the same lady.


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Originally Posted by doesnt_want_meFL
I think I know who he is meeting and her family already knows. They clued me in back in November, but, they sent me a picture of who they thought my h was and it wasn't him and then blocked me. I told my h about it and she said this lady is crazy and sleeps with everyone she works with. It's the same lady.

That is where you should start. I would expose the affair to her family. The onlky thing they know is what was told to them by a liar so they need to know the truth. Did he meet her at work?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, just because some people "already know" does not mean you should not expose to them. Especially if you decide you want to save this marriage. There is a difference between them knowing he's having an affair because they've seen or heard of it from him, and knowing you are fighting to save your marriage and asking for their support to help end the affair.

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Originally Posted by AnyWife
Also, just because some people "already know" does not mean you should not expose to them. Especially if you decide you want to save this marriage. There is a difference between them knowing he's having an affair because they've seen or heard of it from him, and knowing you are fighting to save your marriage and asking for their support to help end the affair.

Typically when a BS tells us someone "already knows" [that they didn't tell themselves] it means they know the lies and spin told to them by liars. The point of exposure is get the truth out there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know what all of you are saying about exposure is 100% true, but do I even want to try to save this? I waver so much from minute to minute. I love him so much, but his lies are so deep.


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Originally Posted by doesnt_want_meFL
I know what all of you are saying about exposure is 100% true, but do I even want to try to save this? I waver so much from minute to minute. I love him so much, but his lies are so deep.

You might not choose to save it. And that is fine. But the affair should be exposed. Exposure helps you ALL regardless of what you decide about the future of your marriage. Everyone should know what he did.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If you decide to divorce, you benefit from exposure because it is likely to ruin his affair. That way you are not facing a fogged out man when you negotiate your divorce. And if you do decide to save your marriage the affair will be wrecked and his fantasy ruined, which will make your efforts worthwhile.

Exposing it wide and far helps everyone regardless of your decisions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok thank you I will work on it. This is so horrible.


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Originally Posted by doesnt_want_meFL
Ok thank you I will work on it. This is so horrible.

I know! I am sorry it has turned out like this. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ugh, this has to be the most painful thing I've ever felt. I feel so broken today.


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