Just explain that she can earn your trust if she ends her affair and does the things on the checklist.

This will be your life until you move away. How is that coming along?

You keep posting what she says and does as if that might change what you should say or do. It doesn't. We know she's angry. We know she's mean and cruel. Her reaction doesn't change the fact that you need to keep bringing up the checklist and keep making lovebank deposits.

I also find it odd that you seem concerned that bringing up the checklist is a lovebuster, but you also keep mentioning your desire to tell her to pack her bags and leave. You're concerned about a potential lovebuster, but are considering making a seriously huge one. Your emotions and instincts are all over the map. Follow the plan so that your instincts don't flub this up.

She sent me about 20 angry texts this morning saying she is done and going to the lawyer and is never going to live transparently. I just responded with this text and we havent talked or texted since:

I love you very much but I can't share you with someone else. I need you to not have any contact with him for life and to have transparency to help resist the temptation and to help rebuild trust. If you do those 2 things, I can show you that we can build a great marriage that makes both us and the kids happy.

Great text!

Be prepared for her to blow up. Know that it's okay if she does.

The moving is coming along fairly well. I spoke with my boss and can have a job in several different cities pretty much when I'm ready. I will have to start with an apartment it looks like. I want to try to start recovery and make some love bank deposits so she will consider moving with me.

Have you told her yet that you will need to move?

You can't start recovery until the affair ends, though. It is very unlikely she will move with you at first. RAther, you can move, and she can follow you when her affair dies. Moving is the only chance you have or this affair can go on forever.

It will take you a few months to make all this happen, so you need to get moving. GEt your house on the market, contact an attorney to see how you can take the kids, etc.

I only mentioned it once in regards to recovery several weeks ago. She said it was ridiculous.
I've mentioned it casually several times, just saying we need a bigger house.

OM is supposed to be moving soon as well, according to his seperated wife, I just don't know where or if it will be far enough. He is temporarily staying with his mom.

You need to actually DO this. Don't just "casually" mention it, DO IT.

Just so you know, this won't be a solution. Even if he does move, he will keep coming back to visit his mother.

Well the house is entirely in her name, but we closed on it about a week after our marriage. So in our state it is half mine, but I don't think I can sell it without her approval. I think the only way is if I get an apartment or small house.

Good point on him visiting his mother, I didn't think of that.

In regards to transparency, she did remove the password lock on her phone last night while in the middle of yelling and cursing. She said "there, now you can look at my phone whenever you want." I informed her that only provided transparency while the phone was at home. I still can't see what she does online while at work or away from home. She didn't like that very much.

"There, now you can look at my phone whenever you want."

That's a very unusual thing for someone to do if they're not considering a possible future together. You need to keep up your Plan A. That looks like progress to me.

Incidentally, if that's an iPhone, you can plug that up to a computer and get a backup then use software to access deleted text messages.

Yes. Try to come at it from a perspective of you wanting to be reassured through verification. Try not to make it sound like a demand or you telling her what to do. Thank her for allowing phone access and let her know that you feel some comfort from that. Then tell her that you will feel even better when all potential methods of contact are accounted for. Explain that you want to be able to breathe; to put the past behind you, and focus on a better future with her.

Here is the thing, though. The whole point of transparency is to assure you the affair is over. The affair is not over. Keep asking her to end her affair and demonstrate that by giving you access to all her phones, emails, etc.

And the reason she gave you the password to this phone is because she bought a burner phone with OM last night.

Yep.

Exactly what I was thinking Melody and Prisca. I hope it's progress, but probably the burner phone. The voice recorder should pick that up unless they only text.

I listened to the recorder from yesterday. She was telling her girlfriend from work about the whole episode the night before. She told the entire story the exact same she told me. I was suprised that she actually told her about the times she messed up and contacted OM. She could be just repeating the same lie to her friend to get validation for being mean. But I am having doubts about seeing her and OM at wal mart. I may have jumped the gun but I guess I will never be certain.

I heard her tell her friend she doesn't want to live with me driving around to spy on her and that she is only here now because of the kids and I am making her not like me by spying.

Last night we went to exercise together and I executed plan A flawlessly. I got her back to laughing and talking.

I was thinking of sending a text today to say "I'm sorry for accusing you of meeting OM at wal mart. I thought I saw you both but I believe you that you didn't meet him. I am proud that you have been doing good without contacting him, but I still need transparency. Your affair and actions afterwards have caused me the worst pain of my life, and I need your passwords to be able to feel safe and start trusting again and to make this marriage wonderful for both of us."

How does that sound?