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Hi brand new here. Been reading this website for 1 year, first post. I'm sorry it's so long. Cliffs notes in bold.

Ok, Married 10 years, been together 15 years. No kids. Under pressure he was always arrogant and aggressive, but I loved that because I was submissive and cowardly. I thought he would protect me from the world. Eventually there was physical abuse (PA) in addition to him calling me names when I made mistakes or asserted myself. The marriage took place after the PA, and the PA didn't stop after the marriage (I thought it would). In all, I was happy with him (or told myself I was) and was so grateful for everything he did and let me do. We had like a father-daughter relationship. He wants to have kids but I kept putting it off because of his temper, and testosterone decreases every year, I thought eventually he would stop having tirades at every stressful event big and small. I thought the longer I put off having kids with him the better a father he will be, because he has wonderful qualities too.

1 year ago I met a woman who I was attracted to "in that way" and he let me be with her as long as I kept the house clean and continued being his wife. But when she treated me with kindness, instead of controlling and selfish demands and angry outbursts, I immediately fell in love with her. I don't know if I'm gay or not.

But when I fell in love with her, it made me realize the whole time just how angrily and meanly he has treated me and I've been putting up with it. Also, when I kissed her the first time I felt "alive" for the first time or like I've been asleep since my early 20's... I'm not sure if it was because I'm gay because I've read that every heterosexual affair you "feel alive" too. But I felt a crack in my very foundation and I haven't been the same since.

At first he made fun of me, saying she "kisses my ____" and making fun of me for having feelings towards her because she treats me nicely.

But then as time went on, he realized how serious it was and about 6 months later started being "nice" to me too. But to me, it was all an act, because I know how he'd treated me our entire relationship. I was starting to see a gay therapist, and an abuse counselor, and for the first time ever I acknowledged to people outside my marriage that he had hit me, once or twice kicked me, and one time choked me during our marriage. It made me sad and I read ***EDIT*** It said that I should go because he abused me more than twice. (He never apologized or acknowledged it afterward)

So I confronted him and he cried and said he was sorry for the first time ever, and he would not do it again and would go to therapy. But later backed out and never went to therapy.

Then I aggravated him at the wrong time, and he hit me again, kicked me, said he should kill me, he wasn't sorry, and next time it will be much worse. I took pictures of myself because this time he left marks on my face.

So I made an escape plan to leave. Then he said he would go to counseling, (like before) but I already had my plan. I left and haven't spoken to him since.

I still don't know what happened. Was it a bad marriage from the start? He only hit or did PA once every 1-2 years. Or was it my fault of the affair? Or should I have given him more chances and broken up with her? I don't know if I'm gay or not but I feel things for her emotionally and sexually I never felt with him.. but they say people in affairs rewrite history and make out their marriage to be worse than it was to justify themselves. Did I do the right thing? Is there a right thing or are we all on our own with our decisions and choices? Any other thoughts? I see on this site it says to "remove yourself from a physical abuse situation" but it doesn't say you should move on or divorce specifically. Do I have to be tied to him forever because I married him? I don't regret the marriage just the abuse. But I don't want to return because I will just never feel safe after the last incident.

I am still going to the abuse counselor. I feel like I met her and lost control of my life completely... all I wanted was to be with her and I lost interest in him and my future with him overnight. I am confused as to what happened to me, why I became a different person, or is it always who I was and I was suppressing myself? I don't feel regret, just guilt and remorse for leaving the way I did and not giving him another chance. But I would have been staying because he wanted me to, and not because I wanted to. Any thoughts or opinions.. thank you!

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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
Did I do the right thing? Is there a right thing or are we all on our own with our decisions and choices?


Hi Girlnumber, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, you did the right thing in leaving your abusive husband. Committing adultery is wrong, however, and does nothing to help your situation. Whether you give him another chance is your decision.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352


I still don't know what happened. [b]Was it a bad marriage from the start?


Yes, if there was physical abuse going on before you were even married, this would constitute as a 'bad marriage' from the start.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

He only hit or did PA once every 1-2 years. Or was it my fault of the affair?


If you are asking if the abuse was your fault due to the affair, NO, it was not your fault. There is no justification for abuse. However, it was also not his fault that you had an affair, there is no justification for an affair either.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

Or should I have given him more chances and broken up with her?


You should have given him LESS chances. There should be zero tolerance for abuse like this. Unless and until he can go through anger management and prove to you that he is safe, you should not be with him. I believe Dr Harley recommends a MINIMUM of 1 year of anger management. But yes, you should also break up with your affair partner.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

I don't know if I'm gay or not but I feel things for her emotionally and sexually I never felt with him.. but they say people in affairs rewrite history and make out their marriage to be worse than it was to justify themselves. Did I do the right thing?


You are right. People in affairs DO rewrite history. Are you doing that here? Was there actually never any physical abuse at all, and you are just trying to justify an affair? Or was there actually physical abuse? If there was actual physical abuse, then you did the right thing to LEAVE. But no, you did NOT do the right thing to start an affair.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

Is there a right thing or are we all on our own with our decisions and choices?


We are all on our own with decisions and choices. But yes, some of those choices are WRONG. Abuse is wrong. Affairs are wrong. Sure you are on your own and can make the choice to do the WRONG thing, but that doesn't make it not wrong.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

Any other thoughts? I see on this site it says to "remove yourself from a physical abuse situation" but it doesn't say you should move on or divorce specifically. Do I have to be tied to him forever because I married him?


No. Dr Harley does not recommend marriage at all cost.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

I am confused as to what happened to me, why I became a different person, or is it always who I was and I was suppressing myself?


You fell into an affair fog. When you are having an affair, you are in a 'fog' and you are not yourself. People in affairs become very selfish, and even cruel. They do things they would normally never do to continue the high of the affair. No, you are not a different person because you are 'suppressing yourself.' Any more than you are suppressing yourself to not be a drug addict. I hear drug addicts refer to feeling 'free' and all kinds of other wacky things, which is of course the high of the drug talking. You have the high of an affair talking.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352

I don't feel regret, just guilt and remorse for leaving the way I did and not giving him another chance.


It sounds like you gave him many chances, why would you feel compelled to give another one?

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You have two separate issues here.

Issue one: a bad marriage riddled with abuse.

Issue two: an affair.

These are not intermingled. You have every right to leave a bad marriage riddled with abuse. It sounds like you gave your spouse the opportunity to change his behavior and he chose to continue abusing you. The MB advice would be for you to LEAVE that marriage.

However, your own choice to complicate things even more by having an affair is a separate issue. It was not the right thing to do, and will not lead you to a path of self healing.

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Well I appreciate these responses. I guess I made a mistake typing too much so no more responses.

Melodylane - I don't really want to give him another chance because of the severity of this last incident and the words and threats he said during and after it. But I'm afraid if I contact him for any reason he will convince me to return.

unwritten - thank you for your detailed analysis. It really reassured me when you said "why would you feel compelled to give another chance to husband?


1. Was it a bad marriage? Because I remember feeling happy with him until I met her, then all his flaws seemed insurmountable. He only was actually physically abusive guesstimate 8-12 times in the 15 years. Only when I was being belligerent to him and possibly emotionally abusive. Yes he would call me names but he wasn't possessive, didn't cheat on me, has a good family (that I hate disappointing) and always supported me through many, many things and helped my family many times. It seems silly to me to throw that all away just because of the potential for more physical abuse and all but guaranteed mental abuse in the future. But I can't see raising kids with that kind of potentially volitle person... so maybe I am making the right decision.

2. Why is a pattern of intermittent physical abuse worse than other flaws? Especially since he is so nice and kind to my parents, and to me, taking me to dinners and wonderful vacations. It was not daily beatings, Why should I pack up and go? I have already packed up and gone, and friends tell me this attitude will be cleared up with therapy, but from your marriage builders perspective, why is it a deal breaker?

3. Why should i give up my affair partner now, when they are helping me not go back to him? If I was alone I would be weak and go back and nothing would change in my life forever, he would make me have kids and while it might change him for the better it might make everything more cemented and worse and it would be harder for me to leave (if not impossible) ever. This affair partner helped me realize something was not right in my marriage when I would cower at his texts. They urged me to seek an abuse counselor to get help, at which point I realized for the first time how I had been denying the abuse. In short, I think the affair partner is healthy and helpful for me.

Those who responded assessed that my leaving the marriage was not a mistake. So what now, is the point of me giving up my affair partner? What is the harm that can happen by staying with this person? I think it's more harmful to separate, then get lonely, and potentially go back to the husband who vowed "it will be worse next time" (and I believe him).

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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352


Those who responded assessed that my leaving the marriage was not a mistake. So what now, is the point of me giving up my affair partner? What is the harm that can happen by staying with this person? I think it's more harmful to separate, then get lonely, and potentially go back to the husband who vowed "it will be worse next time" (and I believe him).


Because your affair partner is a scumbag who will hurt you in the end. Just ask yourself what kind of person has an affair with a married person? It is not a good person who will respect her relationship with you. 95% of affairs don't last more than 2 years because the traits that made them possible, thoughtlessness, selfishness and deceit eventually destroy the affair. All the affair does is cloud your judgement at a critical time. Not only are affairs statistically doomed but homosexual relationships are exceptionally shaky.

Instead of jumping from the frying pan into the fire, why don't you just take a break from all relationships and get your head on straight?

Quote:
2. Why is a pattern of intermittent physical abuse worse than other flaws? Especially since he is so nice and kind to my parents, and to me, taking me to dinners and wonderful vacations. It was not daily beatings, Why should I pack up and go? I have already packed up and gone, and friends tell me this attitude will be cleared up with therapy, but from your marriage builders perspective, why is it a deal breaker?


Because a physically violent spouse can kill you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
Well I appreciate these responses. I guess I made a mistake typing too much so no more responses.

Melodylane - I don't really want to give him another chance because of the severity of this last incident and the words and threats he said during and after it. But I'm afraid if I contact him for any reason he will convince me to return.

unwritten - thank you for your detailed analysis. It really reassured me when you said "why would you feel compelled to give another chance to husband?


1. Was it a bad marriage? Because I remember feeling happy with him until I met her, then all his flaws seemed insurmountable. He only was actually physically abusive guesstimate 8-12 times in the 15 years. Only when I was being belligerent to him and possibly emotionally abusive. Yes he would call me names but he wasn't possessive, didn't cheat on me, has a good family (that I hate disappointing) and always supported me through many, many things and helped my family many times. It seems silly to me to throw that all away just because of the potential for more physical abuse and all but guaranteed mental abuse in the future. But I can't see raising kids with that kind of potentially volitle person... so maybe I am making the right decision.

2. Why is a pattern of intermittent physical abuse worse than other flaws? Especially since he is so nice and kind to my parents, and to me, taking me to dinners and wonderful vacations. It was not daily beatings, Why should I pack up and go? I have already packed up and gone, and friends tell me this attitude will be cleared up with therapy, but from your marriage builders perspective, why is it a deal breaker?

3. Why should i give up my affair partner now, when they are helping me not go back to him? If I was alone I would be weak and go back and nothing would change in my life forever, he would make me have kids and while it might change him for the better it might make everything more cemented and worse and it would be harder for me to leave (if not impossible) ever. This affair partner helped me realize something was not right in my marriage when I would cower at his texts. They urged me to seek an abuse counselor to get help, at which point I realized for the first time how I had been denying the abuse. In short, I think the affair partner is healthy and helpful for me.

Those who responded assessed that my leaving the marriage was not a mistake. So what now, is the point of me giving up my affair partner? What is the harm that can happen by staying with this person? I think it's more harmful to separate, then get lonely, and potentially go back to the husband who vowed "it will be worse next time" (and I believe him).

No; the reason you got those responses and no more was because nothing more needed to be said. You were given the answer provided by Dr Harley's Marriage Builders programme. This isn't a forum for all and sundry to pile in with their personal opinions. Have you read Dr Harley's articles available free on this site?

Marriage Builders provides the tools to build healthy marriages, and as such it is resolutely anti- affair. There is nothing you can say that will justify your having had an affair, no matter how appalling your marriage was. As the poster unwritten said, the bad marriage and the affair are two different things, and the first does not justify the second.

Your husband was physically abusive to you, and were entirely correct to leave your husband and get to a place of safety. Whether you want to give the marriage another try is entirely your decision; there isn't a right and wrong in that. However, if you do want to give your husband another chance, he needs to go to an effective anger management programme and show himself to be free of violent reactions for at least a year.

Nobody, including Dr Harley, is going to tell you you should have stayed in a violent marriage - not for one day. There is nothing more to discuss on that subject.

The affair was wrong, and likely to end in another failed relationship. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you should never start it surrounded by the lies, selfishness and deceit that are necessary to conduct an affair.

There is no justification for an affair. None. Never. You won't get a different answer from anybody here - this is the Marriage Builders site.

You point out that you had very few responses, but I, for one, thought it very odd that you posted once and then disappeared. You didn't seem to be interested in your own thread, so why would anybody else be?


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MelodyLane - thanks again. I appreciate your response and advice.

Sugarcane - I have read Dr. Harley's articles over and over, and while he does say abuse is wrong, and you should be safe, he doesn't say 100% I should divorce. I'm not even sure if divorce is ok per this site, or if it is a failure to be here posting on the Divorce thread. Would Dr. Harley tell me to divorce or stay separated forever?

I am not trying to justify an affair, never was. I was confused as to if I got out of my marriage by mistake since the affair was happening at the same time. I don't even know if it was an affair since everyone knew about each other and it was not conducted in secret.

(I posted once and then disappeared? It was only two days. I see other threads that have thousands of replies, but its not the quantity it's the quality of the replies.)

---

I guess my point is, I didn't realize how bad I was being treated. I was in an abusive marriage and now I'm not, so that is a positive. And it only happened when I met the affair partner. I might not have left if it weren't for the affair partner's saying "something's not right here" and support. So I associate the affair with a positive direction in my life. She might even have saved my life. I guess I am not embraced here on this site unless I lose the affair partner. I guess I am weak to not go it alone, but I feel I need her support in order to not go back to the one who hurt me. That is my point, and I'm not saying it's justified or it isn't, it's how I feel.

Thanks for your replies.

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Quote:
I guess I am weak to not go it alone

Take a break from relationships for awhile and work on that.


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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
Sugarcane - I have read Dr. Harley's articles over and over, and while he does say abuse is wrong, and you should be safe, he doesn't say 100% I should divorce. I'm not even sure if divorce is ok per this site, or if it is a failure to be here posting on the Divorce thread. Would Dr. Harley tell me to divorce or stay separated forever?

If reconciliation does not seem like a realistic prospect, Dr Harley would recommend divorce. He is not against the concept of divorce per se, if that's what you are asking. He would never tell anybody to stay separated for ever.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
(I posted once and then disappeared? It was only two days. I see other threads that have thousands of replies, but its not the quantity it's the quality of the replies.)

But you complained about the quantity, not the quality:

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
I guess I made a mistake typing too much so no more responses.

Are you now saying that the quality of the replies was not good? How so? If not, I don't understand what you are saying.

And I'm saying that is is very odd to post once and disappear for two days. The threads that are active and have "thousands of replies" do not show this pattern, or anything like it. If people are worried about their marriages and post here for advice, they at least show up again the same day to acknowledge the posts that were made. I'm telling you that the reason your lack of responses was the lack of your own response. You can't complain that people did not help you when you showed no interest in your own thread for two days. That is a long time. There were many other threads with posters constantly posting for advice. People give their time and help where it is sought, not where someone does not acknowledge or respond to the help that was given.

Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
I guess my point is, I didn't realize how bad I was being treated. I was in an abusive marriage and now I'm not, so that is a positive. And it only happened when I met the affair partner. I might not have left if it weren't for the affair partner's saying "something's not right here" and support. So I associate the affair with a positive direction in my life. She might even have saved my life. I guess I am not embraced here on this site unless I lose the affair partner.
Your affair is not, and will never be, embraced on this site. It was always wrong, it is wrong today, and it will continue to be wrong in the future. There is no point trying to argue on this site - Marriage Builders - about that. If you've read here for a year as you claim, I'm surprised that you don't realise that.

[quote=Girlnumber69352] I guess I am weak to not go it alone, but I feel I need her support in order to not go back to the one who hurt me. That is my point, and I'm not saying it's justified or it isn't, it's how I feel.

I understand that this is how you feel, but I don't understand what advice you're seeking, if any. You seem happy with your life now, and you are seeing a counsellor. What are you looking for here?


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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
MelodyLane - thanks again. I appreciate your response and advice.

Sugarcane - I have read Dr. Harley's articles over and over, and while he does say abuse is wrong, and you should be safe, he doesn't say 100% I should divorce. I'm not even sure if divorce is ok per this site, or if it is a failure to be here posting on the Divorce thread. Would Dr. Harley tell me to divorce or stay separated forever?

I am not trying to justify an affair, never was. I was confused as to if I got out of my marriage by mistake since the affair was happening at the same time. I don't even know if it was an affair since everyone knew about each other and it was not conducted in secret.

(I posted once and then disappeared? It was only two days. I see other threads that have thousands of replies, but its not the quantity it's the quality of the replies.)

---

I guess my point is, I didn't realize how bad I was being treated. I was in an abusive marriage and now I'm not, so that is a positive. And it only happened when I met the affair partner. I might not have left if it weren't for the affair partner's saying "something's not right here" and support. So I associate the affair with a positive direction in my life. She might even have saved my life. I guess I am not embraced here on this site unless I lose the affair partner. I guess I am weak to not go it alone, but I feel I need her support in order to not go back to the one who hurt me. That is my point, and I'm not saying it's justified or it isn't, it's how I feel.

Thanks for your replies.



Things that you know about yourself.
1. You can be in a dangerous abusive relationship and not know it.
2. You have now entered into another abusive relationship (I define affairs abusive by the shear fact of how they must be conducted)
3. Even knowing that you were in a horrible life threatening relationship is not enough to keep you from going back to that same relationship without using someone else. (and that's one of my points of abuse, your using each other)

Would say the above is true? If so, please don't be in any relationships!!!!

I know that you feel like your affair partner saved your life (and honestly if you were really in a relationship as you describe, she probably did) But it is just a lower form of abuse.

MB would say to divorce (living forever separated is not a sustainable way of life and DR H is all about that.)

You need to figure out relationships though. I would be very terrified of ending up in the same situation you were just in as you seem capable of being in a bad relationship without realizing it!
Work on yourself- learn about relationships- Get strong enough where you don't "need" another person the way you do now.

*And if you let anyone male or female meet your most important emotional needs, you can fall in love with them. You need to really understand Dr. Harley's love bank and how it works so you aren't so confused as to how all of this happened. It is very scientific and not special or unique. WE all wish this was true, but love happens to us all if we follow the rules of our love bank.*


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I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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**EDIT**

moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting.

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Dr. Harley is very clear. You need to separate from a spouse who is physically violent, for at least a year while they prove they can control themselves.

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People want to think their situation is unique but it isn't. Violent people must control themselves. A spouse should get away while they do so.

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I appreciate all the replies. I am not upset about the quality of the replies. I am not checking in exactly every day only because of my two jobs and it is hard to find time to sit down at the computer.

______

Anyway, I guess Sugarcane said it best, what am I looking for here? I guess it was validation that leaving my husband of 10 years was justified because of the fact that there was an incident of violence, and because of the fact that there were incidents of violence off and on for about 15 years with him. I still will feel guilty but the more I hear I did the right thing from other people, and that it is not normal for someone to hit someone else, than it helps me I guess.

I also wanted to hear your thoughts on the affair, how it affected everything, how it affects me now and in the future.

I guess I wanted to hear thoughts and opinions on my whole confusing situation. Thanks for hearing me out.

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Originally Posted By: Elaina7

Things that you know about yourself.
1. You can be in a dangerous abusive relationship and not know it.
2. You have now entered into another abusive relationship (I define affairs abusive by the shear fact of how they must be conducted)
3. Even knowing that you were in a horrible life threatening relationship is not enough to keep you from going back to that same relationship without using someone else. (and that's one of my points of abuse, your using each other)


1. I realize that, now. But the insidious nature of how abuse enters into relationship makes it difficult to grasp. If he hit me our first date there wouldn't have been a 2nd. It was years before he hit me. Not justifying my ignorance but he had many good qualities and pointed them out all the time.

2. My 'affair' was actually in an open marriage, not in secret, everyone knew everything. He encouraged me to date her. She and I just wanted a friends with benefits situation until suddenly we were in over our heads with feelings for each other. Then he 'changed' and promised not to hit me. Then he hit me again. Then I left. I might still be in my open marriage if it weren't for the recent incident of violence from husband to me.

3. You can say "using" but can't it also be "leaning on someone" for support? Does it have to be framed so negatively?

-----

The only thing I can say in defense of myself and my actions, is that him abusing me was not a one time thing. I think if he had never raised a hand to me, or called me names, or threatened to throw me out a window - basically if he was a great guy all around the ENTIRE TIME I have known him, and then I met her. Then suddenly one incident of abuse and I left.. I would think that would be unfair. Because it would have been a one-time and not normal thing.

But he did hit me, call me names, and engage in a pattern of abusive behavior (that I turned a blind eye to). And after we were married he hit me, and I put up with it. But after I met her and he hit me, I said 'that's enough.'


-------

Other thoughts on my marriage going forward:

1. I could give him 1 year, tell him to go to abuse counselor, and then take him back, and he could be a perfect and wonderful husband the rest of his life. But I believe this has a slim chance of happening, like 5%.

(The patterns we have are deeply ingrained. Even his dad would tell him to talk to me nicer. If he changes, I think it would be to get me back, and then things would just go in a slow slide back to the way they were. Even if he never hit me again, he would never treat me like an equal life/marriage partner, because we never were that to begin with. He always had final say. )

2. The 95% chance I go back and we slip into old, familiar, comfortable yet unhealthy patterns. My marriage is saved but I feel like I failed, and ruined my chance at a new life. He might beat me again, and then I run away again, and just become a worse cliche than I already am. They say it takes abused women an average of 7 times to leave. I'd rather just do it one time.

3. Whether it works out with her, or doesn't work out, either way I'm better off either alone or with someone who doesn't use emotional and physical abuse. She is a sweetheart and never blames or has used me. I think that's why I fell so hard, because all he did was make love bank withdrawals, and she makes love bank deposits.

I tried to get her mad at me a few times, to see what she would do, but although I could get her frustrated and annoyed, it never came close to his 'my way or the highway' attitude. There is compromise here, not dictatorship.

-----

Yet none of this helps my guilt in leaving him. He calls and emails all the time saying he is so shocked I would leave him, and what did he ever do to deserve this? I just don't even know if I should respond. I'm truly afraid he will find me and kill me for "humiliating" him like this. (even though I would never go public with any details on how it ended to friends). He did choke me one time, years ago, and my therapist said that men who are capable of that are much more likely to kill their women when they try to leave.

Sorry for my rambling. Again, just trying to make sense of it all. I guess marriage doesn't mean I should put up with his kind of treatment. But when I married I wanted it to be forever. I just have to mourn my loss of what I imagined forever to be.

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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352


2. My 'affair' was actually in an open marriage, not in secret, everyone knew everything. He encouraged me to date her. She and I just wanted a friends with benefits situation until suddenly we were in over our heads with feelings for each other. Then he 'changed' and promised not to hit me. Then he hit me again. Then I left. I might still be in my open marriage if it weren't for the recent incident of violence from husband to me.


Hitting you is WRONG, but having an affair is wrong too. Being honest about being BAD does not make it good. You were married!

Quote:
3. You can say "using" but can't it also be "leaning on someone" for support? Does it have to be framed so negatively?


Affairs ARE negative. Only a dirtbag would have an affair with a married woman. This is not someone who cares about you.

You did the right thing in leaving your husband, but you are not doing the right thing in keeping this woman around. She is bad news.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Girlnumber69352
[Yet none of this helps my guilt in leaving him. He calls and emails all the time saying he is so shocked I would leave him,


Either change your contact information or block him. Abusers are very manipulative so you would be better off cutting him off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Girl52,
I totally understand. I was in a horrible abusive relationship myself. I think if you called around to the abuse centers, they have wonderful classes to help women see the patterns (all abusers are manipulative, are not "always" bad, are normally charming until they are angry etc)

I agree that most men who have crossed the line into actual hitting/harming a women who change is such a small percentage... I wouldn't risk it. You are right, it is his pattern of behavior. You can do what you like, but I would talk to the abuse centers before deciding something so dangerous.

Do you understand the love bank really?

What kind of a women is willing to enter into a relationship with a married women?

No matter how "sweet" she is to you now, is this really what you want? She doesn't respect boundaries of marriage... it is just fantasy to think it would be different for you. Affair after affair would be your future. Write DR. Harley and ask him yourself.... He is an expert in this area!

I am not trying to be harsh. Really, I know how hard all of this can be. It is why I still think you need to go get help from a trained counselor who deals with abused women all day (like from the abuse centers... I think it would blow your mind how your story is just like all the rest... mine included)

The one your seeing doesn't seem able to actually help you the way you really need. All of the ones I have known (and I still work with the abuse shelter here) would counsel you to not be in a relationship for 1-2 years (or more if you needed) in order to heal, learn about relationships etc. The women who don't listen sadly, end up in the same type of situation 99% of the time. I am kindly trying to warn you.

No matter how amazing you think this lady is--Let her go for now and heal and learn. You can figure out what you really want and need.

They would also say, file for divorce for safety alone! Change your contact information, close all gaps as to how he could talk to you, get an Intermediary, and never see or talk to him again. Its to dangerous to do half measures!!!!
Your counselor is right- you are at the most dangerous stage of all-when you try to leave.

I would read the book,
1.Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders....
2.Go read up on plan B and do it immediately!
3. Get yourself in a support group of other abused women...while getting counseling. That is what you really need instead of a relationship.
4. Focusing on actions and a plan really does help!

Ill be thinking of you!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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1. Yes it was a bad marriage from the beginning because he abused you BEFORE you walked down the aisle with him, yet you married him anyway.

2. "We had like a father-daughter relationship" -- is he much older than you?

3. You were BOTH okay with an open marriage.

4. Your affair does nothing good for your personal recovery. You are STILL married. It's called adultery. Your affair partner is no better than your abusive husband. She's willing to have a relationship with a married person.

5. Get some help re all of the above.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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