Yes, you can go to open meetings with her - usually a person gives a talk. But you can't go to closed meetings and she will need to attend those too.

Alrighty. Thank you.

Good luck!!

Next steps?

Her response to my question of wanting to know what her plan is and if she'd seek professional help.


I have not responded because I want to be sure I pick the right path and make an appropriate response (if I respond at all).

I sent this on to Dr Harley and ask for his advice as well.

I'd be happy to hear from others on this.

I'm thinking I should be happy to hear this. But her message reads loud and clear she isn't happy that I'm "ahem" forcing her into this.

That is going to make it tough to build that romantic relationship I long for.

Yay!! This was a beautiful response. You finally completed your conversation with her to quit drinking; she agreed to quit.

I don't understand why you think you shouldn't respond?? What else did you want?

Support her. Thank her nicely, be sweet to her and take her on a date. Show her your appreciation that she would do something so nice for you since it was lovebusting you.

If she stops quitting further action would be warranted, but give her a chance.

You can't control her feelings. Nor, really, can she.

You can only ask her to refrain from doing things that make you unhappy.

She can't control how she feels about her drinking, but she can control her drinking. That is what she has agreed to do.

It's up to you to decide whether to insist that she also seek out counselling. Remember, though, that is requiring her to DO something. If the problem is the drinking, and she has agreed to stop, maybe go with that for a while. It may be that, once she stops drinking, her insight into it will change and she will seek out further support..

Is she going to stop right now?

That's what I'd like to know.
Is all the alcohol being poured down the sink as we speak?

Is she open to being accountable? Can you check up on her?

Have you told your kids yet? They need to know, so they can tell you if she still drinks.

That is great! Tell her you love her and appreciate her note.

As Prisca says, your house needs to be cleared of all alcohol, right away. Also, you and the kids must not bring any alcohol into the house after that. Your wife needs to live in an alcohol-free zone.

You then need to be with her whenever she is not working, so that you know she is not drinking.

For an alcoholic to give up drinking takes more than giving her word. It will be a struggle for her to stop, and you need to help her, but also verify that she is not drinking, anywhere.

Could you please post both of your letters to Dr. Harley here to us and Dr. Harley's response?

I believe so. She hasn't said definitively but we weren't together for very long last night (other than to sleep) so we didn't discuss this in-depth.

She had her dance class last night so I took our daughter to watch a high school sporting event. When I got home she was already there and was doing some knitting.

I have not poured anything out, hadn't thought of that. There is a LOT of wine and beer in our bar. Yes we have a bar. Sigh. She rarely drinks wine even though many of the bottles are hers. I suspect there is close to a case of light beer (big 16 oz cans) in the cooler. Hers.

She'll think I went off the deep end if I start pouring out all the booze. She doesn't think she has a problem and is only doing this because I asked her to. Sacrificing is what she'd call it.

I haven't talked to the kids yet. My son should be with us this weekend. So I plan to sit them down tomorrow. Unfortunately my wife won't be with us Saturday. She's made plans to be with her sister doing some Xmas shopping, 1.5 hours away. Her sister doesn't drink and while I'm sure I'll regret it she will be getting an email today letting her know what's been going on. I doubt she's aware there is this drinking problem.

I will look to clean out the booze tomorrow when she's gone. Tonight her and I will be together every minute of the evening.

Yup did that.

I will post his response when I receive it, sure.

My reply to him was this:

Dr Harley, can I ask for next steps based on my wife's recent reply?

< MrsAlias's response here>

I'm fearful this is her being angry and upset with me thinking this is my problem not her's and that she will go on resenting me. I don't want that, obviously, so what would you recommend I do?

You need to do this properly, MrA. You know that she will very likely take the first opportunity to sneak a drink when she is away from you. If you've got a bar full of booze, and you get back and she's already home knitting, you can bet that she'll have a swig or two before you get home.

You need to find a way not to leave her alone, or to have her always in the presence of someone who knows that she has a problem and is getting family help to stop.

it would be okay for her to go shopping with her sister, if her sister knows about the plan and will not let her drink, but she can't go out with her girlfriends, for example.

If she means what she says, she will happily comply with being accountable at all times. I suspect she won't be happy and she won't comply.

If you and the kids and not drinking in the house (and it sounds as if the two still at home are too young to drink), it should be easier to smell alcohol on her if she does drink.

My point is that this will take vigilance, and compliance with that from her. Also, you need to get her to an AA meeting, with you there if it is mixed-sex.

Dr Harley addresses this point in the "Intervention" Q&A.

So? It shouldn't be a problem if she agreed to quit.
And, if the alcohol is around the house, it will be no time before she starts drinking again. If she's really going to quit, she needs to be in an alcohol-free home.

Very good!

Perfect time to get rid of the alcohol.

Also very good! Your wife will need this support system to stay sober.

I will look to clean out the booze tomorrow when she's gone. Tonight her and I will be together every minute of the evening.