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Thanks MelodyLane,

What a disaster. Perhaps his resigning and booking a getaway are his way of trying to show me he is serious. Perhaps not. We work in a specialty field in medicine and it's nearly impossible to just flat out quit because unfortunately other people's lives are in our hands (people on life support). I do understand that never going back period is preferable. He has agreed to work remotely as much as possible. He may be fired as well because the investigation from the work exposure is still ongoing. If not he will need to train his replacement as he is the only person in our state that does that particular job and there are only three people doing a similar job for the company we work for in the entire country. My marriage is more important than all of that though.

He has been agreeable to the list of EP's too. You are right that I will be able to tell if he's serious by his actions. It feels kind of strange to go into plan B now after he has finally started to wake up and act like he is trying and seems to be talking me seriously.


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Originally Posted By: Montgomery
Perhaps his resigning and booking a getaway are his way of trying to show me he is serious. Perhaps not.

Until NC is 100% implemented, you should NOT trust one single thing out of this man's mouth.

Quote:
We work in a specialty field in medicine and it's nearly impossible to just flat out quit because unfortunately other people's lives are in our hands (people on life support). I do understand that never going back period is preferable. He has agreed to work remotely as much as possible.

Montgomery, he needs to leave. You are TOO quick to give him a pass. It's what I've noticed as a theme OVER and OVER again on this thread. He knows that he can gaslight you. The time for that is over.

This is his mess to clean up - not yours. He is the one that decided to have a workplace affair, where his job is critical to saving the lives of others. I understand positions where speciality medical training is necessary (this was my WH as well) and the longest I could see that he would need to wrap up loose ends is a couple of days. Not 30 days. Think about it, if he was to get into an accident or be involved in some other emergency in which he could NOT work for a period of time, what would the business do? There are always options.

You're being gaslighted here again. Big time. Your WH is in operation continue affair and figure out the next steps in the next 30 days while you give him a pass.

Each day he goes to work, your marriage is in serious jeopardy. I think if you IGNORED your WH's words and realized this, you would be pressing this issue harder.

Quote:
It feels kind of strange to go into plan B now after he has finally started to wake up and act like he is trying and seems to be talking me seriously.

IMHO, you should have already packed his bags a couple of times here, but you gave him a pass (I will be back with more on this) and he knows that he has wiggle room.

Sorry to be so brutally honest, but you need to wake up here.


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Originally Posted By: Montgomery
He was going to go meet her last night after the call from her husband 'to talk' and I said that actions speak louder than words and by going there he was making a mistake and that I was going out to dinner. He asked me to wait on him

redflag

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I gave him every opportunity to tell me anything else I needed to know but he said he had told me the complete truth about everything (which was yet another lie because I had listened to the VAR).

redflag


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They spent an hour on the phone today after that happened.

redflag

These red flags are for your actions, Montgomery. You're still in Plan A mode. You should have packed his bags and put them at the door.


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Montgromey, I am No expert here and I admire and respect these folks who also helped me get through my WS affair.
I just know that sometimes options need to be put in place. SusieQ told me I could never let my husband go anywhere alone ever. We are 1 yr from our first Dday. If I had found MB sooner and had that info from SusieQ, I would have been with him everywhere he went, would have monitored every text every key stroke on his computers and he would not have been able to continue his affair another 5 months virtually in front of my nose. spyware on everything! And as for work, I get he can't just walk away, he can give you all his contacts and everyone would have to go through you first as a screener to his conversations and office. He cant be trusted, It would be terribly intense but really the only way his continuing in his job. You would need to accompany him to his office and any meetings. He will need to be with you always unti he can leave that job.He simply will not stop the affair if he is having contact at work. Way wards are wayward period.

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Originally Posted By: Montgomery
Thanks MelodyLane,

What a disaster. Perhaps his resigning and booking a getaway are his way of trying to show me he is serious. Perhaps not. We work in a specialty field in medicine and it's nearly impossible to just flat out quit because unfortunately other people's lives are in our hands (people on life support). I do understand that never going back period is preferable. He has agreed to work remotely as much as possible. He may be fired as well because the investigation from the work exposure is still ongoing. If not he will need to train his replacement as he is the only person in our state that does that particular job and there are only three people doing a similar job for the company we work for in the entire country. My marriage is more important than all of that though.



If he suddenly became incapacitated or dropped dead, his employer would find a way to deal. No one is indispensable.

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Perhaps this is something she should ask Dr. Harley. He can loose his license if he abandons his patients. Montgomery, can you email Dr. Harley today?

Can he talk to a colleague and switch shifts? You would be amazed at the people who will come through for you if you let them know you are going to lose your marriage without their help. Kind of the same way people step up if a family member dies.

Is the OW a nurse?

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You both should also consider if he should take a future practice in a less specialized field or a different practice setting. Have you been spending nights apart? That must stop or another affair is very likely.

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Originally Posted By: Montgomery
We work in a specialty field in medicine and it's nearly impossible to just flat out quit because unfortunately other people's lives are in our hands (people on life support). I do understand that never going back period is preferable. He has agreed to work remotely as much as possible. He may be fired as well because the investigation from the work exposure is still ongoing. If not he will need to train his replacement as he is the only person in our state that does that particular job and there are only three people doing a similar job for the company we work for in the entire country.


And he and OW were doing cocaine??? And he regularly uses marijuana? crazy

His number one reason for leaving that job TODAY is to attempt to salvage your marriage.

His number two reason for leaving is that he is a pothead and occassional cocaine user who is in charge of people on life support.

Alarming.

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Originally Posted By: Montgomery
Wow, yeah well I guess I am somewhat in a fog. I've never been through anything like this before. Just trying to do the best I can but this is all new to me. It's confusing because it seems like he is trying but I totally get that it's probably damage control and more gaslighting.
But I do sincerely want to thank everyone for the overwhelming outpouring of support I've received.


Montgomery, I know this is hard, and you have been doing great. I know it is easier for us to look at this logically, whereas you have emotions involved. This is your life afterall.

But many of the posters here have been through this, and we have seen this a million times on these boards. We can tell if a WS is serious or not pretty easily. Whereas you are emotionally falling for the things he IS doing, we are reading between the lines at what he ISN'T doing. He is not serious. He has no intention of never seeing or speaking to the OW again. If he was, he would have immediately changed his phone number so that she could never contact him. Obviously, he did not do this. He would have quit the job with no intention of returning. Obviously, he did not do this either. The list could go on of the things he did NOT do to protect you.

Plan A is OVER. Dr Harley recommends 3 weeks of Plan A for a woman, and you have done much more than that. He recommends this because women start to suffer psychologically and physically after this. You have already been experiencing some of this damage.

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Here is the list of EP's Dr Harley recommends. Please tell us what has been done on this list:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

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The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

This means: never return to the workplace again, change or get rid of any method the AP had to contact him (cell#, email, social media...), MOVE.

You need to demand he do these things TODAY and if he even raises an eyebrow, pack his bags.

You really, really need to be serious about this. You need to make him know that he has two choices, continue his affair, or try to recover his marriage. He needs to know that there is no way you will settle for crumbs and let him continue to gaslight you. Or, he will.

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Originally Posted By: Montgomery
Thanks MelodyLane,

What a disaster. Perhaps his resigning and booking a getaway are his way of trying to show me he is serious. Perhaps not.


Of course he is not serious. "Resigning" but not leaving is like an alcoholic saying he will quit drinking the future. His words MEAN NOTHING. It is all empty talk. The vacation is a DISTRACION. It is like taking a vacation while the titanic is sinking.

He is not going to take this seriously unless you do! NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE!! NOTHING!!

Quote:
We work in a specialty field in medicine and it's nearly impossible to just flat out quit because unfortunately other people's lives are in our hands (people on life support). I do understand that never going back period is preferable. He has agreed to work remotely as much as possible. He may be fired as well because the investigation from the work exposure is still ongoing. If not he will need to train his replacement as he is the only person in our state that does that particular job and there are only three people doing a similar job for the company we work for in the entire country. My marriage is more important than all of that though.


Oh hell no. We have had NEUROSURGEONS, firemen, pilots, politicians quit on the spot. It is not impossible to leave that job. It is not. He cannot train his backfill. He needs to get out of there NOW.

Quote:
He has been agreeable to the list of EP's too. You are right that I will be able to tell if he's serious by his actions. It feels kind of strange to go into plan B now after he has finally started to wake up and act like he is trying and seems to be talking me seriously.


He has done NOTHING. Nothing has changed. Sahing he is "agreeable" but doing NOTHING is NOTHING.

He is not taking this seriously, because YOU do not take it seriously.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: apples123
Perhaps this is something she should ask Dr. Harley. He can loose his license if he abandons his patients. Montgomery, can you email Dr. Harley today?

Can he talk to a colleague and switch shifts? You would be amazed at the people who will come through for you if you let them know you are going to lose your marriage without their help. Kind of the same way people step up if a family member dies.



STOP!! She does not need to speak to Dr Harley. We already know the answer. That will be another distraction. He needs to leave the job. If he switches shifts, she can switch shifts./

Dr Harley advises NEVER returning to the workplace:

Quote:
When there is an affair in the workplace, and the other person continues to work there, my advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the other person again. But if the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

<snip>

But if the unfaithful spouse has not separated, I advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse that if he or she works there one more day, the affair will be exposed to the employer. That gives him or her an opportunity to use vacation time to look for another job and make a graceful exit. If a new job is not found by the time the vacation time is over, I recommend applying for an unpaid leave of absence or a resignation to avoid returning to work.


He should not return to this workplace. He has done NOTHING, NOTHING to end his affair. He sees his lover every day at work so this whole exercise is pointless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Lin62
And as for work, I get he can't just walk away, he can give you all his contacts and everyone would have to go through you first as a screener to his conversations and office.


Oh no, he certainly can walk away. These are Americans so he is not an endentured servant.

Quote:
You would need to accompany him to his office and any meetings. He will need to be with you always unti he can leave that job.He simply will not stop the affair if he is having contact at work. Way wards are wayward period.


The OW works at the office so this would never work.

I don't think some of you folks understand this situation and how serious it is. [unwritten does, thank God!] The WS works with the OW. THEY WORK TOGETHER. Their affair has taken place in the workplace primarily.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Montgomery, let me put this another way. STEP ONE is ending contact. He has not taken STEP ONE. You should separate until that happens.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Originally Posted By: Montgomery
We work in a specialty field in medicine and it's nearly impossible to just flat out quit because unfortunately other people's lives are in our hands (people on life support). I do understand that never going back period is preferable. He has agreed to work remotely as much as possible. He may be fired as well because the investigation from the work exposure is still ongoing. If not he will need to train his replacement as he is the only person in our state that does that particular job and there are only three people doing a similar job for the company we work for in the entire country.


And he and OW were doing cocaine??? And he regularly uses marijuana? crazy

His number one reason for leaving that job TODAY is to attempt to salvage your marriage.

His number two reason for leaving is that he is a pothead and occassional cocaine user who is in charge of people on life support.

Alarming.

This is what I'm thinking.

Even if there were no affair there's some pretty serious implications in here if you do not report this now that you know, Montgomery.


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I realize it is not good forum etiquette to not address everyone's thoughtful replies and I sincerely apologize. I have read all your replies and have taken them to heart. I mostly haven't posted because I'm completely embarrassed but I'm in plan D with my portion of the savings account and I started working full-time this week. It's too painful to go into my failures with everyone here after I have been so thoroughly humiliated by my WH. Thanks to everyone for the unwavering support, compassion, tough love and reality check. I think my situation was just too broken by the time I found this place. I recommended MB to the OW's BH today. Perhaps it can help him as they have two teenagers at home still. Much love and appreciation to all that helped me in my time of need. I will forever be grateful and please keep doing this important work.


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I'm sorry for you pain. You don't need to be embarrassed.

Could you please tell us what happened? Keep in mind that there are lurkers who are following along and can learn from your mistakes.

Also...just because you are in Plan B/D doesn't mean you won't still need guidance and support. I leaned heavily on my MB friends during that time.


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Thanks SusieQ. I found out more lies from the OW's BH this weekend. I immediately went into plan B. I gave my WH one more chance to come clean with the truth and as you all already know he continued to lie all the while professing his love for me and desire to work on our marriage. My brother is our IM because we must get this house sold where he in part conducted his affair. I transferred half of the savings plus my PI expenses into my own account before going into plan B. There isn't much more to say except my WH and the OW are technically still working together and I can't cope with that or the lies anymore. I'm devastated, demoralized and spent far too long being lied to in plan A.

On a personal note I tested clean of all STD's. I've lost too much weight from not being able to eat. I started smoking again and I've been drinking alcohol everyday which I've never done before due to a family history of alcoholism. I have to get myself back on track and obviously I can't do that and continue to deal with my WH and his affair.

I truly appreciate each and everyone of you more than words can express.


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I'm so sorry Montgomery for your pain. Please don't feel embarrassed for the awful act your WH committed. You don't deserve this and shouldn't feel ashamed for his dispicable choices.

Please stay with us so we may help you with your continued path.

So is he out of the house?


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