Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 19 of 19 1 2 17 18 19
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.


EMAIL RECEIVED FROM HARLEY. QUESTION WAS ANSWERED ON RADIO SHOW


Originally Posted By: MB Radio Show

Hello Forest,

I wanted you to know that we addressed your email of August 17 on todays Marriage Builders Radio Show, Monday 18, 2014.

Our discussion was towards the end of the hour.

You can listen to a replay by simply going to: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab Listen Now. Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.

This show will be replayed until noon Central Time, Monday, August 19.
After that you will not be able to listen to this show.

Feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

Joyce Harley


The general guideline from Dr. Harley was for men to date women up to 7 years younger; women to date up to 7 years older.
Those were general guidelines.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
I heard the segment.

I love when Joyce said you sound very scientific and that at the end she said she can't wait to hear when you find someone to marry!







Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: reading
I heard the segment.

I love when Joyce said you sound very scientific and that at the end she said she can't wait to hear when you find someone to marry!



She is a very nice lady.
I'm really not looking; I've just been busy living.
I now have "shared parenting" so my exww gets the kids every other weekend;
I've taken the time to compete in running events (I ran in a 5k race Friday night and then another Saturday morning)...and then went to a comedy club with a group of singles Saturday night!

So, I've just been floating along.
I lucked out and got the entire set of the great books for $10!! This set probably cost thousands when it was new and I got it for $10 so I have enough reading material to last the next 10 years...also I am busy preparing for the garden next spring....

Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 280
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 280
Hi Jhamila, I am sorry to hear you are heartbroken


It seems like you have fallen in LOVE after 3 weeks of dating a perfect stranger
I just cannot wrap my mind around that fact!

Acually, as a 37 year old single European male (who has been in two unsuccesful shackup relationships for 8 and 4 years) this timeline scares the living cr*p out of me!!!

I would not even dare to go exclusive with someone I've only met 3 weeks ago!
To start with: I would not trust my own feelings to be genuine: is this real love or am I projecting all my desires on this one person that I am infatuated with?
My "picker" has been faulty many times before, why would I trust it now?
My friends & family would warn me too if I am infatuated with someone I've only met recently

If I find myself in your position I ALWAYS take a step back and start dating other people ASAP:
This amount of chemistry with someone on such a short notice makes me go deaf, dumb & blind for every red-flag this person may be waiving in my face! (You are not different: I think Indie pointed that one out nicely!)

Some of your statements stroke a chord because it is the exact reason why I find most 30+ woman which I date, their own worst enemy. I'll pick the most obvious quote:

Quote:
I haven't told about the handsome attorney yet. It's kind of funny but a little unnerving, and it started by his rescheduling our first date several times (a sure sign of ambivalence):

So a man, whome you never met before, reschedules a first date and this is a SURE SIGN of ambivalence... Really? Maybe he is dating 4 other people or has a relative in the hospital?
--> You are projecting your desires on a perfect stranger and when he reschedules, your desire turns into pain.

This is what is called "attachment" in Buddhism and
"Attachment is the source of all suffering!"

Seeking happiness so desperately from outside in any form is a fools game as it is incapable of giving us real or lasting happiness. Especially if the other person is as neurotic as we are! How are we going to give them security when we cant even find it within ourselves?

So lets look at the kind of thing that happens when we fall in love. If our attachment comes on strong, it is like falling in a ditch completely out of our control.

Lets say were hanging out with good friends. Were having a whale of a time, joking, affectionate, enjoying a great night out, until suddenly a really attractive person (to our eyes) walks into the restaurant. Suddenly our happiness is over there. Were feeling a bit bereft. Were fast forgetting about our friends because now its, Ive got to meet that person! Then they walk out the door, taking our happiness with them!

The scheming begins. How to get their number, set up a date, have their kids. There seem to be three stages to this kind of desirescheming, indulging, and recovery. Scheming they are going to complete me, this is it! Maybe were lucky enough and we do get their phone number, their email. We wait by the phone are people still waiting by the phone now? Well, in the old days, before we were plugged 24/7 into the cloud, it went something like this: Ill just go buy some groceries, Ill be away for an hour or so, then by the time Ive got home they are bound to have called. But no messages. No emails either. This is painful.

Then maybe the right caller ID or a relevant email does show up, and, ecstatically relieved, we do manage to hook up. We take a thousand photos of our happiness on our Smart phone, from every angle. Everything about them is delicious and special their perfume, their eating habits, the way they drive They can do no wrong. The fact that others dont get it, or even see faults in our angel, is just a sad indictment on their lack of discrimination.

This phase of romantic indulgence goes on, they tell us from studies, for about six months.

Then at some point we say to this person, Honey, I really love you and want you to be happy. And they reply, Im really glad to hear you say that because Ive been taking ballroom dancing classes and Ive fallen for Giovanna, shes Italian. Suddenly everything goes pear-shaped. That wasnt what we meant. We say, But I didnt want you to be happy if youre not giving me happiness!

Now all the objects of happiness are causes of suffering. The same perfume is now unbearable, the same car is a horrible reminder. All the things that seemed causes of our happiness are now causes of our pain. Maybe we take all their stuff and throw it out of the window. Take all of your stuff and get out! We think its all their fault, but really the scales have fallen from our eyes and we are realizing that they werent the source of our happiness to begin with.

With attachment, we are set up from the get go for disillusionment when that person inevitably cannot deliver the happiness we sought in them, when they cannot live up to our hype. We need time to recover because thwarted attachment is very, very painful. It can make people feel down for months. It can drive people to kill themselves. And it is very dangerous because when were in the indulging phase it can look so good that we forget its outcome and fall for it time and time again.

Attachment is called sticky desire If you have hairy arms, you can try this experiment, if not youll just have to imagine it. Plaster a sticky band aid onto your arm, leave it for a bit, and then tear it off. How does that feel? At some point also we are separated one way or another from our object of attachment, and it hurts. Tears. We often want to lash out.

If we are skillful, friends can be like treasure chests, from whom we can gain the precious wealth of love, compassion, patience, and so forth. For our friends to function in this way, however, our love for them must be free from attachment. If our love for our friends is mixed with strong attachment, it will be conditional on their behaving in ways that please us, and as soon as they do something we disapprove of, our fondness for them may turn to anger.

Last edited by geroldmodel; 08/19/14 07:21 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,269
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.


EMAIL RECEIVED FROM HARLEY. QUESTION WAS ANSWERED ON RADIO SHOW


Originally Posted By: MB Radio Show

Hello Forest,

I wanted you to know that we addressed your email of August 17 on todays Marriage Builders Radio Show, Monday 18, 2014.

Our discussion was towards the end of the hour.

You can listen to a replay by simply going to: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab Listen Now. Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.

This show will be replayed until noon Central Time, Monday, August 19.
After that you will not be able to listen to this show.

Feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

Joyce Harley


The general guideline from Dr. Harley was for men to date women up to 7 years younger; women to date up to 7 years older.
Those were general guidelines.


Here's the show, Radio Clip on Jedi_Knight's question


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1
I personally tried several dating sites, but it didn't work for me for some reason. I had pretty low conversion rate and it's very depressing when you keep sending messages and didn't get any responses. **EDIT**

moderators note: please don't link to dating sites on this forum. thank you

Last edited by Denali; 04/21/17 07:35 AM. Reason: TOS removing link
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
OK, here's my online dating story.
Two years after my divorce from ex who had an EA that lasted for years and is still ongoing (I didn't Plan A, this was back in the old days on MB) the marriage died, and I finally filed for D.)

So I made a profile with a headline that mentioned Soupy Sales, because I wanted someone old enough to understand what that tv show was about,
Responded to some divorced men whose profiles looked like my type of guys, said No Thank You to a few before even meeting,
and found a guy whose profile started out "Must Love Cats". He
met most of my requirements, plus some I hadn't listed. He had a workshop in his garage, attended synagogue regularly, attended Talmud study, and was active on the Board, knew how to fix things, including electrical and plumbing in his home, his own truck and motorcycle (!) and had 2 adult children plus a nearly adult son, had civil relationships with both of his exes, and liked to eat.
We attended his synagogue's Casino Night on our first date. We competed against each other telling outrageous jokes while seated on a loveseat in the foyer outside the hall. We enjoyed an exclusive romantic relationship for 9 years.
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. Had the surgery, chemo, and I became his fulltime caregiver. A year to the day from his diagnosis, he died. The cancer was just too strong. Still, nobody had ever made me happier in every way.
The cute ending: He left me his cats, two of which are the same ones he mentioned in the dating profile that I answered! I miss him very much. I didn't date 30 men, but was lucky to find the best one for me right out of the gate.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
Page 19 of 19 1 2 17 18 19

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 42 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,525
Posts2,322,541
Members71,672
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5