I am having a bad day----feelings are growing in me that I can't seem to overcome today. D-day was over 4 months ago...plan A was successful and I decided I could no longer "watch" the man I love give his attention and affection to another any longer. I basically pushed my WS out the door with a plea for my emotional health. He agreed that he was hurting me beyong belief but does think he loves OW. He did not want to move out----maybe cause he cares or maybe cause he wanted both (comfort and excitement). He cried, was depressed and could not sleep the whole week before. I went to garage sales and bargain stores to set him up as comfortably as possible in his new place. (he is a 55 yr old paraplegic involved with a 26 yr old girl) He did nothing to prepare for the move until one hour before he left. He was overwhelmed with my care and love and does not understand it. But now I am struggling with the feelings that he is loving every minute with OW and that they are on their "honeymoon". I wake up at night with the feeling that something is being taken from me that belongs to me...like someone is stealing what is mine or someone is giving away what belongs to me. <P>I am not sure what to do with Plan A and Plan B....I do not want to chit chat about his life and be his friend cause he does look to me for advice. I almost want him to feel withdrwal from me...On the other hand, I do not know if out of sight out of mind is beneficial for either of us to get to a decision on our marriage. What determines when to Plan A and Plan B? I know, too, I would get some satisfaction if I knew he was struggling but if I don't talk to him, I will never know that. (basically, it sounds like I am having trouble letting go) I am praying that God will help to let go...I never do this well.<P>I know I have to heal and that is the main reason I decided he HAD to leave. How do you heal while separated and not knowing where your life is going? Any good suggestions on what to read while in this state? I do not feel I want to read how to rebuild my marriage cause there is no building going on at all right now. I still think I need to understand the dynamics of Affairs but how can I move away from the pain if I am still thinking about the cause of my pain?<P>My WS has no one but OW right now...grown sons and most family members are not happy with him and have withdrawn from him for now. How can this OW be so "special"? My H has a drinking problem which I think was the wall that came between us. He would spend hours hanging out with his brother drinking and doing guy stuff and never participating in family things now he seems to be a devoted, social campanion to OW. These thoughts are haunting me so I am hoping that as I get them out, they will have less of a hold on me.<P>Thanks everyone for listening cause I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND.<BR>TW<P><P>------------------<BR>Psalm 23

Hi Tossedwave:<P>You may not believe this but I think you've done the best thing you can do by letting your WH go to live with OW. When the WH won't give up OW and intends to continue to see them while living with BS then we serve as sort of a cushion from reality and that's not what they need....they need to be forced to deal with OW each and every day...in everyday situations.<P>Sure this may seem like they are living in an unfettered honeymoon state while you are in great pain....but it won't last....the mere fact that he wanted to be at home and with OW at the same time says that there are needs being met by you that she cannot meet.<P>As for continuing with Plan A or going to Plan B...that really is up to you...at what level is your tolerance...your lovebank...your sanity...remember this will all be easier now that he is out of the home...unless and until he decides he wants to come back.<P>One thought that occurred to me was "Is OW a recreational companion to his drinking?" You seem to indicate this was the case. This could be important as it could indicate that his problem lies more with a MLC and substance abuse problems then with A....and makes it harder to deal with. I say this because my WH's A was also tied into drinking and barhoping and "having a good time"....and you know what...he got tired of it...the people...the endless stories about how life did them wrong...the lying....it was colorful for a while when he was running from his life...but he's beginning to want his life back. Such might be the same with your WH (my WH also had/has health problems...stroke, heart surgery, diabetes).<P>Either way this problems sound a lot like it is not rooted in the marriage but in you WH's inability to deal with his life (my WH too)....not that I'm not acknowledging that there were not problems in the marriage and that I have contributed to same...but they could have been dealt with within the marriage...his need for hedonistic indulgence in OW and bars could not....because they need to be dealt with within himself.<P>So in a way you are giving him the time and space to work out those problems for himself...and don't worry about OW...she's just a means to an end...and when the problems have been worked out...she will no longer be needed and will be gone. I just pray that he does not take so long that you get tired of waiting and move on.<P>Faye<P><BR>

You say you've already gone to Plan B. To go back to Plan A will only send the message that what he is doing is acceptable to you and that you will take whatever little piece of him he is willing to give. Is that what you want?<P>I read your post to me on my other thread. When H and I separated he had a plan to go to be with OW who lives 350 miles away from us. I told him, her or me. Our kids played a big part in his decision to get into counseling and figure out what he wanted since I wasn't going to let him have both.He also got treatment for his depression which helped immensely.<P>TS, if you are still conversing with H you are meeting an EN. By doing that you are prolonging the length of time it will take him to realize OW is not it. A 26 year old woman is going to tire taking care of a 55 year old paraplegic alcoholic. She will see she doesn't have the future she needs with him. You need to let her meet all of his needs and focus on rebuilding your life without him. When he sees this and hears of this from other family members, and you at the same time no longer meet his need for conversation and stop offering him a way to connect with you things will change. I can't give you any guarantees on how they will change but they will change and either way YOU will get the answers you need.<P>If d-day was only 4 months ago and you spent time in plan a you are only in the first few innings of the game. Be patient, meet none of his ENs and make you the best you can be and most of all LIVE LIFE even when you don't feel like it.

Up for more input.

Thanks Buffy and mthrrhbard....your input just confirmed my perception of things. What wisdom we gain from our pain. You two have encourged me greatly.<P>Buffy, I do think you hit the nail on the head...OW is tied into the recreational companionship with the drinking and MLC is definitely a major complication here. I perceive her as his little toy right now cause their relationship is so adolescent. I have read their e-mails and overheard cell phone conversations. Why is MLC harder or is it the drinking element that makes it all so hard?<P>I want to live my life and move forward with or without WS but obsessive thoughts pull me down. I learn things I don't want to know but I guess I have to look at why I am finding some things out. I heard from BIL tonight that my H went away for weekend and this brings up major financial concerns for me. He is indebt with the A and now he proceeds to use money he does not have. I think I have to see a lawyer to guarantee that he pays his share of the bills til he decides what he wants to do.<P>Again thanks to all for their time and concern...this site has helped me so tremendously through all this garbage of the A.<P>TW<P>------------------<BR>Psalm 23

Hi tossedwave:<P>Just a thought or two and then I need to get to bed.<P>The experts claim that MLC can take more time to resolve then just an A...maybe because it is rooted in depression...but the time frame can run up to 5 years...although my WH has been at this for about 4 years now...off and on. And the addition of having to deal with an alcohol abuse problem just complicates matters. I've not had to deal with the alcohol...my WH just liked to be around those people because he has low self esteem and they think he's great because he's a professional man.<P>WH's OW is also a piece of work...a 48 year old teenager he calls her...a drunk...married 3 times...doesn't work...just lays around watching TX and having S** (from what he says) and going out to the bars at night. WH neglected his work in favor of being with OW (she didn't want him to work... just to stay home with her) which caused him to lose professional standing but he claimed not to care. <P>Well, he cares now...and is slowly coming out of the fog...whatever the fog was...and now wants to put his life back together...but the average BS would not have been here to pick up the pieces with him...and everyday I wonder why I am.<P>I also find this very typical of my WH...he is an obsessive person...in every way...he never does anything half way...anything he is into he is into...to the exclusion of everything else...for a while...until the obsession wears off. Does this sound familar? It therefore did not surprise me that once he decided that was going to die soon (this has been ten years ago)...he wanted to indulge himself in all the things he thought he had missed...other women...liquor...responsibility free life...whatever. Only he found out he hadn't missed a thing and missed what really matter to him...his family. I hope your WH does the same.<P><BR>Faye

Maybe this thread will help?<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004267.html" TARGET=_blank>When does Plan B end?</A><P>Even tho Plan B should have been YOUR idea, now that he's gone, you can still go ahead and write your Plan B letter and keep doing Plan A, that is, if you want him back.