I know my H has been putting together his new bed today in his apartment and it's really hard to do anything today without crying. I DON't want to cry when I see him at our home. I don't want to cry when he leaves tonight. <P>I just want to crawl into a hole, wake up and think this was all a bad dream.

TERRIFIED,<P>Why don't you ask him to leave when you are not there? He's putting you through too much already.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hi Z, Thanks for posting. Remember, my H wants NO ONE to know that he has an apartment or that he is leaving. I say, how about the neighbours. He says, he's leaving after 10:00 p.m. (after D's bedtime) so that no one will suspect...life as usual on the outside is what he wants until he's absolutely sure. Yeah, right. <P>Sometimes I think I'm hopeful enough to believe he's unsure. Other times, I believe he's doing this to protect himself and his OW. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

T<BR>I have been reading your posts. I'm the mother of an OW. I can say that from talking to her (when she would talk)that he is doing this to protect the relationship with OW. Think about this. First of all, by verture of "moose brain worms" he is not thinking clearly. Affairs are extremely selfish. If he wants a future with OW then he has to protect this relationship. <BR>(((((((((T)))))))))))) you sound like a battered wife! Are you in counseling? Don't keep his secret!! No Matter What!!<BR> <BR>I think that in your heart you have the ansewers but you are afraid of the man (acutally not really a MAN, just a man). A MAN doesn't act like this. He is a bully.<P>Please concentrate on you and getting strong. You are going to need it.<P>I keep reading great advise given to you, perhaps you are not ready to hear it but please go back and read some of the post written to you again.<BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Marry

Terrified--<P>I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I agree with gottruth---you gotta tell. It is NOT fair to you that H is taking no responsibility for his actions---Nobody knows. That is a bunch of cra*!!! I think he feel guilty and doesn't want anyone to say anything to him----then he would have to justify his action, and he can't!<P>Do something for yourself tonight----go out---don't be there when H leaves. Take kids to movies, something. I know it is a school night, but you need this for you!<P>I am praying for you now! I know you can do it!! Have faith---Pray, pray, pray! It WILL be ok! <P>Hugs to you!!<P>Krystal

Terrified,<BR>Enough is enough. You have done nothing to be ashamed about and somehow this guy has you believing that you should protect him...I say put an end to it..Tell him no...protect yourself...somehow he's got you brainwashed into doing everything you can to enable not only his relationship with OW, but also that you're responsible for protecting it. At this point I'm suprised he didn't have you put together the bed. I say go to full no contact now...unless he's willing to change, do not allow him back into your life.<BR>T

I agree, don't protect him. That doesn't mean spil the beans about everythign to everyone. But don't let him think you are goign to keep all of his secrets. I know how hard this is. When my H first piled this all on me he told me he woudl stay in the house and sleep in the spare room. For the next 2 weeks he was there sometimes, sometimes not. Then one night I looked in his car and found the classified listing with apts. circled. The next day when he got home from work he told me he got an apartment (which was a complete lie of course) said he "couldn't take the guilt of being in the house anymore". Then he filled a trashbag with clothes and left. It was awful. But we are still a success story. I never promised to keep any of his secrets though.

Terrified......honesty is the best policy, always! If people should ask about your husband's whereabouts, answer with whatever makes you most comfortable. There are ways to be honest with people without revealing things that are hurtful to yourself. Let your H carry-on as he wishes but you can continue to keep your integrity. If someone presses the issue with you, tell them that you don't wish to discuss the intimates with them at the time and thank them for their concern. <P>You'll do just fine.....hang in there and be strong <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Dear T, <P>NOTE: The post below is meant for comic relief. While some of it is based on a true life experience, the intent of this post is to help the reader release some pain and tension hopefullly via a laugh at how silly these things can get.<P> **************************************************<P>You may think I am cruel for saying this but because he wants to keep it such a secret and it is hurting you then, when he is about to leave, turn on all the lights where he is going out. Let the dog out, whatever. "Bye honey, call me when you get to your new apartment." <P>Don't make too much noise but why keep it a secret? It's no secret to you or your family. I even helped H take the his clothes and stuff out. H did not like it but hey, it was his choice to leave his family. <P>H threatened me and said, are you going to tell everyone? I said only some. Did not specify who, but it did not stop him either. However, it did help me. Now it may have slowed down his return since he harbored such hate for what I did but for me, it was what I needed to do. I could not stand to see his things in our home (especially our bedroom) knowing he was with OW. So for my sanity I had to move it out and quickly. The 3rd time I put it in the garage. Yet even that was not good enough for H, he wanted to leave it in the house. Why? I don't know, you see it really had nothing to do with the neighbors, it had to do with the fact that he was leaving and did not want to be reminded that we really all knew about it already. Crazy fog stuff. No logic just plain stupidty. <P>Let's see, H's clothes went out on the front porch 3 times. Twice the police were called (not by me - 1st time by his sister and 2nd time by H himself). Hm...... <P>H still is upset about those incidents. Note: I did not call the police but he blames me for them coming since I initiated sending his clothes out there. Hm..... Even the police said my throwing his clothes out since he was taking them to the OW's house was to be expected. Moving out at his leisure or incognito was not my style. Since this was no longer H's domain, I did have a right to move his stuff out quicker. <P>Now, I am not advocating such drastic action but after 2 times of this stuff, the 3rd time became much easier. Less painful. Just boxed up his stuff and out it went. Took less time also. I got quite good at packing his stuff up. <BR>I could do it in less than 1 hour. First time, I folded and packed, by the 3rd time, large garbage bags made it much eaiser. <P>Say, I will ask H what he thinks about your H's idea. It is interesting how WS's react to the actions of other Ws's. <P><<<hugs>>> T, if all my post does is make you laugh, that's ok. These crazy experiences let us know that we are not the only ones sharing our lives with fogheads. <P>Take Care and be careful. <BR>L.<P><BR>

T<BR>My husband wrote a letter to our daughter's MM. At the end he said, "If you let my daughter know about this letter, I will let significant people in your life know about the information I have. (the information was something that could have gotten this Morman Bishop excomunicated). He wrote back to my husband, in the letter he said that "if YOU let others know there will be alot of inocent people hurt" (his wife and kids). Can you believe this!!!!!!!!!!<BR>The father of his OW would be at falt? What nerve. I so want to expose him!!!!!!!!<BR> <BR>This is what your H is doing. passing the responsibility to YOU. I'll bet this isn't the first time. Think back, this kind of thing has happened before, right!? The people at work are at falt, it's your falt, the dog did it, always a reason why he has to be protected. Think, this is the way he is. <BR>Your name says it all, please get some professional help. <BR>I read about how he did the dishes etc. He is just happy that he gets to go ahead with OW and has you under control.<P>If he can afford an app. and a NEW BED then he can afford for you to get some help. If he doesn't want you to get help it is because you may see through his sceme or get stronger and he may loose control of you.<P>I know you have a lot to read here and it will take time for all this stuff to sift down, I know that this is the hardest time ever but please listen to the people who have been coaching you along. They are right and you know it. I can tell in your writing, you just need the confidence.<P>(((((T)))))<P><P>------------------<BR>Marry

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Orchid:<BR>[B]Dear T, <BR> First time, I folded and packed, by the 3rd time, large garbage bags made it much eaiser. >>>>><P>My H lived out of a trash bag for his entire affair. I guess seeing where he was living and who he was living with it was a perfectly fitting piece of luggage. She probably thought it was tres chic lol.<P>

I know all of you are right and I thank-you for your words but today I just don't have any strength or will. <P>I just feel lost.

Dear T,<P>I hear ya, just know that this feeling you are having will subside to one you can handle. How long and when may vary but you will get better. In the meantime, keep posting here and let us know if you need to talk. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Orchid, always coming to my rescue when I'm at my lowest...can you explain to me why H wanted to be intimate tonight, why he kept saying that he's not closing any doors, why I feel closer to him now than I have in a very long time...BTW, I didn't pull at him or act desperate. I actually did help him with packing some spare dishes.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>Orchid, always coming to my rescue when I'm at my lowest...can you explain to me why H wanted to be intimate tonight, why he kept saying that he's not closing any doors, why I feel closer to him now than I have in a very long time...BTW, I didn't pull at him or act desperate. I actually did help him with packing some spare dishes. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Probably because he feels guilty i would venture to guess. Obviously he's in THE fog and really doesn't know what to think himself right now and was probably looking for intimacy as some kind of comfort at this time. As for feeling closer, could it be because the two of you are talking more (albeit about unpleasant things) these last few days or that both of you have now let your guard down since you are at this crossroads? H and I talked more after filing for divorce than we did during so called recovery. <BR> <BR>I think you should take a warm bath, have some wine or Ben & Jerry's (whichever is more comforting to you) and try to get some rest tonight so you have more energy and strength tomorrow. If Plan a'ing is your plan, try to stay on course the best you can. In the meantime, continue to work on being the best you that you can be. H will see in time what he is missing.<P><BR>

Terrified - I don't have any answers... just wanted you to know I'm out here and praying for you. Hang in there. We care about you, really we do. I am too tired to be constructive right now but will check back in the am. OK? I mean, I will stay up if you need... I am here to listen and wish I could give you a hug.

Hi w2e & ewo, Thanks for responding to my posts when you should probably be sleeping. W2E, Actually, my H kissed me tonight like he's never kissed me since d-day. It was pretty amazing and confusing at the same time. I don't know why but it felt good so I'll leave it alone. I did tell him that I wanted intimacy only when he could say he loved me. <P>Are you in recovery?<P>EWO, Thanks for your hugs. God knows, I really need them right now. Sweet dreams...

Hi T,<P>Oh, I had this weird post about a vacuum cleaner and pigpen from Charlie Brown, then I lost it. ...... oh well.<P>In response to your question about why H wanted to be intimate with you? I don't have a logical reason or answer because there isn't one. These emotional swings are hard. Otherwise known as the rollercoaster. <P>Accept the good and toss out the bad. Then the ride evens out better (less hard dips).... As for your feelings, well that is pretty much on target since I believe you are getting pretty tired of his antics. Watch him, if he misses you, you will see more signs of him treating you better. Don't settle for scraps. You are worth more than that. It is harder to do but worth it. <P>The fact that he kissed you is nice and may make you feel hopeful, but in the fog it could be a temporary thing. Especially if the OW is strong willed. Let the OW LB. Keep showing your charm and make him desire you. If you consume his thoughts, OW will know. <P>Do something tonight to help you relax. <P>L.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><P>Are you in recovery?<BR>...[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Recovery? Ummmm I wouldn't exactly call it that, it's more like Purgatory.<P>However I am starting to think that the only way this marriage will survive is for it to have a happy balance.<BR>Balance:<BR>I can be his sperm bank and he can be my ATM machine.<P>there's just GOT to be more!<P>Please go to bed now, Terr!!!!!<P>

Ok terrified, I'm taking that as permission to go to sleep. I was up way too late last night on here...who was it that predicted I'd be zombie woman today? They were right. I'm saying prayers for all as I pass out...nighty night everyone...<P>