I have not called or received a call from my WH. I have not called because he said he doesnt want to be my buddy or friend, so there is no reason to call him and make him madder. Its been 3 days today.

Other than that, i am not doing anything. He is going "home" to OW and i am not having a chance to give a "plan a." Help.

I'm right there with you. Today makes 1 week since the last phone call I've had from my WW. She's also living with OM and doesn't want to talk about it.

Plan A is MOSTLY about working on you. Learning everything you can, making yourself the better person you always wanted to be. Exercise, eat right, maybe change your hair or go to a tanning bed. If it makes you a better person, or just makes you feel better, it's a strong part of Plan A.

The other part of Plan A is for your WH to see you're becoming a better person.. He may not understand or believe it at first, but it'll have to sink in eventually.

I'm debating on the communications issue myself. She doesn't want me to call, but I reallly want to and am unsure if I should or not.

johnnyB, we have very similar circumstances. i am dying inside right now w/the no contact. i have the house spotless when he has come to see the kids, was putting away dinner, and beds were even made. he noticed.

but he is w/this much younger girl, and i see yours is with a much older man.

it would be interesting to keep in touch to see how our plans work out.

Kuljey,

Plan A is about you, just like you just heard. How is your WH going to notice? well, running in front of him and showing him wont help. He will resent it, and he will actually not believe the changes. He will believe you are doing them to get him back, not to do them because you should. And he would be RIGHT!

But...if you make the changes while he is not in contact with you, and then he comes around to see the kids, or his anger lessens or his relationship with OW goes sour one night, he will come by or call. And when he does, he will notice the changes in you AND he will notice that you did them without trying to show him you did them.

My wife noticed about a month after she moved out that the kids (who were still living with me) were always dressed in clothes that were pressed. You see, one complaint she had was she thought I never helped her around the house. Now I was doing it all by myself, with her gone. Had I gone around asking her to come see how well I was keeping house, or see that I wasnt just buying McDonalds, but instead making dinner most nights? did I draw the kids' clothes to her attention? No.

First of all, the changes in this area were good for me. Whether or not I remain with this wife, or have a new one, I need to be more helpful around the house. Since I have been doing it ALL for the last 7 months, I am very prepared to do that. So, I took care of me first. Secondly, by making the changes on my own, then I was prepared when she was ready to "see" them. So, when she came over, or saw the kids, she would notice how well the house was kept, or how well they looked. This is just one area.

Look...the problems our spouses bring up are mostly legitimate We need to improve. And it is these problems that bother them. dont you think they will notice, without you waving the flag of change at them, when they come by and see the changes? Of course they will! The changes will stand out.

So, Plan A is first about making a better Kuljey. And by doing so, your spouse will notice on his own. He may not say so for awhile, but each change that he notices, especially if he notices it is a permanent change, will alter his perception of you. Which will then bring his fantasy life crashing down.

In His arms.

Yes, we do appear to be in the same boat here.

The lack of communication is hard. Probably one of the hardest parts. Since we began dating 6½ years ago, my WW and I had never spent more than 5 days apart. Now, I've not seen her for a month and barely talked to her in that time period. It adds to the hurt of losing a lover, knowing your also loosing your best friend.

Plan A for me so far:
Reading.. Been through 2 of Harleys books HN/HN and SAA. Got 2 of his others on the bookshelf for me to read as time allows. Currently reading Carder's book Torn Assunder. Also, reading MB here at the office when I should be working <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . (Oh well, I'm still meeting my deadlines)

Also, physical health kicked in as a strong part of my Plan A. I was always pretty average, not overweight, but not really 'defined'. Just so happens the week after my WW moved out, our company purchased employee memberships to the local health club. So, for the past 3 weeks, I've been at the gym 6 days a week. It's great for burning off energy, frustration, and helps my mood. Plus, the results are starting to show when I look in the mirror, making me feel better about myself.

Before my WW ever moved out, I was the one who already did all the housework, dishes, laundry, etc. So that's no different than it was before. I have the less stressful job, so I took care of things around the house to make her life easier. Now I wonder if maybe I made things tooo easy for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Socially, I have a few friends I see from time to time. One of my college buddies came into town last weekend and stayed with me friday night. (He's engaged to a Woman here in our home town, so he comes in when he can to be with her). I also have some old friends from my highschool days that I was always very close to. They have really taken to seeing that I'm okay, calling every other day or so just to check up on me and make sure I'm doing alrite.

Another part of my Plan A is my renewed faith in God. The past few years, I havn't felt as close to Christ as I know I should. I've rededicated my life to God and began attending a new church. (I don't want to go to the one me and my WW used to go to.. don't want to explain why she's not with me to 100 people. So far, only close friends and family know about the A)

Reading and deep thought have let me realize a lot of the mistakes made in our marriage. I can look back now and see them as clearly as daylight. And I feel like knowing that, we could tackle those problems and make our marriage better than ever before.

But, the only thing my WW has said since moving out Relationship Wise is "I can't try again... Not right now.. I don't feel like I can trust you with my emotions"... (5 minutes after saying this, she had to get off the phone.. OM needed to call someone and it was almost time for them to go to bed.......)

So my Plan A right now is to just focus on me, make me the best JohnnyB I can be, and hope my WW comes around. Hopefully she'll see the changes and come around on her own. Like Mortarman said, if you go trying to show the changes off, they won't be believed as true.. Just a temporary thing. Just live your life better and focus on yourself. Keep up the faith and hope, as always.

Here is a poem I once gave my WW back when we were dating, right around the time we got engaged. I loved it so much I memorized it (although forgot the author's name).

My life was once a game of chance, a solitary Quest,
A lonesome search for someone who could fill my world the best.

But then my heart discovered something pure and something free,
The love I felt for you and all that you expressed for me.

You were the substance of my dreams so softly coming true.
You saw as much within my soul as I precieved in you.

It's sometimes hard to love unless another feels the same.
You let the sparks of true affection mirror back a flame.

When Love fills one it may remain a possibility.
When Love fills two, dreams come true.
So thanks for loving me.

update. heard for WH a little while ago. he called to ask if his 11 yr old needed a ride from soccer. i told him that i had made arrangements. he said, oh, i was just calling to see if she needed a ride and if the kids wanted to see me. i said, no its ok, i made arrangements. then he said, you sound mad. i said, no everything is fine. he said, oh well you sounded mad. i said no everything is wonderful. so he asked, well do the kids want to see me. i said the 11 yr old is at school. so he said he would call me after she is out.

kuljey:

You're getting good feedback and you're doing a good job of plan A.

a lot of people here are in this situation where their WS has moved out and claims not to want anything to do with them, but then they keep calling or coming over, with one excuse or another to do so. Just remember what plan A is for - you and your kids, first, but also to give your WS a safe place to come to when the A starts to fall apart and the OW starts to LB.

For so soon out of the gate, you're doing very well.

-Qfwfq

Yup. Contact sounds like it's in a positive fashion. Seems like you're plan A is doing good. Just keep it up, and remember, the focus of plan A is you. Do what you feel/need/want to make yourself happier.

Good luck and God Bless.