my father in law talked to wh yesterday. he offered him a free place to live (in a trailer he has.) he thought it would be good to have a place for him to have his children spend the nite w/him and have a home for them when wh has them.

WH SAID NO! HE IS NOT LEAVING THE OW! HE IS TOO HAPPY!

I am devastated! It brings up the whole, he left me for that ow who is more important, but that his children are of no importance to him!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Remember Yvonne you are still in the early stages of this A thing. I am sure you feel quite old in it but really you are not.

Need to keep refocsing yourself so that you don't wallow up in pain and pity. Need to keep strong.

Of course he is in love with the OW. He is also in the fog and will be for a while. Mine thought his only options was living with the OW. His options really were his 2 of his sisters homes or his parents. Even his dad would have let him stay in the living room for a while. Well he had to spend a few nights on the street in the dead of winter not for 1 season but 3 different winters! Sometimes the fog even slows their brain. Definitely does damage to it.

So you need to take your precautions. Do you really want his pain in your home right now? See the benefit for him being in the fog and away from you. Read up on those who are dealing with it in the home and know it is worse than if he is out there. See when he is out there and the WS/OP fights? He has less of an option to take it out on you. That is one benefit. Find another.

L.

Kuljey-
Orchid is right, you don't need your WH's fog and anger in your home. In his absence, you can relax a little, you won't have to deal with his bad moods and nasty words in your face. If you're like me, you'll have more peaceful moments without him there. Of course it's not fair what he's doing to you and the children, but unfortunately you can't change him, he has to come to his realizations by himself. It will take time.

For now, continue to be the best you can be for yourself and the kids. You're all they have right now. If you can separate yourself from this drama, WH can't hurt you. You will find that thoughts of the A are out of your mind more and more, and as you get through each day you will be stronger. Try to focus on happy thoughts, maybe do something fun with the kids.
((((((Kuljey))))))

Lablady

Hi,

What Orchid said reminded me of something.

Right now he is deep in the fog.

About 8 years ago, when my H first met this OW, we were not married, we had plans to be married. We were talking about getting married in June when he brother was going to be home on leave. He wanted his brother to be his best man.

He met her in May. He says he is not sure he wants to get married. I didn't relate the two. I knew he met her, I didn't think anything of it, we after all were getting married. She was a friend of a friend. Anyway, July, he moves out. Alot of fighting going on from June to July all because of her. I found out sometime in June that they were more than just friends.

I begged, pleaded, cryed, asked how could he do this to me and the kids, left me with hardly any money. My paycheck was not enough. His mother helped me out financially until the CS came in. Yes his mother. My mother could not afford to. Anyway, after while, I stopped asking him if we could work it out, I stopped trying to get him to want to come back. About 6 months later, I started looking for my own apartment. I was living in his mothers duplex. Cheap rent, but I figured I could afford more now, I have my CS, plus daycare assistance. And it is time I moved on with my life. I cannot do that living in her home, even though she encouraged me to. H got real worried, I was moving on. He made comments all the time about me finding someone new. He even asked if he didn't have to pay CS if I married someone else. I told him, only if he gave up his parental rights. He said no way. I said keep paying. He commented that if I met and married someone, he would be raising his kids. I said yep, you are a weekend daddy. I ended that conversation with, This is the way you want it, if it wasn't you would not have left. He got very little sympathy from me.

Well, he starts asking me out, getting his mom to babysit, my sister to babysit. He starts talking about living together again. I said nope, I will not go that route again. next time I live with a man, he will be my husband.

Two years later he proposes. We got married.

Down side, we never discussed OW. I assumed she was out of the picture. I now question that it never ended. If it did, it has been on and off. I don't know which.

The point I'm making is, get on with your life. Plan A, but work on you. Don't worry about what he is doing. Oh, My H said that that he was happier too, in the beginning. Eventually, I noticed he was not looking too good. Tired all the time, and this was around the same time, he noticed I stopped asking him to work it out and come back. He tried talking me into staying at his moms and not moving into my own apartment.

I know it is hard to not worry, it gets easier with time.

I can be a nag - Did you check into legal aide, how about your county child support enforcement office. If anything, they can at least get that ball going.

My h told me he had to live with her too because he had no where else, when he could stay at his dads. He told me last night that his gf makes him happy and he has fun with her. He also said he was going to leave anyway and he said the months that he lived after we moved in August was because I forced him to. Which I know is not true because he could have left before he did.

workin on the CS issue.

this situation keeps getting worse, and i keep breaking down. my plan A has been a failure..i cant even talk to him.

i am asking for alot, my family back.

the plan A thing i am trying to do is not calling him at all. but all i do when my mind wanders is think of us/him/WH!WH is not coming back.

me and the girls are getting along ok. and a lawyer is lookin into possible custody of WHs oldest. he sees that she abandoned him.

also, i just cant get over the question WHY, why is this happening to me, us. how can this girl be so important. everytime he does something new, a new development, i break. cried and cried about this. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know, the WHY is very hard, the "What makes her so special" is hard.

We have all been there. It does get easier and eventually you stop wondering about him and her and start focusing on yourself and the kids. If you can force yourself to do this, it starts to be real after awhile.

You cannot say you Plan A was a failure.

It bugged my H that I was getting along just fine without him.

You cannot make him come back, when he is around, be civil. Don't argue, be matter of fact. If he starts in on the Divorce papers, just tell him that you are having it looked at. Tell him you will not talk to him when he is being arugmentative, but will talk to him whenhe can be civil. He is trying to control the situation.

the sadness is soooo back. wh hasnt seen the kids for almost 2 wks now. and when he saw them last was at the er when our youngest was in er. that really doesnt count and visiting. (remember he left right away, had plans w/the whore.)

it is just so amazing that he chose her over me, the kids, everything.

AND, i am shouldering the whole load. he is free as a bird. i feel like...when is he/she gonna get theirs.

kuljey:

If he's got any heart at all, any connection to his kids at all, he'll crash someday. Maybe not for a while, because this is all still so new, but he will.

But forget about him. Now is the time to cherish the times you have with your kids, including the 11-yr old. I know you're a loving mom, there's no doubt about that. Take pride in that fact and let that part of you shine! Your kids will reflect the light back at you!

Have a good weekend,
-Qfwfq

this am i talked to the girlfriend of WHs Sgt in Army Reserves. she said wh said he is not leaving ow, he doesnt care what anyone says or what happens to him. he is not leaving her.

now, i am a sad/depressed mess this am!!!he deserted me for her, deserted his kids for her, and he doesnt care who knows! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Kujey,

What is said now, has nothing to do with what is said later.

This Sgt in the Reserves is his girlfriend? Doesn't the Reserves have regulations on that? I recall from a previous post that your H's superior was not going to do anything, how about his superior?

Try not to spend time worrying about them. They have not been living together long. They need time to face reality together. He needs the reality of paying you child support.

no no no. whs, sgts, girlfriend and i are friends. she is in her fifties. his sgt/superior is this guy that i am talking about. he did talk to him/counsel him. that is when wh told the sgt that he is not going to go back home, or change anything he has done..$. etc.

from experience--ANYONE OUT THERE---what happens and when does reality happen/set in.

in the mean time..i know the best advice is to take care of me and the children. i am doing all i can do to do the best! but i am just completely sad, devastated, and it keeps coming up w/each new thing that happens. i dont call him cuz i just get aggravated and he hasnt called, so.just as well. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

this tuesday is 12 weeks that wh has been gone. i havent talked to him since last sunday..which was a blow out. he hasnt seen his kids for 2 wks, and that was at the hospital er. he has not asked to see them at all!

still hoping he is in a temporary fog. but from wht he has told everyone he wants her. and actions speak louder than words. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know 12 weeks seems like eternity.

As hard as it is, concentrate on YOU, and the girls. Concentrate on trying to make you happy, the girls happy. Take this time for you to heal.

You cannot force him out of this fog. He has to come out of it on his own.

How old is he?

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 07:56 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

my husband is 34. she is 22. he hasnt contacted the kids or asked to pick them up in forever.

i know you say to take care of myself, but it just seems to keep getting worse! this ow is SOOOO important. he dumped me, now his children. he couldnt even get his own place to visit with them.

now for easter... today we got a package IN THE MAIL like we live in another state. a card for each of the girls and two used videos. one of them we already have. he insterted in each card his business card and written on it was to call him. the youngests business card says to have mommy call me so i can talk to you. WHAT IN THE FLIPING HECK IS THAT. he lives 30 minutes from us and he cant take 1 hour to come visit them for easter and bring them their "eatter" gift. i know for sure my youngest would love to see him!!!

I know it is very hard

What you keep asking yourself is "WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT HER?". Nothing really. Right now, he has the free and single life. It gets old, espcially when reality kicks in. That will be when he has to pay YOU child support.

I try not to tell this too much, but I find it helps to show where I am coming from.

8 years ago, my H (we were not married then) met OW. Our second child was 6 months old at the time. We had plans to get married when H's brother was home on leave. We were going to get married and have son babtized. Anyway, BIL is home on leave, son is babtized, H is hesitant about getting married. I didn't relate it to her at the time. I knew he met her, I didn't know he was cheating on me at the time. I found out after BIL went back to where he was stationed.

I get a call about H and OW. I confront H. One month later H moves out to friends house. I find out OW is there almost all the time. I kept crying, begging him to come back. I filed for CS, it took the county about 3 months to get it processed. H found out how much it was, asked me to take less. I refused, told him it was the state guildelines and they were fair.

Anyway, after about 3-4 months I stopped asking him to come back. He started making comments about how I seemed to be getting along without him. Prior to this I always heard how much fun he was having and he was so happy now.

After about 6 months since he left I decided it was time I moved out. His mom owned the duplex we were living in. I felt if I was to move forward in my life, I had to move out on my own. Even though rent was cheap with MIL.

H was bothered by my moving out on my own. He commented that I was moving on. I told him, well, I asked you many times for us to get back together, and get our own place and you refused, it is time I accept that you are not coming back and I move on. Well, he started coming around more than ever. I saw him almost every day. H was in an accident, did not work, I did not get CS, had to move back to MIL. H started hinting that we get a place again. I told him, I will never live with a man again unless I am married.

2 years later, we married. Now, I know he is seeing her (again? did it ever stop? I don't know). We never resolved the issue before. Had we, would we be in this position now? I don't know.

My point is not to show that it never ends, I made mistakes when I took him back. My point is, it took more than 12 weeks for H to start seeing life was not a great party. Especially when reality like CS kept into his life. Reality that someone else could be raising his children if I met someone else. If he comes back, make sure this is resolved. Don't make my mistake and not resolve it. Because of this, I don't know if it ever ended? or if it was on again off again.

Try to concentrate on making you and the girls happy. It will come in time. Even thought I stopped asking him around 3-4 months, I was still hurting inside. That stopped somewhere around 6 months when I started to move on.

Don't obsess about the insensitive things he does. I know it hurts, but he is not thinking right now.