Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 556
R
RMW Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 556
Ugh, I just lost the reply I had written out for you. Most of the details are in the Divorcing/divorced forum under "H says put out or get out". If my head didn't hurt so bad still, I'd try to put them here for you.

I'm so glad to hear that your Christmas went the way it needed to go to help you through! hurray
I hope and pray things continue in a way that will help you make it through the rest of the holidays & throughout your healing time. Great big hugs! Take care & keep me posted smile

Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 556
R
RMW Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 556
Sure wish you had something to share CandyCrusher. I'm concerned from not hearing from you in so long. HUGS!
RMW

Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 556
R
RMW Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 556
Hi Candycrusher, I keep looking to see if you've stopped by, and wondering how you are doing. I hope things are going well for you - hoping that is the reason you haven't been back so far. HUGS!
RMW

Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Hi RMW, thank you for checking in on me and sorry for not getting back. I was not logged in for over a month, due to a combination of technical issues, extremely busy schedules at work and home, and also I did not feel like checking in to be reminded of my issues wink I am doing ok, how are YOU? Sorry, I'm asking without reading any of your updates.... Thanks for your hugs, and HUGS back to you!

Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
I feel I should give updates and openly admit I have been too weak or dumb to not follow through frown

While I was maintaining the NC and my mindset of "this is the best course of action", although it was very hard as I missed him constantly, I also had this 'if I want to, I can pick up a phone and call him - then he will come back to me happily' kind of mentality, which of course is a 180 degree opposite of the principle of NC. However that thought - kind of having a false backup plan - was giving me a sense of comfort. After I blocked him for a while, I unblocked him, in hope of hearing from him in case he sends me messages. That totally came from my weakness and low self esteem. After a month or two of breakup, he actually tried to win me back with his sweet talk and showing some commitment initially. Fast forward - we kind of saw each other on and off, meaning, when my son is not around and when our schedules worked, we met up to have lunch and/or dinner. We both have busy schedules so we did not get to see each other that much in the end.

What happened next is that - his desperation and my attractiveness created by the NC are gone because now he 'won me back', and yet now he does not live with me for free, so all the sudden he realized that it is expensive to keep 'dating' outside my house. There is no free laundry, cooking, and cleaning from me anymore. He has to clean his own house, prepares his own meals, etc. When we met outside he paid for meals most of the time. So now he did not have any benefit... He became verbally abusive towards me (also because now he could not be abusive towards my son), called me names and then in the end we had a big fight because of his name calling, I said we are done, and he told me to take my own advice.

I never had such an ugly breakup in my life. It was kind of my litmus test to see if he really cared about me - if so, even though he was no longer freeloading off of me financially and physically, he will still want to continue to see me. That did not last too long. 5 years of freeloading at my place, and he did not think it was unfair to me, and just after several 'outside' dates - probably just a handful or a few more - he decided I am too expensive to keep around and not worth of his time and money.

I am writing this because I want to be honest about my mistakes and how I did not follow your advice and how that changed things worse from bad. I knew your advice was the logical one but I was just too weak to execute it. I know that there are many who are like me and end up repeating the bad cycle due to the fear. I am hoping my recent real outcome can help give them some courage to end bad relationships before things get even worse.

At least he never saw my son ever again since our initial breakup in September (xBF wanted to start coming by my house again and offered to help with the pickups of my son from school, but I declined), and I did not tell my son I was seeing xBF, nothing has really changed for my son and I am the only one going through newly created heartache, which is the price I need to pay for my stupidity. It hurts tremendously but I need to go through this to truly understand what it means to NOT end bad relationships - tricking yourself into believing that he would change.... only prolong the pain. crazy

I want to work on myself, to raise my bar and be able to believe that I am worthy of the high bar. I have many blessings, the biggest being my son - I do realize that nothing is as important. I thank GOD that I could stop his exposure to xBF 6 months ago. I know I deserve 'I told you so', but appreciate some encouragement too.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 558
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 558
Candy_Crusher, I'm sorry to hear of the grief that xBF has put you through recently. Unfortunately, sometimes it's only the pain of experience that drives home the lessons the most. Don't beat yourself up, just dust yourself off and chalk it up to a bad decision. But you made a BETTER decision by telling him you are done with him!

Now you no longer need to second-guess your decisions of whether you should have given him another chance. You did, and he failed. He's a freeloader, and it doesn't sound like he'll ever progress beyond that. Be glad you didn't waste MORE years with him!

You're worth far more than that sorry sack of $&*(, so raise your bar high! We're praying for you!


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Wow Candy good for you for not letting him back nor to see your son! You deserve a break from this man! Sorry it was so disappointing. When I divorced I was very lonely to the point I asked my little brother and sister to come visit. But stick with us you will learn to love your own company and not settle!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Thanks abrrba for your kind words. I have been very unrealistic to believe that I could somehow walk out of the mess differently than most people. No, that's actually not an accurate statement. I KNEW it would not work out. I could not find any factors that would have supported our relationship. YET I clung onto the hopeless relationship out of fear, and chose to close my eyes. I could not bear to see the reality. That never solves any issues and in fact make them worse. I should have known that from my earlier mistakes (I saw some red flags in my xH's behaviors but chose to ignore because I was living in denial). I really need to work on learning to be TOUGH. These freeloaders can smell my insecurity and take advantage of it. Now I know why I was the only one my xBF ever dated for more than 5 years - because I am the only one who put up with him for so long! He never had any long-term relationships. That itself should have been a red flag.

Originally Posted by abrrba


You're worth far more than that sorry sack of $&*(, so raise your bar high! We're praying for you!


This made me laugh grin

Last edited by Candy_Crusher; 02/15/18 05:43 PM.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Thanks NewEveryDay. I feel like a toddler who spends enormous amount of energy just to make that one tiny step. I will keep checking in to get encouragement, wisdom and hope from you all on this forum. Gotta get up and move on. I am extremely grateful that I have a healthy son who, despite my weakness which allowed xBF to verbally abuse him for years, still loves me deeply and that we are still very close. I will not screw this up.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by Candy_Crusher
. YET I clung onto the hopeless relationship out of fear,


This is very wise of you and you certainly aren't alone. Fear never goes away but you can learn to ignore it, react with stillness and recognise it's usually telling you the opposite of truth.

As for standards you don't have to wait until you 'feel' worthy. Just implement MB standards. They are for everyone!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by Candy_Crusher
. YET I clung onto the hopeless relationship out of fear,


This is very wise of you and you certainly aren't alone. Fear never goes away but you can learn to ignore it, react with stillness and recognise it's usually telling you the opposite of truth.

As for standards you don't have to wait until you 'feel' worthy. Just implement MB standards. They are for everyone!


Thanks indiegirl. I have fear that I will never find anyone I can be attracted to and be in love with as I am getting older. It stinks to get older! Obviously there is nothing I can do about that though. I need to learn to stay still..... That's good advice that I need to recognize that the 'fear' is telling me the opposite of truth. My head and mind are not very cooperative these days though, lol.

What hurts me is also that I KNOW xBF found someone else..... his attitude has changed quite drastically towards me over the past few weeks. He mentioned this girl he met on the plane (she is married though) - and how she was giving him compliments. I had some red flag when he told me this story. Since then, I noticed that he became very short with me and cold. I was almost certain he fell in love with someone else, and once asked him "what is going on? Why do I get the feeling that you do not want to see me?", he became very defensive. That's usually a sign he (or any guy) is hiding something. It almost appeared that he instigated and made me upset by calling names so that I would break up with him. This treatment came from someone who till just a few weeks ago still talking about moving together to somewhere warmer once my son goes off to college. This sudden change - and despite he has ALWAYS told me how nice I was - in the end he spoke of me as if I was a monster.... that is still causing great pain in me.

I should not care. It does not matter. Even if none of these happened, I had been very unhappy for a long time because of how he was towards my son, towards his own family, friends, etc., and I always questioned his personality and 'taker' mentality. After we broke up in September, he has been very edgy and basically disowned all his family members, got angry and cut off communication with 3 close friends he had. Those are people who offered him free dinners, drinks, etc. every time he visited (which was often) yet he NEVER offered the same. I remember I was shocked when he told me as I loved all these people and they were extremely giving to xBF. I am very amazed to see how he can cut off people around him who mean well and DID provide so much help to him... not sure how he can translate in his head that they are a burden to him. When I asked him if he would not feel bad losing them as they have done so much to him and that he soon will be alone by cutting off everyone around him if they do not agree with him, he said "nope, I don't need them" and also said "I knew you were going to say something like that". Several weeks later, he did the same to me crazy

I need to recognize that my hurt and fear are making me believe that I have lost something big and nice.... while the truth is I always wanted to break off with him as I could not respect him as a person. I found so many journal entries I wrote, even going back 3 years ago, how I felt I should break up with him because he is a cheater (he already tried to cheat on me earlier on), user, and abusive.

Sorry for venting. Overall I am doing much better this time compared to September, but this feeling of hurt and fear come and go. It's one of those mornings.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Candy I can so relate. I live down where that school shooting was and spent 2 days now grieving and looking at the news and talking with everyone how can someone do that? Im losing sleep while that guy is probably sleeping soundly. Enough. I need to look at my next steps and focus on those. I wrote to my congressmen and signed up to donate platelets and will go to IC tomorrow. I still feel lousy but I didnt get into this mess overnight and I wont be out of it overnight either.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
New,

This week has been difficult for me in many ways, and the high school shooting was one of the heartaches. As a mother, I cannot imagine the pain and anger and all the unanswered "why?" questions that go through the parents' mind. This week I also heard about a mom who lost her teenage son. It ached my heart just hearing her story. Then I found out one of my old friends had a stroke last summer. Life is fragile and unfair for sure. But these sad events also made me realize what is really important in life for me. That is my son. I do not want to waste my energy and emotion on my xBF and let the precious time with my son slip away. It is so not worth it.

I searched but could not find your stories. Are you doing IC related to your relationship? I see that you are divorced in 2010 and have also teenage kids. Are you in a better place now?

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Ill bump my thread but I also settled and youll see some red flags that the posters warned me about but of course I thought Love conquers all.

At least Ive been here long enough to know I deserve better and not try to suffer through in this marriage the way I did with my xH.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Hi NED, I just read and responded to your bumped thread. This is discouraging...... sigh. I wanted to believe everyone on this board who have gone through a lot in the end lived 'happily ever after'. OK, reality check time..... By the way, your ex- fiance sounds a lot like my xBF. He could not live alone either. As a result, he had multiple short term girl friends - when he got kicked out, he looked for another...... he has always been a freeloader.

Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Two days in a row I had bad dreams about xBF. In one, he is already in love with a new lady (there is a good reason I believe this is true) and Im crushed. In another he was going to a party all dressed up to meet someone. It is painful. He was telling me he believes we are going to be together rest of our lives just a few weeks ago. Sigh.

Last edited by Candy_Crusher; 02/18/18 11:41 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
Are you going to actually do a true NC this time? Have you blocked all his contact information? What are you doing when you start having thoughts of him?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Good morning and Happy Monday everyone! Thanks BrainHurts. Yes I blocked his number. hurray I know I am blessed in many ways - my son, health, my career, financial position, my family, my friends, my hobbies... and I know that I should be counting my blessings. My head and heart do not sync all the time, unfortunately, and this past weekend was one of those that they were going opposite directions cry . But I will get there.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Candy_Crusher
I know I am blessed in many ways - my son, health, my career, financial position, my family, my friends, my hobbies... and I know that I should be counting my blessings.



Was counting your blessings recommended somewhere? I think what Dr. Harley usually recommends is to put something in your schedule every day that you look forward to (while making sure you've removed triggers that make you think of him).


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 120
Thanks Markos. No, I just know that I tend to focus too much on things that are not going well in my life, even though the rest of my life is just fine. Last week there have been several reminders (learning of my friend's stroke, other mom's loss of her teenage son, the shooting...). It's not something I just learned recently, I have always known this but perhaps I did not try hard enough to really instill this idea. As indiegirl said it, I have to 'learn' to ignore such negative feelings that are often triggered by my own fear.

Thanks for the tip about Dr. Harley's recommendation. I will start working on it!

Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 30 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,544
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5