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Little journal. I am feeling the power of NC. As many had advised, the longer I stay in NC, clearly the less I think of xBF and also I even began to wonder why I stayed with him for so long, after having seen so many red flags. I won't lie, there are still mornings I wake up and feel sad and down. But It's definitely not crazy 24/7 when I stayed in contact. Also I begin to see things a little more clearly - he became so mean at the end and called me names, and that truly hurt me. But the same person was telling everyone, including myself, how great and nice I was - in fact he was telling me I am too nice that other people take advantage of me. So it is crazy to get hurt by his nasty words he threw at me when I said we would break up. I did not think he abused me, but many on this board had told me he did, even though i did not feel like it. which is so true. He abused me to the point where I started to believe his anger is triggered by my son and my behaviors..... and I was giving him an excuse each time.

I just liked the idea of 'having someone around' because I felt safer, but the truth is, my son and I were not safer with xBF. He damaged our self worth and almost brainwashed me.

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OMG. What a timing. Just when I wrote the above. xBF left me a message at work asking if I had lunch already. I did not respond, then an hour later he left another message "Disregard - it was meant for someone else". Really??

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It makes me upset. Sure it's possible he truly made the mistake.... but unlikely. So he is doing this to hurt me further? Because I did not respond he got mad and needed to punish me? Can't believe I fell for such an immature man....

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How are you doing NC? Did you block his number or have an IM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I blocked him on my cell. but he has my work number and email address. We used to have lunch sometime near my work, so he contacted me at work, but I am home sick today....

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Bless you...hope you're feeling better by now. I don't know about the work number thing, but just mark anything that comes from him to your email as spam & that's directly where it will go. I've had to do that one before...it worked. I'll try to post on mine tomorrow when I'm in a safe place from h. He doesn't know that in spite of the fact that he put my phone on suspension, I can still use WiFi to reach out online 😂.

It's all a one day at a time thing. Got to go lock my phone in my trunk where h can't get at it & remove evidence of his verbal & financial abuse...the hook my keys to my jeans & tuck them in between my undies & jeans, under an oversized shirt so he can't get at anything important.
Take care...talk to you later,
RMW

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Hi RMW. Good to hear from you. I don't think I can block numbers on my work landline. I have been feeling a lot more positive though these days. Once I went through the difficult time, I realized that this is exactly why I should transform my love life. I do not want to live like this the rest of my life. I want stability. I would like someone who is mature enough to be a partner and not a freeloader. I need someone who can control his anger and be civil.

Are you in any physical danger from your H? Can you contact any local shelter?

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I was cleaning up old files, etc., and found a whole bunch of my son's letters, art work, report cards, and pictures from when he was 5 years old. 10 years ago. How time flies, and how precious these memories are! I feel so blessed to have my son. These are the moments I realize nothing else really matters. I am so happy I still have 2+ years before my son goes to college. I look forward to making more memories in the next coming years.

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I was reading NED's thread, and it dawned on me - when my xBF asked how we can 'fix' our issues after he moved out, one of the things I said to him was to apologize to my son. I knew that it would not undo what he has done to my son, nor really fix anything concrete, but hearing from xBF his sincere apologies would have at least eased some of my son's pain. He has apologized to me but never to my son. He said "too much water under the bridge", but it's not that, it's his pride that stopped him from doing so. So clearly Dr. Harley would not have seen much hope in my case either. I knew that in my head, and you all have told me so, but it's another confirmation I needed. I guess I get emotional when I feel that my decision could have been wrong and maybe xBF could have transformed into a nicer person (I know I am crazy to think that's possible). Obviously none of you have seen any hope of that happening and Dr. Harley would not have even if I had a chance to seek his advice. Thinking that I did the right thing and the situation would have never improved DOES make me feel better.

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Candy I remember the hardest part was to come to realize these things, and then stay in NC. You can do this hon!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Thanks NED, some days are harder than others.... I know I will be OK, and knowing that my son is much happier now reinforces the fact that we had very big problems before with xBF living with us.

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Just journaling.... I have been thinking a lot as to WHY I had such emotional attachment to xBF while he was verbally abusive, had a very explosive temper, mean to my son, not open to any other opinions, and just not very generous to anyone in general at all.

When I thought of the logistics - that it takes time to meet someone new, that I do have some fond memories of us and I had to toss them again and create new ones with someone else, that I do not need to 'impress' him anymore as he knows me well, that I know who he is and do not need to learn about him from scratch again... It's mostly all about my fear of ending something I was familiar with and starting something new. Sure there were some aspects that were specific to the relationship or HIM (he is a good looking guy...... I know it sounds shallow but I always liked how he looked).... but very little on the overall scale. I do not think I ever truly respected him because he was really not a nice person, and I always had the feeling that he is the happiest when he is benefiting from other people for free (including myself).

I just read what MelodyLane posted on harrypark's thread about compatibility from Dr. Harley. Wow. Almost every single item on the list for us was incompatible. We grew up very differently (cultural difference), our intelligence is different (although he is a smart guy, type of conversation he normally has with passion was always limited to certain areas, and also I did well at school while he did not), our social values and views are quite opposite, etc. Even on the energy front, he likes to stay up till late but I did not want to do so every single weekend. He drinks a lot and I do not (I am a social drinker and he drinks quite heavily - in fact, on our first date I smelled strong alcohol from him and thought he might be alcoholic and was NOT going to continue seeing him - but he kept trying and I was sucked in).

I love how Dr. Harley's approach is not just emotional or psychological but also quite scientific to the point where you can almost quantify factors that contribute to or destroy good marriage. Definitely a lot to learn, I love it!

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Do you see how lucky you are not to have married this guy?

Originally Posted by Candy_Crusher
Sure there were some aspects that were specific to the relationship or HIM (he is a good looking guy...... I know it sounds shallow but I always liked how he looked).... but very little on the overall scale.


You do know that physical attractiveness is an emotional need and that it isn't shallow at all if that is one of your needs. Have you read Dr. Harley's emotional needs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Candy I think you would like yesterday's Marriage Builders radio show on complaints in marriage and compatibility. It's on replay until noon CST today. I thought it was intersting how they talked about compatibility is built by responding to complaints.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Aww, thanks for sending the link Brain, and this made me feel so much better.... as I have been judged so to speak.... or been told being 'stupid' to care about guys' looks in the past.

Thanks for the info NED, these are blocked and can't listen to at work, is there any way I can listen to it later at home?

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Yes I have the app on my phone.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Hi, just returned from vacation with my son and saw your response NED, thanks, I will give that a try.

Some update: I met someone just recently who is almost 180 degree opposite of my xBF. They are same age, but I am amazed at how different their maturity levels are. At this point, we are not dating, we just met twice face to face, but he is very into me and wants to have a relationship with me, which is very flattering but also a bit scary. I have been thinking why I am hesitant to jump in - from what I can tell, and based on some background check I did on him - he is very kind, warm, reliable, emotionally stable, considerate, hyper intelligent, loving, caring, extremely successful, romantic to the core, and shares many similar interests with me. And... he is not a yeller! Even though that's his self claim, I do believe that based on how he speaks to people around him in general. He is humble too. I think I am scared because he seems 'too good to be true'. I was with xBF for 5 years, and maybe my normal sense has been damaged or numbed? Whatever it is, strangely, the more he tries to close this gap between the levels of our romantic feelings, the more I am missing my xBF. It is very bizarre. What's more bizarre is, that xBF has been trying to win me back - he sent roses to my house the other day. Maybe he is sensing that I am moving on and wants to get me back.

I do not wish to take him back, but I am missing him. I don't know what to do with these conflict emotions. More importantly, why do I feel so insecure about the new guy? It's not even a comparison between my xBF and him - maturity level, emotional stability, kindness, compassion, generosity, love for own family and friends, sense of responsibility, etc., etc. So why am I getting cold feet? I don't understand. He seems like a wonderful person, and that very positive trait itself is scaring me. I even told him honestly that he seems too perfect and I am a bit intimidated since there isn't much I can contribute to the equation, to which he laughed kindly and said he has many flaws.

My self worth got so low that I do not feel comfortable with 'good' guys??

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Meeting twice and expecting a relationship is too fast. I know its a pain to be out there so to speak and you want that stability already but if youre meant to be then take your time and keep dating others so you have a better point of comparison than xbf. Anyone would look good right away next to him.

Let your self worth get back to normal. You know how we are, your feelings will come to early not too late.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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So I need others' inputs on this guy. He is 180 degree different from my xBF from the emotional stability and maturity standpoints. He is not a yeller and just does not have AO. He is always positive. He is extremely successful - frankly, I am sure many women would throw themselves at him simply based on his enormous earnings power, but on top of it, he is a nice guy. Really nice guy.

Here is my struggle, however. He calls and texts me ALL THE TIME. Initially I thought it was nice, but it is getting too much. He wants to hear my voice, ok, so I call him, but it is never a 5 minute call. He likes to talk. He talks about anything and everything - which is fine when we have a plenty of time, say on weekends or at night. But he won't stop unless I tell him I need to go. And if I say I need to go take care of XYZ, he would say "OK, call me when you are done" or "I will call you later". If we talk again on the phone, it becomes another long chat and it is hard for me to get out. For example, he just left for vacation this afternoon with his daughter. I woke up this morning to 10 text messages from him. Then he called me (I was in a meeting and missed it). I texted him back wishing him a safe and fun trip - told him that I was in a meeting and would be in another so would not be able to talk. He texted me back, and then called me on my cell again, which again I could not take because I was in another meeting. He then called my office phone. Then he left me another text. I replied by text. Then he called me again an hour later.... It just never ends!

Sometimes I want to say these phone calls and textings are too much for me, at least for now given where we are (as far as I am concerned, we are not BF/GF yet and he shares the same view but he has been asking me to be his GF). But I am afraid I will hurt his feelings. He constantly asks me if "I think of him before going to bed and when I wake up", which I do not..... yet..... but I cannot say so. He says he feels the 'magic' about 'us' and that he is 'certain' that is how I feel too. He also wants to see me A LOT. Even when I say I am busy in the evening after work, he would say he would drive for 1+ hour just to have a cup of coffee with me. I told him to not do that, and he sounded very disappointed.

Only if he backs off a bit.... I can see myself falling in love with him. He has all the traits I love and respect.... except for his neediness. Am I wrong how I view this? Can we still apply Dr. Harley's principle? Am I just getting cold feet, or are there actually any red flags? I am so confused.

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