He is trying check list or at least his version
lets see how long it last

Ah gotcha.

Hi
Mervyn's version of check list yesterday started well we had a lovely warm and loving morning full of promises,
my husband working mostly on the phone and some private he say who was phoning ,later i was going to use his cell phone
often do as he has more ir time than i do on his e-mails is one from lady he was drinking with no problem other people were
also cc in but he hasn't said anything and i was right lying next to him and i could see e-mails were read.
So i asked have you read tour e-mails NO he answers one look of my face told him he had been caught out in a lie and he tried another to get
out of it'i asked if you are lying about the small stuff for no reason what are you going to do about big stuff
Amazing i didn't get angry just walked away,what do i do about this man

So the email was from drink-lady to a bunch of people including your husband?


What kind of group is this and what was the email about?

I think the first thing I would do is have your husband change his email and ask that he PoJA who gets his email address before he gives it out. It should be hardly anyone. Your husband is a serial cheat who shouldn't be swapping social emails with random people.

But this isn't 'the small stuff'. This is really important. If Mervyn cannot (or will not) tell you the truth, you cannot save this marriage.

Anyone can be nice for a while. It takes real effort to break a lifetime of dishonesty.

What do you do? You draw your line in the sand. Tell him exactly what you want from him. Then a single infraction and he packs his bag.

Has he completed the checklist? I am getting the sense that you don't take this very seriously and since that is the case, he won't ever take it seriously. You seem to be sitting by waiting for him to do something and you should be demanding that he affair proof your marriage now. If you won't do these things, I don't see any hope here.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Walking away does not solve anything. Instead he should delete that email account and start up a new one that is never given out to females. You should have all the passwords to his new email account.

I also find it really interesting that he isn't updating his thread with items checked off or asking us whether he has done the checklist correctly.

You are asking if he's doing enough. He's not.

If he had, we could have guided him in a way that prevented this kind of obviously offensive behaviour before it even happened.

Instead, he waits until something blows up in his face and runs back to his habits of lying.

I'm not comfortable with his efforts until I y'know, see some.

If it's going to be his version, there's no sense giving it any time to see how long it will last, because if he does his own checklist, it won't work.

I agree. If he won't do the list that was given to him, there's no point. You would be better off separating now and having nothing to do with your husband until he commits to this program.

Otherwise you are just signing yourself up for more misery and pain.

Why are you allowing him to create �his version� of the checklist? What did he change in the list? The checklist of EP�s was created by Dr Harley, an expert in the field of recovering from adultery and affair proofing a marriage. Do you think your WH knows better how to affair proof a marriage than Dr Harley? We would never recommend letting a wayward create his own conditions of recovery, obviously he is going to leave himself holes in the plan with which he can continue to do shady things.

The bottom line is, you are allowing your WH to control recovery. Or, you are just trying to sweep this all under the rug. Either one of these approaches WON�T WORK. It didn�t work when you dealt with this years ago and it won�t work now. I guess the question is, how badly do you want to change this? If you do want to change it, but not enough to draw a firm line in the sand and leave the marriage if necessary, then your WH has no motivation to stop doing what he�s doing. As you�ve been told, if you aren�t serious than he won�t be. If you absolutely 100% want to end this way of life where you are dealing with a serial cheater, then you need to follow Dr Harley�s proven methods.

HI
Many thanks i agreed with all you guys said and Mervyn is also reading and he must either shape up or ship out

What is he doing to �shape up�?

Hi
Taking the checklist more seriously finally
please does the pain of betrayal ever lessen i can't remember the last time i looked forward to daybreak
and awoke happy
You guys have given me strength when i truly felt worthless many many thanks

The pain will lessen IF - and only IF - he affair proofs his marriage. What is he doing on the checklist? What has changed here? Is he still going out to bars? Is he still going out without you? Has he changed all his contact information? Do you have full access to his phone, email, etc?

I know you've said he's reading but I am still not wearing my impressed face. He should be on his thread, listing what he's done and anxiously asking if it's enough. If not from us, then from the Harleys themselves.

It's like he doesn't know his marriage is hanging by a thread!

He knows he's within spitting distance of 'bags packed and waiting for you in the hallway' right?

Hi
My husband is trying to login to his profile but not having any success.
if anyone can help him please advise.
The profile number is 76520
Many Thanks

He needs to go to the blue bar at the top of the forums and click on 'log in'

He should see two spaces: username and password.

In username he should put: mervynl1

And then whatever his password is next to password.

If he has forgotten it, there is a link to click for forgotten passwords.

Hi
Terrible day my husband doesn't seem understand the depth of his betrayal,tells me all these woman meant nothing
Tells me i didn't love my sister so it's not a problem if he had sex with her he also said that about middle sister when he was flirted with her
What respect is he showing to me or either of the women,said 1st affair also meant nothing but lied about length of it until caught after 40 years
and now tell me to get over it as it was a long time ago,it is so very sad he still has no respect for me or them
I loved my sister very very much and her betrayal was a double blow. she was a very young girl almost 18years and i think
he should of protected both of us.
After all this in the early years of our marriage now in our 48th year things have not got any better no respect and not much honesty
I have told him he has made me feel worthless and of no value as he is always on the look out to flirt.and twist things i say to blame me