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mervyn's wife #3006091 09/15/18 09:30 PM
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Hi
It was me who brought up affairs, i still can not get over how long he lied to me about 1st affair i thought we had worked threw it only to be living it all over again
I think he only stayed because the lady went back to her husband,and he has been angry with me all thee years if he had been honest he could maybe have had
the live he wanted or needed instead we have both suffer from a unhealthy relationship lasting almost 50years and i feel i have paid dearly for it
We can not save this marriage if there is no honestly every day there is a new truth, he thinks no one new about his affair at the office even when they left the office
together traveled in same car, why could i not see or feel he was been unfaithful for all those years

mervyn's wife #3006098 09/16/18 06:38 AM
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Hi Mrs M,

You're not going to feel safe overnight obviously. You have x years experience of him being untrustworthy compared to x days of him affair proofing your marriage.

What is triggering you and setting you off? Is he doing anything concerning? Think what is prompting you to have these discussions. So long as his behaviour is trustworthy in the present try to avoid dragging your husband back into the past. His former mindset will reappear whenever you do this.

Vent HERE on your thread. If you vent to your husband it will not lead anywhere good.

Some things to consider:

Are you still living in the same house you suffered the affairs in? This can be a trigger for some betrayed spouses. Other triggers can be cars, objects, contact with certain friends, groups and circles. It's a trauma that can hit you just hearing certain songs etc.

Does Mervyn understand that recovery will be a few years and he has to follow the entire program to make an incredibly romantic marriage with you? The checklist is just basic safety. When you two learn the full on concepts it will be more adequate compensation for you. (If you want to check his understanding anything, check about the present and future).

Last edited by indiegirl; 09/16/18 06:39 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

mervynl1 #3006099 09/16/18 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by mervynl1
every day there is a new truth,


What new truth?

You should know everything now?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

mervynl1 #3006100 09/16/18 09:21 AM
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MrsMervyn, if you want to recover your marriage and heal you need to stop bringing this up. Every time you speak about it, you bring the unpleasantness of the past into the present. Don't bring it up anymore! Focus on making your marriage great today. Focus on making sure he NEVER has the opportunity to have another affair now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


indiegirl #3006102 09/16/18 09:32 AM
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Thank you for your reply,no we are not in the same house but as you say it is small memories that trigger of saddest,special times family times
I'm angry at the amount of time we have wasted in lie deceit which i thought was behind us when i was 1st told the affair was only a couple of months
I was taken to office functions were his girlfriend was also present almost like i was they were making fun of me as her friend thought i was going to be
the x wife judging from a letter received from either her or a friend they make me feel as if i have no value as a woman wife i have been so heartbroken he could
look at me and lie for years
My husband will tell me these ladies meant nothing and i should get over it as it was a long time go yes but the lie went on for 40years until he got caught out
i cried for days how could he have let it go on for years we have a very (i thought good intimate life together and planned a baby during this time) and if he had
learn from him mistakes and been more involved in the marriage and would not be so angry,i get really cross and hurt when he says these ladies meant nothing
how can you have sex with women you feel like that about ,my youngest sister and i we very close before the affair i was in our home while it was happening also
two small children i cooked for them cleaned for them loves then the betrayal was and is unbearable my husband doesn't understand the depth of his lies betrayal
and it hurts me when he hurts my sister using her she was very young we were suppose to be her guardian
When i try to talk to him he throws his arms up and says get over it
How do you get over being heartbroken,i know he is trying but i sometime look at him and get angry just looking
Thanks again for all your positive feedback

MelodyLane #3006103 09/16/18 09:35 AM
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Thank you i am working very very hard at not bring subject up,

mervyn's wife #3006105 09/16/18 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by mervyn's wife
Thank you for your reply,no we are not in the same house but as you say it is small memories that trigger of saddest,special times family times


You don't live together? I don't understand.

Quote
I'm angry at the amount of time we have wasted in lie deceit which i thought was behind us when i was 1st told the affair was only a couple of months
I was taken to office functions were his girlfriend was also present almost like i was they were making fun of me as her friend thought i was going to be
the x wife judging from a letter received from either her or a friend they make me feel as if i have no value as a woman wife i have been so heartbroken he could
look at me and lie for years
My husband will tell me these ladies meant nothing and i should get over it as it was a long time go yes but the lie went on for 40years until he got caught out
i cried for days how could he have let it go on for years we have a very (i thought good intimate life together and planned a baby during this time) and if he had
learn from him mistakes and been more involved in the marriage and would not be so angry,i get really cross and hurt when he says these ladies meant nothing
how can you have sex with women you feel like that about ,my youngest sister and i we very close before the affair i was in our home while it was happening also
two small children i cooked for them cleaned for them loves then the betrayal was and is unbearable my husband doesn't understand the depth of his lies betrayal
and it hurts me when he hurts my sister using her she was very young we were suppose to be her guardian
When i try to talk to him he throws his arms up and says get over it
How do you get over being heartbroken,i know he is trying but i sometime look at him and get angry just looking
Thanks again for all your positive feedback



STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. Start going out on dates with him and focus on having a happy, fun evening.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #3006107 09/16/18 12:38 PM
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Hi have arrange dates he forgot 2 of them guess my reaction have had a very romantic day as i have told hubby
he has to start dating again thank you never to old to date

MelodyLane #3006108 09/16/18 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You don't live together? I don't understand.

Indie asked whether they live in the same house as the one where the affairs took place. mervyn's wife answered that they don't.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
mervyn's wife #3006109 09/16/18 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by mervyn's wife

I was taken to office functions were his girlfriend was also present almost like i was they were making fun of me as her friend thought i was going to be
the x wife



Mrs M, hang out here a while and you will see how typical this is. This sick triple date thing where he has us both in the same room happened to me too. It happens to everyone. The mistress believing she's worth more than she is, is also typical. We even see the affair partner giving marital ADVICE to the wife or husband like they know anything about smart life choices. Like their behaviour is more than a cockroach snacking on crumbs. The delusions happen in most cases. What you say is not surprising.

Every wayward does this stuff. It's a symptom of the mindset, when the affair is active. When the affair behaviour stops, the mindset stops.

It's like a type of drunkenness. The conscience is turned off, they are whacked out on stress and brain chemicals. They have memory problems a LOT.

Dr Harley calls it the fog.

You're asking him if he understands his behaviour; he probably doesn't even remember it!

Don't focus on the drunkeness, focus on the sobriety.

What kind of marriage do you dream about?

Last edited by indiegirl; 09/16/18 03:32 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #3006112 09/16/18 11:42 PM
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morin
New truth today ladies friend left work after she and husband got back together a couple of years later came back to the firm
can't remember if they had any contact if so what says my husband he will think about and get back to me
Then we have a lady he secretly give a lift to work nothing happen says my truthful husband i told him only because he lady didn't or wouldn't let him
now i find out instead of waiting for this woman in the car he was inside her house she wad a divorced
When i eventually found out about giving this woman a lift i ask him why as i was catching public transport and he could have taken both us to work
I have this this man please get all this rubbish out in the open and decide if you want to be here i am like a caged animal he feeds as much as he thinks
i need i'm i ever going to get the truth and get over these years if heartache
I have tried often please been honest give us a chance please truth yhen i will get and bit of his truth and can't start again and again ever time he tell another
piece of the story i'm so scared to give this man another chance i don't know wht is coming next these last few months have been unbearable my health and mental.
state have taken a knock just getting were i was hoping to start relaxing and today new truth
My husband says i'm over reacting please help

mervyn's wife #3006113 09/17/18 01:44 AM
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OK this is a segment of the checklist left undone (reveal all information) and it looks like with so much back story you have a lot of years to sift through and you're doing it because you don't think you have everything.

You can't get it through interrogation though.

Look for polygraphers in your area. You need him to pass a lie detector test as to any other affairs or factors which made the affairs possible.

Originally Posted by mervyn's wife

My husband says i'm over reacting please help


That is a stunning lack of remorse.

What's his reaction been to the exposure of his affairs? Do the people you've told support you?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #3006114 09/17/18 09:36 AM
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Hi thank you for feedback your help is very much appreciated
This morning started well no interrogation one question did you strike up a friendship with your girlfriend when she came back to the company
the way he answered i new he was lying so i said think about it and tell me what you remember please please tell the truth and lets get over all this
i then asked did you ever go into the lady you were giving a lift to house yes he says also 40years after telling me no way,this afternoon he says
i didn,t go in only to her hallway i say she open the door and you went in i would yes but i would not have done anything her kids were there oh our daughter
was in the bedroom you had sex with my sister (not in the same bed) i would not touch her he then says you know how she dress like a prostitute so she got into
the front seat of his car dress like that while i got public transport and when i found out i asked him to stop giving her a lift and phone her when he refused he phone her back and said lifts would continue,he said his boss told him he had to i says what about the other guys in the dept you can take turns and why could i not have been told and also offer a lift to work no reason given
It never ends the lying all i am asking for years and even up to last 3 month the truth problem he believes his own lies and is shocked that i don't because he has been
caught out in so many

mervyn's wife #3006115 09/17/18 10:46 AM
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Are you reading our posts? Did you see the posts saying you need to stop talking about it? If you want to save your marriage, this has to stop. I can fully understand if you decide to get a divorce, but your marriage will not make it unless you stop this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


mervyn's wife #3006116 09/17/18 10:53 AM
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This is not something you can just raise as a general set of questions in the morning or whenever it occurs to you. Of course he's going to lie to you; he's wayward.

If you spend 40 years asking a wayward questions about the affair, you're going to get 40 years of lies. That is stressful for you both!

You said it yourself; you can't have a new truth every day. Hold his feet to the fire and get it all out in one fell swoop. After you have verified it with a polygraph, you NEVER raise it again.

One list of questions on one evening of truth telling. One and done.

This is what is typically advised in your situation where you feel stuff is still being hidden:

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
An effective tool in getting all the truth is to set up an appointment with polygraph tester and tell your WS a day or two beforehand. Hand him/her a list of questions and give him an opportunity to come clean before the test. [don't give into the temptation to cancel the test, though! many waywards will trickle just enough truth in the hopes of getting you to cancel it]

Here is a registry of polygraph testers nationwide who are licensed members of the American Polygraph Testers:

Membership Directory

Dr. Harley's radio clip about polygraph testing


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #3006117 09/17/18 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by indiegirl
.

What's his reaction been to the exposure of his affairs? Do the people you've told support you?


Could you answer this?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #3006119 09/17/18 11:16 AM
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I don't agree she needs to ask him to take a polygraph. She is just asking for more details about what she already knew and rehashing old events. Now is the time to put it to bed and focus on making her marriage great today. Every time she susses out a new nuance, it puts her back to day 1 of recovery and just increases her resentment. The sooner this conversation ends, the sooner her resentment goes away.

This is a difficult situation as it is since he is a long time serial cheater. All of their focus needs to be on a) affair proofing the marriage and b) creating a great marriage today.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #3006120 09/17/18 11:26 AM
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Yeah that's an important clarification; I had read her post as 'This is a new affair partner he still hasnt told me about' as opposed to 'Let me have the blow by blow about the affair with coworker'

Originally Posted by mervyn's wife
Then we have a lady he secretly give a lift to work nothing happen says my truthful husband i told him only because he lady didn't or wouldn't let him


I may be misreading


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #3006122 09/17/18 11:39 AM
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Yes, I did read that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


indiegirl #3006123 09/17/18 12:01 PM
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Yes you are right another woman another lie
sometime he is very remorseful, sometime i will hear a song or think of something i thought was our special time and then i think of all his lies
up to last week he is still lying this time about stupid needless things, that don't warrant lying about,will i ever trust him again
i have tried to explain i'm trying to work will him and then he will lie and think there is no consequences we both have to work together
i agree with all of you about questions i'm working hard, sometimes its all so painful i'm in tears i need to feel secure enough to keep the marriage and have been
for 48 years and what did i get more heartache i'm so scare we have great days and i try to explain this is the marriage i thought we had and is what i want and need
and then he will do something and we go back to the start
He swears he loves me and wants to stays in the marriage then will do and say the most cruel things and can't tell me why
thanks guys no more questions

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