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Originally Posted By: Sheepdog
I guess that melodylane is right and she is getting her emotional needs met by her friend and not me. so how do i tell her to stop seeing her best friend? she needs someone other than me to talk to right now.


You don't understand. She is having an affair. The affair needs to be uncovered. Don't tell her anything. Start snooping.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Sheepdog
so do i tell her to limit the time she is spending and texting her friend


NO. Don't say anything. Snoop on her. Her "friend" is not the problem. The problem is the affair she is having with a man.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Sheepdog
Her phone has a lock on it and no im not going to look at it i dont care what it says i feel it still dishonst and untrusting


That is pure silliness. Are the cops "dishonest" when they catch drug dealers? Are they "untrusting" when they spy on lawbreakers? Of coures not. Your views about "honesty" are illthought and are going to lead to the destruction of your marriage if you don't wake up.

It is "dishonest" and "untrusting" to lie and commit adultery; it is not dishonest and untrusting to CATCH someone doing those things.

Your wife is hiding something from you so it would be foolish and against your best interest to "trust' an untrustworthy person.


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i dont believe that she even realizes that she is getting her emotionals needs met from her friend. so somehow i either have to tell her thats what is going on or somehow get her to realize it for herself she is just confused what is going on



That is nonsense and I regret that anyone told you that. She is having an affair and she knows that. That is why she has a lock on her phone. She is hiding it from you. Poeple who have nothing to hide don't hide.

No one has the right to the privacy to destroy her spouse behind her back. You have a right to know everything she does since everything she does affects you.

You need to buck up here and start taking steps to save your marriage or you are going to end up divorced.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Sheepdog
we live a small town and my wife and i are very know if she was out with another man i would know my friends and family would know as well


You have no idea what she is doing becuase you are in denial, Sir. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Taking some time off.
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: Sheepdog
Her phone has a lock on it and no im not going to look at it i dont care what it says i feel it still dishonst and untrusting


That is pure silliness. Are the cops "dishonest" when they catch drug dealers? Are they "untrusting" when they spy on lawbreakers? Of coures not. Your views about "honesty" are illthought and are going to lead to the destruction of your marriage if you don't wake up.

It is "dishonest" and "untrusting" to lie and commit adultery; it is not dishonest and untrusting to CATCH someone doing those things.

Your wife is hiding something from you so it would be foolish and against your best interest to "trust' an untrustworthy person.
Is it an invasion of privacy when a lifeguard watches you while you swim? Should a lifeguard ignore you just because you would rather be left to your own devices?

You and your wife are each other's lifeguards in your marriage. You are supposed to watch out for one another. There is nothing noble about neglecting to do this. It is just simple neglect. You can try to wrap it up as "trust and honesty", but it really is a demonstration of your lack of care. Wake up. There is nothing dishonest about doing your job as a husband, and part of that job is not facilitating the formation of a secret second lives in your marriage.

Stop looking the other way just because your wife wants to swim in privacy. Do your job as her lifeguard.


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#3008996 07/28/19 06:34 PM
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Hello My wife and I have been together for 20yrs married for 16. I found out 3 weeks that she was cheating on me for the 2nd time. The first time was 6yr ago. Things seemed to
Be Going good I was finally over the first affair. She said that she doesn’t know why she did it and thinks she will do it again. That she let other guys get too close. I don’t know what to think we are going to separate and most likely divorce. However I love her so incredibly much that I think we will regret getting divorced. She says she loves me but not in love. We like the same things and have a great friendship. She also said that she has been just making me happy and knows we well enough that when things start to go bad she plays the part to keep me happy. But is done with that and can’t keep hurting me. I’m I crazy to think this could be saved or do I suck it up and move on even if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

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Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is the OM (other man)? Is he married?

Do you have children? If so, what are their ages?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

The reason why your WW (wayward wife) had an affair is because she doesn’t have boundaries around men. Read up on exposure from this website.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Read Start Here.

Read the exposure thread.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Sheepdog... buddy. Brother.

Consider her words; this is her second affair, she says she "doesn't know why," says she's going to do it again.... and then tells you why; "She lets guys get too close."

She's fishing for it.

So - could you salvage this?

Sure, but it is going to be a hard road. You would have to build a fully integrated life where she is fully transparent and all of her time and whereabouts are accounted for, at all times.

If she, or you, are unwilling to do this, you might as well cut your losses and bail.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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We have two boys 11 and 14. We had a long talk last night and i told if we are to try to fix this she would have to limit her relationship with other men. She works in law enforcement and is around men all the time. I also work in law enforcement just for a different agency. She feels that would be too controlling of me. We have been down this road when we first got married. she told me that i was being jealous. in our talk last night she said that she were to limit her relationship with other men she would feel resentment toward me and that would be worse. I think she is too far gone that i need to cut my losses even thou it really sucks.

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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
Hello My wife and I have been together for 20yrs married for 16. I found out 3 weeks that she was cheating on me for the 2nd time. The first time was 6yr ago. Things seemed to
Be Going good I was finally over the first affair.


When you were here 6 years ago you SWORE up and down she was not having an affair and insisted to me that it was "dishonest" to spy on her. So how did you finally discover the truth? Here is your old thread: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2801384/2.html


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
We have two boys 11 and 14. We had a long talk last night and i told if we are to try to fix this she would have to limit her relationship with other men. She works in law enforcement and is around men all the time. I also work in law enforcement just for a different agency. She feels that would be too controlling of me. We have been down this road when we first got married. she told me that i was being jealous. in our talk last night she said that she were to limit her relationship with other men she would feel resentment toward me and that would be worse. I think she is too far gone that i need to cut my losses even thou it really sucks.


She is not going to give up this lifestyle so I agree it is a good idea to get divorced. Someone who does this twice is not doing it by accident. She is out looking for action. Unless she is willing to quit her job and find an affair proofed occupation, you will be dealing with this forever. But, she won't do that.

I would add that since you were in denial of the last affair, no steps were ever taken to change her behavior. So here you are again. This is the natural outcome of not taking any steps to affair proof or recover your marriage after an affair. Marriages do not recover by sweeping the problems under the rug.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Threads have been merged.


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i finally listened to you all here and did some checking and you were all right.

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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
i finally listened to you all here and did some checking and you were all right.


How many affairs do you think she has had?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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After our conversation last night i know it was only the two but they we're months long not just one night things. And we did do a lot of work on our marriage over the last few years. I should have read the his needs her needs. instead we went to a marriage counseling but i don't think they covered the correct things. Again i felt like things were going good again was starting to trust again.Then she started to act distance the same way she acted before. so i check her phone and confronted her on it. I'm going to read this book his needs her needs. Their must be something i'm doing wrong to create the situation even if this marriage is done i don't want to do this same thing in a future relationship

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You need to read Surviving an Affair.

Who are the OM? Are they married? Have you told your children?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
After our conversation last night i know it was only the two but they we're months long not just one night things. And we did do a lot of work on our marriage over the last few years. I should have read the his needs her needs. instead we went to a marriage counseling but i don't think they covered the correct things. Again i felt like things were going good again was starting to trust again.Then she started to act distance the same way she acted before. so i check her phone and confronted her on it. I'm going to read this book his needs her needs. Their must be something i'm doing wrong to create the situation even if this marriage is done i don't want to do this same thing in a future relationship


What you did wrong was a) trust too much and b) not create an affair proofed marriage. It is too much trust that creates the environment that allows affairs to happen. So here you are again. Your marriage never recovered from the last affair because your wife never changed the CAUSE, which is loose boundaries with men. With someone who has multiple affairs [very rare] it is usually caused because the person is actively looking for action. There is nothing you could have ever done to prevent that.

His Needs, Her Needs will teach you how to create an affair proofed marriage. So will the book Surviving an Affair.

I would also suggest that you expose her affair. Everyone should know about it. Otherwise, she will lie about the breakup and blame you. Exposure makes it much more likely that her affair will die off. And I would certainly expose at her workplace if that is where she is having her affairs. They need to know she is a loose cannon.

Is the OM married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
After our conversation last night i know it was only the two but they we're months long not just one night things.


So you have no idea if she had other affairs. Do you suspect she did? Obviously you can't take the word of a practiced liar and cheater.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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