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At this point I it really doesn't matter. I can't expose her to the world because we live in a small town and i have to do what is best for my boys. if your not from a small town you wouldn't understand. Small towns suck and are very judgmental. We have not told them yet but will soon that we will be getting divorced. This doesn't need to Ugly i'm better than that.

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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
At this point I it really doesn't matter. I can't expose her to the world because we live in a small town and i have to do what is best for my boys. if your not from a small town you wouldn't understand. Small towns suck and are very judgmental. We have not told them yet but will soon that we will be getting divorced. This doesn't need to Ugly i'm better than that.


There is nothing virtuous about hiding an affair. That is taking the low road. The affair should not be exposed to the "town" but to your children, family, friends and her workplace. I am from a small town and it is not the "best thing" for your boys to hide this affair. That is in her best interest and especially the best interest of your children. It might very well wreck her affair which is a good thing because you don't want to be dealing with a wayward spouse in a divorce.

You don't do your wife or your children any favors by covering up her affairs. Don't be an enabler. Your kids have a right to know the truth. Haven't you caused enough damage with your years of enabling?

Don't take the low road, friend.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Is her boyfriend married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sheepdog, just to add to what Mel has written. Your children already know about the affair. There are never secrets from children because they are hardwired to know everything about the two people (their parents) that matter most to them. If you do not talk to them and tell them what is going on you are teaching them that you are ok with their mother's behaviour. If you and your wife get divorced, she will be able to spin out a story that she was forced to leave because of what you did. They will take that lesson into their own adult lives.

My serial adulterer ex-husband had a serial adulterer father. Nobody said anything so he grew up thinking that was normal behaviour. My mother-in-law could have alerted me but she did not for which I will never forgive her.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Sheepdog, I am from a small town and based on that I am guessing a lot of people already know about her affairs (2 that you know of). Even as a young person I remember hearing the gossip of who did what with who, everybody knew everything and that which they didn’t know they speculated. At least you exposing gets the truth out vs gossip and speculation.

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After we expose this is there anyway to repair it or is it to far gone? I know her father had more that one affair and her Mother just swept it under the rug and they stayed together but are not happy. I know its crazy to think I love her so much i'm afraid that i will never find happiness again. I'll willing to do what work needs to be done just not sure she is.

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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
After we expose this is there anyway to repair it or is it to far gone?


Almost every recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. Exposure is therapeutic. That being said, I think this is too far gone because your wife is a serial cheater who has been enabled for many years. I don't expect exposure to save your marriage because this is too entrenched. The recommendation of exposure in your case is intended to get the truth out because secrecy only serves to enable your wife's destructive tendencies.

Is her boyfriend married?

Quote
I know its crazy to think I love her so much i'm afraid that i will never find happiness again.


Well, i have not observed that you are happy at all in this marriage. We have many men who have ended such marriages who are now happily and blissfully re-married. You can never have that as long as you stay in a marriage with a serial cheater.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Was her last affair [that you know about] with a married man? If so, does his wife know what your wife did?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No he is not Married

Is there a book or help on what to do after divorce and how to repair myself from being so hurt. Get myself self esteem back. I know i'm attractive i get hit on all the time and women telling me they wish i wasn't married but really don't feel like it.

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Originally Posted by Sheepdog
No he is not Married


What about her current adultery partner? Is he married?

Quote
Is there a book or help on what to do after divorce and how to repair myself from being so hurt. Get myself self esteem back. I know i'm attractive i get hit on all the time and women telling me they wish i wasn't married but really don't feel like it.


I am not sure about that. We do have a forum for divorced people and I am sure you could get lots of suggestions there. [once your marriage is over]


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The first affair the guy was married and yes the wife did find out the whole world found out. The 2nd no the guy is not married. In my state it take a min of 6 months to get divorced with kid. That a long time i'll making a post in that forum.

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Formatting is broken, links are missing, but here is 50 forum pages focusing on self-recovery;

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2719499/1.html


Don't roll over just because you are getting divorced. Do not hide the fact that you are divorcing because of your wife's infidelity.

You owe more than that to your sons.

Do not teach them to tolerate betrayal trauma as a "normal thing."

I wish my father would have. I wish my brother would have.

My daughters know better.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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