This Is my 1st post to the forum. So, about a month ago, I got home around noon, my wife was sitting on the back porch and something just didn't feel right. I asked her what was wrong, said she was just thinking, I asked about what and this is where everything gets a bit fuzzy. She said ILYBINILWY. Said that shes probably felt this way for 3 years but just recently had time to think about things when she went with her girlfriend and girlfriends 2 daughters two weeks earlier on a camping/kayaking weekend and had hours to think while floating down the river. I don't remember everything that was said that day but I cried, said we could fix this, even offer to find a marriage counselor but she said she wouldn't do more than a visit or 2. She went on to say she was done and couldn't do this anymore but she had nowhere to go. She ended up going to her friends house that night so I could think about things and came home Sunday night after she knew I was already asleep.

Since then, she's been home about 2 days a week, spending Wednesday through Sunday evenings with her friends. The first 2 days after she broke the news to me, we only said maybe 10 words between us and she was spending the evening hours in another room avoiding me. She's sleeping in the spare room, I have the MBR. The last few weeks, things have gotten progressively more "normal" around the house, good conversations, eating dinner together, hanging out on the back porch and shopping, although she still in the other room and only home 2-3 days a week. Almost feels like we're just friends though. There's like no emotional connection there.

I haven't brought up anything about the day she broke the news to me or anything about our relationship. Just going day by day being almost like a friend.

Guess I should give some of our past. Will be M for 24 years this September, D21, S18. One of her complaints is we never did anything together including anything significant for our anniversaries, just dinners. We did stuff early on, just the 2 of us, but as the years went on, everything we did included the kids. Four years ago (around or 20th anniversary) she had a voucher for a hotel on the lake, I shot it down because of bad reviews and never booked anything else. She even talked to my daughter at the time about how much she wants a vacation with me, my daughter even offered to pay for it but I declined. She said this is about the time she started falling out of love. The last several months I knew something wasn't right but didn't do anything about it. Also, I should note that we didn't take a honeymoon when we got married and I never planned the makeup honeymoon that I promised her. We've never really done much for our anniversaries except dinner and maybe a movie. Earlier on in the marriage until about 10 years ago, we did things together but not as much as we should have. About 10 years ago, we made a move that took us away from family when the kids were around 7 and 11 and from that point on, we haven't had any getaways just for us and only have the rare dinner together at a restaurant or maybe going on a hike or walk.

Besides not doing much together, our sex life has been pretty bad over the past several years. Maybe once every couple weeks. Sometimes she would want to but I wouldn't be in the mood or too tired. Many times I would have trouble maintaining an erection. She tried to get me to see a doctor but I would just blow it off. I'm sure this is all due to my excessive porn viewing, maybe addiction, which I've never told her about. I'm working on that now. But I'm sure this is what led to all the troubles with intimacy and our emotional disconnection.

So, where I'm at now, we're like friends, talking and hanging out around the house. No physical contact except for a single shoulder massage I gave her. No relationship talk. I'm not sure where her head is with what's going on. I want to talk relationship and talk to her about working on what we can do to start moving in the right direction but not sure if she's ready or not or if it will ever be a possibility.

Forgot to mention, there's been no mention of the D or separation.

As far as an affair, I've looked at her call/text records and researched the numbers and nothing suspicious. I know the time away from home is a big indicator as well as the ILYB, but I just don't know.

I still love her very much and hoping she'll come around to working on things. I know I had a big hand in the demise of the marriage and our relationship. This has been a wakeup call for me for all the neglect and lack of intimacy between us that caused her to fall out of love. Hind sight being 20/20, I see now everywhere things were going wrong over the past several years. Things she had said, I heard, but just wasn't really listening. Her main contribution was that she's never been one to bring up issues and talk about things.

So do I just stay the coarse, keep up the friendly conversation and living in separate room and wait for her to want to talk?

Should I let her know that when she's ready to talk, I'm always open to it and leave it at that, not being it up again unless she does.?

What's driving me crazy is not knowing what she's thinking, what her plans are , if she has any.

I know this can sometimes be a long process and I can't change the way she feels. I just want to be sure I'm handling things right or if there's anything I'm missing.

Hi SadandConfused, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I am sad to have to tell you your wife is having an affair. ILYBINILWY means she has a new point of comparison. She has rewritten the history of your marriage because she has a new point of comparison.

The next steps are to quietly snoop and get the evidence. Whatever you do, don't ASK HER or even let on that you know. Just quietly get the evidence and come back here. We will help you use the evidence to a) bust up the affair and b) save your marriage.


The red flags are MASSIVE here. From her ILYBINILWY to the nights away from home. She is likely staying with her affair partner. Can you hire a PI? If not you need to put a GPS on her car, a voice activated recorder under seat and perhaps a VAR in your home if you think she calls him from there.


Talk won't help you too much but you should focus on eliminating any lovebusters and presenting yourself in the best light. And I would not pursue marriage counseling unless you want to get divorced. They are divorce counselors and don't know how to save marriages. They have an 84% failure rate.

I would agree. Porn viewing absolutely wrecks marriages. People who watch porn tend to be emotionally checked out of the marriage and put in very little emotionally and even less sexually. The sex tends to be very cold and animalistic rather than love making.

Have you stopped watching porn? You say you are "working on that" which is addict talk for doing nothing. Have you actually stopped?

I would look again. Can you get into her phone and look at her texts? Check to see if there is a program called WhatsApp. If you can get into it, I could put spyware on it. Webwatcher is a good one.

Also look around for a secret second phone. She might keep in the car or even in her purse with the sound turned off.

A good PI could get everything you need in probably one day.

Please read Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography