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abrrba Offline OP
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In this episode: Will she agree to date exclusively?

In the last episode, I shared that the 4th date with the Irish redhead went very well, and I decided to stop dating other women. We shared a few email messages that week, and I looked forward to seeing her on Thursday for dinner at her place.

She was late getting home from work and had not had a chance to start cooking yet, so we made dinner together, a delicious steak with garlic mashed potatoes and pan seared carrots. She only recently took up cooking and I've grown very comfortable with it since learning to cook only a year or so ago. If you haven't tried cooking with a date before, I recommend it, it's a lot of fun. She has a small 1-bedroom condo with an equally small kitchen, so it was a bit cramped, but I think that was actually a plus, it gave it a more intimate feeling. smile

Similar to our previous date, after dinner we spent most of the evening sitting closely together on the sofa and talking. Conversation was very easy with her, in fact we were so engrossed in conversation that 3 hours later we both realized that we had forgotten to have dessert and coffee like we had planned! The romantic feelings that I started to notice increased on this 5th date, when I was with her it felt like we just "clicked", and spending time together felt very natural and easy. Near the end of the evening, I asked her if she would like to date exclusively...


...and she agreed! dance2



She shared that a day prior to our previous date, she had accepted a date from another man that she had been messaging. But because she suspected that our date would go very well, she decided to cancel her other date, only 10 minutes after accepting it! She later shared that she would have agreed to date me exclusively after the 3rd date.

I'm learning that you never know what will make an impression on someone. Our 3rd date was quite long, at 8 hours, and we did a number of things including a late lunch at a nice restaurant. It was mid October at the time, a nice sunny 70 degree day. The restaurant had outdoor seating so we opted to dine al fresco. However, after ordering I noticed that the temperature was dropping and it was getting a bit windy. I asked her if she was getting cold, and would she prefer to dine inside instead? She was indeed getting cold, so we asked the waitress to seat us inside instead. My date told me later that my having the consideration to ask whether she was comfortable made a big impression on her that day. She has always been single, so has gone on dates with many men over the years, yet she commented that it was rare that a man would consider whether she was comfortable like I did. Maybe it was my father's example of being considerate to my mother over the years, but I thought nothing of it at the time, it was just the polite thing to do. It was becoming obvious that this woman likes old-fashioned men who know how to treat a woman like a lady. I would say that describes me very well, so it was another area where we noticed our compatibility.

From this point on, we started seeing more of each other every week. Is I got to know her better, would I start noticing red flags?

In the next episode: Smooth sailing or stormy weather?


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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abrrba Offline OP
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Originally Posted by living_well
People who have been married have a temptation to jump into a renter relationship too fast. You are going to need to fight that. The freeloader phase protects your heart and your head. It allows you to see issues that could remain hidden for some time such as how someone deals with obstacles before you are too emotionally invested.

Remember also that MB is a very powerful way to create romantic love. Nothing wrong with that except that you want to make it as good a fit as possible


Thanks for reminding me about this, being a freeloader does not come naturally to me, so I have to be cautious. I'll give a few more dating updates, then will address this topic further.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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Any updates? I feel like I am invested. 😁

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Lol thanks for the interest smile I’ll post an update this week.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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Your story is lovely. I hope no red flags pop up, and that you both get the relationship you deserve.


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In this episode: Smooth sailing!

Hi all, here's that update I promised, sorry for the long time between posts.

[I actually wrote most of this post on Dec 19, 2018, but life got busy and I never got back to it. I added a little more to the post, but this is basically what I was thinking nearly a year ago]

It has been nearly 2 months since the Irish Catholic redhead agreed to date me exclusively, and it's been great. We see a lot of each other, and the more we learn about each other, the closer we get. We have each met many of our family and friends. From the nice comments they have made, everyone seems to approve. We dated weekly at first, and I started feeling the chemistry by the 4th date. After that we started seeing each other 2-3 times a week, and the feelings started getting stronger. At this point, we both know that we're in love. It'll become obvious why when you read the rest this and the next few posts.

* Pre-filtering for key compatibility areas makes a big difference. In my teens and 20s, physical attractiveness was my primary criteria for deciding whether to ask a woman for a date. Though I preferred a woman with a similar background and values, I probably wasn't too different from most young guys, in that physical attractiveness was the biggest determinant. I must have read hundreds and hundreds of profiles when I started dating again in August, and I paid careful attention to signs of compatibility or incompatibility, in the key areas that Dr. Harley has identified: intelligence, energy, social interest, cultural background, values. From a woman's profile, or from messaging with her, I tried to determine compatibility potential. My other filters including dating someone close to my age, within reasonable driving distance, and free of any red flags such as dating while separated. From the three dating sites I joined, I probably messaged with a few dozen women. I ended up asking four of them on dates, and that was due to the pre-filtering. The Irish Catholic redhead seemed the most compatible initially, and from the last few months of dating exclusively, my initial impression was more than accurate. It surprises both of us how compatible we are.

* Find your natural "Lover": In his book, Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, Dr. Harley explains "...I've found it useful to classify all of humanity into four group---the Lovers, the Likers, the Dislikers, and the Haters. The Lovers are those who like just about everything there is about you. They like the way you look, the way you talk, the way you think, and the way you react to things. And the more they get to know you, the more attracted they tend to become."

When I first read that excerpt from BRF, it made me think about my past relationships, and I found I could easily classify them. Most of the women I had dated, including WxW, were probably Likers. The Irish Catholic redhead is most certainly a Lover. I eventually talked to her about Marriage Builders, including this concept, but long before, she had made comments to me such as:

"I love your confidence"
"I love how you so easily share your feelings"
"I love how affectionate you are"
"I love how close you are to your children and to your father, a real family man"
"I love that you're an old fashioned gentleman"
"I love that you're a musician"
"I love how thoughtful you are in so many ways"
"You’re the sweetest man ever"
"I love that you share your past experiences with me, before I even ask…you're so open"
"I love your sense of humor and your joyful countenance"
"I love how knowledgeable you are, yet humble and always wanting to learn more"
"I love the sound of your voice"


Some of these are from memory, and some from messages she's sent me. Some of these made me laugh ("the sound of my voice, really?"), but I appreciated all of them. The first few times we spoke about Dr. Harley's concepts, she was impressed, but I don't think she was completely convinced that it is the meeting of Emotional Needs that creates romantic love. She said something like, "I love you because of WHO you ARE." But when I read her "I love..." comments above, what I see are that many of them are ways that I meet her emotional needs of Affection, Intimate Conversation, Honesty & Openness, and Family Commitment.

She later told me that what I shared on my dating site profile really caught her attention. The impression I gave her on our first date was that in person, I was exactly as I described in my profile. She said that because of my honesty and openness, and my friendly/smiling/laughing nature, she liked me instantly.


In the Next Episode: Meeting Emotional Needs - Effortless, challenging, or a struggle?


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
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Loved reading this update!! Can't wait to read the next chapter..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks for sharing this wonderful update! dance2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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