Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
First time here and I'm on mobile so forgive a few of my grammer mistakes.

Long story short my wife had an affair at her sister's bachelorette party and got pregnant with OM's child. Found out a year ago when she gave birth to a child that's clearly not mine (I'm black, she's white) since OC was fully Caucasian with blonde hair. Of course I got mad, told my family who shunned her, and told her family who did similar. Right now the OC is 1 year old but I can't STAND having them in the house. We already moved to another area to avoid the fallout but she simply keeps begging me to not divorce her. We have twins (5 years old) together and she's insist on raising the OC. My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing). I keep telling my wife I will not raise OC and she's accepted that she will have to do everything (financially and care wise) for OC but I feel like its driving a wedge between her and me and the twins. I understand that Dr. Farley's advice is to raise OC's but really why should I?! How do I explain away a stepchild that looks NOTHING like me and is younger than the twins I had with my wife? Please help smh, it seems like any choice besides raising her OC will make her resent me for the rest of the marriage.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Welcome to MB . I'm sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.
Originally Posted by Bogan
I understand that Dr. Farley's advice is to raise OC's but really why should I?! How do I explain away a stepchild that looks NOTHING like me and is younger than the twins I had with my wife? Please help smh, it seems like any choice besides raising her OC will make her resent me for the rest of the marriage.
Dr Harley advice is not that you "should" raise the OC if you don't want to. You are not morally obliged to raise it. His advice is based on what he has seen to work for those that want to rebuild their marriage after an OC.

He says that, if you want to stay together and recover, he has seen no good come from telling the mother to give up her child. As you can already see, if she follows through on your ultimatum and gives up her child, she won't recover from that and therefore, neither will your marriage. There would be no point in forcing her to go through that and then having a wife who is in permanent mourning for her child.

If you "can't STAND" having the chid in the house, you should consider ending the marriage. At least you'd have 50/50 custody of your children.

There is no easy outcome when a wife has an OC. Even where is child is not fully different in colour from the father, many families must face the fact that other people can see an obvious difference between that child and the others. If the couple stays together, they need to find a way to deal with any questions that come up. But that's not the most serious issue they must face.

It is possible to love a child that isn't yours, even when it's the product of an affair. We have many posters here that do it. The problem is when OM stays in the picture; HE is the reason that the affair will never disappear from view, not the child. Husbands here find THAT to be a hindrance to recovery, not the child.

I don't think you should be reinforcing the difference between your children and OC. You say that your wife must do everything for OC, including care. Does that mean that you do not play with her, and do not take her out to the park when you take the other two? Do you call yourself "Daddy" to her?

It sounds as if you dislike her and shun her. If so, that is very unkind. Do not make her grow up in misery because you cannot accept her. Do not punish your wife in perpetuity, either. Either proceed on the basis that you will do your best to treat OC as your own, or end the marriage.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
Thank you Sugar Cane. The farthest I'm willing to go is to have my wife give the OC to a family member/adoptive family and they can come visit during summers and other school breaks till they turn 18. This way my wife does not feel like she abandoned the child. I will bring this up with her soon and update yall. Is this a good arrangement?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Bogan
Thank you Sugar Cane. The farthest I'm willing to go is to have my wife give the OC to a family member/adoptive family and they can come visit during summers and other school breaks till they turn 18. This way my wife does not feel like she abandoned the child. I will bring this up with her soon and update yall. Is this a good arrangement?
Have you suggested this to your wife yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bogan
Thank you Sugar Cane. The farthest I'm willing to go is to have my wife give the OC to a family member/adoptive family and they can come visit during summers and other school breaks till they turn 18. This way my wife does not feel like she abandoned the child. I will bring this up with her soon and update yall. Is this a good arrangement?
Good in what way?

If that's the only arrangement that you will consider, you don't need the approval of strangers on the Internet. As Brain Hurts has told you, you need your wife's approval - not ours.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
I understand now. So far we've decided to focus on marriage counselling before handling the OC business. I brought up my arrangement with WW but she still won't tell her family about the situation. My worry about raising OC is that I seem like less of a man doing so. At most I've thought about passing them off as my WW's niece but I still need to get through to her to inform her family about OC.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bogan
I brought up my arrangement with WW but she still won't tell her family about the situation. My worry about raising OC is that I seem like less of a man doing so. At most I've thought about passing them off as my WW's niece but I still need to get through to her to inform her family about OC.
Didn't you say you'd already told both sides?
Originally Posted by Bogan
Found out a year ago when she gave birth to a child that's clearly not mine (I'm black, she's white) since OC was fully Caucasian with blonde hair. Of course I got mad, told my family who shunned her, and told her family who did similar.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Bogan
I understand now. So far we've decided to focus on marriage counselling before handling the OC business. I brought up my arrangement with WW but she still won't tell her family about the situation. My worry about raising OC is that I seem like less of a man doing so. At most I've thought about passing them off as my WW's niece but I still need to get through to her to inform her family about OC.
And if the baby is obviously not yours, then wouldn’t her family know?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
I meant her close family, my bad. Her brothers have tried to offer some advice when she calls but are still giving her the cold shoulder, while her sister stopped them from telling their parents so my WW can get the chance to explain our situation to them herself.

Last edited by Bogan; 09/20/21 08:59 PM.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
Yes her close family know, while her parents and grandparents were just told she gave birth. For obvious reasons we've only shared pictures of OC with her close family (siblings). To be honest I don't know how my WW's parents haven't asked for a photo of OC yet so I'm guessing that's because of her and her siblings efforts to keep this under wraps. I'm assuming they've been asking for months now in my opinion.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Your explanation has confused me even more.

Your wife's parents know that she was pregnant and had the baby over a year ago, yet they have never seen the child nor been shown a photo, and don't appear to be disturbed about this. What grandparent does not want to meet a new baby, and if they can't for some reason, wouldn't demand to see a photo and videos? How can this be a whole year without that happening? I can't imagine being told that my daughter was pregnant and gave birth and not being allowed to see photos, videos and Zoom visits.

How are you supposed to explain in the longer term why they see no physical evidence of he new child? And yet you will introduce a "niece" who has been living with you and is coincidentally the same age as the missing baby, who looks something like your wife and calls her Mummy? If she's your wife niece, isn't she also their grandchild by one of their other children? Why isn't she living with her parents?

Originally Posted by Bogan
My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents).
And yet these grandparents - your wife's parents - would be told that this child was her niece?

Your explanation is utterly bizarre. It might be a problem with the way you express yourself, but I can't comment intelligently on something that I find completely incoherent.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
Sorry I'm just as lost as you are in this mess. I've asked her repeatedly why her parents and grandparents have not asked to see OC or at least a picture of them, and she just says "we have a big family so they won't worry to much" or "I'll let them know when I'm ready". I don't know what she's been telling them to not worry about OC's status, but when I press her on how hard this is to believe, she snaps. She seems to want to keep this under wraps until she's ready to come clean. Her family is deeply religious (Mormon), and I understand her feelings of shame for having an OC, but I keep telling her these lies and excuses are going to implode on itself, especially when OC gets older. On my end I can pass OC off as my WW's niece to friends and other people (preferably want to avoid embarrassment), but I'm still working with WW on letting her parents raise OC predominantly. Like I said earlier, my family are still furious about the OC situation but I've managed to prevent them from contacting WW since she's a emotionally unstable right now. Again, sorry if this is not making any sense, but honestly, I just want my twins to stop seeing their mother in so much pain.

Last edited by Bogan; 09/21/21 02:57 PM.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
I pass the child of as my WW's niece to friends and others. Family members (mine and her's) will know of OC's parentage

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bogan
I pass the child of as my WW's niece to friends and others. Family members (mine and her's) will know of OC's parentage
I still don't get it. People tend to know when a woman has been pregnant. Your wife has been pregnant and a baby has appeared, who is now one year old, but that baby is not referred to as her child but as her niece?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
The woman that moved in next door to me was visibly pregnant. I did not know her very well. Nine months later I could hear a baby crying through the wall, and I went round with flowers. If she had told me that the newborn baby that she was clutching in a blanket was her nephew, not her own child, I would have assumed that she'd had a terrible mental breakdown.

How do people not already know that she has had a baby, and that the child is not her niece?

Surely it's blatantly obvious to even strangers that the child strapped to her hip and living in her house is her own child?

Strangers used to stop me when I walked down the street with my children, wanting to get a look at the baby. Neighbours that I did not even recognise knocked at my door with some little gift. What did your wife do when these things happened? Did she tell them that it's not her newborn baby, it's her niece?

What did the twins tell the teachers and their friends at school? That their newborn cousin has come to live with them, or that mummy has had a baby - their new baby sister? What does your wife do when she picks up the twins at school - does she tell people that the newborn is not hers, it's her niece? Every morning and afternoon at school, for a year? And didn't anyone at school notice that she was pregnant? Didn't the twins tell anyone that mummy was expecting a baby?

Please explain how you have been living with this through her pregnancy and since the birth.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bogan
Sorry I'm just as lost as you are in this mess.
You're the husband. You are married to this woman. You're the father of the twins. You're the son-in-law. Yet you are just as lost as I am in this mess?

I'm a complete stranger who cannot see how it's possible to hide from her parents the fact that your wife has had a baby that isn't yours, but you can't give me answers because you don't know yourself how they haven't seen a glimpse of this child?

I really don't know what to say.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
I said we moved to a new area to escape the fallout of OC's birth. It's in my first post. People in our NEW area don't know she's given birth to OC so I'm just trying to see how I can explain OC's presence in our family besides admitting the truth. Yes people from where we used to live before all know about OC not being mine. I just don't want to look pathetic raising a stepchild younger than our twins. Again, I did not pass OC off as a niece to friends where we used to live, her family members who know about OC, or my family. I only knew OC wasn't mine when she was born. Is that a bit clearer?

Last edited by Bogan; 09/21/21 04:19 PM.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
B
Bogan Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 14
She's already throws emotional fitz when I press her to tell her parents. She's won't give me their contact information either. I've tried to get it from her sister but she wants my wife to tell them herself. This gets more and more frustrating but my wife's episodes keep me from probing further.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bogan
I said we moved to a new area to escape the fallout of OC's birth. It's in my first post. People in our NEW area don't know she's given birth to OC so I'm just trying to see how I can explain OC's presence in our family besides admitting the truth.
You don't think it's obvious to the casual observer that this child is your wife's child? That she's the child's mother?

How are you going to explain that her one-year old niece lives with you? Where are her parents in this scenario?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Bogan
She's already throws emotional fitz when I press her to tell her parents. She's won't give me their contact information either. I've tried to get it from her sister but she wants my wife to tell them herself.
You don't know where you own in-laws live? You've been with your wife for at least as long as the twins have been alive, and you don't know her home address?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 37 guests, and 42 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,567
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5