We’re getting 2-3 official dates outside of the home a week, usually 4-5 hours each. We take walks together every other day for about an hour. Put our daughter to bed around 8:30 and spend 1-2 hours together before we go to sleep either talking, reading, or meeting the need for SF.

My top three EN’s are Openness and Honesty, Conversation, and Recreational Companionship, with Sexual Fulfillment and Affection rounding out the top five. I do feel like my needs are being met. Obviously, only two months out from D-day O&H is a huge concern still. My husband is being very open and honest now, but he wasn’t for a very long time, so I’m still having major trust issues even though he is accounting for all of his time and has given me access to all of his accounts (he deactivated FB and completely shut down the email address they used to communicate).

I’m still getting visuals of them together whenever we are intimate. It’s less frequent now and less intense, but I’d like to figure out how to stop them altogether. I am trying hard to redirect my thoughts whenever it happens, but it is something I still struggle with. I wasn’t sure if Dr. Harley had addressed this somewhere?

It s very common to have those thoughts during intimacy. Time is the best healer and, of course, creating a great marriage that is safe.

Reading this thread is very saddening.

In 2019 you proclaimed you were open to suggestions, but kept listing the suggestions you were not open to.

Nothing changes until writer1 changes.

He has admitted to it now, writer.

What to Do with a Serial Cheater

Your husband:
1. Admits to being a serial cheater
2. Hasn't followed the program
3. Has had multiple chances to follow the program, and still doesn't

You must, for your own sake, assume that he will continue to have affairs for the rest of his life. You will continue to be subjected to this pain. To avoid this suffering, Dr. Harley would recommend you divorce him as soon as possible.

How is this possible in a marriage with a WH who is following the MB program of recovery?

He's hasn't been following the program. He never will, writer. He will throw you a bone by confessing, and showing up on this board for a moment, and maybe meet a few of your needs here and there. But he will never follow extraordinary precautions. He has no intention of doing so. When your back is turned, he will do this to you again.

In an MB marriage, none of this is possible. In a marriage that follows extraordinary precautions, your spouse cannot start "personal messaging" and then go on to "reach out." There are no "catch-up sessions" with former girlfriends. It certainly doesn't escalate to a physical meetup not once, but twice. BECAUSE YOU WILL KNOW ALMOST IMMEDIATELY that extraordinary precautions have been violated. A secret second life does not exist in a marriage where the wayward spouse is actually wanting to follow the program.

Your husband really doesn't care if you find out about his affairs. This is why he confesses. He doesn't care because:
1.He knows he's not going to lose you
2. As a serial cheater, it's not the relationship with the affair partner that matters to him. It's the win. It's the "getting as many as he can get." By the time he's confessing the affair to you, he's already done with that affair partner and is ready to move on to the next.

Please read serial cheaters

Hi, writer1. I hope you're reading you're husband's thread. And I hope you'll take this to heart: I didn't get any better until Prisca told me I couldn't come home until I could guarantee her that it would never happen again.

There is nothing to be optimistic about, here. Don't whistle in the dark like you have before.

Looks like someone revived my thread.

I’ve read the article on serial cheaters many times, including in the past several weeks.

I would like to point out that my husband was never really on board with MB in the past. When I first found this forum after my own affair and started posting here, he was actively against the program and felt my posting on the forum was doing me more harm than good, which is why I ultimately left. I briefly returned in 2019 and, though my husband was willing to do some reading in Surviving an Affair, he still wasn’t entirely on board with MB. Now, I realize why.

I’m staying in my marriage for now, but proceeding with an abundance of caution. I haven’t made any definitive decisions yet. I must say, something feels different this time. My husband is much more open to MB than he’s ever been in the past. Instead of my having to take the lead and try to repair the damage that’s been done (which I feel like I did after my own affair and his affairs as well) he’s actually taking an active role now in attempting to change. I understand the skepticism. I’m certainly skeptical myself. But I’m here and I can see the difference in his attitude and his actions that may not be apparent on a forum like this. I’m carefully watching everything he says and does and basically taking a Missouri approach to this entire thing - show me. I’m not ready yet to throw away 28 years of a life together, but I disagree that my husband believes he can do anything he wants at all without having to worry about losing me. I think he realizes now how precariously close to the edge he is and that it wouldn’t take much to push me over that cliff. I’m not a fool, even though a lot of people here seem to assume that I am. My eyes are wide open and I’m fully aware of the odds my marriage is facing at this point.

For now, we’re reading Surviving an Affair together. We’re spending time together and talking in a way we haven’t in years. I’m monitoring his online activity and have access to all of his accounts. I’m confident this latest affair is over. I exposed it to the OW’s husband immediately and we’ve been in contact and he is monitoring things on his end. My husband wrote her a no contact letter the day he told me about the affair. It seems he was very ready to be done with the relationship and with the entire burden of constantly attempting to live a double life. He has apologized for his behavior and seems genuinely embarrassed by what he has done. He’s been reading (on his own) about pathological lying and serial cheating and has admitted to having a problem. That’s always a necessary first step. I support him in this journey of self-discovery and change, whether or not our marriage ultimately survives.

I’m taking things one day at a time and not rushing into any decisions as I’ve done in the past. That’s what I feel I need to do right now, whether or not anyone else agrees with me. I’m trying to take care of myself and be gentle with myself. I had a rough couple of weeks after I first found out where I wasn’t eating or sleeping and was barely able to function. I’m in a better place mentally now. I know my husband’s actions are no reflection on me or on my worth as a human being and that, whatever happens, I will be okay. I will survive this. I love my husband and I always will. I hope he chooses to be the man I know he can be, the man I’ve seen him stepping up and being these past few weeks. But I also know that ultimately, it’s up to him what kind of person he wants to be. I can’t change him. I do believe he can change himself. And I can establish boundaries and decide how I will or will not be treated going forward in the future. I can decide I will not be lied to or cheated on or disrespected anymore. So that’s what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll end up doing it in a healthy recovered marriage and maybe I’ll end up doing it on my own. Time will tell.

I feel pretty confident in saying that nobody is really surprised by this response of yours.

You are saying the same things you said in 2019, which were the same things you said before that.

He was never really onboard with MB ... THIS time he is ... you're reading SAA together ... you're having UA ... you have access to all his accounts and monitor his online activity ... you're confident that the affair is over ....

It's all the same stuff, writer. Go back and read your own threads if you don't believe me.

Nothing has changed.

10+ years is hardly rushing things.

A man who is reading SAA should be able to answer the question about what precautions he is taking, and not mistake emotional needs for extraordinary precautions. It isn't hard. Any wayward can do it.

For the wayward who needs help, we're here to answer questions. He's not even asking questions.

He's not serious.

Prisca.

We started reading SAA just a few days ago. We’re just about ready to start Chapter 3. I’ve read it before, but my husband has not. No, we never made it very far before because he was not on board with doing it. So I mostly read on my own. My husband is feeling attacked for being expected to know everything about a program before he’s actually had the opportunity to read everything and learn it, which isn’t particularly helpful. Sure he could have and should have done it before, but he didn’t. Now he is. He has admitted we’ve gotten nowhere solving this problem on our own. So we’re going to give MB a try, together, like we should have done years ago, with or without the support of this forum. But with would be highly appreciated. If that isn’t possible, then we’ll stick to the books and articles. We’re also looking into the MB counseling.

That's great! Please let him know he needs to get that todo list posted really quick! We want to help him!

July, 2019

August 2019

August 2019

These are your words, not mine.

Stop protecting him. If he's serious, wild horses couldn't drag him away. If he's serious, he'll man up and get on here and answer the challenges he's been given. He is not fragile.

It's time for him to get on here and prove he's serious.

He is NOT being asked to do anything every other wayward has been challenged to do.

Those who buckle under and answer the challenge save their marriages.
Those who balk and cry that it's too hard or too mean, don't.

writer, we are saying to your husband the things that lead to waywards recovering. Encourage him to come go through it.

One of my best mentors here was a former wayward, HerPapaBear. He taught me so much.

Tell him to get here and become like that. Do the stuff without balking.

He needs to get that todo list made and posted.

He’s been spending the morning watching some of the Harley’s videos and reading on the website. I think he’s uncomfortable posting right now because he doesn’t know the basics so he wants to at least get a grasp on that so he’ll know what people are asking him.