[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Just had to say, so far I'm having a good day. I started out not having a good day. H has called me twice at work. Normally he does not call at all. I usually have to call. We only talked about our kids soccer games tomorrow. Normally he does not do that. (I hope this is the beginning of a better life with H)

I changed me to be Sue with Hope from Sue of Minnesota. I like it better. <p>He got up, we had a late breakfast, left around noon to buy a bat for softball, and didn't return until 5:30, he has just enough time to make it to ball. Now, how long does it take to buy a bat, especially when you already know what one you want. I can't believe he thinks I don't question it.

My H has started wearing his Wedding ring. Not the ring we wore when we got married, we could not afford much then. A couple of years back he bought himself a new ring, one he liked more. I was okay with that. When we first bought the rings, we decided that we will get nicer ones later on. The difference between him and I is, I will always wear my ring, and add to it. Makes sense, not too many guys wear multiple rings like women do. This is the most he has wore his ring since we have been married. <p>Wearing the ring to me symbolizes that he is committed to the marriage. Or at least is making more of an effort. <p>All I have been is nicer to him. Is that what makes the difference. I got rid of the anger from his past A. Even my kids have commented that that I'm nicer. Boy, how we can delude ourselves about our own attitude. <p>I hope I'm not putting too much into this. He makes sure I know that he is wearing it.

So far things have been going well. I keep waiting and wondering when will it happen? When will he slip up? It is bound to happen sooner or later. I think what helps is I don't check up on him as often as I used to. It would bring me down to see that he called her. If and when I want, I know how to get access to that information. Why bring me down, especially when I need to stay in a good mood. Don't want to risk those LB's. I'm not trying to live in denial. Checking up on him does little good for the self esteem. Besides, I'm taking a summer class, and If I let this eat at me, I will not do well in the class.<p>Doing Plan A, seems to be helping the situation. At least we are not fighting. The question remains, does he feel like he is having the best of both worlds?

SWH,<p>I like that name better -- originally my name on the site was Hopeless One, but as things started to work out I changed it.<p>One important thing to realize is that you cannot control your H's actions -- you can only control yourself. That is what Plan A is all about -- you learning to be a better person; for yourself, for your M, for your children, for your family, for all. Not LBing will help all of your Rs. Really, what is the point of LBing -- you hurt someone else or force your ideas on them, but in the long run it is detrimental to all Rs. <p>I think it is a good idea not to keep checking up on your H. If the info you get is too painful, then don't keep checking up. Keep up your Plan A. At some point you will want to check progress -- is he still communicating with her, does he just want the best of both worlds (cake-eater), etc. Then you might need to make some decisions. But for now, continue your Plan A. Define your goals for your Plan A (these are improvements you are making for yourself). I know you are going to school (I am currently in law school myself) and trying to lose weight -- great goals. What else? I think the golf lessons are great -- after you have had a few why don't you suggest that you and your H play a round.<p>It sounds like you are depositing LB$ in your H's account. He is probably torn between you and the OW. Keep up the good work. You are going to make him start wondering and thinking. That will help bring him out of the fog -- check out other posts for the fog. <p>Keep up the good work.<p>FHO

Sue, sorry to barge in on your thread but I was happy to see FHO posting to you as she has been incredibly helpful to me! Bless her!<p>FHO, if you have time would you take a look at the thread by Trying to see if you have anything to comfort her? She is also looking for help for her H! Thanks, CSue

Hi FHO and CSUE,<p>Thanks.<p>FHO good luck in Law School, that is a heavy load. Currently I work with Attorneys, some have done career changes to become Lawyers and have talked about how much work it is, to get there. And they are happy with their decision.<p>I was not checking up on my H. I was looking into our bank statement. The balance didn't look right. I saw he got gas at a gas station that is out of the way from home, work, ball, so I asked him why he had to get gas their. (gas station is located approx 1 block from OW home, yes I know where she lives. This is because it is the same person he had the A with before). He claimed that he was on his way to ball and had to pull off for gas. He says there is not other station along the way. Unless memory fails me, there is one about 3 miles up the road from the exit he took to get to this one. He passed 4 gas stations to get to this one. (I didn't comment on this, since I could not recall if there were gas stations before this one. I told a friend about it, and she has to go that route to get home and she told me how many their are. I realize that Plan A is about improving me, and he will have contact for awhile, why do they think we buy these lame excuses. Where do they come up with these lame excuses. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I guess laugh, it is better for you. Why do they talk about a future with you, and the whole time they are cheating. I just don't get it.
Is it because they do really love you and are confused as you said. I'll have to check out some of the Fog threads. <p>Thanks

Sue, my H and I are in recovery; and it seems to be going well. The trust issue is so big. I don't trust him yet. Partly because he was able to have the A right under my nose and I never suspected.<p>There were a few unexplained things that occurred during the A that make sense to me now; but for the most part it is surreal because he acts the same way today that he did 4 years ago and forward.<p>I think you are wise to stay alert to the possibilities based on what you said; however plan A activities is the smart way to go. You don't want to drive him away from you while coming out of the fog. Keep us posted on how you are doing! CSue

SWH,<p>All I can say is FOG, FOG, FOG! Think of it like their brain has temporarily been taken over by aliens (lost of people here talk about the aliens). They don't make any sense. The reason that he makes plans about the future and lies to you is because he still loves you and doesn't want to spoil your R. He is very confused right now and doesn't know what he is doing. In a way he is trapped. Even if he does want to get out of the R with the OW, he is trapped if she threatens to go to you with the info.<p>Patience is really important right now. Do a good Plan A. Work on the things that you have done to contribute to the problems in your M. I did that and I do not regret it for a minute -- even if things had not worked out with my H, I would not regret it. I am a better person -- I have more insight into me. I have more insight into others feelings. I am more considerate of others (no LBing). You have said that your children have commented on the changes in you. That is great -- see you have already improved yourself and you will have a better R with your children for it.<p>Your H is probably hurting right now. WSs are confused and in the end hurt themselves far more than they ever hurt their spouses. I know it doesn't make sense, but it is the truth. My H posted on the recovery board a thread about forgiving oneself. He is still struggling with this and feels the guilt every day. <p>Hang in there. Take it one day at a time (or one minute if necessary). Post here when you are frustrated. It really helps. Also regarding the lies the WS uses to cover up, it really is pathetic. The excuses are so lame and sometimes it used to make me really mad that my H thought I was dumb enough to believe them. But, remember the fog -- the WS just says anything that enters their head. Later they probably don't even remember what they said.<p>FHO

Thanks for the encouragment. I feel as if I should be down and blue, but I'm not. In general I am happy. Yes, the situation bothers me, but I'm not obsessed with it, at least not like I was in the beginning. Is this the effect Plan A has on the person who is practicing it? Initially I was very upset and depressed, now I'm doing the best I can with Plan A, working on getting back into shape, trying to spend time with my children and concentrating on school. I worked out a schedule so that I will be able to study while H is at work and the weekends will be relatively free, with the exception of some housework and light study. <p>Regardless of what happens with my M, I hope to come out of this situation a better person. The last thing I want is for my chilren to go down this same road. Hopefully I can learn some things to pass on to them.

Don't ever think HIS affair is your fault!!! It Is HIS fault!I wish that husbands could be man enough to talk about their problems instead of finding some tramp to comfort them! I am learning that it was not my fault that my husband cheated on me... it was HIS choice! Don't beat yourself up about it... ask him to seek counseling! That's what I did. (and he was willing to do whatever I asked to make things work!)

CSUE forgot to say, you are not barging. All advice, comments are welcome.<p>Here is someting I've been pondering. I think he is testing the waters for my reactions. More than once he claims he hardly talks to her. (this is when I don't ask). I stopped checking the cell phone bills, but when I did, he called her every day, 3-4 times per day. Probably still is. When I was checking our bank statement, I saw a charge for a resuraunt, (visa bank cards show up on bank statement) the total indictated more than one person. So I asked him, at first he tried saying he thought it was when he was with his brother, I don't recall my exact response, but he knew I didn't believe him. When I got home, he said that he had to get some papers from her, and mentioned to her he was hungry, however, he did not have to pay for her meal. <p>Lets say, he wants to end it with OW, and she has threatened to tell me, so he is afraid that she will contact me. Could he be testing my reactions? If he would come clean, we could move forward as a couple on our M. So, lets say he does come forward with confessing of the A, do I tell him I've suspected for awhile, if so, will he take this as the green light that, Hey, since she didn't confront it must be okay and I can do it again? Do I act surprised?, Do we discuss it rationally? I still remember the when I found out about the first A. I'm sure the look on my face when he came home must have been devestating. There was nothing rational about my behavior then. I don't know how to react that will not be a LB. It is easy to not LB, when you are burying it under the rug and have accepted that until the right time this is the way it must be. <p>I know I will want counseling, especially for him. Once, about a year ago, during an argument, he suggested MC, I was willing, and then he backed out. I know I will have to insist at that time,he must have NC with her. I've wondered if there is a baby involved from prior A, and had not told me. (The thought has crossed my mind, I'll deal with this if it is a reality, no point in creating problems that may not exist).<p>Weekend is coming, if there is no rain, we have my company picnic to go to this weekend. At least for a few hours I will know where he is.

Yesterday was a little tough for me. We went to my company picnic, (I had a headache that would not go away). Right after we get home, he says he needs to go for a drive, 5 hours later he returns. Went to a movie alone (was he alone?, probably not). I make suggestions that him and I should go out, he ignores me or he makes other plans. How am I supposed to have time with him when he avoids it. I wonder is it because I've gained 60 pounds and he is embarrased to be seen with me? I've signed up for golf lessons at his suggestion so we will have an RC we can do to gether. I have been dieting and exercising (I feel good afterwards) I've dropped 1 size, and that size is starting to feel looser, so soon I will be down another size. We used to go to his union christmas party every year, we have not gone to the last 3. The first one in the last 3 makes sense, it was close to the due date of of last child, (you have to send in your payment and reservation) who knew if we would have been able to go. The second one he was working out of town, except we both agreed to his working out of town, for a short time, he stayed away longer than agreed upon, the last one, I don't know why.<p>I think I will take the dog for a walk before the kids get up. Neighbor kids spent the night, waffles in the toaster will be quick and easy to fix and they all love them. Get the laundry done, study for tuesdays test, and if I'm lucky he will stay home today. We have been talking about buying bikes and going bike riding with the kids, maybe will can do that today

Today I'm a little down. Yesterday was okay, he suggested we buy bikes so we can take the kids bike riding and make a day of it on some trail. Sounds good. He is willing to keep doing family things, which is okay, I love being with my kids, however, anytime I suggest we do something together, him and I, he hesitates, or makes other plans. Example, he plays Everquest, I've played it, it is okay, except he knows I have been trying to get him to agree to going out with me, so he sets up a months worth of guild activiteis for Saturday nights, the night I'm home where we could get a sitter and go out. A friend thinks his recent interest in the house and family is to through me off on his A. She thinks he might be aware that I might know or suspect. Alot of times, when he disappears, he turns his cell phone off. After all, who wants the wife calling while out with the girlfriend. (mood buster huh).<p>Just a little down today about this. Oh well, if it doesn't rain the kids have a soccer game, will take my lunch hour and go watch. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I hope I'm making progress in my M. I brought up the subject again of H and I going out, just the two of us, he of course said he was not going out at Midnight (the time I get home from work). I reminded him that there is Saturday's. He agreed to it, so this is more progress than I have made. (He also wants to buy a 4-wheeler, is he trying to butter me up so I will agree). <p>I don't think I have been doing any LB's as much as I want to shake him some days, or yell and scream WHY!!!!, or "Why do you have to call her every day" What does she do for you that I don't do" "What makes her so special that you would risk your M over her" Okay, done venting. I feel better. Somedays you gotta vent<p>Somedays I get down over it, but not like when I initially found out. Mostly I want to know why, why why. I try to keep busy so I don't have to think about it.

I always thought when I got married I would have this wonderfull happy life. My parents had a good marriage, a few arguments, but for the most part good. They loved each other dearly, my father was so devoted to my mom. That is what I want. Why can't I have it too. When we first met, of course you have the typical infatuation when all is bliss. After I 1st son was born, he was so good and thoughtful. A psycho ex girlfriend of his kept following him, even after we had the baby. She finally quit, he was home all the time, considerate, thoughtful, did spend too much, brought small thoughtful gifts, told me he loved me. After our second son was born, he leaves me, found out he had a girlfriend. Devestated me, I wanted so bad for it to work out. I thought we did. Now that I look back, I see he changed, he is not the same thoughtful person he was. The more we make, the more he wants and the less I get. He has all these expectations out of me, that I should be doing to make him happy, and I get very little out of him. When I say anything, I'm a nag, a b****, I know why he says those things, it is because he cannot have his way, and I'm calling him on the carpet for his behavior. <p>I guess I'm very down. Need to vent. I started another thread under emotions. I was sort of scaring myself. I didn't like what I was thinking.

Sue-I'm new here but what you said rang so true with me I have to reply! I've suspected for about a month that my H is having A with former co-worker. Looking back I feel so stupid-this has to have been going on for at least 6-8 months, probably longer. And like you said, when we got married I thought we would have this beautiful life, best friends raising perfect children. Well, our daughters are beautiful but my "best friend" never talks to me, never touches me, didn't even buy me a birthday card. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> Yet looking at cell phone records, he spends lots of time talking to "someone"-he checks his voicemail as soon as he leaves home or work, then calls her and talks the whole commute.
I have not confronted him-I think I'll just work on a Plan A, since I know he must be deeply fogged. It is hard, tho, since I feel so hurt, angry, and resentful.

Shaz - plan A is really hard, especially when you know that something is going and, and you want the to confess, so you can go foward with either working it out(which is the route I want to go) or filing for DV (yuck) but at least you are not in limbo. Today I thought things would have been better, he took our oldest with him to look at some 4 wheelers his boss is selling. He came home early afternoon, I thought, yeah for a change, he is going to stay home, well, guess not, he leaves for about 3 hours and I have no idea where. Says he was looking at trailers. I'd believe him except this happens every Saturday and Sunday. I cannot recall one weekend where he has been home the whole time or where either I or one of the kids have been with him.<p>This is not easy, but I hang in there. Somedays it is really easy for me, and others I just want to cry. Weekends are the worst

I hate weekends. H had a good father's day. I put alot of effort into this one. The past ones, I didn't do so much, I figured why, he never did much for me. It helped for me to make it special was the this past mothers day he actually did something nice for me. <p>Weekened are particularily tough. This is when he has his 3-5 hour disappearing act. Surprisingly, Sunday he was home more than not, except he decided he had to go to the drugstore which is 2 blocks away. It took him approx 45 min to buy one item. I'm sure he used this time to get away and make his phone call. <p>Weekdays are easier, he has to be home for the kids. When he does play ball, he cannot stay out too late. Non of the sitters will stand for it. He does not want to lose any of the sitters, so he comes right home after ball. (I wish I meant as much to him as the babysitters, but then again he needs them more than he needs me).<p>It used to be I could not wait for the weekends, time home with the family, now I dread the weekends and love the weekdays.

Hey There! First of all trust your intuition. Most likely if you have those feelings - it is happening. Unfortunately, you can't make your WS confess. Stay focused on something and try not to let it consume you.