Hope I'm doing this right. This is my last attempt to try and understand what is going on. I believe that my H is cheating on me with a co-worker, but he absolutely refuses to admit it. Maybe I'm the unreasonable one, but here is what I have to date.

In November I discovered that he had changed the address the cell phone bills were going to from home to work - back in January 2003. He claims to have told me about this, but I say no he did not. When I looked up the statements online there were many phone calls to his work voice mail, his work voice mail message system (leave a message to someone), to a female co-worker and a cell phone. Most calls were to the voice mail numbers and sometimes added up to 8 a day -even on weekends. I of course confronted him and he claims it was all work related. Also, there was not one old cell phone bill in the house anywhere.

Next, I discover that his credit card statements are no longer going to our home address either, and when I asked him he said that he changed that a long time ago, but again I know it was coming to the house in June. Once again, I could not find an old statement in the house. Plus he claims to have thrown all old statements away.

He told me that there was no balance on the credit card anyway and that he just used it for business travel. He has not traveled since November, yet he paid almost $2000 on it in January, but not with our checking account money. I pulled a credit report to get this information.

He claims I was worrying about nothing, yet I still felt something was wrong. So, I check our laptop for any unusual things and I find a cached copy of a hotmail account that I knew nothing about with more than 50 emails from her and the last one had a subject line of "I miss you". Again he claims it was work related and that was probably a joke. The cached copy was more than a year old so he claims that he doesn't really remember what it was about and that account is no longer open anyway. I of couse emailed something to it and it never came back as undeliverable.

Finally, last week after receiving no satisfactory answers, I checked the laptop again. I found two love letters written to her during the time period all of the phone calls and emails are going on. He talks about making love to her, about not wanting to give her up, about loving her and hating the limits on their time together. And do you know what he told me when I confronted him with that? He said he was just fantasizing about having a relationship with someone who he could make happy because he never feels like he makes me happy. All this happened shortly after the birth of our second child and I thought things were okay - not great, but okay.

Am I crazy for thinking that he did have a relationship with this women? He denies it over and over while he looks me in the eye. He tells me he loves me and he needs me and he can't live without me. And he swears that he would never, never, never, never (his words) do that to me and the kids. Has anyone ever heard of this happening before???

The Beginning sounds just like my story! But my H wouldn't say he love me at all h would say I'm just sexually atracted to you.

I do think he is having or had an affair. Don't push him away and read all the signs ask him what makes him think he doesn't make you happy? My husband did all that changed everything to a PO BOX. Demand to have access to everything! You deserve it.

Yikes, I'm sorry to say, but all the signs post to either a EA or maybe PA. You didn't mention if you had no accountability for his time.

I would read everything that's on here, try to understand some of what's going on. This will equip you with what you need to know how to proceed.

Although it seems your in a VERY bad spot right now, you actually have the upper hand, by finding this site so soon. You'll find a lot of answers here.

Try to keep your feelings about this in check from him until you have more information, both from here, and about what's going on. You'll have a better idea of how to proceed in a week or two. In the meantime, try Plan A... although your first instinct right now will be to withdraw from him, to protect yourself, it's a good place to start.

Ahhhhh....of course he's having an affair. Why do you doubt your own eyes? Your husband will lie and lie until it's impossible to avoid it any longer....his excuses are so incredibly lame. Is this woman married? I personally think it's time to compare notes with her hubby if she is.

This is a great site. I too had an OK marriage but not an affair-proof one. To be affair-proof it needs to be not just good but great.

(1) If you want to save your marriage then stay here. Get all the support that's available and read the whole site. Too many people in your situation find this site, post a few times then go away. I understand why - it's hard.

(2) Your H is clearly having a physical affair.

You wrote...
"I found two love letters written to her during the time period all of the phone calls and emails are going on. He talks about making love to her, about not wanting to give her up, about loving her and hating the limits on their time together."

My comment...
This is not a mere sexual fantasy; it is obviously tied to a relationship. I'm male and I know what male fantasies are like and they're not like that.

I know it's not what you want to hear but it's obvious that he's slept with her. Sorry. The "fantasy" explanation is bold but not very original and totally unconvincing.

(3) Facing this fact I think you are entitled to a divorce if that is what you want. Only you can decide, but I'd also say not to make quick decisions in a devasted emotional state.

(4) You may be about 50% responsible for the condition of your marriage but he is 100% responsible for the affair. Whatever the problems, an affair wasn't the answer.

(5) If you choose to try to save the marriage the strategy is on this site: Plan A, Plan B and Recovery. Read about them. They're not easy but they work.

Hang on in there baby.

This is classic WS behavior. Mine had a cell phone that I didn't even know about. The bills went to his brother's house. When I confronted my WH, he swore that I knew about the phone.

When I confronted him with motel bills, he said he went there (during the day, when he was supposed to be at work) to think.

I finally caught them in bed together, and that could not be denied.

While all this was happening he lied so sincerely that everyone in the family, and even our lawyer believed HIM. They all thought that I was the crazy one.

So your WH is just playing the role like they all do.

Actually I am pretty convinced that he is having or did have a PA with this woman and yes she is married. Thanks for all the comments of support, I was just really scared that I was pushing him to admit something he didn't do.

I just don't know where to go from here. I am following Plan A, but I cannot seem to get past the unknown. That is what is tearing me apart right now. I have told him that I love him no matter what and that our marriage is the most important thing in my life. What more can I say. I have tried to make it safe for him to tell me by reassuring him that I think anything can be fixed, but only if I know the truth. Is that wrong?

How can he tell such ridiculous lies? Why can't he just admit it so we can move on? Does that mean it is still going on or is he too ashamed.

I have all the classic symptons of the injured spouse - I can't sleep, I have to force myself to eat, and I can't concentrate on anything. I keep trying to take it day by day, but it is sooo tough! Thanks again for all the responses -at least now I don't feel like I am crazy!

Stick with us, it is not easy, but we will help you get through this.

Try to talk to the OW's husband. That may destroy their little fantasy.

Spouseguess,

Sorry, but I too have to agree with the others in here. Your H is having an A. There is no logical reason to have bills swtiched from home to work. He is obviously hiding them from you. He doesn't want you to see how often he calls her, or how much he spends on her.

I agree that you should give all the info to the OW H and let him know what you have found out. If you think you need more proof you could always look into keylogging software ( www.eblaster.com ) to see what he is writing her on his laptop. Most people will not confess unless they are faced with abolute proof that they are busted. As long as he can keep feeding you these lame excuses and you don't question them he will keep doing so. He is probably trying to find ways now to hide the A better than he has been doing so.

Good luck,
MIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In November I discovered that he had changed the address the cell phone bills were going to from home to work - back in January 2003. He claims to have told me about this, but I say no he did not. When I looked up the statements online there were many phone calls to his work voice mail, his work voice mail message system (leave a message to someone), to a female co-worker and a cell phone. Most calls were to the voice mail numbers and sometimes added up to 8 a day -even on weekends. I of course confronted him and he claims it was all work related. Also, there was not one old cell phone bill in the house anywhere.

Next, I discover that his credit card statements are no longer going to our home address either, and when I asked him he said that he changed that a long time ago, but again I know it was coming to the house in June. Once again, I could not find an old statement in the house. Plus he claims to have thrown all old statements away. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what my WS did...to hide all the expenses he spent on OW...all the files are now home..he made the mistake of bringing them back our first attempt at reconciliation...I have since gone to our bank and requested all missing statements for bank accounts and credit cards and believe you me that was an eye opener...one cell bill alone was 1200...I would suggest you do the same

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

I am new to this myself, so I am no expert,

BUT

I want to tell you that you are not crazy!
I feel exactly as you do. I feel like I know the truth about my H, but I just want to hear it from HIM! I want the lies to stop so we can move on and recover. I, too, thought I made it safe for him to tell me, but it will not happen on his own. For now I am Plan A'ing and gathering evidence.

I suggest that you listen to the experts that post on this board, read all that you can, and post often. That is what helps me. Reading and posting here keeps me "somewhat" sane.

As for your symptoms, many people on this board suggest anti-depressants. I have tried this and it seems to help my anxiety. Exercising helps, too.

I wish you the best.

svb

I think I know what Plan A is because I have been following this web site for at least four months now, but do I need a book? I can't even remember what is what anymore because I should know that at least.

Anyway, I believe I have all of the evidence that I will ever find because I confronted him so quickly about the cell phone bills. I didn't realize at the time how dumb that was, but I really didn't want to believe it was true. Now of course he never uses the cell phone. He probably purchased a new one or a prepaid one. I keep looking, but never find it.

The love letters were the final clincher although I really had no doubts by then either. What they did is show me just how involved they were. I would like to share somethings he wrote to her just to get an outsiders opinion because I wonder if this marriage is even salvageable. One letter was written in Jan 2003 and one in June 2003. As I said, I don't even know if it ended or not.

The first one starts "I love you, I love you so much that words can't even begin to describe the way that I feel about you. You are so incredible to me, you are the most amazing person that I have ever met........ your incredibly sexy body that I can, no matter how close we are physically, never get close enought to......Truly everything that I've ever dreamed of. You are my missing piece....This is it....nothing is the same without you. I wonder if I should suggest that we disrupt our families so we can be together...." There is a lot more, but this is the brunt of the first letter.

Now the second letter was even more painful:
"I want you to know what I am thinking - becauseyou are my best friend, because I love you so much....I love being with you, I hate being away from you, you make me feel like I've never felt before.....I have thought about your comment about starting over....with someone that you really love, a feeling I have never had until I found you....I dream of growing old with you....I am a terrible faker and I hate it...I wonder how it effects the kids (4 names)...And the act of watering the cactus is painful, and it hurts more, and it is meaningless, and I hate it.....Because I never knew the true meaning of making love until we made love.....I have never felt so loved...I don't want to hurt our spouses...I love you, and I seriously (and I mean seriously) don't know what I would do without you."

These letters are so painful to read that I want to cry everytime I see them. Since he told me that they were only a fantasy I have reread them just to make sure that I am not imagining this. What makes me even more angry is that had he told me the truth I would never have seen those.

Now I sit here and wonder how he can let someone like that go? Did he really give her up or did she decide that it wasn't worth losing her lifestyle? I feel heartbroken and so cold. Is it over between us? Why is he insisting that he loves me now and wants to work on our marriage now, when less than a year ago he felt this way about someone else???

Sorry for the length but I had to share with someone and you guys will let me know your real feelings even if they are painful to me. It can't get any worse.

I forgot to mention that he keeps everything on a PDA and that is where these letters came from. June was the last time he synched his PDA to the laptop and he just forgot to clean these up. They were not easy to find. Also, he kept this PDA locked with a password until December 2003. Then coincidentally his PDA died and everything was erased in February.

You can be assured that he was having a PA, and may be still continuing it. My WH says the same thing, that he loves me and wants to reconcile. Too bad he spends all of his money and time on OW.

I know my WH well. He wants to keep me on the line until he is sure his relationship with OW is going to work out. He can't be alone. Now I just feel sorry for him.

So start out in Plan A, and see what happens.

SpouseGuess,
I agree with all the others that your H is having an A. Whether its just an EA or has turned P, who knows. Remember that most men can't fall in love until they've been physical while most women can't get physical until they're in love.

Your H is good at the excuses. So was my W. You need to get creative like I did. So that you'll have piece of proof that is irrefutible.

You can always hire a PI. When do you think they meet. Lunch time at work? After hours? Weekends? Days off?

You can also buy some gadgets to assist in evidence collection:

You can put a GPS device in his car. So we he says he went somewhere to run an errand that lasts way too long, you'll know that he really met the OW somewhere.

The best however is a voice activated recorder. FYI, these are technically illegal in some states. (just plead insanity) You can attach it to your home land line. You need a power source (better than batteries) and a working phone jack. Hopefully you have these in a place where your H won't see. Look behind large furniture ie couches amoirs, drssers etc.

Eventhough he may not call her from your house he may listen to his work v-mails at night or the weekend.

This is how I caught my W. I heard her have a conversation with her OM that didn't prove a PA but definitely proved an EA. Hindsight is 20/20 so learn from my mistake if you can. I confronted my W after hearing this first conversation. Had I had the patience to wait for several others I could have proven the PA and my search for the truth would have been alot shorter. Easier said than done though bc the first one will be devastating enough.

Some people have put these under car seats but I never tried that. I'd think that would be fairly risky and I'd think that with all the background noise ie car radio that the tape would quickly fill up.

You can also try to hack into his cell v-mail. I did this. Most people aren't that creative they'll use similar passwords ie bank pin numbers, birthdays, or just series of numbers like 1234, 1111 or 9876. I heard the OM's v-mail to my W. He was whining about missing her and other love talk. You can try the same thing with his work v-mail as well.

Also your H has been tipped by your questions and confrontations so he'll be extra careful. My W was. So be patient and Plan A your a$$ off. Don't ask any more questions or confront him until you have several voice recordings that you can play back to him if he starts the WS mantra of deny, deny , deny.

One more thing. As I said I wish I'd been more patient on the evidence collection. And again its difficult to be patient enough to record several conversations bc the first one will have you shaking. I wish I had taken the advice of all of the old timers 2 yrs ago when they advised me to go to the doctor and get on an anti-depressant. Had I done that it would have helped me get those second or third conversations.

It was my pride that said i could do this on my own. Don't need AD's. They're for crazy people. What I didn't realize was that all of my W's lies, like your H's, did turn me into an emotional mess.

Hope all of this helps you along on your journey.

cwmac

I was kind of hoping for a response about the letters. Is this typical affair words or has he actually found someone else to share his life with? Does anyone know other resources to find out if it is still going on before I confront her husband? HELP

The laptop, is it personal or business?

Does he use a home computer? I found my WH's yahoo password by downloading Spector Pro.

That way I had access to his yahoo account when he was not around and I found many e-mails between them.

Mine were planning on getting married. Sort of difficult to do when there is a current wife in the picture. Needless to say, the wedding was cancelled. It was supposed to be last Saturday. Give you an idea just how important of a day it was to him, he spent the day being initiated into a group that he wanted to belong to. No cell phones allowed. Later, I joined him.

The letters are typical WS fantasy. He has not found someone to spend his life with. He has found someone to have a fantasy affair with.

Start in Plan A. Your marriage can be saved.

He is too smart to use the home PC anymore and the laptop has gone untouched since I found the letters.

Don't put spyware on a business computer, unless you own the business. To do so, could possibly violate confidentiality rules and stuff.