My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years, and dated for 6 years before we got married. One month ago, after our two kids had gone to bed, he told me that he was leaving and needed to think. When I questioned him about it, he admitted that he'd been having an affair for almost a year. He said that they have an emotional connection (as well as sexual). He did say that he was not leaving me for her. He had some of our mail redirected to a P.O. box and had taken all the financial information with him when he left, to make things easier for me, he said.

I asked him out to dinner last week to tell him how I felt. I told him that I wanted to make our marriage work and that I saw my part in what made him turn to someone else. We both have been very busy with our jobs and have been much too focused on taking care of the kids, not much time left for just us. He told me that he was in love with her and felt nothing for me, not hate, not love, nothing. He wouldn't look me in the eye at all, because he was so ashamed when he looked at me, he said.

I asked him how he saw things turning out for us. He said he sees us getting divorced and sharing the children, although he has made no efforts to file divorce papers. I asked him if he would go to counseling with me. He said that he would, if I set it up, but that he didn't want to give me false hope. This is a man who would rather have a root canal than talk about his feelings, so I don't know if he was just trying to shut me up or if he would really be open to counseling.

After that evening, I spoke to my husband's brother, who has been checking in with me. He told me that my husband is torn apart with guilt and feels horrible that he is "killing" me.

I am so glad I have been lurking here. I read WAT's Guide to New Betrayed Spouses. What it said about the wayward spouse seeming to have been abducted by aliens is so true! My husband has always been a devoted family man, of high moral character. A month later, I still can't believe this really happened.

It is so hard to think that there may be any hope. I have loved this man for so long, even though we'd been going through a stressed time before he left.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Sorry to reply to my own post, but I wanted to add:

I have an appointment with an attorney to consider filing for a legal separation. I was frightened by him taking the financial information, even though he promises he will take care of us financially. I do not want a divorce, or even a separation, but I do feel that I need to protect the children. I can't imagine him not taking care of them, but I couldn't imagine him doing what he has done.

He wants me to call him whenever I need anything (lawn mowed, car problems, heavy lifting). Is this just out of guilt? Should I swallow my pride and call? He seems so happy when I do, but am I just deluded to think so?

This is so hard. I can't sleep and I've lost about 12 pounds this past month. I do have the support of my family and friends, and even his family. I'm so afraid of hoping...if I'm just going to be hurt again.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: Pebbles ]</small>

Pebbles
So sorry that your here under these circumstances!
As you know your Husband is in the fog heavy. He probably is still seeing the OW and is totally confused. At this point you must protect yourself and your children then work toward reclaiming your marriage. Your husband having and controlling all the families financial resources would scare me to. It may be best if you consult with an attorney at this time for your families protection.
Be sure you choose a Pro Marriage counselor so as to not reinforce your husbands current foolish mindset.

Take care and I am sure others will be along tomorrow to help you with other ideas.

SM

Pebbles,
welcome to MB although it is unfortunate you have to be here.
Have you read all the material on the website? Do you have the books? SAA and HNHN?

Do you have a plan A? have you exposed the A?
What do you know of the OW?

I would recommend you post on GQII as there is more traffic over there.