Ok here goes ....<p>My wife left me on Dec 30th 1998. I had cornered her on a telephone conversation, telling her that I needed to know what was bothering her. I also said that I was misrable for the last few months. She didn't want to answer me because she was at work. But I wouldn't let out, I kept pressing her till finally she blew. In her yells and tears she told me lots of things but what stands out the most was that I was controling her and that she has become someone she's not and can't go on. <br>We've been married for 3 years, lived togheter for 1 and were going out for another 3. We left our home town (over 5 hours away) so that she can go to law school. I left what ever job and freinds I had behind. I wanted the best for her. <p>The first 3 years of our "New Life" were pretty good. She pushed me to follow my dreams and not give up. I supported her through school and we were very close. <br>But things changed for the worst. When she started articling I started to resent the fact that I was no longer number one. She had new freinds and wanted to spend time with them. Mind you that when she was still in school we did spend lots of time with her freinds. I didn't mind as a matter of a fact I enjoyed it. But for some unknown reason I didn't want to spend time with any of them anymore. She took this as a sign that I did not want her to have freinds. I quess she was right. To make a long story short, I started neglecting my work ( my new bussiness), and all the house work. she works some 15 to 18 hour days and I work 10 to 15 days a month total. So I had the time to take care of bussiness. I used too but not in the last 18 months. I became very hurtful towards her. Demanding sex and telling her to come home early cus there's laundry to do. I started to realize all of this the second she left and put myself in counseling the very next day (Dec. 31st) It cost me over $400 for that session. But I knew I needed help. It's been a little over two weeks now and she refuses to go to therapy with or without me. Through therapy and talking to my family like my mother and sisters ( for the first time in my family history we are finally communicating) I started to realize that I took on other peoples differentiations. ( my fathers & freinds) I started to realize that I wasn't whom I wanted to be. On thursday my wife finally decided to talk to me (instead of me leading every conversation) She started by telling me that she had signed for an apartment over a week ago and that she felt that she was the type that could not forgive or forget. And that even though we had much more good times then bad, I hurt her deeply and she can not and will not forgive me. That started me in thinking that there must be some other reason. It hit me when I was talking to my mother later that afternoon. I had spilled my guts out to my mother. She was in shock (mom) I had told her about my drug addiction. I was addicted to cocain for over 5 to 7 years. I finnally quit when we moved away from home. My wife, Then my girlfreind had broken off with me about 5 months before I proposed to her. The reason was Cocain. I told her I stopped. I had Lied. She did find out a year later and I had promised I'd never lie or do coke again. <br>About 18 months ago I started to smoke grass ( i realize now that I was just replacing one for the other and I also realized that I turn to drugs when ever my estem is low). At first it was pretty inocent. Just at parties. But before long it was every night, my excuse was that I needed it to sleep. (My wife has smoked maybe 3 times with me, and for the first times in her life) About 3 to 4 months ago I would be stoned from 7 pm on. So when ever my wife came home I was stoned, dirty and living in a pig stall. I did clean the whole house once in awhile but, only once in awhile, when it got unbearable. Along with my other illegal activities ( like fencing)I poured out my soul to my mother. My mother was thankfull that I had told her all this, She also felt that I needed to do this. Later on that day I spoke to my wife and told her that I had spilled my guts out to my mom. She was a little angry that I might of hurt the woman. But she finished the conversation by saying that she would see the therapist once with me. Not for her and not to get back together But for me to help me. I was so verry thankful. I bumped into her on saturday. I saw her on the street close to where I thought she was staying. I don't usaully drive on that street, only when I'm not in a rush and just want to sight see. It's a Lovely neigborhood one that I want to live in. I stoped and got out, Huged her but she did not hug me back ( she had her hands full with shopping bags)she did put her head on my shoulder, does that mean anything? I told her that I loved and missed her and that I no longer wanted to be self distructive and that drugs were out of my life forever. She had noticed (even with a thick winter coat on) that I had lost lots of weight in two weeks.( I have been working out since the break up.I used to work out alot before we moved here) I told Her that I loved her more for doing this for me, for opening my eyes. I touched her face and then pulled my hand back just a bit to see her reaction. She melted into my hands. Closed her eyes and caressed my hands with her face. we stood forehead to forehead not saying a word till I backed off. ( I don't kow why I backed off) I told her that I did not want to keep her and that she must be cold. We kissed on the cheek and she walked away waving and telling me she'll see me on monday. I yelled back "you're my best freind. I love you" with that we parted our ways. <p>I needed to touch her because I was getting mixed feelings from her. Her vioce was always cold and negitive towards me. But her eyes were very loving. She has not told me that she loves me since she left. She has said that she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. I am very scared about our therapy session on monday. Will she open up? Will she push me away? Am I fighting a losing battle? <p>I know that alot of you will say that once a drug addict always a drug addict. I have been coke free for over 3 years now and the other day, when I was at my most vulnerable a freind offered coke to repay a favour. I gave it back to him. The same thing happened with weed just a couple of days ago. I haven't had any desire or thought for drugs. As a matter of fact I am disgusted by my behaviour. I am a strong willed person and I know that I will beat this. I on the other hand have always had Low self estem and no self validation what so ever. Except for the last couple of days. I feel that I will shine. And that my rays will lighten up her face so that one day we can fall in love all over again. I will survive. <br> <br>Please tell me your thoughts or experiences. I knoww that i am looking for validation again. but I need to know what I can do to get her to come back and try to work things out. <p> Sincerly <br>Vid

The best thing you can do right now is to continue what you are doing. Make yourself the best "you" that you can be. Keep in touch with your wife and show only a loving attitude - you have hurt her for a long time from what you have said. People do just reach their breaking points sometimes, and feel they must leave - there doesn't need to be a single other reason than what you have described here.<p>You need to show consistency in your behavior changes. You need to have patience and realize that it took more than a few days to drive your wife away from you - it will take more than a few days to bring her back to you.<p>Read everything you can on this website, even about infidelity - I believe that as much as infidelity is like an addiction, addictions or obsessions are like infidelity to a marriage.<p>Don't give up yet - stay strong and proud in your resolve. There are no guarantees in life, so no one can say if your wife will come back to you or when. But even if she doesn't, you will have made tremendous strides in your life for yourself that will be of great value to you in the future.<p>terri

I agree with Terri.<p>I think it sounds like you're really making a lot of progress with your own addictions.<p>As for your wife, she has told you that she cannot forgive you, but she may have said that in anger. I don't know though. Only she knows.<p>So, your counselling is today?<p>Well, that's great that she has volunteered to come with you. She obviously still cares about you to agree to that. All hope may not be lost.<p>She probably won't tell you she loves you because she is trying to let go of loving you since loving you meant a lot of hurt for her in the past.<p>I wish you the best.<p>Don't give up. Time and patience are your key to winning her back, and don't push her. Whatever you do, don't push her towards you because she will only pull further away.

Well here's the lastest... <br>We met at the therapist monday afternoon. I saw her outside and tried to give her a kiss. But she pulled back. I got a sense that she perpared herself for this encounter. I told her I had something to show her before we went up. I pulled out a little pine box ( the box that I kept my weed in) and broke it in half then walked over to a garbage bag and thru it out. She did not say a word. Not even a facial reaction. We met with the therrapist and the next hour was my worst nightmare come true. <p>She made it very obivious that she wanted out. She said that she does love me a great deal and will love me forever but that she had fallen out of love. She repeated again that she was only 19 when we met. She said that she has finally met someone who makes her happy, herself. She can do what she want, when she wants and with whom she wants. For the first time she doesn't have to please anyone but herself. She repeated to the counsellor that she came to this session for me and not for her or us. She wants me to get my life back together and move on. She wants to remain great freinds, I am not a person that she ever wants to lose contact with. Because I am special to her. Alot more was said mostly on the same subject. I had a hard time listening and did not want to hear what was beening said. I know that my mind did wander off a few times to aviod the pain. she got up at the end of the meeting, I offered her a ride, she right out refused it. The therapisty asked me to stay behind so that we may talk. she left with a sad "goodbye" I had tears in my eyes.<br>The therapist found that this was a good session, and that I was right when I said (in a past session) that she has put up a wall. Well the therapist thinks that my wife needs that wall and that I must accept it. And that I must stay on the road to becoming a better me. Not to lose sight of what I had started. And that with any luck and real advancements on my part, that in three months my wife was going to go thru another change in her life. Her wall will come down. The question will be will I be want to be there. There was a lot to digest that day. I was basicly lost the rest of the day, I started wondering the streets in sub zero weather. Till about 9 pm. When all of a sudden all my childhood freinds started to call. One such freind called form Florida that I haven't seen or heard in close to a year. He had met another one of my close freind's wife in Florida and she told him about it. He asked me to go down there for a little while to get away from my suroundings and recharge my batteries. I need to focus on myself and figure out how I will go about to "continue on". He made alot of sense. <br>I decided to leave for about 10 days and gather myself up. At the same time I am made out to be a gentleman by allowing my wife to return to our apartment and box her stuff ather own pace. She will have access to my truck to help her with the move. And I will not be around to even be tempted to stop her. I think it's all for the best. I told her about my plans this morning and she agreed that, that just might be what I need. We still however have to get together to discuss the seperation of our stuff.<p>Any ideas on how to deal with this? (seperating our stuff) Am I doing the right thing by walking (or flying) away? How does one get there life back together? what are the first steps? to a healthier you? Will the pain ever go away? will she ever realize how much she truely loves me? My freinds who have gone thru this say, Yes. But that I must leave her alone for her to decide and see it for herself. The more I call her, the the harder it be for her. Do I have a chance at love again? Will I survive? Why do I feel Like my life is over at 31? <p>P.S. she is 25. If that makes a difference.<br>

Dear Vid:<p>god bless you! i understand your pain completely. i recently suffered thru 2 very painful counseling sessions, very similar to yours. My H said he was coming for me and for "closure". he also admitted to having feelings for someone at work.<p>i have been separated from him for a month. the worst month in my entire life. extreme pain. unimaginable to anyone who's never gone thru this.<p>i want you to know that every day is a struggle, but i am having more good moments than i was in the beginning. something that helped me tremendously is reading all the posts on "Other Topics". also, i started going to DivorceCare support groups (found it on the internet). i've cancelled our next marriage counseling session (WAY,WAY too painful for me), and i've scheduled myself with a different female counselor who specializes in grief work. i can't wait to begin. i'm looking forward to taking care of myself now. it has been a hard road,and i can plummet into a deep depression at any moment, but the groups and support from my friends has SAVED MY LIFE. please reach out to others. do not be alone. let us know how you are doing. focus on yourself. take care!

I have decided To leave for florida on saturday. My W will be moving back into our place to gather her stuff while I'm gone. I told to take what ever she wants. I have no need to argue or feel pain over furniture. Take it with my blessings. I might sound a little bitter but really I am not. I need to move on, and give her space and time. If this is what might bring her back then I am willing to try anything. She seemed to respect more since I told her of my plans to leave and let live. Please folks don't stop your replies. I will be verifying my emails and this site daily. It's guys like yourselfs from different posts along with a lot of support from my freinds and family that has allowed me to understand what she is feeling and what I must do. I have always said that there is only one person that can get things done, thats yourself. It's time I stop the tears and roll up my selves. I am good and people love me even my wife. I think that I am ready to look life right in the eyes. Enough already, I am emotionally drained. I need to go on so that she can start to figure out what she really wants. If I continue to grab at her she will never be able to forgive me. She must realize for herself and by herself what she wants and might lose. Her and her girlfreinds have always said there should be more men like me out there. It's time for her to rememeber what she had. Not what I became. I became alone and fell into a rut, I think everybody is allowed a mistake once in awhile. It took her 18 months to get where she is, it'll take her more then just a couple of weeks to come back. <p>This is the hardest thing I ever had to do. ( AND I'VE HAD FREINDS DIE IN MY ARMS) La vie continue!! Je suis fort. Like her favorite song says " I WILL SURVIVE!!"<p>

Hi, Vid!<p>Are you still away on vacation? <p>I think it's GREAT that you went away. Like you've already mentioned - she respects you for not stopping her.<p>When you come back, remember to give her the space she needs. <p>She will only come back to you if she feels that she really doesn't have to, but WANTS to. Don't pressure her. Don't call her. It will be VERY hard, but this is the ONLY way you'll have a chance at getting her back.<p>If you chase her and chase her, she'll never get to the point where she finds herself missing you - instead, she'll think you're obsessive.<p>This is going to be very hard, but you can do it!<p>Realize that what she is probably doing right now is thinking of herself. For 18 months she thought of you, and how to get you out of those nasty habits of doing drugs and lieing. She will naturally want to think only of herself now. She says she is not in love with you anymore because her needs were not met by you while you were together. But you probably CAN meet her needs if you really clean up your act. You can't really tell her this though. Not until she comes to you, ready to hear it.<p>Focus on yourself, and if it helps, think of her, and the possibility of your being together again.<p>Whoever this guy is she now cares for may be very giving to her, and may fulfill her, but you share her history, and she loves you as a person while she may only care for this guy.<p>Anyway, don't worry about him. <p>Think about yourself, and remember that no matter what happens, she does love you, and there may still be a chance in time.<p>Be patient. Good luck!