I really really really need someone's input! I don't know if I'm a wacko or if I married one. I am a 27-year-old female, who has been married one year. I have a 5-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband is 35-years-old and this is his second marriage. He has two daughters from his previous wife (ages 11 and 14). I am 7 months pregnant with our child together, a son. That's a quick background. Now the problem: My husband is the one who left his ex-wife and "broke up the family" after 15 years. He said his wife was verbally abusive to him, lazy, and that they had a terrible marriage. So he left. His daughters took it a lot harder than he expected, so now he's going through a lot of guilt.

That's where the fun begins. We have his daughters every other weekend and every Tuesday night. When they come over, they get WHAT they want, WHEN they want. They very much rule their dad. When conflicts arise, every single time he takes their side of the argument instead of backing up me, his wife. I would never expect anything of them that I wouldn't expect of my own children, but he doesn't expect anything of them. It's getting to the point that I don't want to come home when I know they'll be over. I'm starting to really resent them, and I don't want to be like that.

Example one: A couple weeks ago, his older daughter wanted $15 from us. We agreed to front her the money if she promised to mow the yard the following weekend. She agreed. That weekend came and she said, "No, it's too hot out, and I'm tired from playing basketball." Her dad said, "Okay, maybe the next time we have you over you can do it." That was a week away, and the grass really needed cut. I insisted that we had made a deal and she should follow through. I was nice, but firm. She burst into tears and grabbed the mower. The grass got cut, but my husband barely spoke to me the whole rest of the night.

Example two: When my husband and I first got married, we paid to get an expensive canvas portrait taken of us. My 5-year-old daughter lives with us, so she was in the picture. We thought about asking his daughters if they, too, wanted to be in the picture, but decided not to ask because they were still having a really hard time with the fact that their parents were divorced and dad was remarried. We decided it would do more harm than good, and they would probably say "no" anyway. Therefore, the picture has just the three of us in it. It hangs above our fireplace and has for over a year now. The other day I came home and it was missing. I asked my husband where it was. He sheepishly said he'd taken it down and put it in the closet because his daughters said it hurts their feelings. I was enraged at this! Why do they have so much power over us? I live in that house, I pay half the bills, don't I have the right to display a portrait of me with my husband and daughter? A huge fight ensued, and my husband kept trying to convince me understand how it must make them feel to see their dad with a woman who isn't their mom and a girl who isn't their sister. Maybe I'm a callous person, but I think they need to get over it. Please, someone...help!!!!

It is very difficult to mesh the families together. Your husband has to get over the guilt he feels about leaving their mother. They are only gonna get harder to deal with as they get older because they will have learned that they can walk all over their dad and get whatever they want. He has to be a father to them not a friend! Now with your 2 stories, I am taking different sides on each story. First the grass cutting, she made a deal and the deal needed to be kept, I agree with you on that. Second, the portrait, you need to see this from the girls point of view. When they see that portrait with their father, you and your daughter that makes them feel that they are not considered a part of the family and I can see how that would make them feel bad and you need to understand that too. Maybe you could get a new portrait with all of you once the new baby comes. You have to include them in family things otherwise they are going to resent you and that will cause a heap of trouble.

You and your husband need to sit down and calmly discuss this situation. Don't interupt while he is talking and vice versa. Really listen to each others point of view and try to understand where each other is coming from. If it starts to get heated then stop until you both calm down and have time to think about things and then go back to the discussion again later. Respect each others feelings and don't try to make it a your wrong and I'm right type of thing. Read the Dr. Harley's basic concepts.

Good luck to you!
Jade