My first question is, what does he think of Ellen G. White? In my experience with Adventists (as an evangelical Christian) those who insist that White was a prophet are much harder to deal with than those who put the Bible first and foremost, and don't read the Scripture through the grid of White's "interpretations."
The reason I think this may be important is that his view of his authority is distorted, according to Scripture. He is required, not to make you submit, but to love you as Christ loved the church (any of you guys care to be crucified today?) My observation of E.G. White followers (as opposed to those who stand on the Scripture alone) is that they are harder to break from legalistic beliefs such as this.
I was never the overt controller that your husband seems to be, based on your post. But I had my issues, and some of them were based on misapplications of Scriptural truth, such as your husband's attitude about wifely submission.
When I realized that I was not responsible for changing my wife but rather was responsible for submitting myself to Jesus for sanctification, it was a moment of real change in my marriage. As one Promise Keepers speaker put it, "I'm not going to let my wife outserve me!" I took that to heart and decided that my wife was not going to be my slave, but that I would take the lead in serving her. That is what Biblical headship is about, not about forcing someone to bend to your will.
There are a couple of books I have read regarding controlling behavior that may be of help. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is good, as is a book by Tim Kimmel called Powerful Personalities. And when it comes to defining workable boundaries for your marriage relationship, MB is the place to start, IMHO.
And read your Bible. If you've never gotten into it, try it, asking God to open your eyes to understand it. Your husband is acting out a lie. You fight the lie with truth--the truth of the Scripture.
mag
<small>[ January 25, 2003, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: middleagedguy ]</small>