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#62618 01/22/03 07:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 6
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Sue C. Offline OP
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Posts: 6
When my husband and I married over a year ago, it was with the understanding and agreement (or so I thought) that we would be equal partners in marriage. Now, after months of arguments, I have discovered that the underlying and very basic disagreement is this: my husband is a Seventh Day Adventist and believes quite literally in the Bible when it says that men are the lords of their homes and that wives must be submissive to their husbands.

He says we do have a 50/50 marriage, except when a decision needs to be made right away or when we disagree - then he will make the decision because he's the man. He clearly believes that being the man makes him superior and dominant.

We were reading "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" in an effort to learn how to resolve conflict and it was helping us, until he began laughing at the Policy of Joint Agreement. He said that no matter what it says in the book, he believes the Bible and the Bible says he is the boss. I absolutely, definitely, will not accept this. I won't be controlled, manipulated, bullied, or degraded. I need to be able to discuss and come to joint agreements with my husband, but it seems impossible with the position he is taking. (He says I can talk about anything with him, as long as it isn't something petty or stupid that will make him mad. Of course I never know what will make him mad until after he throws his tantrum.)

This situation does not seem to have a resolution! He is adamant that he is the boss, and I will not stay in a marriage that does not respect me as an equal partner. We are separated now, seeing each other often and trying to work on the marriage as we do still love each other, but he prefers to bury his head in the sand and not discuss any of the problems.

Does anyone have any ideas about how to resolve this seemingly unresolvable problem?

#62619 01/25/03 12:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 58
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My first question is, what does he think of Ellen G. White? In my experience with Adventists (as an evangelical Christian) those who insist that White was a prophet are much harder to deal with than those who put the Bible first and foremost, and don't read the Scripture through the grid of White's "interpretations."

The reason I think this may be important is that his view of his authority is distorted, according to Scripture. He is required, not to make you submit, but to love you as Christ loved the church (any of you guys care to be crucified today?) My observation of E.G. White followers (as opposed to those who stand on the Scripture alone) is that they are harder to break from legalistic beliefs such as this.

I was never the overt controller that your husband seems to be, based on your post. But I had my issues, and some of them were based on misapplications of Scriptural truth, such as your husband's attitude about wifely submission.

When I realized that I was not responsible for changing my wife but rather was responsible for submitting myself to Jesus for sanctification, it was a moment of real change in my marriage. As one Promise Keepers speaker put it, "I'm not going to let my wife outserve me!" I took that to heart and decided that my wife was not going to be my slave, but that I would take the lead in serving her. That is what Biblical headship is about, not about forcing someone to bend to your will.

There are a couple of books I have read regarding controlling behavior that may be of help. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is good, as is a book by Tim Kimmel called Powerful Personalities. And when it comes to defining workable boundaries for your marriage relationship, MB is the place to start, IMHO.

And read your Bible. If you've never gotten into it, try it, asking God to open your eyes to understand it. Your husband is acting out a lie. You fight the lie with truth--the truth of the Scripture.

mag

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: middleagedguy ]</small>


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