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Joined: Sep 2001
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Well I'm going through the whole divorce process it seems like it's never going to end. I posted a while back on here. But just a brief summary of what has happened up to this point. My ex husband left me 2 weeks before i gave birth to our son and moved to another state without telling me, and cleaned out our entire checking/savings account and forwarded the mail he left me nothing. Well he is in another state and our son is now 16 1/2 months old. He has an attorney to handle all his work and I am unable to get legal aid and have to do everything pro bono. It's so overwhelming dealing with everything pertaining to this divorce and trying to work full time and raise our son in a dysfunctional household as well. I feel like i'm ready to have a nervous break down.

My ex has given me nothing no money what so ever until oct of this year. The attorney he hired is with a big law firm so it's really hard to fight against someone that is more experienced in the situation. I know nothing and I know everything i'm agreeing to is less than i would normally get if i had an attorney. But i just want everything to end it's to painful. The attorney said i will not get more than 500 a month that includes daycare which is 400 and split 50/50. The thing that really bothers me the most isn't the money but the way my ex husband is treating his role as a parent. He has only seen our son 3 times in his life and wasn't there for his birth. He doesn't call me to ask how he is doing and he doesn't send presents on the holidays ...I'm the one that sends the pictures. Any time i've tried to call him because it's an emergency regarding our son he will not answer the phone and if he does he tells me not to call again. My ex hasn't had any contact with our son or me since may of this year his attorney is the one telling me what his side is ect..

I can't help but to get upset and cry anytime i talk to his attorney. Because his absence in our son's life is going to affect our son one day. I know this because my father did the same thing my ex is doing and my ex's father did the same thing to him abandoned his mother and him.It's really painful for me to see fathers with their children i get tears in my eyes anytime i see a man loving his child and being there for them. I don't know how to deal with all this..IT's almost been 2 years and it seems like everything is getting more and more painful.

I'm having a difficult time being a mom to my baby because of all this pain i'm feeling.And i don't know how to change any of this i just want to give up..

Joined: Nov 2002
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I had tears in my eyes when I read your post. Please don't give up, for the sake of your beautiful child, but I can only imagine how difficult your struggle must be. You are a VERY strong person, take pride and solace in that. I know there must be days when you just want to pull the covers over your head, but don't let the jerk (and that is a VERY KIND word) win...you're bigger and better than that and you prove it everyday. I'm praying for you and cheering you on!! Please continue to post and let me and all the other wonderful people gathered here know how you're doing. I care.

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Don't give up. I know it seems hopeless at times--but it will get better. It is just hard to see that now.

You have a wonderful opportunity with your child right now...try to enjoy it. I know it is hard being a single parent. Vent here, get advice here--there are wonderful people here that will help you get through this horrible time of your life.

It is hard to conceive how people can do this to their kids--but they do--and it is their loss. Enjoy this time with your little one--and let him go. My prayers are with you and your little one. Pat

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JC's Mommy,

Just wanted to let you know I will hold you up in prayer. What a nightmare to live thru at a time in your life that should be blissfully happy! So sorry to hear of your heartache.

There is NO understanding of the cruelty/selfishness of others besides bad old-fashioned sin. I can think of no other explanation for one human being to treat another (and their OWN child!) so callously. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Don't forget that. You are doing your best, and coping with an incredibly difficult situation. Pat yourself on the back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and hang in there. You can do it and you will. Vent all you need to here and if need be, try out other methods of stress release. Do you have friends or relatives you can confide in? A pastor or counsellor you can talk to? Journalling really helps me, and physical exercise is also good to relieve stress. Prayer of course is always good. Allow God to work in your heart and mind, and leave your fears and stresses with Him over, and over, and over, as often as you need to. He is ALWAYS there, and will never! desert you.

Wish I could be of some 'practical' help for you, but know I will pray for you. Please take care of yourself, and nurture your spirit as best you can. Your little boy needs you and I'm sure he's the joy of your life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Enjoy him as much as possible; before you know it, he'll be grown up. Remember always that you are God's precious daughter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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((((((((((((JC's Mommy)))))))))))

JC is very lucky to have you as a mommy, and one day he'll be able to really appreciate it.

Yes, being the single mom is the pits!

Is there any group around where you are like Parents Without Partners that you could go to to maybe get some information about places that other single parents go to get help?

Usually the court has someone to help with family cases or sometimes the local Bar Association has attorneys that do pro bono work or a program that you can take advantage of to assist with your legal proceedings. My Bar Association does - you just have to call, and sometimes they even have programs where you can have an initial consultation with an attorney for $25 or a reduced rate.

It is very frustrating to be going through what you are and I wish I had more ways to help. You know that even if your son's father isn't around, you can try and find him some other good male roles models to be in his life - family, friends, teacher, Bid Buddy program, maybe some men from a church group.

Also be thankful that his father wasn't there at 6 weeks wanting to have him half the time. I don't know what is worse, not having the father around or having the father around too much - especially if the father was a WS.

Remember to keep asking God for strength because He has plenty to give to those who need it.

I hope that things start to look up for your soon. K

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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
Divorce is hard enough!
I heard a discussion on Christian radio awhile back about situations as yours. The studies have shown that one GOOD mother is better for the child than a good mother and a bad father or father figure in their life. They stated that a parent that really loves their child can do a better job with raising a happy well adjusted child alone than with a bad partner.
They advised that in the event when one parent is completely absent from raising the child and not in their life at all to not put down the absent parent to the child, but speak of them only when asked and to try to say something possitive so the child does not feel "like a bad seed".
My Aunt raised three children and was completely abandoned when she was pregnant with the third child. She never saw him again. She was a good christan woman and her kids turned out better than average.
In many ways the way you describe your estranged husband's behavior, your son may be better off not knowing him-atleast right now. Seeing him once in awhile may make him feel more rejected than not knowing him at all. You sound like you absolutely adore him and he is fortunate to have a good mommy!
I'm sure its hard to see your little son and wonder how your husband can even want to miss out on this. Someday he will have many regrets.
Your son will know who was there for him. Remember, what you are doing and going through now will make a big differance to your son when he is old enough to understand.Motherhood is very rewarding.
I commend you for doing such a good job! You are in my prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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An outstanding divorce site is divorceonline.com.

They can help with your legal and emotional issues.

It was recommended to me on these boards.

I wish I could fix it for you..

Your ex defies description..

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 03:59 AM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>

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sweety,
where do you live, maybe we could offer you a little more than just emotional support. if y ou don't mind my asking. Babies are a big adjustment. Do you have any support.???

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jc's_Mommy:
[QB]Well I'm going through the whole divorce process it seems like it's never going to end.

Dear Jc's Mommy,

In your heart you feel that you have lost a great deal. From the outside it appears to me at least that someone is doing you and you child a great favor. Im reminded of the Garth Brooks song.."Thank God For Unanswered Prayer".

Best advice I can give you right now is to concentrate on you! Start over! Get the legalities out of the way...and no matter the result ...you can and will be able to start again. On your own and for yourself and your child.

Im 46....Ive had to start from the begining twice now....Its depressing...but only for a while. I know I can do it...and I know you can too. Force yourself to smile and it will become habit and the feeling will become real.

Keep feeling your way thru the tunnel of despair..always move forward ...there is light ahead...I promise.

Take good care of yourself and keep posting.

Love and Light,

Randy

Joined: Oct 2001
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Know how you feel. My son and I were thrown out of our home a week and a half before Christmas last year. He is successful businessman who has alot more money than I and I am doing all I can legally.

If anyone here has good legal advice for our hurting friend here, please post and reply. She is really needing it.

My prayers and love are with you and your precious child. God is always near, please do not forget that. Keep fighting the good fight and stand tall for your little one. They know who is there for them.

God bless you. We are here for you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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I don't want to sound like a looser or that I'm feeling sorry for myself for posting on this site. But i'm at the point where each day is getting worse and I'm loosing the battle and I really don't know if i'm strong enough to handle any of this anymore.

You asked me if I have a support group of family or friends. No I don't I live right now with a family member who is very very abusive verbally everyday. He tells me from morning to night how much of a worthless person I am and how much I'm no good and not going to make it. He tells me if it wasn't for the baby he would put me out on the street and be homeless. I've lived here since I had to move out of my apt when my ex left me and my son. I really am scared to leave this place where i'm living because i have no confidence that i will make it at all. I feel all the things I'm told on a daily basis. And to top it all off None of the other family members which are my mother she is the worst of all..She constantly is trying to get me kicked out of my uncles. And she tells me everyday how much of a horrible parent I am. I Hate her so much, SOOOOOOOOOOO much she is trying to control everything in my life I'm not even raising my own son. I have no say in anything. She is a mean hurtful person..She lies, and steals money from me all the time. I have never been able to trust her. She has never been a good mother to me. And she is very abusive verballly as well. On top of that she has schitzofrania??sorry about the spelling if i spelled that wrong..She has these insane mood swings happy one minute sad the next and then crying and it all starts over again. She drinks, gambles and does everything possible including she has an addiction to perscription pain killers that make her go psychotic if she doesn't have any pills left..She is always sick with something.

Anyway..I'm going insane ANd i don't know if i should just give my son to his father because i'm ruining his life right now. I'm to afraid to ask for help from anyone because of the hurt In the past from my family and my ex husband so i try and stay to myself.I don't konw how to be friends with people anymore, I have to much going on and I know people wouldn't really want to be bothered with the mess i have right now..HELP ME..I"m only 25 and i'm drowning in pain and hurt everyday..All i want is love, and support and be able to be a good mom to my son. I love my family but i just can't understand why the take everything out on me. I have no energy to fight back so i just take it all in like a sponge and absorb it. I'm targeted by my family I think because i don't know how to stand up to them and stand up for myself when i feel just as worthless as they say i am. I don't want to raise my son like i was raised with the abuse. I don't want to go on like this i really can't take it much longer..By the way i'm in northern california

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((((( Jc's Mommy )))))

Go and find your phone book and yellow pages. Now look up information under "Women's Shelters". Get info from them, meet with them, let them help you to get OUT from where you live now, and have a safe environment for you and your precious little boy.

It's harder to get out of a situation if it's "just" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> emotional abuse (I know, I'm trying to do that). But if your life has been threatened, if you legitimately fear for the safety of yourself and your son, then tell the appropriate people, so they can help you a.s.a.p.

I understand that counselling is very expensive, and so it isn't always an option right away. However, there are numerous agencies out there that offer FREE counselling and support. Find them, please! (((((((((Jc's Mommy)))))))) Call local churches, community centres, telephone hotlines, etc. They can't help you unless you ask for it.

You are NOT worthless. You are IMPORTANT!! You mean the world to Jc, and to us here at MB too. NEVER let your family try to convince you otherwise!! You have endured so much pain, and you're still here to tell your story. That's gotta say SOMETHING about your character. It tells me, that you're a SURVIVOR!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please, keep us posted. We'll be here to help you as much as we can.

Karen

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I have a friend who is single by choice... I just met her, but what an incredible woman. She says she cannot imagine having a relationship. Her and her daughter, who is such a nice little girl are quite happy together. The daughter does ask about her dad and she tells her that she does not have a dad, but she does have many male role models in her life. I don't know if this is helping you, but I guess what my point is, is it all depends on what you tell your child. This little girl has not been told anything negative.

As for keeping in contact with your ex, why are you doing all the work? Sending pictures? Why? My lawyer told me that I was "not responsible" for maintaining the relationship between the children and the ex. Just like the ex is not responsible for maintaining the relationship that I have with my sons. As hard as it is, I think you should stop all correspondence. If he wants interaction with you and your son, he knows where to find you. I know, this sounds mean, but this is about surrendering to the things that you cannot control. And you cannot create that relationship. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I pray that you find peace. You deserve it. Hang in there.

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Hi JC's mom,

YOu have been given some great advice. If you can get into a shelter, they will be able to help you get on your feet and be strong again.

Follow the adice on trying to get a lawyer. You need it. Can your county go after him for child support and daycare? I know in my state, you can. Before my H and I married, we split up, because of an OW. I went to the county, paid a small fee, they garnished his paycheck and assessed his porton of daycare. They took the childsupport and added into my income, looked at our incomes and determined who paid how much by what we both had coming in. My income with the child support put me aliitle above him, I paid 55% of the daycare and he paid 45% of the daycare. I think his attorney is trying to screw you. You need legal help.

Do you make too much to qualify for any county aid? DAycare assistance, housing assistance, food stamps. If you can get housing assistance, you can move out of your uncle's. Usually if you get county aid, they will help you get what you should also.

Is there a law school near you. Maybe they have something available to give you affordable legal help. You really should not be doing this alone.

I really feel that if you go about this alone, you will not get what you should with regards to child support and day care. He must have a pretty good income if the attorney is wanting you to take 400 for child support, however 100 towards daycare is not enough.

Don't let the attorney reduce you to tears. Right now you are emotionally wore down, and he is taking advantage of that. You are living in a verbally abusive environment, which is wearing you down. At this point it would be easy for your STBX attorney take advantage of your emotional state.

How would your son be better off with his father? He walked out before you son was born. A real father would not have done that. If he wanted to be a father, he would have seen him more.

Who is providing medical and dental coverage for your son? If it is you, then STBX should be covering the deductable or co-pays. If both of you have coverage, then you want to be reimbursed for 1/2 the deductble or co-pay. My H was told he had to pay 1/2, but I didn't enforce it. I should have.

I don't know if these links will be useful to you. I did a search on child support califonia

http://www.custody911.com/nf_custody_child_support.htm
http://www.family-law.freeadvice.com/

I got the impression that this organization enforces child support and assess child support - you might see if they have suggestions for you. the Division of Child Support Enforcement.

I'm not an attorney, but I think if you go through them for support, if what you are getting does not meet state guidelines, they will raise it - It would be something to ask.

This one didn't impress me - but I'm including it
http://www.thebestlegalservices.com/

This one looks like it is the state official website for the Department that enforces child support

http://www.childsup.cahwnet.gov/

They won't be able to help you with a divorce, but they might be able to help you out in the child support issue.

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

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((((((JC&#8217;S Mommy)))))

How&#8217;s that saying go &#8220;When you hit bottom there no way to go but up&#8221;? Actually I don&#8217;t know that I believe that saying because at times in my life when I thought I was on bottom something came along and knocked me down lower. But one thing that I&#8217;ve learned through my school at &#8220;The Institute of Hard Knocks&#8221; is that when you perceive hopelessness than your expectations will be met.

I also know that when you&#8217;re standing in a pit of despair looking to the top trying to figure out how to get out it may seem impossible, with all these issues and all these problems. Now is the time to focus. Focus on each individual issue. Write down each individual problem. Then brainstorm on how to overcome that single obstacle. The journey out of the pit of despair begins with stepping onto the first rung of the ladder and then slowly and methodically continuing to the top. Along the way there will be times that you will fall back a couple rungs and again break down the issues and continue striving for your goal. However, in order to reach a goal, we must first establish exactly what our goal is going to be. Then we must find all the obstacles and formulate plans to overcome each.

One more quick thought. The day that I hit ROCK BOTTOM emotionally I went out for a walk. My walk ended up taking about 4 hours with a lot of conversation with the man upstairs. The whole WOE is ME speech. When I returned home I physically wrote down every little thing in my life that was not as I wanted it to be. I can&#8217;t remember but lets say that my list was 90 items. I looked at each item and whether or not I could &#8220;CHANGE&#8221; or &#8220;CONTROL&#8221; that item. By the time I was finished I found out that I could only control or change about 10% of my perceived problems. I worked up a plan to attack those, stumbling many times along the way. And for the other 90%, I prayed and eventually the burden was lifted.

So what are the obstacles that are keeping you from taking your first step:

One is obviously the living arrangements.
Another is the financial aspect.
Another is an attorney.

So if you&#8217;d like too, let&#8217;s start brainstorming&#8230;&#8230;

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers


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