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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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hi harold, thanks so much for your prayers and your support... i am doing okay today. this is day 5 that i ahve not talked to him... i decided not to even respond to his last correspondance... i just thought of how he talked to me on friday and then on monday, 1st thing in the morning, he sent me that nasty email... forget it... i decided that i don't need to respond to such bitterness, resentment and vile verbage... i just haven't responded at all... it's kinda hard, especially since i will be in Cali this weekend and i know it will really be hard to not contact him...but i'm gonna do it... i'm gonna stand and be strong... i know i can cause i am a child of God and, "I can do all things through Christ who stregthens me"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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(((((((((((((((((((((((kim))))))))))))))))))
I have been away from the boards for a while, and I had not read this thread until today. I am sooo sorry that things aren't going well.
Sauron is right about doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. I think both you and X are doing this. It is time to do something different.
Plan B, I think, is the order of the day. Okay, he says for the bazzillionth time he wants nothing to do with you. So let him see what that is like. REALLY like. Do not call, as he will surely be expecting you to do, in fact do NOTHING that he expects you to do. Leave him be, let him see how it is without you writing, sending emails, good or bad ones, calls, knowing you are always in the background. He needs to know, and RIGHT NOW, what it is like without Kim in his world.
I truly believe your X is afraid of losing you, and this is why I am suggesting a really hard line Plan B. Let him get afraid some more. Hard for you I know, but sometimes Plan B is a saving grace for us because we do not get so hurt when we don't have contact and confusing signals etc etc.
I am here for you sis, just had a few black issues myself lately...I have tried to email you a few times this week, but the msn addy doesn't work...weird, cos when you emailed me that is the addy you use! Can you write to me again if your email addy has changed?
Love and light,
Jacky
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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OMG... did it ever suck... i went back to cali for thanksgiving... i wish i would have just stayed at home...
i guess i went there with an underlying agenda. even though i didn't believe in my heart that things would be different, i hoped they would...
i think i have spoken too much death into my marriage and the possiblity of reconcilliation...i know that the bible says that we, "are to speak forth those things as if they were" and that "death and life are in the power of the tongue"... i am so negetive and have displayed little, if any faith as far as restoration and reconcilliation is concerned...
my ex didn't come around on TG... he said we weren't getting along and he didn't want any drama. it wasn't we. it's him... he's the one not getting along...i called him later that evening and told him loved him... he responded with an "okay"...
then on friday he was hating me again... he avoided my calls all day and when he finally did take my call he was exceedingly nasty... said he didn't want to talk to me, he was done... but i thought he had already made it clear he was done the friday prior to that??? he was screaming at me and finnaly hung up the phone. said he didn't even want to be cordial with me... said there was no point... OMG, he devastated me... i kept asking him what did i do and he said there was not point in discussing it...
to me that was a little strange, because he has never missed an opportunity to point out what i did wrong. even though he has nothing new to discuss... so, if i "really" did do somehting he at least had something newer than the affair i had 2+ years ago, while we were seperated...
but no, he doesn't want to talk about it... i'm believeing that i did nothing... i'm believing that he just wanted to hurt me. i know he spent the entire day in bed at his dad's on TG, so i don't think it's another woman, but one never knows...(maybe she was there in bed with him)... but he'll never admmitt it especially since he wants to constantly make me the bad guy and ignore his affairs, lies, etc...
i am going crazy here... i did call him and i did e-mail him... but this is the last one for a while. i don't believe he will even reply or even read it for that matter... u r right jacky, i need to implement plan b right away... no matter what the outcome i believe it will be God's will...
u know what they say, "let something go... if it comes back then its yours and if it doesn't, it never was!!!"
p.s. jacky, my e-mail address hasn't changed. i even tried to IM u one night when i was on, but u didn't answer...
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okay here it is... ex's last e-mail to me... tell me that God can fix this... I know He can...i just need the grace to wait and the faith to stand...
here it is for the last time. i am fed up with your negative judgemental opinions about me (and my friends). i'm fed up with you playing god and evaluating my walk with the Lord, my relationship with my pastor, and the motivations or reasoning behind everything i do. i have come to a conclusion, to which you can now NEVER change my mind, and that conclusion is, the basics of what it takes to have any relationship we lost. you insult my character, my integrity, my spirituality, trust and loyalty. those basics are forever smashed.
i'm sick of trying to prove myself to you, because you have shown me time and time again that NO amount of trying or talking will ever change this. and for you to kick c and call me holier than thou was the last damn straw. it was so hypocritical, yet typical of your behavior. you been judging and evaluting every body's walk ever since you got saved. well, i will no longer let what you think keep me paralyzed in my problems. i will no longer seek your approval or feedback, because i never get the apporval and the feedback is ALWAYS negative. i have spent so much of my life seeking your approval, and what the f&*$ has it gotten me. NOTHING!
so, the bottom line is, we have nothing to talk about. i'll send yo money every month and handle ALL my responsibilities, but i will not have your constant negativity in my life any longer. this is not some phase, or something that will blow over in a few days, i'm totally done with you. i can see no reason to continue to interact with you and you have done nothing to give me any reason to believe that we can even be friends. friends don't talk to each other the way you talk to me.
the day after thanksgiving i lit into my dads [censored], cause i'm tired of the hatred, the bitterness, the blaming and finger pointing. so, i could be homeless soon, but i will no longer turn from unGodly insensitive behavior and not speak up because it might cause me some discomfort. i want peace in my soul with God.
i'm tired of going to church every week and reading and praying and staying in this fuc&%ed up condition with fuc$%ed people in fuc&^ed up relationships, because i allow the opinions of selected others (like you) to determine my success and happiness.
i'm tired of being held hostage by my past through others who ain't helping me get into a better future.
i'm tired of humilating myself for people who are never happy or satisfied and ain't ever gonna be.
i'm tired of being involved with people who think that everybody else has to change instead of focusing on themselves ONLY without commenting, justifying or accusing!
i'm tired of giving the best i got and having my best thrown back at me and being told (or made to feel) it ain't good enough. maybe it ain't but its the best i got.
so, i don't want your e-mails, your jokes, your inspirational messages, your poems, none of dat shi&! keep it!
i don't want your pages, your phone calls, your text messages, NOTHING!
get you someone else to lord over, constantly critisize and tear down.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
i just don't understand why he acts like i have done all the hurting and he is blameless. he says i act like a change within me is not necessary, but the truth is it's him that thinks he needs no change... he has hurt me, emotionally, financially, physically, and verbally and yet i have always continued to forgive him... why is he so unforgiving and so unloving... what happened to my being his best friend???
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by idostylin: [quote]i am so sick of my ex telling me how hard it is for him, yet he makes no attempt to change it. if something is hard on you or sad for you, and you have the power to change it, WOULDN'T YOU!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> what a load of crap. he has no desire to change anything and he can't possibly be feeling what he says he's feeling. men answer me this. if he is so sad without his family why won't he come back? if he loves me why is he still out with every other floozy that crosses his path? what??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I heard the same words for many months. This is my fourth season without ex in my life and the first being divorced (finale 09-30-02) I too am kind of sad, but keep trying to remember the positives in my life. My kids, a new grandbaby, I have sole custody of my son, I went back to school and only have two units until I can graduate and move on to a four year university. So I HAVE moved on, but still ache for the world I once had of a loving marriage with a wonderful man. Letting go of the illusion of who he was has been hard, dealing with what he is now is the reality. Until the words and actions are in sync , they are only empty words. We can all change if we want it bad enough...Sorry to say your ex doesn't....so now is the time to make life better for yourself. Maybe when he sees you can go on without HIM...he won't want you to. If he never sees it, then look at how far you will have already traveled... God Bless Tyra
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sauron: <strong>Lord, may you bless and keep Kim safe under your love. May you hold her and give her comfort and wisdom during this very difficult time in her life. Please heal her hurting heart. Speak to her husband's heart and bring him to an awakening of the truth and for that truth to return him back to a loving relationship with Kim. Please hear this prayer, O Lord. In your Holy Name I pray this, Amen. (Harold) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks for the prayer... it made me cry that someone thought to pray for me... and really blessed me... me and my duaghter went out to a family christmas party and then went and played taboo and scattagories until one o'clock this morning... and i didn't wake up until 10:30 this morning... so, i didn't make it to church... some sunday's i just can't motivate myself to go to church... i get so depressed... i just want to lay in the bed... i feel that depression really starting to hit me now... at first i was having the usual insomnia... now i can't wake up... OMG... i don't want to go through this... i just wish i could wake up in the morning and it be january 5... i can't even imagine no christmas and no new years without him... we had the best new years last year... we didn't do anything, but we were together and we were happy and we had fun... now, i'm juat trying to get my daughter to be able to go to cali so she can have a happy holiday... i don't want her to be here with me like this... today is not a good day...
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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harold thank you... you don't know how your words have encouraged me... i am barely making it here... even my daughter said that she doesn't want to leave me for the holiday season... she said, "cuz your crazy, and i have to watch you!" but i'm sending her away anyway. i don't want her to have a bad holiday,because of me... i know what you mean about it not feeling like christmas. we won't decorate or anything either..neither me or my roommate are in the spirit... but i know Jesus is the reason for the season and i will not forget to praise Him... even in the midst of my anguish... we have to "count it all joy" don't we??? it is kinda cold, but it's a crisp, clean kinda cold. not bad at all... nothing a coat and some gloves can't handle... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i am very sad, but i am blessed to have e-friends like you and jacky and other mb ppl... i am praying for you and your family too... God bless you... love kim... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Quote:
The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
This must be the reason WHY so many BS's find it hard to actually hate their WS's, despite everything that they have done...who WANTS to be just like a WS?
Sis, have you got a counsellor?
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no... i can't afford that right now... i did join a church but i haven't gotten close to anyone there... i am basically just floating along day to day, hoping my life will change...
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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peace and love 2 you and yours harold...
i have made arrangements with my ex to bring my d out there for christmas. today he wrote me that he cares about my happiness... what!!! i think he needs to be in the "nuthouse" he is manic or bipolar for sure... i have kept it totally business. no i love you's no emptional tyraids, didn't even respond when he asked me what was wrong because i lost my voice...
now he's being nice. i probably call him with more business than i really need to. i just can't not call. but i can manage to keep it short and detached. i feel better now... it still hurts, i still love him, but i "MUST" let go... move on... heal... recover... so i can be ready when God brings a the one into my life... God bless you harold... peace and love...
kim...
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>
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