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#745673 03/08/03 11:56 AM
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This is a question Resiliant and I ponder. I know we have too much time discussing relationships, but bear with me.

I dont mean to single out anyone personally, but how come so many people came back to post how they are now happy, and recovering, and getting a divorce, and life couldnt be better, and you just know the next line is going to be, Oh and I met someone.

Do you think people just are not happy unless they are in a realtionship? Do they feel that they were rejected in the marriage and having someone takes the sting out of that? Is out society so couple oriented that people dont feel they are doing well until they are part of a couple? Does having a new relationship help you to take that final step of letting go?

It just makes me wonder because it is so common. I dont think I have ever seem anyone come back with the same message, without that line at the end.

Hey Jo, I stole your topic.

#745674 03/08/03 03:29 PM
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No worries, Lora.

It is uncanny tho, Hon. I've been hanging out here so long and we see time and time again where a BS posts a post telling us how they have finally moved on and found happiness. There's even some that say how they NOW see how their marriage was so flawed and needed to end .. and then that inevitable line appears that states "and oh, BTW .. I met someone".

Before that they were struggling with forgiveness, they were working on themselves, trying to get thru the hurt and betrayal. Then POOF, they are happy ..... but only after they met someone.

So, I pose the same question. Is this really healing? I really want to know because I have met someone that has a similar mindset, he thinks I need to get involved with him in order to heal from the betrayal and find my happiness.

Like Lora, I'm not trying to single anyone out. Lora and I have talked about this so much. I'd really like to know what MB thinks about the idea that it seems people don't feel happiness post-betrayal until they have found someone to replace their ex.

Jo

#745675 03/08/03 04:00 PM
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Lora & resillent,

Very good question. I have been thinking about this topic as well.

I can't answer other people but here's how I feel.

I went through the worse time of my life through my divorce. It seemed that everything I knew before wasn't even real any more. I don't think I was healthy enough to even date.

Now, two years after my ex left and 5 years after I realized my marriage was ending, I am finally feeling good about myself and my life again.

People at work have commented lately that they see a glow about me. I have always been a cheerful person but even with that friends are noticing a difference in me, and it's not a man, because there's no one special in my life.

I've dated, but I am not "in love" or dating anyone I know is that right person yet, but I have this excitement about my new life, that is kind of undescribable.

Of course, not every day is full of happiness, but every day is a better day for me.

I don't know if this will make sense, but I think because I am starting to really be happy that it draws people to me.

There is one thing I still think is missing and that is that close relationship between a husband and a wife.

Adam had the whole world at his hand and yet God understood Adam was missing something; a partner.

So, as for me, yes I am happy being alone, but no I do not think I am totally fulfilled in my happiness, I think there is more to come. I think the last piece of my puzzle is the man I can spend the rest of my life with.

I also think that when people start getting to this point of "getting it all back together" that often that will be the time someone special will come in to their lives, because others see this as well.

c'ya'll and good luck with finding answers.

ANNA

#745676 03/08/03 04:16 PM
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Interesting question, Lora. I'm divorced (almost, papers signed) and it wasn't due to infidelity on any of our parts. We grew apart really fast. REALLY fast. And W left me, not the other way around.

ANYWAY...instead of moning into an apartment myself, I share a house with sme friends and yeah, I'm actually dating a lot, even though we've only been separated eight months. We were married almost three years.

I miss my W tremendously, but know the R is a goner. She has changed drasticaly. At 38, I'm really not much different than I've ever been.
I'm evolving, but not changing.

I tell you one thing, the ratpack of friends I have, and many of them are new, have been like a big old communal family to me. My home, as hectic as it is, is more familyish than it ever was with my W and I. I spent my married years alone much of the time as W was stressed, tired, compulsively working, upset, depressed, bored, or just plain angry.

And I'm not necessarily WITH anyone at all, now. There is a trickle turning into a very small stream of women coming into my life that make me feel loved and worthwhile.

So yeah, maybe I count in your observance. I don't really think of it as anything but back to life as it used to be. I don't want it this way. But it has to be this way.

#745677 03/08/03 07:29 PM
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I think the new connections are a critical part of the "new happiness". Whether it's monogomous or serial ( ie dating).

I've thought about this question most of the day. Most of my online time is spent on an outstanding divorce board. One mantra is "learn to be happy alone".

Well ok, but the pattern seems to be that the validation and experience of ourselves we're looking for at the conclusion of our marriges comes with these new connections.

There doesn't seem to be any substitutes, imho.

I also consider those folks very lucky. I try not to be envious...

#745678 03/08/03 08:41 PM
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xxx

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

#745679 03/08/03 08:51 PM
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For the first time ever on MB, I think I'll throw in some philosophical words.... actually, it's sociological. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That's right... society SCREAMS "coupledom" at us. How many commercials or t.v. shows are all about singles going out by themselves? None that I've seen. And if it's a bunch of people (pick your sex, men or women)... what are they likely talking about? The opposite sex, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Okay, yes, I am triggering regarding this issue a LOT lately, because I'm lonely. But what I'm actually lonely for could be fulfilled by just about any adult. I've promised myself that I don't want to fall into what society is "expecting" me to do. And quite honestly... I really am a LOT happier without my M right now.

Irregardless... just take a look at the media. Pick any time of day, and watch tv for, I dunno... 20 minutes? 10? Whatever length of time you want probably.. and you'll find the same theme of "coupledom".

Yes, there ARE exceptions. For example, "Oprah" concentrates much of her programming on finding our inner selves, and focusing on our spirit. And I can't think of too many kids shows (pre school) that portray coupledom and/or marriage. It's just a non-issue. Everybody is "friends" with everybody else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm far too tired to argue this properly, and I do hope that someone else will chime in on the subject, and be able to word it more eloquently <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But my point is, I believe that society expects us to be in an intimate partnership with someone (usually of the opposite sex; but times they are a changin'! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). So for those of us who don't fit into that "category" (yet???), we can feel rather left out, and less "normal" perhaps?

Karen

#745680 03/08/03 08:58 PM
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I can't help but think of Diane Warrack. One of the most successful, if not the most successful love song writer in this age; and yet the main television interview on her focused on how she has never been married and doesn't have a special man in her life.

ANNA

#745681 03/08/03 09:20 PM
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Yes i am very happy alone.. It just makes life better when you have someone to chare the happiness with..

Hopes this make sence.

#745682 03/08/03 10:12 PM
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I am happy. Happier than I have been in several yrs, in fact I get happier ever day & there is NO ONE nor is there likely ever to be. I like me.

Now sometimes I get lonely. It seems most of my friends drifted away between the A, the move, the return and such. But you know I don't need people like that. I am happy with the boys, my job, and just living. Now I do miss shopping..........but you can't have everything.

WS & I may never finaliz the D, I don't know but for us at this time it works. It could change tomorrow, if/when we ever do finaliz things, I will feel sad, but it want kill me. I went through that 2 yrs ago.

The waste still makes me sad but I am happy.

Hi JO and you too Lora. nice to see you around.

<small>[ March 08, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

#745683 03/08/03 10:51 PM
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<grin> The last 2 years of my marriage were rocky, with some happiness. Since separating and since she left, I haven't had any happiness... and in comparison, the rocky times were way better than what I'm going through now.

Oh, by the way, I'm trying to meet myself... and I'm finding that I'm not much fun for me to hang out with... All my hobbies and interests... when i do them alone... feel like exercise (hiking, snowboarding, etc.) or practice (writing, guitar, etc.). Where's the fun? And, while we're at it... where's the LOVE???

#745684 03/08/03 11:06 PM
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Good job skye.

#745685 03/09/03 08:57 AM
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I have always needed a man in my life to feel happy... complete!!

That is until now...

I love, love, LOVE my life more than I ever have... sure I'm dating, but not any one person... I love my space and being able to come and go as I please... I love just being home alone... I love having the bed all to myself!

I have surrounded myself by friends... male and female... and I have my 2 boys!

What more could I ask for ~ not a thing!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 09, 2003, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

#745686 03/09/03 11:56 AM
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Here, here, Skye!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Skye wrote:
But, whether I ever have another relationship or not, will not be the determining factor of my happiness or the level of personal success for me.

But, I do know that unless and until I do have another man in my life -- some people will continue to dismiss and to diminish everything else in my life as second best.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I so understand this. I think, and I hope it's possible to feel "WHOLE" without a man in my life. And until I feel that way, I'm not allowing myself to fall "in-love" with anyone. I want to fall in-love with me first.

It seems from all I've read here and from my short experience as a single, a resounding message I'm receiving is THE benchmark of being healed and moving on, is being a "Couple" again.

Jo

<small>[ March 09, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

#745687 03/09/03 11:57 AM
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oh sheesh! I am thinking way to much on this subject now.

Okay, it's one sentence, "That human touch." It's a need most of us have, just like eating our favorite foods, we would miss them if they were gone.

ANNA

#745688 03/09/03 03:52 PM
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Good thread, good answers.

I look back over the past 2.5 years and I can say I am pretty happy being out of a relationship. When exH first left, it was devastating, and I kind of wondered how any 38 year old woman would ever find a guy who could enjoy being around an old bird. After 6 months, I dated a few times, but it wasn't right. Sort of fell into a relationship and that lasted a lot longer than it should have, maybe more because of the "companionship" issues than anything else.

I found out how badly my kids had been abused by exH, learned I had been living in a severely emotionally abusive situation for years. exH is a full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I KNOW that the kids and I are way better off without him in our lives.

The last 2.5 years were spent trying to protect us from exH as he spent $100,000 plus on trying to drag me under. He didn't care what he did to me or the kids. I've dealt with the kids' issues on my own; the older D, who was abused the worst, has intense rage attacks and I happen to be the convenient target. I ran and built a business that is continuing to grow, I've been doing house repairs and remodelling that should have been done during the time exH was here.

My life is full. Since exH has been gone, there are more people around. I'm not always happy, there's been a lot of stress (have a LOT of gray hair now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), but I know that I am doing my best to make things right again in both my life and my kids' lives.

I bought myself a promise ring that I would not get married again, but my attorney made me change that to not get married to another man like exH. I figured I need to get my life on track on my own, then maybe I can think about a relationship. I can safely say that my exH got where he is now in his career because of me, and I am where I am despite him.

My work is interesting... more likely a "male" profession in many eyes, and when I find guys to help out with odd jobs, they all want to be partners or somehow take credit for my work. So I have to say I am cautious around men anymore.

I have no desire to just go out with a lot of guys (my neighbors think I should be out running rampant), I certainly don't have the time to put into a proper relationship, and I'm pretty comfortable at the end of the day going to sleep by myself and knowing that every day is a work in progress.

So in answer to your question... I am comfortable being alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes, other people feel that either there is something wrong with you if you aren't involved or they think you want your ex back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I don't want to ever be in the situation I was in with my exH; I'm trying to deal with the anger I have towards him for the past 2.5 years of the divorce and the previous 10 years of my non-life with him, the no accountability for the abuse of his children (much less, myself), and that even though it is ended, how he still tries to control the situation.

lori

#745689 03/09/03 04:38 PM
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Hi Lora (Hey too to Jo),

I'm right with you on the 'thinking too much' bandwagon... and let me share something simple I've realized pertaining to your subject line:

Some people are happy alone, and some are not. There isn't a right or wrong way to do it... and don't let anyone tell you there is.

Okay, so-what, I can **do** alone, but I don't want to...I'm one of those 'gotta have a man' women. I'm working on that... because it really does say something about me and my self-esteem... but one thing I ***know*** for sure: having a man doesn't "make me happy"... it just makes it nicer - for me, for him (hopefully)... and it's just who I am. I'm through beating myself up about it...

So Lora, Jo (and anyone else who is alone)... maybe it's time to stop questioning (as if I can do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and just live - alone, with someone, whatever.

#745690 03/09/03 05:05 PM
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Skye,

Wonderful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#745691 03/09/03 07:02 PM
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Boy, this one has me thinking...

I'm not an "alone" type of person by nature, I like to have someone to "do" for and with...

But the past few months have been strangely peaceful, no walking around on tiptoe, afraid to say the wrong thing...and I never want to take the chance of having to do that again. I WON'T do that again. So in that way I am okay alone.

I try to envision a future with someone, but I just can't. It isn't the same. It just doesn't seem like it could ever be comfortable. So I'm preparing for a solo life - I suppose at my age that is the smartest thing to do - and I think I will be okay with that.

#745692 03/09/03 08:19 PM
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Hi Lora and Jo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For me, I became very happy on my own. It took almost 2 years but eventually I got to a point where I liked being with just my kids. It's strange, but 21 months after my ex and I split up, there was a guy at work who kept bugging me to go out with him. I kept putting him off because for the first time in my life, I didn't want to be with anyone. My supervisor kept telling me how nice this man was and that I should give him a chance. She thought I needed someone. I finally gave in and ya know what? I avoided him completely after that date. He was a very nice man. Had been divorced for a while and had custody of his 2 kids. But I just didn't want it. I had become happy and content with my independence. I had several male friends and that was all I wanted. I was finally happy.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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