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Joined: May 2004
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Committed, WIFTT, LoveMYEx:
I have to agree. Looks to me like justpeachy is pretty good at dishing it out but not very good at taking it. I was a recent victim of her blasting because I dared to offer my opinion and the background behind it to someone who asked. The issue was dating and I knew my opinion might not be popular on this site but I WAS HONEST. Peachy chose to pick parts of my post and fire away. She called me, the BH, a cakeman and a caveman. I was ready to tell her that maybe she should go get laid, then she might be able to loosen up enough to get the giant bug out of her a$$ but decided to ignore her instead.

To answer your question justpeachy, my Dv has been final less than a week so I haven't had much time to think about it. I can't tell if my exWW thinks I still pine away for her but, since I am moving on with my life, I don't care what she thinks about me anyway.

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lol - peach - this is funny in a sick, sad, JAWS sort of way.

Ever seen sharks when there's blood in the water?

Thicken your skin, girlfriend. Sharks do as sharks are.

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Yes, 'we all', if reading properly, "know" other posters... Looking from outside gives always a better picture... and sometimes wrong interpretation too...

So, yes, 'most-of-us'? see the same when reading JP's posts...
Sometimes we give advice and expect her to apply them in her life... more often she's kind of forced to admit not being over her X and D, she does not accept that, and makes people frustrated, because - don't we do the same in our lives, or did not we do, before we really (is there ever REALLY after all we went through???) healed!
(By the way, if anyone 'healed', why are they here at all??)

So far so good.

BUT
Many times JP said she wants to get just answer on questions she asked.
More often, JP just wants to vent.

If she thinks that helps, and MB is here for help - why wouldn't all of us respect that??

Help or skip!

We can turn on lights to make things visible... but someone can See only by dawn... why wouldn't it be waited for?

Hope dawn is not far from JP.
Nor for any of us as well...

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I have been thinking all day of what I could say that would let Peachy know that I am sorry for what has happened here at MB over the last few days.

Ilogged on to try to explain how wrong it is...how this must be making you feel, and I see the post from "Belonging to Nowhere". There is nothing I can say that can come close to the eloquence expressed by that post.

Peachy...we are just where we are in our journeys. There is no right or wrong to our personal stages. You do what you need to do to be happy. I admire you for bucking the satus quo. I've seen MB'ers married within months of their divorces that have not gotten the grief that you have gotten to try to find a sense of fun in your life.

I have read a lot of your posts and have found you optomistic and resilient.

Don't let 'em get you down girl.

allison

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I, like Allison, thought about this post most of the day. Then I breeze by this evening and see that Belonging to Nowhere articulated precisely how I felt and what I wanted to say if I only had the words.

Peachy, we all struggle with "Moving On" in our own ways. We create our own journeys in doing so. When investing years upon years in such an important relationship, then having it ripped-out from under us and crumble before our very eyes, recovering from that is no small feat.

Just always do your best and be your best, and never lose your sweetness or hope for happiness.

Love to All,
Jo

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(By the way, if anyone 'healed', why are they here at all??) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">many times, to help others, many times to cement the understanding that we have gained, for if we can explain the solutions and our wisdom to others, then we feel comfort in validating our knowledge base.

healed and healing is not a set specified time, its a state of mind, and a state of emotional well being. . .

there were times several years ago when i would write similar stories about my X, and [b] amok.now[b] would chime in and ask me why i let my X yank my chain like that. . why am i still emotionally involved with the idiot?

i would always get defensive. . . and be angry with myself and with X, but slowly, i continued to work on myself. . . to be the person that i want to model for my kids. . . here and in person. . . i needed some MB 2x4s as well. . . but i would reflect upon them after my initial reaction, and most times, they would be right. . I just was too emotionally charged to see it. . .

learning comes in many forms, some straight forward, some nice, some blunt. . . MB is an internet chat sight, its all here to learn from, take what you like and leave the rest. . . . and its also a small living classroom/experiment to analyze and learn from, if you take the time to do the work. . . . to read, think about, and reflect upon, and ultimately learn a ton of basic human behavior at the extremes . . .

wiftty

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Peachy,

I would like to offer you something I learnt in the years dealing with my X ,his lawyer and our children who X(WS) tried to alienate from me as the "evil mother" (BS) i.e. only parent who was a parent! In the beginning reacting to him and his criticism of me meant I had to justify and explain my actions through my lawyer as well as to our children, because they made sense to me (they still do by the way-but I explain and justify my behaviour and choices in the way I live my life to no one -do not have that need as all can see in my behaviour what I stand for) . It took me a long while to learn I owed no one this. Facts are facts and my life is my life, unique and distinct from anyone elses as is yours and everyone elses .

One has no need to explain or justify to anyone ever why one makes the choices one does simply as a reaction to a criticism , real or perceived. Post here if this is what you want and need to do. It is your right to respond only to those posts which you find enlightening and helpful to and for you. If that is what you need, then be thankful you are being helped in this manner. It too is your right to give no response and no reaction to those posts which you find penetrate a feeling that you find somewhat hurtful. By not responding/reacting/attacking posts which are out of "sync" with what you believe simply is, it will also give you a chance to mull these posts over to understand if there is any truth that one day you will consider relevant, or if they have no application to your life whatsoever you will ignore them totally.

I believe that all who post/lurk here are still searching for some type of help or closure in their own lives or to pass along some learning/insight to help others to add some meaning to their own experience in a community that has walked in very similar shoes in a life altering experience. I hope you take all who post to you in that positive light.

Enjoy your son and your life and keep writing/ venting/posting if this too gives you pleasure and/or fulfills a need. I have always enjoyed reading your posts and see many similarities in your X's behaviour and mine.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...for if we can explain the solutions and our wisdom to others, then we feel comfort in validating our knowledge base.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... and so we need a confirmation of our own wisdom... ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway,
'Years ago', when you were in still-pain, reading someone else's wisdom and their suggested solutions, did you accept them 'right away'? I'm sure not at that time but when YOU were READY. If they had 'forced' you to do much earlier, you might have not rejected them openly, but wouldn't have accepted advice either, right? Not because you didn't want to, but because you COULD NOT, for you still had some unresolved dilemmas, issues, emotions...
And if someone said - gee, it's been months/years! and you are still emotionally involved!?!!??... wouldn't it put you kind of down, maybe provoke anger, thinking of those people they are rude, cruel or mean? Kind of 'raping' your speed of recovery...

I am not over yet (I admit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and people's wandering why not I take different way (I mean, they are right! and I am $&#$%*! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), but not all of us react the same...
I admit and my pain is bigger but closer to resolution, vs. denial where the pain is lesser and prolong healing... at least I feel so... I look at straight and eat it row, not to be eaten... and some people just run, or close their eyes... then when they stop running they face it... different human beings nature...

Shortly said - we can heal similar ways, but duration is different.
Some people move on very soon, for some it takes much longer...

Anyway, I agree with all you wrote (in the previous post), especially with:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">its all here to learn from, take what you like and leave the rest</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All I say (can add) is - there shouldn't be consequences if not... (not learning 'right away' is hurting already enough, no need to add more...)

And, we who were/are going through the same... must have more understanding for each other... and if not patience then letting it go in peace...


Allison, Resilient, I am glad... thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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There's a cycle here.

Peachy vents... (and vents... and vents some more) and someone decides to risk her wrath and posts some "tough love" sort of advice (the type that doesn't coddle, enable, or throw a pity party) and peachy gets mad, a few others agree with the "tough love" advice, and peachy gets madder, and then Kayla shows up with a cutting, shrew remark to help peachy feel better and a few others rally around peachy so that her feelings aren't hurt, and those of us giving some sort of "tough love" advice or observing these things are called "sharks" or "sick" and told to leave, don't post, get lost, etc.

It's a cycle that has happened this EXACT same way since the very first time I posted to her when I came here approx. a year ago!

Peachy, I'm pretty sure I can say that no one's out to get you, no one has a personal vendeta against you, no one delights in your suffering, and those who post to you do so with hopes that you will see this cycle, and this drama that you really do seem to thrive on and seem to be unable to let go of.

I don't doubt for a moment that you've experienced much pain and heartache, and I won't make any attempts to give you any advice, as I have in the past, because I don't believe you will be willing to receive it. I have nothing against you and only hope that you will experience abiding peace and joy in your life as you continue to grieve, heal, learn, and grow through your post-divorce years.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT
Many times JP said she wants to get just answer on questions she asked.
More often, JP just wants to vent.

If she thinks that helps, and MB is here for help - why wouldn't all of us respect that??

Help or skip! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I happen to think that help comes in all shapes and sizes...and can be well received, or not so well received.

I also happen to think that "vent" is just a fancy word for ranting and raving (the majority of the time). I do not think that is ever helpful. It keeps the person grounded in the drama and doing NOTHING to remove themselves from it. I cannot see where it hurts for someone to point that out to someone. If anything, more harm is done when people sit around and just nod...and "yes" them up..<pat> <pat> <pat>

What I perceive as MY help might not be perceived as help to the person. So, it isn't up to me to "help or skip". It is up to the person to accept it as help or hinderance...and for them to skip it.

A simple... "thank you for contributing but I don't think that fits my situation" would be acknowledgement without the drama...and with some class to boot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sometimes people just want validation for continuing in their own destuctive behavior and that is all that they want. It can even be veiled in the questions that they pose to the forum. I'd like to think that others would be able to see through that.

It also doesn't help when poster's start a dogpile...or a circling of the wagons.

JMHO
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