Who She Is <BR>Regina Barreca<P>She's the nicest woman you could ever meet; in fact, you might have met her. You might know her fairly well and you might like her a lot without being aware that she's sleeping with your husband. She is a nice woman, really. This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, that can't be discussed out loud. It's the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She's not a fool even though she knows she's acting like one. <P>Or, she's not sleeping with your husband -- maybe you're single, maybe you have different relationships in your life -- and so this is a friend of yours, a woman you've come to consider a good and dependable part of your life. She's an elementary school teacher, a physical therapist, a pharmacist, a social worker, a bank executive, a swim coach, an engineer, a computer programmer. She's been your friend since junior high, your college roommate, your best colleague, your neighbor, your confidante, without revealing this part of her life to you because she suspects that even at your most understanding you wouldn't understand. You couldn't unless you've been through this and she knows you haven't. Or she thinks she knows you haven't but one thing she has learned is that nobody is exempt from the possibility of this happening -- if a person could claim exemption, she'd be first on the list. <P>So she doesn't tell you, her best friend. You might judge her harshly or, even worse, stop speaking to her altogether and she can't bear the thought of losing you. She's already surrounded by the possibility of loss and will not add to it, even at the cost of not talking about the very thing that consumes her waking moments. <P>Educated, polite and brought up by a loving family, she's not a particularly hot tomato or the kind of woman usually transported across state lines for immoral purposes. Attractive, fun, attentive and considerate, she is deeply committed to those she loves and that's one of the reasons this tears her apart, One of the things she loves about this man, after all, is the way he treats the ones to whom he is closest. <P>Not her -- he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all -- but others. His real family, the inhabitants of his real life. If he were an emotional bully or an emotional slob, she wouldn't have been drawn to him in the first place. Those aspects of his life he betrays to be with her are the very parts of him she would never wish him to compromise. So she understands how divided he is, how he feels like a piece of meat being sliced up by a rusty knife, how he feels like he's drowning and suffocating and being eaten alive all at once. He, too, is a decent person, except for this business of loving someone he isn't supposed to love. <P>Holidays are hard, but so is spring and so are winter nights, summer mornings and long, early-autumn afternoons. The phone is her lifeline and she has about 17 different ways of being reached in case some shard of time can be broken off and given to her. She'll take what she can get -- not in a way anyone would think of her, but in this case it's true. There are codes they use to communicate what can't be spoken or written; these were funny at first but over time they have be come as serious as a car crash. <P>Maybe it ends when there is a car crash and they're in the front seat together, returning from a place where they never should have been, suddenly having to make up a series of lies to disguise what everybody around them now suspects is the truth. Even if they get away with it, the experience wrecks them, mangles what they had beyond recognition. Or, she goes to his kid's high school graduation ceremony and realizes that it's been 12 years already and that she could have had a kid herself by now, one in the sixth grade. <P>Or it continues. Impossible nights, intolerable weekends, endless violations of everything she knows about how life should be lived, but they have loved each other for so long now, how can it stop? She starts to worry that he'll die of a heart attack and no one will tell her for days because why would anyone think to call and tell her an incidental piece of bad news about some guy she never knew very well? Or she starts to think about her own final moments. This is the worst. <P>She can't believe this is her life. Nobody else would believe it either, even the man. It's a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody chooses it on purpose. This is not a defense of her: She knows better than you that what she's doing is indefensible. Don't ridicule her, and don't think you don't know her. You do. <P>

Poor thing.<P>This desciption is hilarious to me because it is so romatisized. The OW in my life is a heartless predator who I called during the first week of their fling and informed her that my husband was suffering from mental illness and alcoholism and begged and pleaded with her not to see him again because I loved him and he needed help. It was still very early in the 'fling'...she could have circumvented all the heartache if only she had been a woman with dignity and compassion.<P>She had no heart, no conscience and she was evil and rotten to the core. She told me that I was just jealous and if I called her again she would kick my [censored].<P>Her response to my heartfelt plea showed me what kind of person she was and certainly does not fit the desperate, torn lover version posted above. In fact, this woman was calculated and lazy and did not want to work and was looking for a meal ticket. She managed to deliberately get herself pregnant over the course of three weekends and then go after us with a vengeance for income shares. Then she wails to me "It had to be more than an affair!" when it wasn't even that...just a minor fling with a very sick man.<P>She had no career and spent most days sitting on her ample [censored] watching soaps and eating. She was common and coarse, shallow and selfish. Not the educated and bright person you described.<P>I'm sure there are other OW's out there who fit the description above, but in most cases they are just desperate women who can only get their (false) sense of self worth from 'winning' a MM away from his wife...for a time. Her lack of self is truly a shame because it makes her a thoughtless predator who doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets to scratch her itch. And, it isn't love, not real love, it is leftovers, seconds, an illusion.<P>I have known women who were OW's in the past, and everyone who knew what they were doing didn't have much of an opinion of them. They look pathetic and ridiculous and weak. No one respected them.<P>Too bad, so sad.<P>Catnip >^..^<

Dear Catnip,<BR>Dont bother - this one doesn't even have enough imagination to come up with her own stuff - this is copied from an article on the TOW board - I checked.<BR>-cd

Everything Catnip said...and<BR>My OW was a lying extortionist, who has disappeared off the face of the earth ( so now I call her houdini)...all for a 3 week fling<BR>Thementor..your post was a thought..a brief flittering thought. BUT face facts here.. The OW here are not nice people. we are not talking innocent victims, we are talking knowing darn well what they are doing..I dont think one woman here has a "special needs" OW who was taken in by the <BR>evil husband...and to set the record striaght...My Husband is dumber than she..so this is not all bag on the OW..just so happen it got hot here yesterday, after we found out MY H's OW had lied about who fathered her daughter (of course after we gave her tens of thousands of dollars) and the question of the day ??? where is she now?maybe I will hire a PI....or better yet...put up lost signs..all over the city..with her face on it..so how does a woman who sleeps with a man 3 times, convinces him he is the father of her baby ( oh yea I was also Pg) and recieves a large sum of money in support ( of course she picked the wealthy guy to be the father..how convenent)takes he damn time taking the paternity test...then splits. How does someone like that compare to your post..Thanks for the education..we are not stupid to think all women are like this...JUST OUR OW ...now go away

You know, you paint a pretty picture, but NO! That's not how it is. That's a romantic fantasy. In real life, people feel more than just a wistful sadness. It's a gut-wrenching pain that you can't imagine ever going away. I don't speak as the W. I speak as the OW who discovered "her man" wasn't hers, but the H of someone else. And then had that gaping wound torn open even more when I discovered I was pregnant. I was pregnant with the child of a man who had caused me unimaginable pain. A man who had lied to me and to his wife in order to satisfy his own selfish desires. He put me in the shameful position of being "the other woman". I say shameful because I AM VERY ashamed. What being the OW translates to me is that I wasn't worthy enough. I was his little secret. A toy that he enjoyed for the time that he wanted it. But when his lie was discovered, I was no longer "loved and desired". In fact, I NEVER was. I was used. Your little story is a sham! It sickens me to see something that causes so much pain and destruction, romanticized.

<B> Meet the Wife </B><P>She's the nicest woman you could ever meet; in fact, you might have met her. You might know her fairly well and you might like her a lot. She doesn't know you're sleeping with her husband. She is a nice woman, really..... <P>

Couple of Reasons has a fabulous idea....LET'S MEET THE WIFE!<P>Let's see...she's a beautiful Super-model (Elizabeth Hurley), she's the First Lady of the United States (Eleanore Roosevelt, Jackie Kennedy, and Hillary Clinton), she's a Princess (Diana), she's a famous Talk Show Host (Kathie-Lee)... <P>My point? She could be (and is) beautiful, intelligent, succesful, exciting, etc. Basically, she could be any woman who has a husband with a functioning sex organ, a willing body, and an opportunity (which makes OW NOTHING SPECIAL)! In fact, she could be someone who used to be an OW (like you!) but now has herself a husband!<P>She's never slept with anyone's husband but her own! In fact, I would bet that every betrayed wife COULD be an OW *if* she CHOSE to be. We are pretty and desirable and somewhere out there is a MM who would sleep with us IF we would agree to it. At some point, I'm sure we've had a MM flirt with us. But we would never "go there" because we have morals and standards and would never degrade ourselves that way! <P>Unlike OW, we don't put ourselves in the position to have an affair. And don't give me that "it just happened, we couldn't help it" or some "soul-mate" crapola! We all have CHOICES! We CHOOSE who we become involved with! We CHOOSE who we spend our time with! Don't agree with me, OW??? Then tell me, when was the last time that your soul-mate turned out to be the filthy, toothless, wino that hangs out on the street corner begging for money?!?! <P><p>[This message has been edited by Angelface (edited June 05, 2001).]

Actually, I am pretty sure our ow's soulmate IS the filthy toothless wino that hangs out on the street corner. Oh no, wait, OW is the one who works on the street corner. I get so confused... <P>-cd

Now, now, Nosetta. Don't you know? The street corner is an equal opportunity employer. The only pre-requisites are lack of conscience and lots of experience...if ya know what I mean <p>[This message has been edited by ohbratti1 (edited June 05, 2001).]

Well at least we know this one thementor knows how to swallow and shave and must be she smells like tuna is her name man eater.

Having had my share of OW in my ex-H's life, I sure know what it's like from that side.<P>I was also an OW once and here's the difference between me and you, thementor:<P>I wanted to die, and tried to die in many ways. I hated myself, ended it after one hop in the sack because I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I lost almost 100 pounds in the process, had severe physical symptoms, went to two years of therapy for JUST THIS, and my marriage ended (although some credit goes to my ex-h, who couldn't keep his hands off other women - 5 or more in all). <P>It took me at least six months to be able to look myself in the eye. I begged my then-H to forgive me (he wouldn't) and my life, as I knew it, was ruined because I allowed another man into it.<P>I have only recently been able to forgive myself. God has forgiven me, and I feel blessed to have another chance at life. <P>I will NEVER EVER be an OW again ~ been there, done that, won't live through it again.