My Husband has had contact with a old girlfriend who has called him off and on for some 15 years (birthdays , Christmas etc). A year ago he meets her for lunch and takes her over to see his parents - ok - not sure why but he is a friendly person so ok - no problem. A few months later we are on vacation and he disappears - I find him on the pay phone talking to her - I was devistated.. to make a long story shorter - he said they were not having sex just friends. He couldnt explain to me why he needed to call her on our vacation. In the months that followed, she began making hang up phones calls to our house, coded messages on our answering machine. I asked him to tell her to stop that I knew it was her because Duhhhhh... I *69 the phone and it game me her number. Well he didnt and it continued until I finally called her and told her to stop. I thought that we had finally worked through our problems and were getting closer again - when a few months ago I began noticing his office was getting filled with all kinds of kissing bears, hugging bears, heart bears etc.... I blew my top and told him he was building a shine to an old girlfriend in his office and it hurt me. Well - vacation came again this year and sure enough he still went sneaking off to call her.
I finally told him I wanted the truth and no more lies or dishonesty. I wanted to know. He still swears they are not having sex but that when he had lunch with her he realized how much he enjoyed her and missed talking to her. I am confused.... he admits that he has thought about getting involved with her more but she is married with 2 young kids. He says he needs time to think and feels like I am always putting him on a short leash. I trust him when he says they are not having sex but am I crazy? I told him I really want to make our marriage work and if there is anything that I have been doing to cause him to emotionally need someone else, I want to know so that I can change. He said that I love him more than he loves me - are there degrees of love? I am so confused. Sometimes I am so angry I could scream and I want to just pack my stuff and get out. Other times I just want to hug him and tell him I do still love him and we can work this out. My greatest fear is that he will decide that I am not good enough for him. He is thinking about wanting to be with another woman because she makes him feel good. What to do next?!!! Any advise would be appreciated.<p>I am 44 , he is 55
Married 6 years in August.
Lived together before Marriage.
Have been involved for over 20 years.
No Children

Not to scare you, but my H's affair with my former best friend started with just 'talking.' He is apparently having some emotional need met by her, perhaps the conversation need? To me, it sounds like it could very quickly get physical if it hasn't. <p>Would he consider going to counseling? Maybe you could print out the emotional needs questionaire and ask him to do it with you. Also, could there be some consequences for his actions?<p>I know how hard this is, believe me I've been thru **** the past 6 years due to my H's lies about the affair. I only found out the truth 8 mos ago, they lie and lie to protect themselves.<p>You have to take care of yourself. If he's not being honest with you, it is to protect his little fantasy. My H told our counselor he lied for all those years cuz he promised her he'd never tell. Isn't that sweet?<p>It definitely sounds like something is going on. I'd be very aware and alert to his activities when he's not home if you really want to know. Even if he's not having sex, EAs can end a marriage. They are a fantasy world without any real problems, when that disappears the novelty wears off.<p>Good luck and keep posting

One thing that I learned from all of this is that if, as a spouse, you start asking "Are they just friends or is this an affair?" the cances are 99% that it is an affair. Even if there hasn't been sex it can definitley still be an affair, but many WS like to try and use that as a loophole.

dr~
My H's EA started exactly with 'talking.' My H said it was flattering and she told him he was the smartest person she'd ever met.... All he'd ever say is that they were friends. Just recently he told me he didn't tell me how serious the EA got was that he 'didn't want to hurt me.' Gee, thanks, I still got hurt--more by the lies, deception and secrecy, than if I'd known the truth. It's so disrespectful to treat the BS that way. We deserve so much more than that!<p>I don't know how long our situation would have continued with all the lies, ect., if I hadn't hid a tiny tape recorder in his truck and heard H side of 2 cell phone conversations. That gave me the nerve to hire a private detective who followed them from work a few times and the last time watched them making out at a park. (It doesn't have to be SEX to be a PA!) H couldn't say it was only a friend thing after that! He says he's ending it, but only time will tell. They are still working at the same store and she is still talking to him. <p>Keep your eyes WIDE OPEN and don't believe a thing he says. Work Plan A with a vengence! I just found out my H called OW from our first vacation without our kids last fall. We had a wonderful time, I thought. I knew she was in the picture but didn't know how deeply she was involved already in the EA with him. The hurt can be unbearable. Live on this site.....it's a wonderful way to get thru a day! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>amazingrace

Thanks for the comments. I told H that I felt of no value to him if he felt that he could not tell me the truth. I told him all I wanted was the truth - knowing that the truth was probably going to hurt. I do believe that he is being honest with me - I dont want to be the jealous type and dont want to tell him who he can have as friends or not - I know that friendships are important to him but I also told him that I wont stand for the lies and dishonesty. I hope that was the right thing to do. I know that he loves me - but when he says not as much as I love him - Im confused. ok - what does that mean? I havent asked him about going to counseling because he says that he needs to work this out himself and that he realizes that he may lose me in the process? WHAT?? does that mean he doesnt care if he does. I am so upset about this whole ordeal. I cant believe that he would get so emotionally involved with someone else who is also married with 2 young kids. I told H that she wasnt going to leave her H and kids for him - basically from what he says is that they mostly talk - but see each other occasionally. He says I dont know that. Anyway - any help on how to get through this - I dont want to jump to conculsions and end a 30 year realationship over something like this. I am most hurt by the fact that I thought we had a great vacation together and then to realize that he needed more and couldnt wait till he got home to call OW but called her on our vacation. That really hurts. I asked him how he would like it if I did the same thing and he said he wouldnt. I need some advice - or I am going to lose my mind.... IF he doesnt want to go to couseling should I look for someone for myself just to keep my sanity or not..... I have good friends to talk to but they tend to not want to take sides. I dont want to battle with him but just get back to the closeness we once shared without him feeling like I am checking up on him all the time... so confused and hurt.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by dr:
<strong> I do believe that he is being honest with me - I dont want to be the jealous type and dont want to tell him who he can have as friends or not - I know that friendships are important to him but I also told him that I wont stand for the lies and dishonesty. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but he is yanking your chain. This is a completely inappropriate relationship and definitley sounds like an emotional affair if not yet a physical one. I wanted DESPERATELY to beleive my H when he told me that OW was "just a friend". I always didn't want to be some sort of jealous nag who didn't allow my husband to have friends. I even said something stupid like "Of course you can be friends with her, I just don't like you keeping secrets from me." BARF! Friends my a**. He then tried to make me feel bad by saying "I guess I'll just never talk to her again since you dont' want me to have any friends." He was already having an A with her and moved out of our house to live with her 2 weeks later. The entire almost 6 months we were separated he insisted that he never talked to her again and that nothing had EVER happened between them. Married people have no business rekindling friendships with old flames or encouraging new opposite sex friendships with anyone else. At least not when those "friendships" don't include the spouse (though many WS have affairs with BS friends) and do include phone calls, meals alone together etc.

double post<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: fairydust ]</p>

Yes, go to counseling alone if need be. You will become a stronger person and sometimes that alone will change the marriage for the better. I went by myself both during and after H's affair. I ended up going longer than him and HE had the affair! It saved my life.

Danger*Danger<p>This is exactly how WH's A began. Loooong phone calls where he was supposedly "helping" her with some personal problems.<p>She is flattering the hell out of your husband ... and it sounds as if she and he are smitten .... NOT good.<p>Have you spoken to her husband ever?<p>Have you examined your phone records ?<p>Have you examined his credit card bills ?<p>Stay alert ... this is a very dangerous situation!!!!(I wish someone had warned me at this stage)<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Pepperband:
[QB]Danger*Danger<p>She is flattering the hell out of your husband ... and it sounds as if she and he are smitten .... NOT good.<p>Thanks Pepperband - I think this also - the problem is now I dont know what to do. I am not sure what I can do right now to keep it from going any further? I cant nag him about his every move - that would drive me crazy if he did that to me. I am going to ask him about couseling alone or together this weekend. Sometimes I think if I just be cool and try to be more talkative and try to get involved in his day that this will lead back to where we once were - . He says I know him better than anyone and I do believe he is being flattered by a woman who is feeling negelated in her own marriage. I dont know. I have talked to her but have not talked to her H - I just cant bring myself to make that call as I know it would destroy two marriages and may just push them together more! I think I want to scream...... he wants a little space and it is really really hard for me to not just call him 2-3 times a day at work. Thanks for the comments.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by fairydust:
<strong> I wanted DESPERATELY to beleive my H when he told me that OW was "just a friend". I always didn't want to be some sort of jealous nag who didn't allow my husband to have friends. I even said something stupid like "Of course you can be friends with her, I just don't like you keeping secrets from me." BARF! </strong><hr></blockquote><p>fairydust~
Me too! Me too! Me too! It seemed so possible that it was only friendship.....yet so very impossible at the same time. My H had As in the past, but he'd been straight for at least 15 years. I couldn't believe he would do this to us. I wanted to believe him so badly. He was soooo convincing. He made it seem so innocent from the beginning. You know that strategy: hide it in plain sight! He said told her that the four of us (OW & H & me & H) should go out to eat. And that we all had so much in common. We've been married 30 years, OW & her H married 28 years. We both live next door to one set of our parents. Yeah, lots in common all right....we both want the same man! sicko [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I started being very suspicious about going out after work with the 'group.' I found the bar they went to and went inside to find my H sitting at a small table with OW. Before I really was suspicious of her, but had a 'feeling.' They assured me about 8 people from work had left 5 minutes before I got there! I found them sitting together in her car in parking lots twice. Only talking it seemed, but sooooo very inappropriate! That's the word, fairydust: INAPPROPRIATE!! No matter what's NOT going on, it's a situation married people should never put themselves in. If I'M not invited or welcome, then H should NOT BE THERE!<p>Wonder if OW's H has any idea of what's happening right under his nose?<p>Keep your eyes and ears open. RUN to a good counselor! Stay on this site as much as you can. Focus on what you can do for YOU!<p>You have my thoughts and prayers~
amazingrace

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by dr:
<strong>I do believe he is being flattered by a woman who is feeling negelated in her own marriage. I dont know. I have talked to her but have not talked to her H.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>YES dr, this is exactly what's going on in the EA my H says he's trying to get out of! OW described her H to my H as a "book reader." How much more boring could he sound? This woman talks incessantly and I think her H escaped into a book to get away from her. Then my H started listening to her, spending time with her and there she was---madly in love with him!! She offered to buy him a car (a corvette) last week. And he told me Saturday night after he'd had a few drinks that he's met all her grown kids. She brought her 19 year old daughter with her to have lunch with him one day! And she brought her two sons into the store to meet him! Sounds like she was paving his way into the family, don't you think? It's really creepy to think about a mother involving her kids in her extracurricular life like this. It confirmed to me that so really is emotionally disturbed, or something....<p>We've both been married 30 years, dr. I'm not about to throw in the towel at this stage of the game. You sound like that too. We are just getting ready to finish remodeling our house (a 5 year project including addition of a great room that my H has done all work on), pay off some bills and really be able to have fun and enjoy life! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sure not looking forward to the rollercoaster ride lasting much longer. I'm pretty tired of weighing my words and holding my tongue. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>amazingrace