This is the second time I am writing in the first time was in 2012 after my husband came home after deployment and showed serious signs of PTSD. After we started working in our marriage everything was going well. We moved duty stations and began to attend church. We were very active in the church and I felt we were headed in the right direction. Flash forward to 8 months ago my husband was chaptered out of the military and we returned home. We are living with my mother in law while we both work and obtain enough pay stubs to get out own place. My husband left his first job here for a new one then got fired recently from that new one. So he is unemployed. Recently he told me he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore, and has felt this way for awhile about a year. He said my harsh words and attitude was the issue. I told him I would seriously work on it but he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to. 3 days ago, I moved an hour away to my sister's house because he said he couldn't think while I was there and always asking Him. Since then I found out he was unfaithful, meeting up with a woman and talking to others online. He even has a dating site profile. I know you guys say plan b is necessary but we have a child, I could use our mothers to communicate, but how do I break communication? A letter? A text? This isn't the first time I have found out he's been talking to other women so I am not sure if I should even seek a relationship with him any further. He denies the emails, and the website profile even though they were on his personal gaming device. I've taken the last few days to jump in prayer and ask God to speak to me. However, my sadness and confusion makes me unsure of what god wants me to do. Every time he texts me it's to argue. Three days ago he said he doesn't want to work on things because I transferred my half of our savings account into my personal account. My intentions were to protect our family since he's out drinking and having fun and maybe going on dates. I would hate if once he gets out of the fog, we have nothing for our family. When I dropped our son off for his first visit he text me saying:
"I don't want you to think it's that u don't wanna be married to you. I feel we both have things within ourselves that we need figured out and worked on and we need to figure out what that is either for us or for the next relationship. We still gotta communicate and be in each others life and I want us to both grow and be better for our son. I'll always be there. No matter what."
Which have me false hope. Two days later he deleted me off of social media, and when I asked him about it he replied "what does that have to do with our son" I am saddened and confused, what should I do. An urgent reply would be nice, and I wouldn't mind being on the show.
Thank you in advance,

Welcome to MB.


Do you know who these women are? Have you exposed his affairs?

Here and there are example Plan B letters in here.

How to Plan B Correctly

I have exposed them to everyone we know. He was super mad at me because he's still denying them. Even though I have proof and showed him the proof.

My questions are:
What does the plan b letter look like?
What does his actions mean?
How can I get a confession from him?
He wants to talk to my mom tomorrow, why would he want to?

Yes I have, and he denied it to everyone I exposed it to. He was very angry at me and that's when he said he didn't want to be with me. That he knows "what I am trying to do"

Thank you. Should this still be used if he doesn't admit the affair? I don't think he actually had sex, but an emotional affair. I also don't know if this was the reason he fell it of love with me. Or does none of that matter?

Yep. He doesn't have to admit the affair. It's absolutely the reason he fell out of love with you. If he tells you different, that's rewriting history and all part of the wayward playbook. Don't believe a word he says right now.

So he told me two days ago he wants a divorce. I just went into plan B after that. I verbally told him my letter because I wouldn't see him for a week when we exchange our son. He still texts me to have conversations, and when I don't reply he says "hello" then an angry text comes after that. My fear is I am making him mad so when he has our son he will retaliate in some way like not giving him back or being hard to work with. Is that a rational fear? Is he acting like the normal husband would in this case?

Lovestar, of course he had sex - but does it matter anyway? Is it any less abusive to trawl for online love than for booty?

His aim is to break you down into accepting his behaviour. This 'both of us' nonsense is typical. He's the only one having an affair!

He will alternate false hope with abuse so you get weaker and weaker. If you argue back, or respond to him at all you keep alive his fantasy that it's both of you who are dysfunctional, rather than just him.

He may realize his actions better in a plan B, but it's main purpose is to protect you from abuse.

You will not get either a confession, or sense from him. He is clearly unremorseful. You must protect yourself instead.

That is not Plan B. What you are doing is plan C which is most likely to lead to a divorce and a nervous breakdown as you allow him to abuse you.

You must make it impossible.

You send him a loving LETTER. Not verbally! Then you change your contact details - social media, email, the works. New phone number, don't just block him.

You must disappear so that the only way to reach you is through an IM. The IM will not pass any angry messages on. She will say 'I don't see anything pertinent to tell her, let me know if you have a message re finances and childcare to pass along.' She will do the same with tender 'I must talk to her messages' designed to give false hope.

You'll hear crickets unless he agrees to full recovery. He will not be able to get angry with you or break you down and will soon stop trying.

Your mothers would make poor IMs because they are emotionally involved and he could wind them up just as he does you. You need a fairly neutral friend who will just ignore all his blather.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like an ill-prepared Plan B.

You cannot "verablly tell him your letter". You need to write a proper Plan B letter, using the template in Surviving an Affair.

You need to se things up properly. Who is your intermediary? Has he been told that he must use the intermediary to contact you? What arrangements have you made to exchange your son without seeing your H?

What arrangements have you made for child support? What is going to happen to your house? Have you seen a lawyer?

If you just cut him off and refuse to speak to him, without putting a plan in place for him to communicate about your child, of course this will tick him off and he will bombard you with texts. That's not how you go to Plan B.

With documentation or just flapping gums? They all say that - part of the abuse. Nevertheless I would suggest you see a lawyer, and file first if it's advantageous. You probably don't have to finalize, but financial protection is more important than playing nice. Do as your lawyer advises. You can halt the D or remarry if necessary later on.

The wayward is too busy chasing skirt to file usually. Someone who was actually doing it wouldn't need to threaten it. However you should do it (without forewarning or threats) if he's spending all your money. As most waywards do. The money thing will get worse.






It's a rational fear and often forms part of the abuse. This is the case whether you are in contact or not.

However with all the childcare arrangements formally in writing he can't wriggle out of not doing as he's asked. You have a written record of the arrangements and you will log it if he becomes 'hard work'. It would be foolish of him because you would have legal proof he's unreliable.

He would also not get to see any emotional responses from you, to this abuse, making it pointless so they soon give up.

You would probably see more shenanigans from him if you kept it informal,verbal and 'friendly'.

Look, do you know how many times my husband told me he wanted a divorce? Probably 50. Do you know how many times he actually did something about it? 0. Well, we're still married so that should tell you something. Way wards threaten that [censored] all the time. It's part of the playbook. You need to do a real, solid Plan B letter and set up an intermediary. ASAP.

This is the how to Plan B correctly thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787

No matter what, you are heading for a wonderful new life. Plan B may make it possible to save your marriage - but it will definitely heal YOU and prevent abuse and false recoveries.

Plan B changed my life.

Hugs my dear.

So a month later, no kind of progress. I am
In a semi plan b, we talk only about our son before exchanges, and sometimes during visits because he tries to be cordial. I couldn't be find someone to mediate for me in our family because everyone wants to stay out of it. He told me last week he for sure wants a divorce because her heard I told our mutual friend I wanted one, so now he does to. I am finding comfort in trusting God, and knowing I will be ok either way. He asked me to file divorce even though he wants one, which means he wants me to pray for it or he wants to always blame me for the one who filed. I feel like he is really trying to get my mind wrapped, and I am fighting it best I can. I just need to know, is this too early to throw in the towel??? I know his reason for divorce is BS, just an excuse! However, what the heck could this mean. Does he really think that's a good reason, or does he think I am that stupid to fall for that excuse

We don't have much, and I really can't afford a lawyer now that I am unemployed due to having to love away because of all this. He said we'd do a simple divorce. I don't even know what that means!

We don't have anything at the moment. He got out the military 9 months ago, so we were staying with his parents. No one in out family wants to get involved. Basically they told me, figure this out between us only. So I feel like I have to talk to him. I transferred my half of the bank account, which he was mad about, but other than that we have household goods sitting in storage. Right now I am
Waiting for a job, he works nights so we exchange our son every 3-5 days and most of those days we see each other. It really sucks because I want my distance, to execute plan b, but I don't know how to get it in this case

Mind you we have friends, but they are all single and I do not trust any of them with my son to exchange him. We just moved back to our home state, so all of our reliable friends are still in the military and are out of state. Our case is unique which I hope you can advice me on.

I am sorry to say that you are not in Plan B at all! It is precisely because of the continuing contact that you find yourself in your present condition. You can certainly trust your friends to facilitate exchanges more than you can trust your WH not to use the opportunity of contact to mess with you!

Get in a real Plan B. The emotional protection it will afford you will give you hope for the future. If you stay as you are, expect more of the same.

Don't trust him. Your divorce will not be simple. You need a lawyer of your own. Many will give you a free initial consultation. You need to protect yourself.

Ok let me make it clearer we have no friends who are not pot heads or worse. Not here in California. We just moved here so all of our friends are out of state. Really all we have is family and his now party friends

Hi...
Every state has an abuse hotline- call it.
They normally can tell you where the "safe" exchange places are.
Normally, police stations, certain gov. Counseling agencies, certain libraries etc have a safe place to exchange kids. You are going to have to get pro- active and call until you figure out a good place to exchange where you will never see him.
(They have this set up as folks with restraining orders cant see their ex partners but still need to exchange kids)
Now- go find out how to make this happen!

Second, your IM doesn't have to live near you. Use one of your friends from where-ever & protect yourself.

You can do this! It will be sooooo much better when you do!

Also: if your unemployed, the abuse shelter can help with FREE legal counsel. Do not Ever go into a divorce alone!!!! Esp if you are poor enough to be able to get free legal services.

I'm iunsure of why you're reccomending for me to call an abuse line. My husband isn't abusive, never has, in this time he hasn't even yelled at me.

Can you move to your own place and then use his parents for child exchanges? Then you could get into a real Plan B.

If you are living with his parents, are you still sleeping with him?

***EDIT***

I moved an hour away to my sister's house. I plan on getting my own place when I get this position I am waiting for. It will be more than enough pay for me to support myself and our son. We barely talk sooo intamcy definitely doesn't happen. I asked his mom if she would be the person of contact and she said she didn't want to be in the middle of our stuff. Everyone thinks we will work it out, and I really. Think anyone believes I am fed up with not being valued.

We talked yesterday, about life and our lack of having father figures....he even flirted with me... I didn't reciprocate. Just kept it friendly. I get whatever one is saying that is I keep it friendly I maybe making it worse for our reconsiliation, but his major complaint with me is that I wasn't his friend anymore and I never listened. If I cut him off, he will then be proven correct, won't he? Sorry I'm not fighting the program, just want to make sure I am doing this right.

Not sure what your reply was. Looks like it was taken down

She was baffled that you are not going to use the Free Legal Resources and Other Aide offered by any Abuse or Womens Shelter.

Call them for advise and assistance, even though you do not feel any physical threats, they Still can help in many other ways.

LTL

Baffled why? I thought she labeled the situation abuse so I thought she was telling me to go there because she sensed something. Also, I never knew anyone could go to those resources for help. I figure it was only for abused women. Thank you for the information. I will research for my nearest aid, and confide in them for assistance and advice for divorce, if that happens.

Your welcome. You, like most that first come here, probably miss out on Vital information that gets posted to you.

I recommend going back to the very beginning of your topic thread and reading everything again, with a calmer, less anxiety ridden frame of mind, And take Notes and follow up on the pertinent suggestions, along with posting further for additional clarification if necessary.

LTL

Will your sister be your IM?

Good idea to look into a lawyer and possible aide.

I can ask her. She's my twin so she's ver sensitive to me, and how I am feeling. I pray this is the right choice. Cutting off communication, even the little we do talk, seems like it'll a hurt me. I've already stopped checking his social media sites. The lack of confirmation of his affairs makes me feel like I am doing the wrong thing, but how do you deny emails and photos?? Well he does. I wish I could talk to someone one on one who has been through this exact thing. Every step of the way, because praying for him and improving myself hasn't worked at all. I feel he sees me as just another person now, nothing special. He says stuff like "I need to make money to take care of myself and our son"

I red everything. I stopped talking to friends about what's going on, so this and prayer are the only way I get my info and motivation to stay strong

Been in an actual plan B since last week. I have to say this is very painful to me. I see him making plans to have fun on fb with mutual friends, and those friends choose to not even talk to me anymore. How do I handle grieving the loss of my WH, and my friends? I'm sorry to say, but plan b has made me lose faith in our marriage. I can't sleep at night, and nights like last night are often. I cried for hours until I just fell asleep. I feel like I am doing something wrong, that will forever ruin my marriage's chances of reconsiliation.

Did you never expose? He is spinning fairy tales, if you didn't.

Just saw you did. You are not in Plan B if you look at his Facebook. Have you filed any legal action?

How did you expose?

Lovestarr6, have you read the info available here about Plan B? Did you send your husband a loving Plan B letter after you thoroughly exposed?

After doing those two things (exposure and Plan B letter), then you need to totally block any access that he has to you...and also any access that you have to him.

This must include your Facebook...if you are seeing details about him in your feed, then you need to remove those friends from your Facebook. Honestly, if they are still talking with him about plans, ignoring his behavior (accepting it), and not supporting you...then you don't want them as friends anyway, right?

I'm sorry for this pain. I didn't have to Plan B, but many others here did, and the beginning is the worst. Once you are totally dark for a couple of weeks, you will gradually start to feel better. BUT...each time that you see or hear news of him, it feels horrible again...so you definitely want to close up all of those gaps today.

Have you changed your phone number and email?

I don't look at his fb, he has mutual friends with me of course and when he comments it shows on my feed. No legal action has been done, except odd speak with a lawyer for advice.

I did the plan b letter.
I have read a lot. I'm sure this is normal, but I feel my case is different that what I've been reading. He still hasn't admitted his cheating, or EA. He blames me.... He was nice to me two weeks ago, and then when he turns cold everyone on the form said to go into a real plan B, so I did. We have been separated now for a most 2 months, I feel he loves his new freedom. There is no real benifit of getting me back, so why would he.

I called my in laws and told them. Everyone else got a message from me. And if they needed proof I have it to them.

Lovestarr, you gave him a chance to own up to his wrongs. When you gave him your Plan B letter, he knew what was required for you to be willing to stay in the marriage. He has a way back to the marriage if he chooses it.

When you exposed all around, did you ask for everyone's help in contacting him to ask him to end his affair(s)?

When a man chooses to leave the home to carry on an affair, it is very difficult for the betrayed wife. The wife cannot "pursue" the husband, because it is not attractive to a man and will not "win" him back. It is very painful to the woman, as you are finding out.

This is why it is vitally important for you to get yourself an IM, and you make it impossible for your husband to ever have further contact with you (and vice versa) unless and until he agrees to every requirement that you have stipulated for being willing to recover the marriage.

If he is "not having an affair", then it should be easy for him to agree to all of your requirements, right?

Sadly your case is not different. Are you thinking that it is different because you have children?

When you KNOW that he has had an affair(s) and he still won't admit it, that is not different at all...it is called lying. Every single wayward out there blames their spouse for their own sins. I'm sorry for your pain, but you must help yourself by sealing things up so that you hear nothing about him for this time.

You can block him on FB so that it's impossible to see anything he posts. Go for it. Even I, the techno-dolt, have done it to people.

tl

Please delete facebook. I wrote a post on putting parental controls on your computer so you cannot make a dummy account later in the Plan B thread. Also, delete any other social media you may have that would link to him (twitter, instagram, etc). Also, if you need to block him and the OW as search terms in google. I actually have multiple blockers including blocklist, simple blocker, and stay focused (because they do different things) that are password protected by other people. Use Chrome instead of internet explorer, safari or mozilla if you can (chrome has the most blocking extensions). In fact, uninstall those other browers if you can. You can also download parental controls for your smart phone as well and have OTHERS password protect it.

He is projecting happiness and roses as many people do on facebook. This is even a known phenomenon. He has an added incentive to do this to make you even more miserable. Don't believe it and don't be miserable. Just block the temptation outright.

I had a heck of a time because my STBx and OW are social media junkies. I just decided I wasn't going to be even more miserable on their account and took away the temptation altogether. It is hard because social media is already designed to be addictive and then you have the urge to check up on him on top of it all.

Also, don't worry about the dumped friends. They will not matter to you in 6 months. They are more worried about their relationships with your WH than your family. Therefore, they should be dumped anyway.

Thank you!! That rally helped me a lot! And you're so right. I will deactivate my fb, delete the apps for it and IG. I need to stay strong, I need to stick to my guns. I started feeling thay this was my fault, maybe I shouldn't have refused him sex while were together, but I am remembered i didn't walk out, or cheat. He did

I am just going to deactivate my fb and all social media. I don't want to accidentally see pictures from nights out, or anything

I would recommend deleting facebook altogether. It's too easy to get back on in a moment of weakness.

I work off of social media so to delete it would be to cut off my source of income. I have enough to stay afloat for a month but I would have to get back on eventually.

Blocking and unfriending joint contacts can work well.

You've changed your phone and email details too right?

What would you do if he sent you a letter or showed up at your job? You need plans to block any and all means of contact.

I feel like there is no more hope. I feel like I messed up. By talking to people who didn't have my best interest at heart. Now I feel my whole marriage is gone. How can I help myself get over this pain? My husband is already out talking to different women, someone told me to check to see if we were still married. It was an old fling of his. She messaged me to check before we wrote back. I feel like I am loosing myself.

This is why you should change your phone number and email.

And get rid of social media.

He was already seeing women. Nothing has changed.

Please, stop torturing your self.

What are you doing to take care of you? Massages, nights out with friends, etc.

I highly recommend you read Indiegirl's initial thread, "Independent Behavior Nightmare.." start about halfway through to see how to Plan B.

Start here ...
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516378&page=74

You're so right. I just had a few hours with a girl friend, and I feel better. I need to do more of that.

Wonderful! You should take great care of yourself; that's what Plan B is for!

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

What are the child support arrangements?

The purpose of Plan B is not to save your marriage but to save you. You should not know any of these things. If you haven't changed your details and if you are able to hear gossip about your H you are not in Plan B. If he were to die or win th lottery, you shouldn't know about it!

If you haven't changed your phone number then he is either free to call - or you know that he is not calling. That is not Plan B. Soon he is going to test the waters that you are still on his backburner and it will likely be a very painful experience - like flaunting women under your nose.

If you stay in Plan C (the plan most likely to lead to divorce) you can expect to waste away and possibly suffer a nervous breakdown. Even if his affair were to die a natural death you would not be an attractive option. If you enter Plan B, no matter what happens with his affairs, you will be healed and out of pain in any case.

Plan B involves not thinking about your husband. So remove any and all reminders. Particularly new information about his life.

Plan B is about making an amazing life for yourself - an attractive life. Interested?

]

No he sounds textbook. But the plan isn't about him anyways, it's about saving you. Your heartcrushing pain is very much like every other betrayed spoueses, right?

His mother, his sister and all mutual friends.

His mother? No Brainhurts asked who did you expose the other woman to?

Did you expose to her family and friends? Exposed her online?

Did you expose to your own family too?

Thank you Indie for explaining.

Lovestarr6,

Who all did you expose to?

Who on OW's side did you expose to?

Who on your WH's side did you expose to?

Who on your side did you expose to?

Is he supporting your child?

There were more than one girl he was talking with. None of which I could find except on Instagram. All profiles were private and they wouldn't add me. So all I have is their Instagram names, and email address of the one he met up with. I have no idea how he met these women, maybe from the dating sites he is on. So exposure was only on our side. Be also only talked to them in email or a texting app.

Oh his side, his mom, sister and friends know
My side everyone knows because i had a public panic attack at my cousin's graduation party. So my grandma told everyone.

He gets ojt son every other week for the whole week. This is how we do it until I start working full time.

You're right. I guess what I am saying is I haven't read anyone on the formMs story where they don't live in a home with their spouse, so I really didn't leave our home, but his parents. To me he has no need to fix thibgs because we don't have anything together but our son and bills since we were in transition. It seems easier for him to not wake up and get out the fog. The only thing is gone is me, which he describes as a nagging, wide who didn't give him sex when he wanted and who opened her mouth to "his business"

We don't have any. Since we have him equal amounts of time.// is that the wrong thing to do?

I asked because I wanted to be sure you weren't suffering financially unnecessarily.

Going a very dark plan B will help you. If someone was beating you, you would get away. The same principles apply for emotional beatings.

Did you do something good for yourself today?

So far I am good. I had a nice size savings when I left, and I also transferred half of our bank account to my account before stuff hit the fan. I am praying I get this job this month. All signs are pointing to that I will.

You're right. I went to church today. And I've been praying that God help me to forgive myself. I really blamed myself for exposing his actions to others, as well as not being the best wife. I was blaming myself, which I'm sure is normal. Like if I have him sex more regular maybe we wouldn't be separated, but the truth is he's been a serial emotional affair person since we were married. Only God can change him now

You couldn't possibly have had sex in such an abusive environment. It would have created a sexual aversion and given you panic attacks with each attempt. You are a wife whose desire is to be coaxed, not a hooker.

Yea and I knew inside that something wasn't right. He stopped wanting to do anything with me, even as a family. And no one feels sexy when sex is all about his needs and not mine. I am starting to really dislike him! Some girl messaged me that he's been talking to her telling her we are divorced, and asking to take her out. This is so much to deal with. I know he's a cheater. I'm just mad at myself of marrying him, when I knew how he was. I just thought when you got married you wouldn't cheat or leave your family.

Thankfully that woman exposed him for his attempted adultery.

True... He's acting like a single man fresh out of their parent's home! Bachelor time I guess

What else is typical after going dark? What should I look out for? In him, in myself?

There I fixed it for you.

Plan B is all about you. To protect yourself you should have no idea what continent WH is on, how he's doing, or if he is in fact alive. Don't even read his horoscope!

The first three weeks of cold turkey are very painful. After that you feel better and better.

What have you done to secure no contact?

I highly recommend ADs for the worst bit at the beginning.

AD? Is that anti depressants? I've been thinking about that, because my emotions are all over the place. And I know it's unfair to me, I pray for it to stop hurting but I don't think I've stopped in two months..

Anti depressants, yes.

It takes about two years to properly heal from an affair. But if you go super dark you will feel a marked improvement in about three weeks. While in 'plan c' not only are you not healing, you are picking up new wounds.

Just got a job offer! Good news, but it's in the city an hour away from my H. My sister told him, and he was a bit angry because e wouldn't see our son, but he said he will go along with it cause he doesn't have a choice. In my heart I hoped this would wake him up, and get him to see he's loosing his family. Nope, he doesn't care! I have to realize that this is indeed over.

Congratulations!

Oh and have your sister read the intermediary training thread. You didn't need to hear any of that. His response is irrelevant.

It will make it a much easier job for her.

She told me because he threatened a month ago that if I got a job here he would fight for Custody. So I asked her what he said to get an idea if
That's where he's headed

I guess what I wanted to ask is if moving an hour away is smart during plan b, if I want my marriage to reconcile one day?

Usually if you are in the same state, moving doesn't affect custody. Hve you checked with an attorney?

Yes, moving is a good idea because if you reconcile he will need to dump Al the old friends who have supported the affair. Plus it is harder to accidentally run in to him

Edited because autocorrect is nuts!

I have not talked to anyone because I got the job offer Friday at 5:30pm. I will consult someone tomorrow. You're right, I did pray that God will keep us away from that place because everyone he knows and I know there wants us to divorce. Well except him mom. I guess I was thinking we are already living separate lives, how can he miss me this way? How could he see they he needs me as his wife when his mom more than helps him (cooks for him... Cleans for him... Let's him do what he wants) I am about to go into deep prayer because today I just feel a sense of what ifs, after do good for a couple of days.

So he doesn't want to do anything custody wise, he just wants our son for 10-12 days before he starts preschool out where I will be. Which is ok, but he made the comment "I don't want to be a weekend dad" to my sister. What did he expect when he's abandoning ship? To have our son like he did when we lived in the same house? This hurts me so much. H

He hates me.. And my life is crappy because I trusted him... He told me to rely on him, and I did and look where it got me.

Pretty much.

When can you go dark so you don't have to listen or think about nonsense?



It's got you to a place where you rely on you. Can you?

What are you going to do to make your Plan B an amazing space for you:

Today
This week
Next week
This month
Long term?

I don't know what to do honesty. I've been praying that this goes away... I've started working out. Spending time with friends, but we have a child together so I am constantly reminded of how this wasn't in my plan. That I married someone who now treats me like garbage

My H talked to my mom and said he never cheated on me except the times I knew of when we first got married. She said she believed him, however he couldn't explain the emails or photos.

Could I have possibly lost my family out f being insecure? Assumptions? I am praying for clarity and understanding.... I prayed god would make his cheating a fact to me by him admitting it or someone coming clean, but nothing has happened..... I don't know how to let go of our family, and dreams. If this wouldn't have happened we planned to be pregnant with our second child right now... That the ought alone makes me sad and wish we never separated.

No, you would still be eating your heart out over his affairs. Remind your mother that you have proof and that if she insists on supporting your husband's adultery, you will no longer be in contact with her.

What are you doing to take care of your self today?

Stop breaking Plan B to talk about him.

[quote=Lovestarr6]My H talked to my mom and said he never cheated on me except the times I knew of when we first got married. She said she believed him, however he couldn't explain the emails or photos.
[Quote]

HOW CAN SHE NOT REALIZE HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS!?! He is gaslighting her. Send her the article on gaslighting.

I didn't want to talk about him. I've been through a lot of loss this year so my mom wanted to help me. My friends told me they saw my husband out a few weeks ago and he was at a club crying his eyes out over what happened with us. So my mom and many others think he has a drinking problem because of that and other things. She was checking up on him, and trying to be there for me

She wasn't supporting him. My husband has a tbi as well as severe PTSD. Which she thinks is why he doesn't remember things, like talking to women online. When I showed him the proof before I left he looked confused. I'm not saying this as an excuse, but his mind does play with him. Which is why I almost left him three years ago.

There have been cases on here where the cheater is caught in bed with their affair partner and the betrayed spouse is told that they just imagined it and what they saw didn't really happen.
Obviously, there is one reality.

PTSD doesn't cause CURRENT memory loss. And if his TBI was that bad, he wouldn't be able to hold down a job.

He is gas lighting her. And you, apparently.

He hasn't held down a job actually. In the last 4 months he's had 5 jobs

Why are are you listening to his nonsense? Your mother is being supportive and thank her for her intervention. However you do not need her to feed back his nonsense to you. WHs name is now taboo and not to be mentioned to you.

When his affair ends and he is willing to do full on recovery your IM will tell you. Until then you are too busy for nonsense.



If/why he doesn't remember is none of your concern. He is a big boy and can look after himself. Your requirements for contact involve him going NC with this woman. If he doesn't remember her, he should have no problem with that.

If however is main concern is breaking your plan b with excuses and nonsense he is not safe for you.

My WH couldn't explain the evidence either. He didn't have PTSD but just stuck to 'it wasn't me' like a record. This is common. WWs caught in bed together tell their spouse they are hallucinating.

Some FWSs who are genuinely remorseful can't remember some things - there is something about affairs which affect the brain and memory.

However his faulty brain doesn't matter. You do have a brain and you require people to stop talking about him until your IM says there is a viable recovery to consider.

Ok I will make sure they don't talk about him to me

Good girl! You will need a sandwich board and a bell at first but it will so be worth it..

From my thread a few years back.



At first, I had to walk out of houses to prevent hearing stuff.

Did you have kids? How long has it been since you've talked to him? When did you stop missing him?

My entire thread is here. Haven't spoken to him since plan b was implemented in 2011 (he showed up on my doorstep I think a year later but that was a very short conversation).

We didn't have children. 15 years relationship, Dday of a 2year affair with my best friend was close to our 10 year wedding anniversary when I had been hoping to start a family. I felt much better after three weeks, within six months I was pushing to finalise the divorce.

With kids, I would probably have given it the full two years before quitting the marriage, but as it was there were better men in the world to meet.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516378

Read your whole post! I think if I had more proof I would be as strong as you were. But I do see a lot of me and in your story! Which gives me hope that I will be ok! I know I will be. I just want to know the truth without a shadow of a doubt. I don't think I'll ever get that though.

Good gravy, girl you read fast.

Of course you will be ok!

Did you not read the bit where I was a quivering wreck? You are taking action while weak = strong.

Yea lol I read that, but you seemed so happy otherwise. I think I allowed myself to go down with the sinking ship, which I see now is not ok! I was feeling like a failure but in reality only my marriage has failed.

Sooo I got offered another job, the one I've been waiting for. However this one is the dream job I applied for before WS and I separated. The pay is amazing and way higher than the one I was offered here in my sister's town. My gut is telling me to not take the one from the city my WS is in to help me move on and not rely on my wayward in laws lol. They don't take a stance on my h's behavior, my mother in law just says it'll all work out. Now what would you guys do? Here are the pros and cons of each job

Dream job in WH's city:
Pros: high pay where I could support myself and my son. Benifits start in 90 days.
Cons: no support in city but my mother in law, no place to stay at first

Other job in sister's city:
Pros: amazing church and preschool for my son, live rent free with my sister, support system, peace, benifits start in 30 days.
Cons: lower pay so I'll have to wait 6-9 months to move out on my own, fear of cutting out all possibility of effective co parenting because my son will be with me 70% of time now.

Either way I have a job, and I am excited! A new life awaits me,
I can't wait to just be happy!!!

Don't worry about effective co-parenting. In fact, don't co-parent. it's a terrible idea, especially with a wayward. He will try to use your son as a way to get to you. Read up on parallel parenting (which is basically total disengagement.)

You'd only pass need-to-know information like scheduling through an intermediary. Forget trying to come to agreements on things like schools or sports or anything. He will not come to a peaceful consensus with you as a wayward.

I moved 500 miles away from my wayward to a support system and I highly recommend it. It forces the wayward's choice into stark reality. He either needs to move to win his family back, or he stays and continues his behavior.

Don't let anything steal your sense of humour.

Totally, totally move. You need good support not wayward support.


Congratulations!

Getting two jobs while supergluing your heart back together is no mean feat.

Oh yuk. Can you imagine having a mother who didn't care about you like that?

Like Melody Lane says, it's not her ox getting gored. Just her grandchildren.

She doesn't deserve to be your support network.

Please read this Parallel Parenting

Co-parenting is a disaster.

Thank you for your advice. I guess my fear was keeping my son from him. My mother in law says stuff like "boys need their dads" and I agree, since My H grew up without a father, just a disconnected father in law. But you're right, I can totally raised my son with this method, this is in a way my WH's wake up call or it may not be, but my focus should be my happiness.

You're right, I love my mother in law, but her lack of using common sense in her son's actions is one reason why he hasn't grown up! She, and I have been enabling him. Well I am done doing that now