First I should let it be known that I will be divorcing. I am not going to try to save my marriage again.
My wife has had, or is still having yet another affair, and I am leaving.
I do not want to give too many details, as I am afraid my wife might read this, though it is unlikely.
We have one child in elementary school.
Wife is pregnant though the child is probably NOT mine.
There is enough evidence to prove the affair in a court of law.
I am heart broken, and I am not going to allow myself to go through this again.
A few years ago my wife had a handful of affairs.
She stopped, promised not to do it again, and I started my false recovery.
Now several years later I am in this boat again.
Also, my wife has taken my child to the OM house multiple times, so my child was in that house during the adultry,
I have not exposed to anyone as of now.
So my question is, should I expose even though I am ending the marriage?

This article answers your question.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

The answer is YES. Everyone should know. How old is your child? My suggestion would be to get legal protection before you move out of the house. Many courts view this as abandonment. You are usually able to get better legal conditions while your wife is fogged out in an affair. Sorry this has happened to you.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Since your child is in elementary school, you should expose to them in an age appropriate manner.

Read Exposing to Children

Hello,
Thank you all for your replies and help.
I would like to be very careful, because there is a slim chance my wife might read this.
OM lives within walking distance of our house.
I do not want to give mare details at this time because my wife might read this.
Should I expose ASAP?
Should I expose to all of her known friends?
I am able to prove the affair enough for a jury to believe the affair indeed happened.
(At least it is my opinion that a jury would believe it)

Yes, I would expose. But I would expose to family members on both sides, your child [if over 4] and close friends. Is the OM married? The OM's family and friends should be informed, especially his wife.

Please read the exposure thread linked in my signature. Your exposure message will be a little different because you don't want to save the marriage.

Does your wife know you know?

She knows I know. I have told her and demanded the truth, but I only get lies.
I can give more details in a PM.
Also, should I wait until I have more ducks in a row with my lawyer before I expose?
I’ll be glad to go into more details in a PM
OM is not married.

This website is a God send. I am very grateful for you all.

It looks like PM’s are disabled.

Yes PMs are disabled on this site.

Can you say how your WW met the OM?

We live in the same neighborhood.

We live in the same neighborhood as OM.
My wife is a malignant narcissist.
She has Narcissistic Personality disorder.
She has no conscience at all.
She had several affairs several years ago, and when I found out we started a fake recovery.
She has seen the pain it caused, and she still chose to do it again

I would expose now and get that out of the way. Do you have access to the OM's facebook page? Do you know how to reach his family? And did you read the Exposure thread in my signature?

I have read the exposure thread. I do not have access to his FB page.
I wish I could tell you guys more details.
I am a little afraid to expose as of now, I am absolutely positive about the affair, but I still might not have enough proof.
I would also like to file for divorce before I expose.
I am having a couple issues with my lawyer too.

In your initial post, you said: "There is enough evidence to prove the affair in a court of law." What kind of proof do you have?

Does he have kids that your child hangs around?

The OM has no kids that my child hangs around. I think he has a kid that does not live with him.

I am afraid to say too much here, but I have testimony from more than 2 people. (So she has admitted it to more than 2 people)

Have you been on this forum before?

You are wise to be careful with anonymity on the internet. Know that when circumstances ask for it, the moderators can hide your thread or change your posts.

I have been here before several years ago.

Has she admitted it to you? Do you have other physical evidence? And I would not wait to expose it. You don't want to give her time to lie about it.

Thank you

What was your screen name?

I have no reason to think that she is on this site, but I can’t be sure. If she knew of my posts, it could harm my case.

If I stated my screen name, it would likely give me away.

She has not admitted it to me. I have text messages from the people she admitted it to.

Did I mention she is pregnant, and the child is probably not mine.

Did she say the child is not yours? What does she say about the affair?

She is adiment that the child is mine.
She is a liar.
The child is probably not mine.

I need to file for divorce first because I am told there are advantages .
My lawyer told me I can’t file while she is pregnant, but I was told by two other lawyers that I can file while pregnant.
I think maybe my lawyer doesn’t want to fight.
Also there is evidence that she is abusing my child.
I need a lawyer that will fight for my child and I.

If that is the case, I would definitely get hard evidence of an affair and file on grounds of adultery if you can. Even in many no fault states, they do take adultery into consideration when it comes to child custody and asset allocation.

I don’t know if I can get hard evidence at this time.
There are 3 people who she has admitted adultry to.
The baby is probably not mine, so that would take care of it.
My W went to her home country for 63 days early this year, and I can prove OM was there with her.
This is so maddening. I hate having to live here with her.
I hate having to talk to her.
She has seen the pain this caused several years ago, and she still does it.

When I expose, how should I word exposure since I do not intend on saving the marriage?
I can contact a few of her friends by text and what’s app.
Also I can probably use Facebook.
It seems her family just enables her affair.

I would just send a factual message that you have discovered she is having an affair with XYZ and have decided to leave the marriage since this is not her first affair. She had several other affairs back in 20XX. Something like this to family and friends:

Dear Family and friends, I am sending you this message because you have been an important person in our lives and I felt you should know the truth. I am seeking a divorce from WW because of her affair with Joe Blow. This affair has been going on since ___DATE___ according to the evidence. This is not her first affair; she had several affairs back in 20xx and I forgave her. As her friend, I hope you can persuade her to end her destructive behavior. You should also know so you can take steps to protect your own marriages.

Something like this to OM's family and friends:

Dear friend of OM:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe is having an affair with my wife, Sally xx. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has wrecked our marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Expose to all of her family. Some will be enablers, but not all. Don't discount anyone because you think you know how they will react. Exposing to a few of her friends is a waste of time because she probably befriends enablers. Don't do a trickle exposure. Did you read my thread about exposure?

I have read your thread about exposure.
I wish I could speak with someone privately and go over exact evidence, and details.
I believe given the evidence, a jury would say she is / was havIng an affair, but she does have some wiggle room.
(That is how she is denying the affair)

My W left her write up from her doctor out in the open.
It says she has an std.
I have recently been tested and everything came up negative for me. (Praise the Lord in heaven!)
So my questions are is it legal for me to have this info because she did not give it to me, but she left it out in the open?
Should I confront her with this info.
(It will be hard for me not to confront her)

I would take a photo of anything like this. And I would not confront her about it.

How does she communicate with her OM? And have you filed for divorce yet? What is your separation plan?

I have a photo of it.
I believe the OM will have nothing to do with her as best I can tell.
I think it was a PA and never an EA as best I can tell.
I was also told by one of my W friends that she had relations with a swinger as well.
My lawyer is on vacation now, so it is hard to get ahold of him.
As far as separation, I am staying in a separate room in our house.
I try to keep my distance as best as possible.
It’s hard, because I still want to be pals with my child, but W is around a lot,

So what is your plan to separate? Are you waiting for your lawyer to get back to make plans to separate? Does your wife know you are filing for divorce?

W knows I intend to divorce,
She does not want to spend the money, she thinks we can just go to the court house and divorce without lawyers.
W is very very smart, but has zero common sense.
We have been married about 21 years, way too involved for a simple divorce.
I don’t think OM knows she has an std.
I can’t believe she didn’t tell me about the std.
I am told that my county does not allow for a separation.
Also, I do not want to live in a different house from my child because W might get violent towards my son, because she has before.

I don't understand. Do you not plan on separating? Are you planning on getting full custody? I thought you had decided to get divorced. What is your plan?

I plan on divorcing, I plan on going for full custody.
My lawyer said in an email that I can not file for divorce in my state while she is pregnate.
I do not believe a legal separation in my county is an option.
My lawyer is out of town until after the new year, and I cannot get ahold of him / her.

Ok, I wouldn't think that a legal separation would be relevant since you have decided to divorce. I was thinking of a real separation.

Could you define what you mean by separation?

As far as leaving the house, I don’t want to do it at this point because she has been known to get violent. She might harm my child.
My lawyer told me in my state, I cannot divorce while pregnate.
I feel like I’m in a prison of sorts.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to get more evidence of the affair?
I have text messages from one of the many people in that house stating that W and OM had sex loudly, and my child was listening through the door.
As best I can tell, the affair is over and W does not go over there anymore.

Separation means to move into another home.

As far as getting evidence, I would get spyware on her phone if you can. Webwatcher has a built in GPS and wll track her texts and emails. Another way is to install a voice activated recorder where you think she might be having phone conversations.

My lawyer says in my state I must be a part of any conversation in order to legally record it.
I believe the affair was only a PA and never an EA, so I believe she does not speak with OM.
Plus I believe the affair is over.
My wife recently asked me to live with her after the divorce is final.
This is not a normal situation by any stretch.

This is not for a court of law but for yourself. You can put spyware on her phone and read her texts, emails. Have you been spying on her?


But how would you even know? And I seriously doubt it was a PA. Women don't typically have sex with men unless there is an emotional attachment. Unless you are saying he is a prostitute and she hired him for sex? If there was an affair it is very very unlikely it was "only" a PA. And how would you even know?


What is the point of getting divorced if you are staying with her? You don't sound like you are serious about this.

Do I understand correctly that you have told your wife you know she has had an affair, and you have told her you intend to divorce her because of it?

And she is denying the affair and claiming that the child is yours, but she does not seem to be fighting the divorce. She seems to have accepted that it will happen, but she wants you to continue living together after divorce? Why does she want to continue living with you if she accepts the divorce? Please try to explain her attitude because it makes no sense to those of us reading this thread.

Under what grounds would you file for divorce? Would a judge grant you a divorce if you continue to live together? How would you prove the breakdown of the marriage if you still live together? Is it normal in your state for a judge to grant a divorce to a couple that intends to continue living together?

Do you plan to take a DNA test after the birth? If the child isn't yours, would this be the grounds for your divorce after the birth? When is the child due?

How would your informant know that your child was listening at the door while they were having sex? How did the informant have your phone number to send you this message? If they know you well enough to know your phone number, have you tried to speak to them face-to-face to find out how much they know?

How do there come to be "many people living in that house" where OM lives? Is it a rooming house?

Have these conditions been diagnosed by a qualified person?

If you think your child is at risk of harm from your wife, you need to get him out of there. If you think he has already been abused (as you said in another post), what have you done to prevent this happening again?

You cannot hope to prevent abuse by staying in the house, unless you intend never to leave the house - as in never going out to work. If you think your child is at risk, you need to protect him properly by taking him away, and involving social services so that she cannot be with him unsupervised. If she has a diagnosed personality disorder, it should be easier to get proper arrangements in place for you to have custody, and for her to have only supervised visits. You need to be a great deal more proactive here.

Everyone involved in the situation is very weird.
W has never been diagnosed with anything.
She would never ever talk to a shrink unless forced to.
Most narcissist never get diagnosed except for those who are in prison because they were forced to see a shrink.
I have tried to take my child away a couple of times, but my child is very very afraid of losing mommy because mommy threatens to leave the child multiple times. I think it is a type of separation anxiety.
So each time I tried to take my child, the child did not want to go, and W called the police. The police sided with W.
I can take my child to a movie, or to the park, only if I promise to bring the child back.

I do plan on getting a DNA test done after birth. I hope I could do it before birth.
W is very very weird.
She told me multiple times that she wants me to live with her after divorce, but I am not interested in living with her at all.
I have been told that if I leave before D is filed, it might be looked at as abandonment.
My house is by far the most comfortable place for me to live right now, except I have to deal with my W.
She even tries to seduce me from time to time.
First I was told by my lawyer that divorce could not be filed while pregnant, now I am told that D can be filed, but we will have to wait for birth for it to be finalized, and the judge may throw it out.

Does anyone know of spyware for an Android that I do not have access to?
I do believe it is only a PA this time.
I believe it is very possible she iwas getting paid for sex though I can not prove it.
I say was because I believe it is over with.

You need to file for divorce, get legal protection and then leave. It is not viewed as abandonment if you have a legal agreement. The only thing "weird" I see here is your lack of seriousness about the problem. You aren't really serious about getting divorced. If you were serious, you would file for divorce and get custody of this "abused" child and move out. Of course the child will be upset at having to move, that is normal. But if your wife is abusive, it is up to you as a father to protect her.

Can't you get her phone?


WHY do you believe this and how would you know?


Your wife is a prostitute?

How is it that your wife has had affairs in the past and you haven't been spying on her all this time? Didn't that ever occur to you?

I asked you several questions in this post, and the only one you answered was about taking a DNA test.

I can't help you if you do not answer my questions. I didn't ask them for want of any other way to spend my time.

I have told my wife I know of the affair and I told her in intend to divorce because if it.

She is denying the affair and saying the child is mine. She wants to divorce but she wants an uncontested divorce. I want full custody of my child, so uncontested will not work.

She has said multiple times that she wants me to live with her after the divorce, but she does not know I want full custody.
If she found out I want full custody, she will probably go APE CRAZY and maybe become violent.

I have no intention of living with my wife after the divorce. No way not going to happen.
I do not even want to see her.

My wife has not been to the OBGYN for the pregnancy yet, but that will happen soon.

I do plan on a DNA test after birth or hopefully before.

I have spoken to my informants face to face. One informant agreed to ship an affidavit about the adultary, but has since backed out.
This informant is a very weird person.
I believe the informant is on drugs.
I believe OM is on drugs
I do not want my child involved in this.

I want to get my child out very badly.
I tried a while ago, W called the police, but the police sided with her.

I have been working with my lawyer very closely.
I have texts from 2 people confirming the affair, but my lawyer says I need an affidavit.
One informant agreed to sign an affidavit proving the affair, but the informant has since backed out.

W jas been paid a lot over time to “clean” the OM house, and yes she does clean, but I’m sure that is not all she has been paid for.

I have had recorders around the house, I do not believe she is having conversations about this here.
I have cameras inside and outside of the house,
I do not believe the affair was happening at my house.

Wife’s phone is password protected, I do not have access to it.

Please bare with me, it is possible that W might come to this site, so I need to be careful.

I appreciate all of your help.

It's no good your posting here with details that do not make sense, claiming to be hiding from your wife who might read here. If she ever come here, she will recognise her story immediately from what you said in your very first post. You need to post in a way that makes sense, instead of making the same confusing statements over and over.

What are you going to do about this situation? You seem to be doing nothing because you are frightened that your wife will become violent. Sure you can see that you can't allow yourself to be held hostage by this fear forever. If you are going to avoid confrontation because of this fear, then you'll never take control of the situation. You fear that your wife has already abused your child, and you believe that she was paid for sex with a drug addict whose house she was paid to clean. She is now expecting his child. What are you going to do to get yourself and your child out of this situation? All you've done so far is post here about what you cannot do; because she might become violent, because your lawyer is away, because no-one will sign an affidavit, because you tried to take your chid away once before and she called the police...so what now? Just stay there and put up with it?

I cannot understand anyone who suspect his child has been abused who is too frightened to take the child away in case the child is abused in the interim. You need to go to social services and tell them of your fear, and tell them you want to get your child out of that home. This is a child protection issue; they will be forced to take it seriously. By your account, your wife took your child to the home of a drug addict and left him/her alone while she had paid sex with this addict. If that isn't a child protection issue, I don't know what is. If your wife becomes violent when you talk to her about divorce, you need to call the police. You can't just sit back and let things continue like this. You need to file for divorce with full custody, and have your wife take a DNA test and answer questions from a judge about the details sent to you in those text messages. You might not be able to finish the divorce while she is pregnant, but you can use the legal process to get the details you need today.

You never answered my question about how the person living in that house knew how to send you a text message about the affair, and how they knew the child was listening at the door.

You call this situation and everyone in it "weird", but the weirdest thing for me is that affairs have happened in your marriage for years, that you think you are married to someone with a personality disorder, that you suspect your wife of prostitution, association with a drug addict, abusing your child and conceiving an OC...and your quandary is whether to expose the affair. What about you and your child getting the heck out of there?

I knew the people a little when my W first started going to the house.
After she started going there I thought the situation was somewhat innocent.
I was able to get their phone numbers then,
I did not know the situation was this bad until recently.
She had affairs several years ago, but we had what I thought was a reconciliation.
I have just recently learned of all this.
I have been keeping a journal of everything that has happened.
My lawyer said the best thing I can do is just wait until she snaps again.

I simply do not understand you. You seem to have no sense of outrage about this situation. It doesn't matter when you learned about it; you have been here at least a week posting the same thing over and over, and doing nothing.
"Snaps" in what sense? How has she snapped before? And if she snapped before and you could not do anything then, how will her snapping again make you able to do anything now?

So your lawyer does not think you can protect your child by informing social services about the abuse?

Your lawyer does not think you can start the divorce process and get a DNA test?

Your lawyer does not think that the text messages that are in your possession are evidence of an affair?

Is your lawyer a real lawyer? I've never been to law school and I could do a better job myself.

I'm ASTOUNDED about your complacency in all this.

Please explain this. What innocent activity did you think your wife was doing at that house? Was she employed as a cleaner there? What makes you think this turned into prostitution?

Why does she want to divorce?

Why does she want to live with you after the divorce?

Moderators:

Please delete this thread. I can no longer take the risk of W seeing this.

Thank you

What risk is there? Are you frightened of her?

Please familiarize yourself with our policy about thread removal requests. Thank you. PLEASE Remove all my threads/posts!

Are you sure your wife is drug and alcohol free?