Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Gamma #2307501 01/18/10 07:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 302
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 302
I know thats how I would be 'Janda'....one question would lead to another, etc, etc, however I would imagine eventually there could be no more questions, I hope? Maybe not.

I know I would be very hurt over hearing some of my FWW replies, but I gotta find out the truth.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


codtej #2307505 01/18/10 07:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: codtej
I know thats how I would be 'Janda'....one question would lead to another, etc, etc, however I would imagine eventually there could be no more questions, I hope? Maybe not.


That time will eventually come. In my case, I just reached a point where I realised that asking further questions wasn't really going to help improve things.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Gamma #2307514 01/18/10 07:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: newjersey
You had to go there

There is another reason for going there btw, you need to know what happened in order to check for STDs in the right places.


Eww.....


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Some'a mistake'a to make'a. And WW believed it?

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: TheRoad
Some'a mistake'a to make'a. And WW believed it?


Either she believes it, or she wants me to believe it. Both options don't really look that good to me!


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517


Janda,

I know it seems like its not going your way. So I wanted to publicly praise you for what you've done so far.

Janda,
Thank you for finding this site and signing up.
Thank you for listening to the advise given.
Thank you for doing instead of just arguing
Thank you for exposing yourself to help your BH.
Thank you for shining the truth on this ugly act of betrayal.

My wife and I are on here, and we went through the same thing y'all are.

We could not do it face to face, we had to sit in different rooms and talk through instant messenger to keep it as calm and as safe as possible.

Now that I have all my answers, I feel a lot safer because I don't have that hurt that my wife is trying to keep her and OM's secrets from me anymore.

Should the OM ever show up and try to start bragging "Did you know this? or this? or that?"

My answer would be "She told me everything, i have nothing to say to you, bye"

Soldier on Janda!


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Janda #2307561 01/18/10 08:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 35
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 35
Janda, I have not read the whole thread, nor am I an expert on the subject. But as someone who is still dealing with a VERY recent A, I thought I'd give my 2 cents.

I did NOT want to hear the details of my wife's A, but I was taught by the experts in this forum and the MB material that 100% "Radical" honesty was the only path to recovery. I was also told stories of people who didn't know the whole story for 20 years, and it almost drove them crazy! So, I insisted to my W that as hard as it was to hear, I wanted to know every last detail. Even the positions they did it in, the exact times of day, everything. Even though it hurt terribly, the "mind movies" I had been making up in my head for the weeks prior suddenly went away. For some reason I felt very relieved to know every detail. And, now I am greatful that she told me everything as early as she did, because I know it would have driven me crazy over the years if she didn't.

So, if you haven't yet, I would do it. Tell every last detail, no matter how much you think it will hurt. I promise, he will be relieved to know, and it will free him from ever wondering again. You will be doing him a huge favor.

Good luck!


BS (Me): 32
WW: 32
D-Day: 12/28/09 (fresh in my mind)
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Janda

How things going?

RMX #2307636 01/19/10 06:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Janda:

I wanted to second this thought:
Originally Posted By: RMX
Janda,
Thank you for finding this site and signing up.
Thank you for listening to the advise given.
Thank you for doing instead of just arguing
Thank you for exposing yourself to help your BH.
Thank you for shining the truth on this ugly act of betrayal.



And add the next: What if you had done this 10-11 years ago? Where do you think your BH would be now?

That's all anyone is asking here.

Your offended because your husband isn't "asking you the right way", and folks are calling you out on that.

If you really understood what they are asking you, that if you HAD done these things, then maybe, for ten years, you may not have ever been asked about it again. Whether your BH husband asked you like this: "Did you @#$% him off?" or like this: "When you were with OM, did you perform in an oral way?"

And that Primal, not loving, type of SF that you two had yesterday? Your BH was claiming you back. With all that new knowledge he had of you, he was staking his claim....

It took him 12 years to get there.

You will be surprised how much better your marriage can be going forward from here.

He has been in purgatory for 12 years. Now you BOTH can climb out.

Understand something. I'm not the betrayed husband here, I'm the one who had a 4.5 year PA with OW. There was ALOT to tell my BW. And I did. Until she was satisfied with what SHE NEEDED to know. She still asks about things. 4 years later.

As Mel pointed out, I raped my wife emotionally with my A. I do not complain about the uncomfortableness that I may feel when she triggers. I just comfort her, answer her questions, address her concerns, if possible, and tell her I'm sorry for having done this to HER. And then I thank her for allowing me to stay with her.

You can get there.

You have been been a bad place for a long time. You are traveling to a better place now. Much better. Sure, there will be some turbulance along the way. But the place you end up is much better.

LG

RMX #2307754 01/19/10 07:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 9
J
Janda Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 9
Originally Posted By: RMX


Janda,

I know it seems like its not going your way. So I wanted to publicly praise you for what you've done so far.

Janda,
Thank you for finding this site and signing up.
Thank you for listening to the advise given.
Thank you for doing instead of just arguing
Thank you for exposing yourself to help your BH.
Thank you for shining the truth on this ugly act of betrayal.

My wife and I are on here, and we went through the same thing y'all are.

We could not do it face to face, we had to sit in different rooms and talk through instant messenger to keep it as calm and as safe as possible.

Now that I have all my answers, I feel a lot safer because I don't have that hurt that my wife is trying to keep her and OM's secrets from me anymore.

Should the OM ever show up and try to start bragging "Did you know this? or this? or that?"

My answer would be "She told me everything, i have nothing to say to you, bye"

Soldier on Janda!









Thanks for your thoughts. I knew I probably wouldn't be getting much sympathy here, but I feel like there's anger bordering on hatred coming from some. You know, the main reason I thought about outing myself on here was not for me. It's for H. Maybe a little for me to make the questioning stop I suppose. I know what I did was beyond wrong. It's probably hollow sounding to say it, but I profoundly regret what I did to our M and what it's done to my husband especially when it came crashing down. That was our M's lowest of lows. You can call it avoidance or self-preservation, but my reluctance to share the gory details was meant to shield H from any more of the effects of the affair. I think what I am learning through people here on MB is that isn't the right way to handle my mistakes. I'm just making it worse. The voices that mean the most to me are the people that have been through my experience, especially the BH's. A lot of what you say, I see in my H. I wish he didn't have the need to know things so explicitly, but I am starting to understand the why's a lot more now. So, thank you.
I still feel a lot sleep deprived. H took another vacation day from work. Work is my escape the past couple of days. It's like he's on pins and needles waiting for us to get some private time to resume the talking. I am so talked out, but I realize he needs this. SF is more of the same. He asks, and I think he knows I won't say no. He is still aggressive, and it's always the same position. Just knowing about hysterical bonding keeps me from freaking out or thinking differently of him. Otherwise, I think we'd be in a big fight by now.
I am going to insist that we schedule these talks on a weekly basis. Right now, though, I don't think he is ready for that. Now that I've started answering, he just wants to ask and re-ask. Analyze, then ask again. I thought about quitting MB. Glad I haven't...so far. smile

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Wow, So now I can be more understanding of myself and why I am such a shell of the man I used to be.

During our marriage there were little episodes of adultry that she would never own up to but I thought I was strong enough to deal with it.
I lived with my wife for 3 years after her affair before she became sick with cancer. During those three years we treated the affair with the same attitude and she never said she was sorry. I chaulked it up to the drugs finnally taking over her sense of right and wrong. She had fought off some big issues in her life but this one finnaly took her.
She passed away without telling me she was sorry for the pain she caused me and the children. I did bring it up before she got sick but.. Well because only she, the woman I was dedicated to, could have helped me with that pain, I will have to trust God and the common sense of places like this to take away those feelings.
This thread has been very revealing as to what damage past affairs can do to the BS.
Thanks for confirming what I already knew in my heart guys and am still recovering from.

Janda while you have the chance help your husband regain his sense of masculinity.

For you, Thanks for coming here and fighting for your marriage.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
Janda #2307791 01/19/10 09:22 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Janda,

I think I identified strongly with your H and what he is feeling. Perhaps many others did as well.

It took me a few days of reading when I first found MB, before I realized what I was doing and had done to my wife, the self-realization was not pretty.

NJ

Gamma #2307794 01/19/10 09:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
Janda,

MB is the ONLY way you're going to get through this. You haven't been shielding him from the A -- you've been shielding yourself from the consequences.

My FWW finally admitted that's why she waited so long to tell me. She was still trying to come to terms with what she had done.

What your BH has is gangrene of the soul. You have to tear off the sloppily applied bandage and do the real work of repair. If you don't, your M will crash and burn.

It's not going to be easy. You already know that. But you have begun to take the right steps.

Read the material on this website....and re-read "Joseph's Letter." It's the straight deal.

You can do this, but you're going to face a lot of heat. Just be ready for it.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 302
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 302
This thread has helped me and hopefully my wife, more than you can ever believe. I hope to apply what we've learned in short order.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


Janda #2307825 01/19/10 10:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Asking re-asking is normal.

Janda #2307829 01/19/10 10:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996



Read this *link* ... a short illustration of getting the whole story.

Changing the wording to reflect your situation:

Visualize this:

Imagine a police officer holding a briefcase rings your doorbell and tells you "BH" is dead.

Janda asks: "What? How?"

The police officer says: "It doesn't matter. All you need to know is he is dead".

Janda says: "But when? Where? Who caused it? Did he suffer?"

The police officer says: "Janda, I have all that information right here in my briefcase. But you don't need to know any of it. It may hurt you. You may cry. It will be painful. You will get angry. All you need to know is BH is gone."





Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517

Heylo,

Just wanted to drop you a line, to say thats its not going to be easy and it will be exhausting..

I have nothing new to say, just wanted to let you know we are rooting for y'all.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Pep

I think that it would do them good for her BH to come here and post.

Your take?

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 9
J
Janda Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 9
Hey all. Quick post. Getting more sleep, although things are more of the same. Still asking the same questions, but I think he's starting to realize that's he's running out of ways to ask the same things. Only new twist is that he wants to recreate positions/acts I did with OM. Still weird for me, but I'm going along with it.

Janda #2309553 01/21/10 11:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Janda:

This line says it all:
Quote:
Only new twist is that he wants to recreate positions/acts I did with OM. Still weird for me, but I'm going along with it.


Go along with it. Throw your self into it.

How long did it take your BH to grow tired of some of the questions after he got the truth? Not long did it?

Use that to continue on this path of truth.

Your doing great.

LG

Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 31 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341
71,698 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,536
Posts2,322,686
Members71,698
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5