Whew. Lotta responses from the weekend. Here it goes. Ill do a post with all the responses. Then ill update on anniversary date yesterday.
Please insist on either no FB or joint FB. The advantage of joint FB is you can control who is on the friends list and since no one know if you are on the chat or WW is on the chat, you have an upper hand there too.
I brought up this idea. Im fine with her having her own page as long as I have access. I dont mind booting her friends off I dont care for.
Written by a former Wayward man who had harsh(?) words for other waywards.
He has a talent for getting issues down to the bone. Feel free to borrow any of his lines. But, say them gently, with a soft facial expression, and a soft tone of voice.
Ill check out all your links. gotta lot to catch up on and sometime today I actually have to do some work at work too. How silly.
The 3 hour discussion puts YOU inside her head.
A person can only think about one thing at a time.
You've plan A'd yourself into her thoughts.
Which leaves less space for OM to occupy.
She never brings up the OM. Never says he was so much caring or any of that BS. When i asked about it she said she was desperate for emotional support and looked for it anywhere. That was only when I asked though.
You reply:
"I am never going back to the way I was. I have changed. Even if we divorce, I am going to continue to learn and develop into a better man. For as long as I live."
"I am making these changes because I want to be a better persona better father and a great mate for someone. I would like that to be you but I understand it may not be. Thats ok too." Thats what I said.
When was the last time you and WW had a hearty laugh together?
One of the missing ingredients might be fun/laughter.
We joke around some but its defiantly more a serious tone. Ill work on that.
The post is written by a BH who did an excellent Plan B.
His experience is golden.
His wife moved out and left the kids with BH.
Please, take the time to read this one.
Especially the part where Plan B is a door.
You need to keep Plan B in your pocket.
This also applies to early recovery fro any BS during early recovery.
Plan B preparations are like insurance for your safety and sanity.
I know PB is still there. I still got the infamous calligraphy PB letter in my desk. Im prepared to go to it. I have to admit I dont want to pull the trigger though. I want her to say she is done and move out. That way I have NO regrets.
Right now I dont make the entry requirements to go to PB in my mind. She isnt leaving (Apparently she was still just "thinking" about leaving didnt actually want a divorce even know she said "im pretty sure I do want a divorce". I am still making progress in PA. Im also not frustrated to the point of not caring.
I did cut her off for a couple of days but that was too weigh if I was ready to go PB.
I'm a little worried that you took your wife back within a matter of days, my husband told me he was not ready for me to come back home yet, he needed that time to heal, and it sounds like you need more time in plan B.
But I guess it's too late, all we have to do is wait and see if she is ready to change (which I doubt she will) if not...
Then plan B again! smile This time, don't let her come back till YOU ARE READY smile
As per my feelings Im ready for her to come back. Im ready to start recovery. The A isnt a major hang up for me. It is what it is. Im not sweeping it under the rug. I do have some questions I want to ask as part of Just Compensation and I want steve to do the injury recovery with us. Then i want to close the chapter on the last few years and move on to the rest of our life.
As per her change of heart so quick I think the HUGE driving force was the effect it was having on DD5. The thought that DD5 would think there was even a possibility that one of her parents didnt love her had a HUGE effect on her. She wanted to
address that. What I ended up doing was forcing her to tell both our families what she told me though. She basically had to admit to her dad that she didnt want to continue on because she wasnt happy. Not because I wasnt doing enough or she didnt love me. Because she just wasnt sure if there was a M worth saving.
I think the shame factor kicked in alot. Also both families really harped on the effect that D has on kids.
I dont want to lead yall on yet though. The WW hasnt committed to the M again. We talked about the steps we needed and maybe doing it in steps so we can take it slow so she is comfortable. We talked about the pressure IM getting and the effect of having the D cloud over my head is hurting me. How her not taking EP and going NC is preventing me from feeling safe. She insists she isnt talking to him. Thats fine. So make ME feel safe and give me that transparency.
Im going to go to a step system to get to recovery.
Instead of just saying I want you to recommit im going to break the EPs into baby steps.
Step 1. She needs to sign a reconciliation agreement. Otherwise the D train keeps rolling and it gets ugly and will force entry into PB. She also has to go NC with the OM. If she is already doing it great. She needs to cut the possible paths of contact though so he cant slip back in. I dont trust him at all since her being married has NO deterrent on him. Also I feel very threatened by him because his stepfatherish overtures (the "uncle OM" card).
BTW the WW is still foggy on that. She said she never interpretted that as him wanting to be a step dad. DD5 calls a bunch of WW close friends aunts and uncles. It was like DD5 calling WW best friend an aunt. TO my knowledge though her BF was never sleeping with her though and ruining our M.
Step 2 will be moving back in the house. Maybe it will just be to the spare bedroom but at least thats closer. THis is the phase that WW will brainstorm with me and gather knowledge on recovery. Hopefully we can get Steve involved her in this phase.
Step 3 will be recommitting to the M and committing to a recovery plan. We will sleep in the same bed and live as a couple. She will wear her wedding band again. The we move onto recovery. No idea how that is even going to work. Ill cross that bridge when we get there.
Plan B isn't to be "attempted". It is to be done...pure and simple.
I feel that you were looking for a reason to break it. There was no need to contact her. You wanted to call her...found a "reason" and did it.
The next time she will be prepared for you to "break" again.
Don't be so quick to use it when you aren't fully prepared to adhere to it.
I didnt want to go PB. I thought I was being FORCED to enter PB because she was moving out.
I had to talk to her because DD5 was really upset. We did need to come up with a plan to handle her. I have to protect my child. Just in the process I found that she really didnt want to leave yet.
Did she learn anything? Dont know. I think she knows that im ready to cut her off. That im not afraid of the future either way and i wont beg her to stay.
I did got to PA again. Was it a mistake? Maybe but I think I really need more time to show the WW that my changes are permanent. She still thinks im going to throw money in her face. I use to do that when she would screw up with money. I need time to show her that we can be happy.
It appears WW came out of coma when you told her you want the divorce. Some women can be quite strange and I am reminded of my wife. In the recovery phase the word "divorce" had a much more powerful positive effect than anything nice I could do for her.
In any event good luck. I am glad you had this turnround.
Time will tell. Dont know if it was the D or DD5. Something gave her to strength and incentive to talk about EPs and stuff.
More likely she was advised that what she was doing wasn't in her best interests, and she'd better act differently if she wants to benefit better in a D settlement, if it comes to that.
Im not dropping the D unless she signs a reconciliation agreement.
YEG, you sound like you're thrown off balance a little by WW's sudden change of heart--i hear neither rejoicing nor cynicism and distrust of her motives
I thought she was done. I thought she was moving out and moving on with her life. I was finding peace in that. Now I find out she really isnt sure about it yet. So Im back in the limbo mobile and that just really isnt very fun. I still have the axe over my head. When the axe fell I was ok with it. Since she had pulled the plug any guilt I had was relieved. I did everything I could. I cant risk that I will have regrets so im back PAing it.
That's what I think too... I think her and daddy had a "come to Jesus" meeting and he told her how badly she's screwed up. In my legal mind, I'm thinking she's coming back to do the leaving right this time-- so she won't lose custody or child support. I hope I'm wrong, but this just happened a little too fast.
Its possible. WW was never a money grubber though. We have always had separate accounts. I do trust the FIL when he says that he wants us to be together. If she leaves HE will be supporting her since she has no job and no prospects.
I gotta take a test for work. Ill update on the anniversary dinner we had yesterday.