Sooo bored.

DD5 is taking a nap. Ive been playing phone tag with FIL all day. He is supposed to call me sometime when he can talk in private.

For the last 2 months ive devoted my life to meeting all my WW needs. Now im just sitting on my hands. Its really tough. I basically have to find my own life now. There is no we, only me. Its hard because I want to fill the void in my life. I have been missing out on so much happiness.

I cant run around like she did. Im NOT going wayward. I have a huge need to feel close and safe to another person though.

Hopefully it will get a little better when DD5 wakes up though. We can do something together. The first part of the week is going to suck though. I have no one. WW is taking her sunday morning till I get home on thursday. All I have to welcome me is an empty house.

I can tell you one thing. Im going to get RIPPED. All I wanna do is work out and run anymore. I want to walk around outside and do stuff. Anything to pass the time. he hours are just dragging by.

I guess its better than getting gas lamped and treated like dog crap. Im defiantly not happy though.

Looking forward to going shopping with DD5. She really wants Milo and Otis. So im going to get it for her. basically all the time ive been spending on WW is going to DD5 now when I can. Hopefully that will fill my life some with happiness.

Tommorow will be the first time ive been in mass in a year. Looking forward to it. Ive been going to the WW church but im not anymore. I dont want the contact with WW. It wll ruin my PB. Looking for a adult bible study class. Maybe buy a devotional from the store.

Just talked to FIL again. WW told him that we got into a fight and thats when she said she wanted to move out and get a D. I told him it wasnt like that at all. FIL wants her to get a lawyer. I welcomed him too knowing that a lawyer is just going to tell her she is screwed. WW doesnt want that though he said. He is telling me she still hasnt made up her mind. Funny because she told me she had. He almost sounds upset because im making a big deal out of it. I told him im just tired of hurting and seeing my daughter hurt by WW selfish actions.

The one thing we could agree on is that WW needs time by herself. He wanted me to call her and work out these things. I told him id be willing to talk to her about how to save our M. I was not going to call her to chit chat though. He got upset that I was asking her to move out too. I just pointed out that it was the WW that wanted that. I was merely giving her what she wanted. He is very frustrated but so am I.

WW is really bothering me with all her lies. She needs to just be honest with her parents and tell them that our M is over if that is what she wants. I told FIl he needed to stop bad mouthing his future SIL too. He didnt find the humor there.

I also told him that I was staying in the house. im not moving out so she can "think". He thinks im making decisions I cant undo. I disagreed respectfully since she has made all the decisions to end our M.

Anyways Im glad im not in the day to day garbage. If she wants me she can come to ME. She can SHOW me she wants to save our M. Not let her daddy fight her fights for me. None of this garbage tippy toe drama. She needs to SHOW me she wants to save our M. Its like he wants me to accept that the 10% chance she is going to stay with me is enough to let her stay in the house. IMO she has made her decision. In her mind she has.

I think FIL is defiantly worried about a custody fight. I think he is right to worry.


Edit - Weight watchers is working great. Im down from 230 to 204 lbs. Ive also lost 4 inches off my waist. I was a 42" now im wearing 38" pants again!

Funny thing happened today.

I was happy in my attempt at PB. I had told her I wanted her to stay away but didnt deliver the letter.

I had DD5. DD5 starts asking for the WW. I tell her WW cant be around me atm. So DD5 gets upset. Its the usual. Crying because WW isnt there.

Then she says the kicker. If mommy doesnt love you maybe mommy doesnt love me too. Ughh so I had to call WW to tell DD5 that WW really does love her.

I get all emotional and WW starts freaking out. I tell her I cant talk to her.

About an hour later I get a text saying that we need to talk. No responce from me. Then she sends an email saying that we need to talk about DD5.

Fine. I tell her to come to the house. On the conditions that both sets of grandparents are there as witnesses.

So she comes over. What a merry bunch we were. I ask her to tell her parents what she told me about that she is leaving and wants a D. She says she cant remember. I did get her to admit that she said she is leaving though.

In reality she now claims she doesnt want to go. She doesnt want a D.

bleh. So we talk about how to handle DD5. We agree to how. My parents leave. FIL stays around though. We really start talking about our feelings though. She tells me that she has to decide if our M is worth saving. That if there is anything left to save. usual stuff.

We end up talking about 3 hours. She got alot of stuff out. We talked about money, what she wants in life (she has no idea), all kinds of stuff. We start talking about possible recovery plans.

We talked a few details about the A. She admits she told him that she loved him and he said the same. She also told me they always used protection when they had sex. i believe that since she made me use a condom too.

WW is going through alot of stuff. She basically has no identity atm. She has no plan in life. She has nothing. I tell her she has me.

We touch briefly on EP. I ask her about the reconciliation agreement. She says she has no problem waiving alimony or anything else I wanted. I told her we could include stuff too.

I also tell her about my condition of NC and transparency. She wasnt as receptive to that.

We started talking about sex. She says she knows thats off the table since id lose my grounds of adultery if we did that. I told her I could give a crap about that. She says she wants to protect me in case of a D. thats how we got into the Reconciliation agreement.

Overall nothing was decided. She acknoledged that im making all the changes she has wanted for years. She just wish I had done them a year ago. Or 5 years ago. She would have loved it then. She just doesnt know if she wants them now.

So we are basically back where we were a few days ago. Me brainstorming ideas. She is being a bit more receptive. She is telling me her feelings for what its worth. We talked about her going to cooking school or back to school for something. She talked to me about her guilt over money.

We are also pretty much back in PA. We are going to church together tommorow and she wants to go out for our anniversary as well. So we will see how that goes.

I also talked about why I wanted a chance to spend time with her.

Im still fighting for my life in there. it sucks. Its all I got though.

"We talked a few details about the A. She admits she told him that she loved him and he said the same. She also told me they always used protection when they had sex."

Tell WW you want her to take a polygraph. What happens just before the appointment is that the WW starts coming clean to avoid having to go.

Also no transparency no back home. You must verify NC. Don't remember do they work together?

Im not trying to hop in bed with her. That will be a condition of the EPs and one im trying to get her to do anyways.


They do not work together.

I discussed her EPs to verify NC. I told her I would like to have a joint FB page with her or have her FB password. I also discussed having access to all her email and financials. She didnt freak out when I said this. She didnt give me an answer either way though. She has to think about it. This was about 3 hrs into our marathon talking session.

She is just so scared right now. Her entire world has crashed around her. She has lost everything. Now all she has is a husband that she doesnt even know if she still wants and her child.

Please insist on either no FB or joint FB. The advantage of joint FB is you can control who is on the friends list and since no one know if you are on the chat or WW is on the chat, you have an upper hand there too.

The following link is to something on my "notable posts" thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=1836786

Written by a former Wayward man who had harsh(?) words for other waywards.
He has a talent for getting issues down to the bone. Feel free to borrow any of his lines. But, say them gently, with a soft facial expression, and a soft tone of voice.

You are doing great!
The 3 hour discussion puts YOU inside her head.
A person can only think about one thing at a time.
You've plan A'd yourself into her thoughts.
Which leaves less space for OM to occupy.

When she brings up the "Why didn't you make these improvements sooner?" ....

You reply:
"I am never going back to the way I was. I have changed. Even if we divorce, I am going to continue to learn and develop into a better man. For as long as I live."

Yeg,

When was the last time you and WW had a hearty laugh together?
One of the missing ingredients might be fun/laughter.

You can plan A her funny bone a little.

Such as:

"The other day I was thinking about (funny family story)" .... Tell the story. Then, laugh.

Text her a joke.

Watch a funny movie, then tell her about it.

Tell her something cute and funny DD5 said/did. (text/phone/email).

It is not necessary to be serious 24/7.

It you get the giggles, call her.

And another post on my "notables" ....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=1836820

You still need to prepare yourself for Plan B.

The post is written by a BH who did an excellent Plan B.
His experience is golden.
His wife moved out and left the kids with BH.

Please, take the time to read this one.
Especially the part where Plan B is a door.

You need to keep Plan B in your pocket.
This also applies to early recovery fro any BS during early recovery.
Plan B preparations are like insurance for your safety and sanity.

By the way.
The man who wrote the post I linked ..... Is happily married to his FIRST wife.
They never divorced.
They made another baby during their recovery!

Especially pay attention to this bit:



As I said, I think you have done a pretty good Plan A. I think she has seen it. I KNOW she has seen it. In her statements, she repeatedly refers to your changes. Sure, she calls them "lies." She has to call them lies, because if she were to accept them as truth, then she would also have to re-evaluate her position and what she is doing. And she isnt ready to do that yet. Instead, she sees your changes...but calls them lies.

I'm a little worried that you took your wife back within a matter of days, my husband told me he was not ready for me to come back home yet, he needed that time to heal, and it sounds like you need more time in plan B.

But I guess it's too late, all we have to do is wait and see if she is ready to change (which I doubt she will) if not...

Then plan B again! This time, don't let her come back till YOU ARE READY

Plan B isn't to be "attempted". It is to be done...pure and simple.

I feel that you were looking for a reason to break it. There was no need to contact her. You wanted to call her...found a "reason" and did it.

The next time she will be prepared for you to "break" again.

Don't be so quick to use it when you aren't fully prepared to adhere to it.

committed

YEG:

It appears WW came out of coma when you told her you want the divorce. Some women can be quite strange and I am reminded of my wife. In the recovery phase the word "divorce" had a much more powerful positive effect than anything nice I could do for her.

In any event good luck. I am glad you had this turnround.

More likely she was advised that what she was doing wasn't in her best interests, and she'd better act differently if she wants to benefit better in a D settlement, if it comes to that.

Originally Posted by SapphireReturns

I'm a little worried that you took your wife back within a matter of days, my husband told me he was not ready for me to come back home yet, he needed that time to heal, and it sounds like you need more time in plan B.

But I guess it's too late, all we have to do is wait and see if she is ready to change (which I doubt she will) if not...

Then plan B again! This time, don't let her come back till YOU ARE READY

true, that, Sapphire.

YEG, you sound like you're thrown off balance a little by WW's sudden change of heart--i hear neither rejoicing nor cynicism and distrust of her motives.

i'm not prepared to evaluate just where in the heck WW's coming from--i'd LOVE to believe, optimist that i am, that the impending divorce proceedings prompted some deep internal sea-change that enabled her to see the light. but i can just as easily accept the converse, that she's just scared of a divorce and all that entails. i hope it's the former.

one thing of which i am certain? like Sapph said,

This time, don't let her come back till YOU ARE READY

welcome her back with open arms...WHEN YOU'RE READY. but don't EVER let her think she's doing you a favor.

Congrats, YEG!!! I'm excited to hear what follows!

That's what I think too... I think her and daddy had a "come to Jesus" meeting and he told her how badly she's screwed up. In my legal mind, I'm thinking she's coming back to do the leaving right this time-- so she won't lose custody or child support. I hope I'm wrong, but this just happened a little too fast.

Whew. Lotta responses from the weekend. Here it goes. Ill do a post with all the responses. Then ill update on anniversary date yesterday.


I brought up this idea. Im fine with her having her own page as long as I have access. I dont mind booting her friends off I dont care for.

Ill check out all your links. gotta lot to catch up on and sometime today I actually have to do some work at work too. How silly.


She never brings up the OM. Never says he was so much caring or any of that BS. When i asked about it she said she was desperate for emotional support and looked for it anywhere. That was only when I asked though.

"I am making these changes because I want to be a better persona better father and a great mate for someone. I would like that to be you but I understand it may not be. Thats ok too." Thats what I said.

We joke around some but its defiantly more a serious tone. Ill work on that.

I know PB is still there. I still got the infamous calligraphy PB letter in my desk. Im prepared to go to it. I have to admit I dont want to pull the trigger though. I want her to say she is done and move out. That way I have NO regrets.

Right now I dont make the entry requirements to go to PB in my mind. She isnt leaving (Apparently she was still just "thinking" about leaving didnt actually want a divorce even know she said "im pretty sure I do want a divorce". I am still making progress in PA. Im also not frustrated to the point of not caring.

I did cut her off for a couple of days but that was too weigh if I was ready to go PB.


As per my feelings Im ready for her to come back. Im ready to start recovery. The A isnt a major hang up for me. It is what it is. Im not sweeping it under the rug. I do have some questions I want to ask as part of Just Compensation and I want steve to do the injury recovery with us. Then i want to close the chapter on the last few years and move on to the rest of our life.

As per her change of heart so quick I think the HUGE driving force was the effect it was having on DD5. The thought that DD5 would think there was even a possibility that one of her parents didnt love her had a HUGE effect on her. She wanted to
address that. What I ended up doing was forcing her to tell both our families what she told me though. She basically had to admit to her dad that she didnt want to continue on because she wasnt happy. Not because I wasnt doing enough or she didnt love me. Because she just wasnt sure if there was a M worth saving.

I think the shame factor kicked in alot. Also both families really harped on the effect that D has on kids.

I dont want to lead yall on yet though. The WW hasnt committed to the M again. We talked about the steps we needed and maybe doing it in steps so we can take it slow so she is comfortable. We talked about the pressure IM getting and the effect of having the D cloud over my head is hurting me. How her not taking EP and going NC is preventing me from feeling safe. She insists she isnt talking to him. Thats fine. So make ME feel safe and give me that transparency.

Im going to go to a step system to get to recovery.

Instead of just saying I want you to recommit im going to break the EPs into baby steps.

Step 1. She needs to sign a reconciliation agreement. Otherwise the D train keeps rolling and it gets ugly and will force entry into PB. She also has to go NC with the OM. If she is already doing it great. She needs to cut the possible paths of contact though so he cant slip back in. I dont trust him at all since her being married has NO deterrent on him. Also I feel very threatened by him because his stepfatherish overtures (the "uncle OM" card).

BTW the WW is still foggy on that. She said she never interpretted that as him wanting to be a step dad. DD5 calls a bunch of WW close friends aunts and uncles. It was like DD5 calling WW best friend an aunt. TO my knowledge though her BF was never sleeping with her though and ruining our M.

Step 2 will be moving back in the house. Maybe it will just be to the spare bedroom but at least thats closer. THis is the phase that WW will brainstorm with me and gather knowledge on recovery. Hopefully we can get Steve involved her in this phase.

Step 3 will be recommitting to the M and committing to a recovery plan. We will sleep in the same bed and live as a couple. She will wear her wedding band again. The we move onto recovery. No idea how that is even going to work. Ill cross that bridge when we get there.


I didnt want to go PB. I thought I was being FORCED to enter PB because she was moving out.

I had to talk to her because DD5 was really upset. We did need to come up with a plan to handle her. I have to protect my child. Just in the process I found that she really didnt want to leave yet.

Did she learn anything? Dont know. I think she knows that im ready to cut her off. That im not afraid of the future either way and i wont beg her to stay.

I did got to PA again. Was it a mistake? Maybe but I think I really need more time to show the WW that my changes are permanent. She still thinks im going to throw money in her face. I use to do that when she would screw up with money. I need time to show her that we can be happy.

Time will tell. Dont know if it was the D or DD5. Something gave her to strength and incentive to talk about EPs and stuff.

Im not dropping the D unless she signs a reconciliation agreement.

I thought she was done. I thought she was moving out and moving on with her life. I was finding peace in that. Now I find out she really isnt sure about it yet. So Im back in the limbo mobile and that just really isnt very fun. I still have the axe over my head. When the axe fell I was ok with it. Since she had pulled the plug any guilt I had was relieved. I did everything I could. I cant risk that I will have regrets so im back PAing it.


Its possible. WW was never a money grubber though. We have always had separate accounts. I do trust the FIL when he says that he wants us to be together. If she leaves HE will be supporting her since she has no job and no prospects.

I gotta take a test for work. Ill update on the anniversary dinner we had yesterday.

YEG,

I hope things work out for you, but I'm sensing a couple of red flags.

The first is hesitancy to commit to EP's and total transparency. You need ENTHUSIASTIC agreement to these conditions, not just a head nod or an "OK". And do not compromise at all on these conditions. The very first inch you give on these she will take as a confirmation to push it further. Trust me, I know this from experience. Just a head nod or a quiet "OK" means she has every intention of continuing to sneak around with contact.

The second is she is still in mindset of "finding out if I can commit to the marriage." That means "I am not committing". The fog babble of your changes being too late is more of the same. You need 100% commitment NOW, or no moving back in. She can find out "If she wants to or can ever commit again" at her parents house.

I'm thinking that your wife is just scared right now and knows she is in no position to make it on her own at the present time. She is just biding time until she can figure out a better plan.

Oh, and I would suggest finding another intermediary if you end up extending your plan B or redoing it at some point. Your FIL may seem reasonable or even on your side right now, but blood is thicker than water and if she's living there, she is filling his head with lies and propaganda about you the whole time.

I like my in-laws a lot, but haven't had one word with them about our relationship since we filed for D. I assume that they have been fed a load of bull, but it's not my job to straighten them out at this point. They will always support their daughter (which they should), so there's no point in even trying.

YEG, shortly after my D day, a coworker's wife (an angel) sent me a devotional book that has helped me. It's called "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence" by Sarah Young. I highly recommend it..I open it every day and it hits me right square in the heart!

I really like this!!

I started running over a year ago before D-day, but have been pretty dedicated about continuing my running and some light workouts. Shortly after starting running I dropped 35 lbs (That really pissed off the WW, she had never been successful with weight loss). Now I am competitive and even place in my age group at area 5K races.

Some friends of our have their daughters birthday party every June at their pool and it was Saturday this year. They are mutual friends of our, so I showed up at the party along with STBXW and kids. While I've never looked bulked up on muscle (my natural build is tall and slim), I am back at my high school weight and very fit.

It gave me a ton of confidence knowing I looked so much better than any of the other men that were there!