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Okay then as soon as you are not living together. Can you start a plan B letter? I think it's a good idea to establish the reason and terms of your plan B -- otherwise the WS just thinks you're being unreasonable and cruel. It's not unreasonable and cruel; it's the only way you can begin to heal. It's also how to teach your kids that it's absolutely right to remove yourself from an abusive situation.

opt

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Well this just went to an entirely new level. She has now told her mother she is or has been afraid for her life. This is crazy.

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If you do not already HAVE a VAR buy one NOW! PRONTO! For whenever you are forced to be around her.

WWs who start claiming this can get very nasty, just ask PSUBIKER...what state are you in, though?

I agree with some earlier posts, VARs need to be in cars, you need a parenting journal...that parenting journal could save your behind in some places and the VAR in others.



One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by Sbt
Well this just went to an entirely new level. She has now told her mother she is or has been afraid for her life. This is crazy.

SBT

I also forgot about the addiction your WW has/had is hiding from you better ?

My alcoholic WW broke my plan B several times and usually broke into the house when I was at work.

My then 16 y/o DD and I moved out to an apartment 20 miles away. My DD moved back home after 5 months. I moved back home and I walked into the middle of full raging alcoholic and full blown A with a neighbor 5 houses away.

I would not recommend it to anyone.

Your WW is capable of new low levels you will never understand but the game is munipulate any circumstance to their advantage to anyone anywhere.

YOUR FEELINGS AND CONCERNS ARE NOT EVEN IN HER THOUGHTS. ALL THAT IS THERE IS HOW CAN I GET WHAT I WANT- WHEN I WANT IT?

NO OTHER THOUGHTS WITH IT.

This is not your W. She is an alien in your W's body.

EXPECT anything and everything.

Re-read my post to you on 2-8-12. I HIGHLY suggest you take any and all precautions.

Hang on cause your in for a ride you probably aren't going to like.

Is your MIL still living with you guys and what does she see?

nESRE


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Originally Posted by Sbt
We won't get custody figured out before divorce...She refuses to accept anything less than full custody. I have tried to propose different splits and I only get "how dare you try to rip the kids away from their mother. They need me.". So, I won't leave for obvious reasons (especially if you read the end of my SAA thread) and she won't leave unless she can take the kids with her.

I don't know what state you are in but why would you divorce before custody is settled? That seems like a disaster in the making. Your state doesn't have a default custody schedule? Even if you WW moved out and took the children, you would get court ordered visitation. Unless you live in some very weird state, I don't understand what your attorney is telling you or doing for you. No parent is going to get full custody because they don't like the other parent. Do you have a scheduled trial date?

As for 50/50...well you also need to be realistic about what shared custody means for you. Many people get caught up on the term '50/50'...it never is and it's unrealistic to try and count every hour and day the children are with you vs her. Again, there is no standard default for your state that you can start with and modify to give you additional time when you are not working?

As for her latest claim of being scared of you...well considering she lives in the same house and sleeps in the same bed with you, she can't be too scared now can she.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I stated that wrong. I meant we won't have a temperary arrangement before the divorce is final. Mostly because neither of us will leave the kids. I'm not going to allow her to "move out with the children" and accept visitation. Ive been warned that temperary orders become final often.

By 50/50 I do mean at least half time. I'm am and have been a good father and its best for the kids to be at least half influenced by me.

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Before I departed, I did tell my step kids(15 and 14 yrs before I departed what was going on...their stepfather is having an affair. I first told them we were having problems he and I only. A lot of folks thought I was horrible for doing that, but it was important to me to let those children know I did not leave because of them and their actions. I did not want the Ex telling those childern I departed because of them. It was not so...stepfather, their Dad had an affair outside of our marriage not me and it was not their fault. He ruined the family we had and despised me I found out later while in the marriage. I took the heat for telling these children the truth, but I believe in telling the truth! The Ex would have told them lies about me which he did anyway.


Divorced, newly married again less than 5 years, both of us Christians, 2 small children
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Originally Posted by Sbt
I stated that wrong. I meant we won't have a temperary arrangement before the divorce is final. Mostly because neither of us will leave the kids. I'm not going to allow her to "move out with the children" and accept visitation. Ive been warned that temperary orders become final often.

By 50/50 I do mean at least half time. I'm am and have been a good father and its best for the kids to be at least half influenced by me.
Any changes SBT? You seem like the rock in this marathon whereas your stbx seems unlikely to maintain her abstinence from destructive behaviors.

Just thinking of you.

opt




optimism #2607560 03/20/12 08:38 AM
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We haven't heard from you - hope all is okay.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
Linus #2626803 05/17/12 08:58 PM
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Sorry I got away from here for a while. Things have taken a very dark and ugly turn. We went through the custody evaluation process and recently got the report from the evaluator. The result made me sick.

In the interviews with the evaluator my oldest daughter said that I was physically abusive with her and all the kids and had an uncontrollable temper. None of you know me so you will have to take my word it that there is absolutely no truth in that.

My oldest son did one better. He claimed my relationship with my youngest daughter was creepy and the way I touched her and talked to her made him wonder if I was a pedophile.

I have a good relationship with my oldest son. We spend a lot of time together. I am very involved with his life. I can't even comprehend where that came from.

Evaluator recommended full custody of the kids to my WW.

Im in shock and have no idea where to go from here.

Sbt #2626948 05/18/12 08:54 AM
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Btw, these are all lies planted by a WW that is dead set on getting the kids.

Sbt #2626970 05/18/12 10:36 AM
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Do you have any way to challenge these statements? Have you spoken to your lawyer about this?



BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Sbt #2626971 05/18/12 10:37 AM
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Sbt,

Have you documented all this? Can you get this investigated? Can you have your children interviewed by a child psychologist that would be able to tell if it's made Yingli?

What are you doing to fight this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
...would be able to tell if it's made Yingli?

What are you doing to fight this?
If it's what?

Brainy, are you all right? Have you had enough sleep today?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Sbt #2627006 05/18/12 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Sbt
Sorry I got away from here for a while. Things have taken a very dark and ugly turn. We went through the custody evaluation process and recently got the report from the evaluator. The result made me sick.

In the interviews with the evaluator my oldest daughter said that I was physically abusive with her and all the kids and had an uncontrollable temper. None of you know me so you will have to take my word it that there is absolutely no truth in that.

My oldest son did one better. He claimed my relationship with my youngest daughter was creepy and the way I touched her and talked to her made him wonder if I was a pedophile.

I have a good relationship with my oldest son. We spend a lot of time together. I am very involved with his life. I can't even comprehend where that came from.

Evaluator recommended full custody of the kids to my WW.

Im in shock and have no idea where to go from here.

SBT, since this is only a recommendation, I would start working on disproving the evaluator's report. Get an independent evaluation. Fight this!

Hopefully some of our men will jump in here and help you.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Since one of the charges is that you have an uncontrollable temper, you might want to consider proactively taking an anger management course just to prove to the authorities that you are serious about being a good parent. There are a lot of courses I found online where the main point is to get through the course, get a certificate that can be presented to court, etc.

You might want to check with a lawyer or someone else first to make sure that doing so won't hurt your case. I don't think it will, but I don't know for sure.

Beyond that, do what princessmeggy said and fight this. Get a bulldog lawyer who will impugn the credibility of the evaluator, get multiple opinions, etc.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2627034 05/18/12 02:24 PM
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I have discussed this with an my attorney. We are putting together a plan. I intend to fight it. I wouldn't calle my atty a bulldog but I think he's good.

I don't have any anger issues. I'll ask my atty about taking the class. I'm concerned that could be seen as an admission of having the problem.

I feel this has been a systematic plan by my WW to alienate me from my kids and now take them completely.

Sbt #2627042 05/18/12 02:44 PM
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SBT. what I'm thinking you probably won't like to hear, especially in regards to the short term... but I'll take the liberty.

I believe the truth will prevail. Eventually. I believe that with effort, the lies that your ex is promoting, and that she now has your kids promulgating, will fall apart.

I believe that if you continue to live with integrity and in honesty and openness with your children (when you have the opportunity to interact with them), they will grow weary of the deceitful lives they will be living with your ex.

I would continue to keep your side of the street squeaky clean. If you drink, quit. If you smoke, quit. don't date. If you have spirituality keep it. If you can involve yourself with a volunteer organization and donate time, that would be great.

Kids don't want to be surrounded by lies. They want stability and structure. Eventually they will gravitate to that. I truly believe that. I'm just sorry that it's not something that will be easy or happen overnight. In fact, quite the opposite.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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Originally Posted by optimism
SBT. what I'm thinking you probably won't like to hear, especially in regards to the short term... but I'll take the liberty.

I believe the truth will prevail. Eventually. I believe that with effort, the lies that your ex is promoting, and that she now has your kids promulgating, will fall apart.

I believe that if you continue to live with integrity and in honesty and openness with your children (when you have the opportunity to interact with them), they will grow weary of the deceitful lives they will be living with your ex.

I would continue to keep your side of the street squeaky clean. If you drink, quit. If you smoke, quit. don't date. If you have spirituality keep it. If you can involve yourself with a volunteer organization and donate time, that would be great.

Kids don't want to be surrounded by lies. They want stability and structure. Eventually they will gravitate to that. I truly believe that. I'm just sorry that it's not something that will be easy or happen overnight. In fact, quite the opposite.

opt


I don't drink. I don't smoke. I'm not dating - not even close. I'm tired. We all still live in the same house. I've been fighting for my family for 3 years now. I want to fight but there is a big part of me that just wants this all to be done. Unfortunately that means I get very limited access to my kids. So that reenergizes me and the circle starts all over again...

Last edited by Sbt; 05/18/12 04:42 PM.
Sbt #2627126 05/18/12 06:58 PM
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You may be able to ask for a guardian ad litem for your kids. That is someone who works for the court who represents the children-not anyone else-in matters like these. Ask your lawyer about this. It might help.



johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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