Hey Habiba after reading this post it made me shake my head and feel sad for your family and your H.

One thing I found out in dealing with my STBXW affair is how unhappy she was. It seemed like she had everything. Big House, did not have to work. Husband who tried to make her happy. It did not matter no matter what I did it did not make her happy.

But then she had money for shopping, did not have to work and on top of that she got to have sex with another man. Come to think about it she should have been happy. Had 2 men to meet her needs do the shopping she likes, yet she was not happy. I guess in her case maybe God did not want her to be happy either.

When I found out and after the lies I told her I did not want her anymore so she was free to be with the OM. I thought that would make her happy but it did not. We went to some counseling (for her) and I was stunned listening to her. She would want all of these things and I would provide them yet, she was never happy. I got her a present for a birth day that she requested and she cried at the counselors office about the gift. You see even though she told me she wanted it, she was unhappy.

Being happy is a choice. I had a rough life when I was young with abuse but I chose to be happy anyway. The counselor when she heard my story was stunned. I told her I had no choice I had to keep positive and happy. The counselor said "No, you made a choice to be happy and your wife made a choice to be unhappy". She was right. That is why I did not leave my wife all of those years when she did not meet my need, I decided to make her happy and be happy myself.

I know of 3 women that cheated on their H including my own wife. All 3 of them would give anything to be back with their ex husbands. My own mother left our family to be with OM. It did not last and my mom is the most unhappy woman on this earth. She is mean and still full of hatred.
I guess God did not want all of these people to be happy either.

You and the OM have ripped the heart out of a family. I would imagine their is an age difference and one day that will factor in.

You are lucky. If I was your H I would have dumped you. He sounds like a keeper but you will not figure that out until it is too late. What you and the OM have done to your Husband and his mom is just horrible.

I will promise you this. The OM will not make you happy. One day you will wake up and sey what have I done. Then you will again blame God but the real problem will be looking at you in the mirror.

I hope you realize this before it is too late. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Um, OK, As if, Whatever...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It is always a treat to hear someone talk out of their azz...You don't meet many, however, as accomplished at it as you are...I will give you that...You are SICK...SOUL SICK AND SAD!!!

Btw...being humble about your mistakes is very healing...but I would NOT expect you to get that...

YOU ARE A SELFISH DISGRACE...OWN IT!!! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN!!!


Mrs. W

I will continue posting as I want. I have learned; you respond too violently not to be affected by it

Um. Yeah. That's me. Violently affected.

If you weren't, you wouldn't bother responding. You would ignore me

If I weren't violently affected, I would ignore you?

What does being violently affected have to do with NOT ignoring you?

OK, Pepper. Keep going.

You're right: I only want to do the right thing when it feels good. I felt awful for so long doing the right things for God...I'm tired.

It's a classic, "It's my turn." Not to my H, to God. Does he care about me? Or does He just care about my good behavior?

LovingAnyway pointed out my resentfulness...asked me to write them down. I've started the list, and I have to say that all of them are "bones to pick" w/ God.

Q's for God: If He wants us to do right, then why does it feel good to do wrong? Why couldn't He have made it easier to choose the right?

Oh, Sfjaj, you asked me if I feel a bit used or guilty after SF...nope. Wish I did.

This isn't normal for me. I've been a moral person for so long, and happy, too. Now I'm immoral and happy. What's wrong w/me?

Any more incentive, Pepper? Keep it coming! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm not ignoring you b/c I still care about what you're doing and HOW you are doing, btw.

That doesn't mean I don't shake my head at your stubborness tho....and that doesn't mean I'm going to sit still when I think you're gonna fall on your face.

Habiba, have you thought of trying NC with your FIL to see how that would feel? If it might change your impression of everything?

sfjaj,

I rarely post anything so don't reguard me as attacking you but if these people bother you so much why not just iqnore all of them?Take your own advise and iqnore instead of starting new threads downing people you really know nothing about like you are still in high school.As far as I can tell they are trying to help you but you only want to hear certain things.I don't know any of these people as you can see from my history but they all give good advice from what I have read.Grow up a little and stop the childish games,just iqnore them.I read a lot on this site and consider melody a great asset to this site.Also Ark and all the rest.Just let it go.

sfjaj.....

I have never seen a new poster participate in so many "discussions" as you. You claim you are in recovery, but I believe you fail to understand that word. You told you H a few weeks ago, that does not mean you are in recovery. Have you began to try to understand WHY is it that you had the A? WHY? What was it that drove you out of your marriage to the arms of another man. I follow your posts, but I don't see anything in there that is a sign you are really working on your M. You say it is hard, yet you never give any detail about what it is that is hard, what are the day to day strugles, etc. IF you don't want to share that with us, what progress you are making, what strugles you are goind through in meeting your H's needs, and in having your needs met, why are you here?

Your replies to other posters appear two folds. Either you are in disagreement with a post which leads to 'my opinion counts/no my opinion counts type of converse' amoung posters, and no further discussion of your marriage takes place, OR you thank the posters for their comments, and move on. I don't see where the learning process is taking place? AGain, if you don't want to share your strugles with us, and let people help you, to quide you throught the recovery PROCESS, what is the objective of posting? This really is not a debate forum. IT is marriage building and while most of us do engage in OT from time to time, we do get into our M, especially if we are in Plan A, Plan B, or early recovery.

You said, in one of your posts that you come here when you think of OM and braking NC. Why not share your thoughts and feelings and give some indication to us of your strugles, so you can get some help? Most of the time I see you coming here and having the first type of arguments. You are entiteled to do what you want, I just do not understand it and am sharing my concern. Frankly, following your story gives no indication of what progress you are making in your M and since most of your time is spend giving advice to others that leads to 'unproductive' exchanges with many, I question your motive for being here.



A BS is not bitter because they don't give you the sympathy you are seeking. A BS has indured a lot of pain that you will NEVER understand. GET IT! YOu will never understand what happens to a BS's life. This doesn't give me the right to come after you and beat you down with a 2x4 all day long, but I have information that YOU do not have. I can relate MY pain to you that YOU cannot understand. I hate to see you minimize the pain we have. It is uncalled for. Yes, you are strugeling, and I understand that. However, as I said above, I have a difficult time (as other do I would assume) to see how to help when you don't seem to be willing to share what these stragles are, how are you dealing with them in your M, where is it that you went wrong in your M, what is it that led you to get involved in the A, what needs was your H not meeting and is he meeting them now, how are you applying the concepts here (the EN), etc. Nothing. It is difficult to help you and guide you in your recovery, when you comment on everyone's situation BUT your own. Get real sfjaj, as Dr. Phil would say. What is going on with your M?

I am a BS, and I have done Plan A and Plan B, YET I realize that there is so much more to learn about them still. I give the best advice I can based on my experiences, yet never will I believe that I know more then ark or pep or mel or mimi or many others. DO I think of them as GODS? Of course not. BUT, and here is another analogy to add to the long list, if I have just started learning how to play the piano, I will not go and teach the lady next door. I would sucede that the one that has taught the piano for a long time, the one that is teaching me to play, is a better candidate to teach the lady next door.

YOu have every right to post to others. Yet, can you not recognize that YOU are not knowledgable enough? Can you not recognize that YOU don't know enough about RECOVERY? Can you not recognize that YOU, so earlier in your own recovery process may not be qualified to give advice? Can you uderstand that while the 2x4 may not be working for you, they have helped others, and so may help others again in the future?

How much have you really read here? I see you always posting on OT, all the thread that address EXPOSURE, you are there! WHY? Why not spend the time you have here working on your M?

Is it really that important to you to state to others that YOU stand out amoung many here and that YOU don't believe in telling all? Why not make it clear what side you are coming from? Don't you think a new person seeking advice on exposure should understand that YOU were the WS, and that you have as yet to expose to OMW? Don't you think they should see where you are coming from?

You say that not everyone need to know about the A. Can you really not see that a BS trying to save their marriage, may need to do so by exposing the A to as many as as possible? Why do you assume they are doing it to hurt anyone. Anyone reading here on a MARRIAGE BUILDERS webside is here to SAVE their marriage. Have you seen one post that advocates exposure to GET BACK at the WS. It doesn't make sense to me why you would say that EXPOSURE should not be done in anger or to get back when noone is advocating that. EVERYONE here is trying to either save their own marriage OR helping someone save their marraige. NO ONE is saying, go and expose to HURT as many as possible. It is done with love. WHY? Because it is an action of love to save the WS from the A? Can you not see just how distractive the A is to the WS? Whould you not do anything to save the WS from that he$$? I dont' want to start another discussion on Exposure (I am mostly commenting to the large number of posts by you on the topic).


Daisy

Good idea, Sfjaj.

If only I had the strength...he's only 1/2 mile away, could see him all day every day. (He's retired)

Any ideas on shaking someone out of apathy?

Habiba, what about moving?

Daisy, I quite frankly don't care what others think of my motives. I know what is going on in my M. And it's others who have a problem with me disagreeing, not me. I believe in others' rights to disagree.

I have an idea ....

put tobasco on their toothbrush !

It is a definite wake up call for apathy!

Habiba, I'm sorry, these posters are really not helpful. Habiba, my best advice to you now is to get into IC before you can really make decisions regarding your M. But, if you really look within yourself, you would see that a long-term future with the FIL does not exist. Do you see that?

Habiba, you don't imagine that you will be able to go back over and see your OM again, do you? Surely you aren't planning on continuing to stick the knife into your MIL and your H and your children? I am hoping that the MIL has banned you from entering her home. Has that happened?

Habiba, any contact with your FIL must end now. You understand this, right?

habiba..

what are you going to do when your husband exposes to his mom ...and he and she move towards full custody of the children....

will you and FIL feel good then..

that is a real potential reality....

here's the disclaimer...
the question comes with no venom
no bitterness
nothing but the potential reality of YOUR choices...

ARK

sfjaj, fix yourself before you try to fix others. You know nothing about recovery and need to step aside and let others help her. Work on yourself first. The blind cannot lead the blind.

ML's absolutely right. Because of this relationship one of three things may happen to your kids.

1. They will never see their grandfather again because your H won't allow it.

2. They will never see their father again because you and yourOM/FIL won't allow it.

3. They may never see YOU again, because your H won't allow it.

Choice is yours.


FN