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I am in a situation where the OM is in NY and my WW is here NC, she is completely miserable and blames me for all her misery until she can get her fix by flying to NY for a long weekend each month.... she takes 1/2 of her entire monthly savings to fly there - leaving me to pay all her bills and all the kid stuff. I have stacks of evidence and witness testimonals of the RA, but she she continues to try, its all about me (being me) and that I am manipulating and controlling and I aweful, if I am so aweful why is she isolated and alone?

I have support of friends and family, her own best friend is supporting me.

RA's are totally distructive, I am wondering if she would ever recover.... Oh by the way OM still lives with his W and kids, he is supposedly getting a divorce

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the worst part of this is that now they have both given everything up and are now living together

i don't think they will give it all up again to try to find their way back home if they ever would realize they made a mistake...and OWH says he wouldn't take her back anyway so she'd have nowhere to go

what's worse? looking like a fool who gave it all up for love or looking like a fool who gave it all up for nothing?

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Quote:

what's worse? looking like a fool who gave it all up for love or looking like a fool who gave it all up for nothing?




Good point, eav. I am convinced that 99 times out of 100, when the AP's stay together, it's either because they know they have nothing to go back to (ie, the BS has moved on and doesn't want them) or they are afraid to admit what a terrible mistake they made.

That doesn't help you or me, though, does it? I don't think my WXH could ever admit what a total mismatch he and OW are. He's still looking through the roses-coloureds at the moment admittedly, but when reality sets in (if it ever does ) then I know he'll keep convincing himself that he did the right thing.

Alph.


Me, BS 37 Him, WXH (Noddy) 40 DD13, DD6 Married 14th August 1993 D/Day 2nd April 05 Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28 Divorce final 6th July '06. Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx ...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Quote:

Hi Marsh,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight. I have a question, what made you "wake up from your nightmare?" Was it a romantic A?

Good for you for restoring your M. That's wonderful!

I'm just trying to understand the WS perspective.

Blessings to you,




Hi R2W,

I woke up, after I established NC.

Before that, there was a great deal of internal thrashing between my intellect and my feelings. They disagreed STRONGLY, and THAT was what was making me completely loonie.

It's weird, b/c one would think my soul/values would have had a say in this battle, but I think I silenced them when I choose to have the A. So, it was left to my intellect to kick some butt.

And, yes, it was a RA! BIG TIME! ACK!

~ Marsh

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Hi Eav,

Quote:

my H is getting his fix all of the time now that he is living with OW and they are together 24-7 since he works at home and she doesn't work




Yuck!!

The fix will fizzle out. Those intense feelings are impossible to maintain as the fantasy morphs into reality.

Your H will NOT fix what ails him THIS way. He's just getting further away from truth. VERY SAD.

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the strange looks from everyone are probably gone now....i'm sure they've accepted it by now




Don't be so sure. No one likes home wreckers!

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it seems that you had some insight into your soul...or the fact that you were losing your soul-that maybe my H is lacking




I really believe that A's are soul killers. I REALLY do! I wish I could articulate how terrible it feels...deep deep down...VERY COLD.

The feelings in the A can mask it though.

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he still sees me as the problem and believes that he and OW are meant to be since they were both willing to give everything up to be together




Lies! They and the choices he makes based on believing those lies will destroy him.

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one thing i will always believe

my H and I were meant to be together because when we could have choosen anyone...when we were free in god's eyes to choose anyone to be our partner...we chose each other

and we were so proud to be together that we told everyone....there was no shame and no one was destroyed in the processof our finding happiness together

i'm still so very proud of the fact that one day long ago this man chose me to spend his life with

and i'm so saddened by the fact that one day not so long ago he decided that it was all a big mistake




He believes lies. Until he experiences pain from believing them, he'll continue on as he is.

You have truth, that is why you are able to think clearly and reasonably about all this.

I'm so sorry for all you must be suffering.

~ Marsh

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Marsh, did it take a Plan B by your spouse to help you break free from the affair?

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Quote:

Marsh, did it take a Plan B by your spouse to help you break free from the affair?




No, I broke it off a little bit at a time. But, I did it by telling the truth to myself and the OM. It wasn't easy, b/c I didn't realize how many lies I believed. I guess that's what the fog is made of. Lies.

That's one of the reasons both plan A and Plan B make SO much sense. They are both about bringing reality and TRUTH into a WS's world. It needs to be torn down, and shown what it's really made of...lies and fantasy.

~ Marsh

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What happens when this occurs but the two have never met. It is a fantasy over the internet. Even though it is over and we have reconciled he still likes to read information that she post on certain websites, is this a fix for him?

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Marshmallow:

You are a WONDERFUL BLESSING AND TREASURE to those IN PAIN here.

You speak the TRUTH, Marshmallow. What you are sharing fits EXACTLY with much that I have heard from my FWH and seen and experienced during his BROKENNESS in the early stages of Recovery.

I pray that Eav and others will HEAR and BELIEVE you.

I have a question for you that continues to PUZZLE me about my FWH's experience in his affair. He has been unwilling and/or unable to explain this to me. I'm aware that you may not know the answer to this but I'm wondering what you think. WHAT COULD HAVE MADE HIM SEEM SO AFRAID OF HER..it seemed like a FEAR of displeasing her or making her unhappy...I'm trying to rid myself of seeing that DREADFUL look on his face that I thankfully NEVER see anymore...What am I speaking about? Do you have any idea?


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thankyou Mimi. I'm glad some of what I'm sharing is resonating w/ you.

It was one of the worst things I've gone through. Hugging pure evil. UGH!

Quote:

I have a question for you that continues to PUZZLE me about my FWH's experience in his affair. He has been unwilling and/or unable to explain this to me. I'm aware that you may not know the answer to this but I'm wondering what you think. WHAT COULD HAVE MADE HIM SEEM SO AFRAID OF HER..it seemed like a FEAR of displeasing her or making her unhappy...I'm trying to rid myself of seeing that DREADFUL look on his face that I thankfully NEVER see anymore...What am I speaking about? Do you have any idea?





I'm not sure, but I'd guess it was the fear of losing what he thought he couldn't live w/o...those feelings.

~ Marsh

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Quote:

WHAT COULD HAVE MADE HIM SEEM SO AFRAID OF HER..




Or maybe he was afraid that if she didn't turn out to be the kind of person who was worth destroying his family for, he'd end up looking like a real Grade I jackass to the whole world.

Just a theory.
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Quote:

It needs to be torn down, and shown what it's really made of...lies and fantasy.





THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT PLAN B DID FOR MY FWH. He said that he learned that it was "ALL BS" and she was "BSing" him...You can't keep up the FANTASY 24/7.


I find it FASCINATING that your DESCRIPTION of your AFFAIR EXPERIENCE is so much like his.

This is another of the many examples validating the MB approach.

In regards to the FEAR that I was speaking of, he did say that he felt like she "SAVED HIS LIFE" when he was depressed..but I've been thinking while reading here that maybe he became depressed because of being involved with her as much as being depressed beforehand....so maybe he was FEARFUL of FEELING that BAD AGAIN....if he LOST HER...YUCK...

Mulan, you also are onto something.... ..the A*&^Hole PHOBIA..which he was one of those at the time....


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Quote:

In regards to the FEAR that I was speaking of, he did say that he felt like she "SAVED HIS LIFE" when he was depressed..but I've been thinking while reading here that maybe he became depressed because of being involved with her as much as being depressed beforehand....so maybe he was FEARFUL of FEELING that BAD AGAIN....if he LOST HER...YUCK...




Before my A, my dad was dying and I had other things that were making it difficult to maintain my usual happy nature. BUT, I didn't become DEPRESSED and NUTZ until I started the A.

I felt over the top while I was getting my fix, but the rest of the time, I felt absolutely miserable. I can see how WS's would believe the OP was making them happy.

But, really, it's just another lie.

~ Marsh

Last edited by Marshmallow; 11/09/06 12:45 PM.
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Quote:


We once had a discussion on this forum about WSs that would stay with the OP even after it became obvious things weren't working out like they planned -- the motivation coming from an inability to admit their mistake or face the shame of their actions once the "fog" lifted.

There is also the fear that the BS will forever hold the affair against them should they return.




Hiker,

This is my situation exactly.
The OW is completely different than my BW & myself.
We had nothing in common but SF.

I abandoned EVERYTHING for her- my M, my kids, my family, all my possessions except my clothes, my dog, my church, my friends, etc.

When it lost it'a luster, I stubbornly held on so I wouldn't have to accept responsibility for my actions, & because I was SURE I would never live it down.

But I finally saw the light (after OW threw me out the third time) & asked my BW for another chance.

3 weeks into recovery & it's looking better than it's been for years. I am a very lucky man.


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Quote:

What happens when this occurs but the two have never met. It is a fantasy over the internet. Even though it is over and we have reconciled he still likes to read information that she post on certain websites, is this a fix for him?




Yes.

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"The power of self-deception is often proportional to the guilt one would be forced to endure without it;"

Sorry - just started reading this thread and the above statement about self-deception really jumped out at me.

It helps explain how/why my WXH maintains such in insanely delusional spin on everything!

Really, if I had behaved as he did I bet I'd be really tempted to just pretend it never happened too (or that it all happened very differently)!

And again reconfirms that he will never change.
In fact, the ONLY attempts he made at reconciliation included insistance from him that we reconcile secretly... his family, co-workers, friends weren't supposed to ever know he wanted me back. He told me it was none of their business and that I was too concerned about what others think if I wouldn't agree to keeping our reconciliation secret!

You bet I jumped on that offer (NOT!!!)

Anyway, carry on with this most excellent thread.

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Prodigal Husband, you posted:

"I stubbornly held on so I wouldn't have to accept responsibility for my actions, & because I was SURE I would never live it down."

I KNOW that's exactly what my WXH was doing too.

At one point he even suggested (while he was still with OW) that we could get back together again when his job here ended and he took another job out of state. He knew OW wouldn't leave her family and friends to move away with him. And he didn't want to explain to his co-workers why he'd get back together with me (after lying to them about what a supposed monster I was).

Well, OW did eventually break up with him, his job ended, he moved out of state for next job...

And then he did want me to move in with him, BUT never get remarried, and not tell his family (they live in Florida and never come to visit)!

I told him I'd rather live in a homeless shelter than take that offer!

SOOOOO.... I'm assuming you were never that far delusional and/or you knew your wife would never ever put up with that.

Unlike my WXH you must have had more desire to reconcile with your wife than to save face? Or maybe you just hadn't behaved as insane as my WXH so it was still possible for you to do the right thing with some sense of dignity still?

Really curious

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prodigalhusband,

Thanks very much to you for posting here.

How long did you and OW live together before your final bust-up?

Alph.


Me, BS 37 Him, WXH (Noddy) 40 DD13, DD6 Married 14th August 1993 D/Day 2nd April 05 Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28 Divorce final 6th July '06. Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx ...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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I wonder in RA's what that moment is like when the WS decides its what it is and thinks of coming back? Not that mine is anywhere near that on the contrary she is still spiralling out of control. But as someone who wants to have a chance to reconcile one day, what does it look like, what does it sound like. She knows it has to over with OM before I would talk, but would she really come out and be that honest about it, because what it sounds like is that initially they don't the responsibility that they should.

I know mine is PA/Narcissit right now so how does that change, I know it will take the OM to dump her. I also know he will blame me, saying that they can't be together because of me.

We have court in two weeks for custody and she has this world view that no matter what I have on her or how I have been with the kids she will win everything, the kids the money its almost sad how much she feels entitled.

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Vike,


Done right by your lawyer and yourself, your wife may be just about to get the first notion that the world doesn't cater to her and her affair. I pray that the court sees through her and places your children in your care, makes her pay 1/2 the bills, child support, forbids the OM from being around them and more. This will be something of a wake up call. Will it be enough, I doubt it based on my own EX WW experience and actions. Although since she lost custody and pays CS she has come down from her mountain top of thinking that she was untouchable but only a short distance, not nearly far enough to see the bottom yet. She will, wait and watch (as will Mrs. Vike).

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