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Should she tell the OMW? I don't agree with that. Would this cause more harm than good? Would knowing that another woman was carrying her H's child be enough to damage this woman irreparably? I just feel that it would be more to punish the MOM than to benefit the OM's W.
YES MOMW needs and deserves to know the truth about her life. "Cause her more harm"? How? By knowing why her M is lacking intimacy because of the open sore of betrayal that she feels but does not know about? Because her H put her at risk for STD's? Because her H betrayed her in the worst way by getting his MOW knocked up? As a BS, you KNOW that she knows something is wrong and the gap between her and her H will grow wider over the years until the truth comes out. As a BS do you not think MOMW should be able to decide for herself if she wants to stay M'd to a liar and a cheater? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to add that all this poster is doing is blameshifting, I don't see her taking responsibility for her actions but I see her pushing all the blame on her H.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:52 PM.

5 children 7-19
Married 20 years
* * * *
Before you speak or write, just ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:53 PM.

5 children 7-19
Married 20 years
* * * *
Before you speak or write, just ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
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Since there was no further contact with lover, any explanation of the affair to his wife was his responsibility.
REALLY? Whatever happened to loving your neighbor/brother/sister? Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I also wonder why you are posting this story on the p/c board instead of general. Do you have a desire to hurt the women on this board even further than they already have been hurt? If this is a cautionary tale of how not to become a WW then it belongs on general.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:54 PM.

5 children 7-19
Married 20 years
* * * *
Before you speak or write, just ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
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Since no one knows what two bulls will do when confronting one another (and since the "other bull" was ten years younger) I opted not to tell him his name. I wanted to keep my husband safe from harm's way, and from legal trouble. He did exhaust himself trying to find out, which perhaps was cruel on my part.
[/quote] That was utterly selfish and cruel. I went through the same thing with my FWH and believe me it is cruel beyond belief that you could sit there and after hurting him in the way you did with your betrayal, that YOU could decide WHAT he could know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

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But there were some details that I was willing to share, and some I was NOT willing to share. Dr. Harley advocates "tell all," but my position on some things was, "Why do you want to know?" And if my husband could not articulate a reason that HE found worthy, then I did not answer.
So you are smarter than Dr. Harley too? Wow! A liar, a cheater and smarter than the man that has saved countless marriages. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I truly hope the rest of this story comes to the point of you telling every detail including your AFFAIR partners name to your poor BH.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:54 PM.

5 children 7-19
Married 20 years
* * * *
Before you speak or write, just ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 163
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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:56 PM.
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Like many Betrayed Spouses here, my husband saw himself as a tremendously put-upon saint


your hostility is ooozing

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You had me, I could feel your pain.
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I opted not to tell him his name. I wanted to keep my husband safe from harm's way, and from legal trouble. He did exhaust himself trying to find out, which perhaps was cruel on my part.
Then ya lost me, you cannot control someone else's reaction's, to do so is controlling.

You thought you did the right thing, now only time will tell.

but a serious ?, have you found a day sitter to help you with your children? I think you would benifit with the help.

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I don't understand one detail.

Your husband was ignoring you and not involved enough in therapy yet he went to marital counseling with you twice a week? I can't envision a scenario where a husband goes to marital counseling, twice a week, at the most expensive therapist in town and yet his wife thinks he is not engaged in fixing the marriage or involved in the therapy to a satisfactory level.

Additionally, contrary to your hypothesis my wife was VERY forthright about all the details of her affair. There isn't a thing I don't know and my wife has reaped the benefits of being radically honest. A recovered marriage with ever growing intimacy. Your theory presumes your husband is merely your dog (fleas and all) in need of admiration. I propose that if you feed your dog too much junkfood, it MAY really wag it's tail and love you...but in the end all you've got is a dog, with an ever present upset stomach and loads of crap in your grass. A man you respect, love and desire to rebuild a intimate marriage with...deserves the entire truth and then he can do what he wants with that truth. Your dishonest serves neither him nor you.

Lastly, a guess...your graduate degree...in the pysch field???

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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As Faithful said,
Your tale belongs in general. Your callous attitude toward marriage, your justifications and lying are not going to bring you any assistance from this board. If you want help for a healthy marriage, then throw out your pious, self-rightous attitude, find true remorse which you have shown none of for your spouse, children, and the other man's wife, and don't spout your justifications for the behavior you exhibited to those of us that have suffered from the same type of reckless, cruel behavior.


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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The thoughtful Wayward Wife instead realizes that her Betrayed Husband is seeking assurance, and deposits into the Love Bank. So, she tactfully says: "I find you so much more attractive for so many reasons. You're the one that I want, and have always wanted, in my life. I don't want to think any more about what happened, or to be reminded of it. Please don't ask."
excuse me while I throw up. What are you writing a book? When my H asked me questions about my A, I gave him the whole truth. Unfortunately MY pain was extended for a great deal of time due to my H be very resistant to giving me the details I NEEDED to heal. YOU as the wayward do not get to decide which details are "important"


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:57 PM.

5 children 7-19
Married 20 years
* * * *
Before you speak or write, just ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
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"And what did I have to show for this marriage? A man who yelled at me for trivialities, complete and total social isolation, three sick children out of five, and a dead baby."

Really? I see a lot of blame shifting here. Your husband didn't choose for you to be PG from the OM. Your husband didn't choose a dead baby either.

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I am removing my post with the mutual agreement of my wife.

Last edited by finetoapoint; 07/16/07 09:57 AM.
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this is fishbait

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Isn't it odd, that I was not nearly that nice.

Not odd at all. As a matter of fact its so typical we can map a chart to it.

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Like a lot of spouses that wander, I had been so aggravated over so long, that I would really rather have ditched it all, if not for the kids. I wanted an in-house separation so I could spend less time with my husband.

So why didn't you just ditch it all (aka divorce) but BEFORE you cheated.

I'll tell you why, because having and eating cake is so much easier on you.

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I am removing this posting by mutual agreement with my husband. Thank you all for your interesting remarks and thoughtful comments.

Last edited by sweetsobriquet; 07/15/07 05:58 PM.

5 children 7-19
Married 20 years
* * * *
Before you speak or write, just ask yourself three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
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Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

So why not add to the perceived insanity by having an adulteress affair.

Oh wait, you did.

Quote
But since we were all still chronically sleep deprived, and prone to his intermittent yelling over trivialities for no apparent reason, it was not a peaceful house.

Now this is a stretch so bare with me, but do you think maybe just maybe, he was hurting unbelievably over your betrayal of him. I mean, how dare he demonstrate any kind of human emotions for feeling the devistating trauma of being lied to and betrayed by the one person he THOUGHT he could trust. The nerve.


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