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it just does not seem to be getting easier for me to deal with, in fact it is quite the opposite, it seems to be getting worse I'm sorry SC! That sucks! Did YOU ever go for counseling when you found out about the A? How did you and your H handle this situation? Is he onboard with MB? *** SC I just went back and read when you 1st started posting on MB. Has your H EVER helped YOU deal with his A? What is he doing to help with M recovery? Things were so out of balance for you during his illness I can only imagine how horrible that was. In the past or not he NEEDS to help YOU. Wouldn't WS all be so happy if they got to sweep it under the rug?! There are consequences for actions and your H has GOT to realize you need him to help you. It took quite awhile for my H to come to grips with I really had to get thru this with his help and committment. Without it there would be no recovery of our M. Your recovery has been hindered by his illness. I pray that he'll get onboard and work on recovery TOGETHER with you. If he would listen what would you ask of him? (((SC))) wishing you a blessed evening.
Last edited by mvg; 04/14/08 04:53 PM. Reason: ***more to say
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I leave you two alone for one day, and WHAMMO! the bottom drops!
SC, it sounds as if you've got some things to do. You must ASK for what you need to heal and also find your boundaries. If MC is the ticket and it's a deal breaker, you need to make this known and be ready to back it up with YOUR actions.
How's about bringing up your own thread and posting again. Or start a new thread, attaching your old thread to the first post, ask for advice on your sitch, with an update on what's happened so far.
mvg, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and your DGD. Something is fishy in that sitch.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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Hey SL! Things do tend to go to [censored] around here quite frequently. But I knew someone would show up to help me help SC find her way. SC, SLS suggestion about bringing your thread back up might be good...helps with continuity. Or start a new thread and cut and paste your current sitch with past history. SL yeah DD sitch is fishy. Her Xfinance was either REALLY fed up and hurt because he is being cruel OR he was never the guy he pretended to be for several years. I dunno. I could ring his neck tho! Thanks!
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Well ladies i don't know maybe i will start my own thread i don't know yet.
mvg how is your DD doing? And i agree with SL something definitely sounds fishy.
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DD is not doing good and as much as I'm 'trying' to say the right things and being supportive apparently I am not. She told me this morning I don't understand, I've never been thru this, I've never had to answer a toddler's questions of is dad still my dad, am I going to get a new dad, etc. Fiance is rewriting history. She is buying into it. I tell her he's rewriting for his own benefit and exagerating her faults/flaws/whatever just because he says things does NOT make them the truth. (THANK YOU LA for making me understand that!) I'm not quite sure what to do or say. I continue to be supportive and I know she is going thru the grieving process, I'm just lost as to how to help her better. SC thanks for asking and I wanted you to know you've been on my mind too. I don't think YOU had the opportunity to grieve for your M with your H's illness so soon after D-Day and IMO that has delayed ALOT of your feelings/emotions/defenses. I pray that while your H's illness had a life changing effect on HIS life, that he would realize you need to get healing/closure too.
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STINKIN THINKIN ALERT!!! Everyone put on their masks, mind quality is BAD today! It must be everything catching up with me REALLY BAD ST Day! :eek:
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SLAP!! That is just to get you out of you ST alert LOL!!! Hope your day has got better.
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Hey MVG- a while back you invited me to join the ST talk! Well here I am.
I need help with ST- here is my dealio- my FWH dad was in a serious accident a couple weeks ago- he is in ICU. Here it comes- OW is a nurse for another hospital but she works in NICU (babies). I have suffered trigger after trigger- I keep my mouth shut and do a ton of self talk- but I am dying on the inside. I want him to reaffirm me that he does want to call her for medical information- as it seems we can't get a straight story from anyone. I KNOW she would be no help- but oh my how my mind is going down that road.
On the flip side- we had gotten to the point where we were much closer and he has been extremely open to me about how he feels etc He says he is glad I am here for him etc- but I silently combat triggers- it is hurtful and harder than hades. I am trying to be supportive and not burden him with my baggage- as he doesnt need anything else on his plate.
I feel like I am doing a balancing act between his needs and my needs. UGH.
BS-me 38y FWH-39y DDay-11-30-06 DS-14y DS-8y DS-2y Married December 1992
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mvg sorry i have not posted more (other than my drive by post) it has been a crazy day. I hope i at least got a grin out of you . I wonder if maybe your ST (this time anyway) maybe has something to due with what is going on with your DD. I am sure that you are at least thinking it is possible that her fiance is being wayward and it is bringing up the ST painful memories. Although believe me i know they ( ST) can come out of anywhere at anytime darn it. amartini welcome to the ST group, not a very good place to be but a good bunch of people to be here with. I don't know if i could be silent in my ST when it comes to contacting the OW. I keep it to myself a lot too but that is one i don't think i would be able to let happen no matter the circumstances.
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(((amartini))) triggers are a biatch!
YOU are realizing it's triggers tho and that is GOOD!!!!!
You realize the OW would be of NO help with information. You and your H are getting closer. WONDERFUL!
Why are you not getting straight answers? Are they still doing testing or something thats not conclusive right now?
Take a deep breath! You are in a high stress situation, and we forget to breath. Get your questions down on paper...corner the doc...ask the questions, do NOT let doc give you run around, demand current status and docs plan of action. Taking control SHOULD help with controlling the triggers.
Keep talking to yourself, journaling, voice your concerns here, anything that will help YOU deal with the sitch. If you are a religious person, PRAY for answers and to take these triggers from you. BE STILL to hear the answer AND to calm yourself.
IMO realizing you are having TRIGGERS is half the battle. YOU KNOW they are not logical.
Know that we are here for YOU!
I hope your H will recover quickly and completely. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch.
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wonder if maybe your ST (this time anyway) maybe has something to due with what is going on with your DD. I am sure that you are at least thinking it is possible that her fiance is being wayward and it is bringing up the ST painful memories. SC, YUP right on the money! Brought back 30 years of was he seeing/contacting/cheating our whole M?! UGH I made it through and kept busy to not focus on ST. Regarding my DD, I told my H that I must not be a very good judge of people because of xfiance's actions. He didn't seem to be that type of person to be so cruel. H said he didn't either. Now about my ST day....MY INSECURITY! H is working new hours starting this week which really leaves us about 1 hr a day together before he goes to bed. He is worn out when he gets home (I know this in my head) but it had seemed to me I was last on his list of priorities. Yesterday he spent that time ONLY with me. I never said a word he did it on his own. Today is a new day, with a better prespective! Praying for a non- ST for everyone!
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NO NO he did not contact the OW about medical questions- JUST MY MIND think he would. He has done or said nothing that would or has indicated he has. It's IN MY MIND- him thinking "my dad may be dying and are this doctors doing everything to help him- let me call OW and just see." You know him just being desperate for medical help. I know it is totally fear based. But that doesnt stop my head from thinking it.
I was reading something the other day that said in a crisis situation the dynamics of marital relationship because clearer- you know if it is troubled- bickering, fighting, no communication etc whereas if it is at a good place- talking support etc. This came in an email to me in the midst of this situation- which gave me comfort.
I told my fwh last night about reading this and how it provided me comfort- I asked if he felt okay with us- he assured me we were good. I then told him one of my fears is this entire situation will cause him to reflect on what he wants out of life and if I would be a part of it. He teared up, hugged me and it will not cause him to reassess anything.
As far as the doctors are concerned- they provide answers like because of his age he has a better chance of dying than living- you never can tell with a head injury what's going to happen- there is no use doing that test because . . . well (and then they point to him) then they have the family set up arrangements to move him to another hospital that provides long term acute care saying he is stable- all within an hour. It's just confusing and stressful.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I am just trying like you wouldn't believe to be nice and supportive to him and his family.
BS-me 38y FWH-39y DDay-11-30-06 DS-14y DS-8y DS-2y Married December 1992
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Now about my ST day....MY INSECURITY!
Isn't that really what ST is- our insecurities. I mean I keep thinking if I felt more secure in my relationship then these thoughts would either not pop into my head or if they did- I'd be like whatever and move on- not creating a big ordeal out of nothing.
Just wondering- because I am so ready to have one day in my life where this A does not haunt me in some way. There are times when I feel like- hey why should I stay if everyday the hurt, pain, and betrayal hangs over my head- why stay I deserve to be in a relationship where I am not constantly reminded of the betrayal. Then I have people tell me it'll take a couple of years maybe five. It just bites.
Just thoughts and my opinion Amartini
BS-me 38y FWH-39y DDay-11-30-06 DS-14y DS-8y DS-2y Married December 1992
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(((amartini))) that is a hard situation with your H. I'm so glad you told him how you were feeling. THAT does help to have his reassurance! ST...insecurity and fear. I know exactly how you feel on those ST days! CUT AND RUN, just ain't worth the heartache! Time does help. We're at 8 months post DDAY. Triggers are much less but they do occur and usually under stressful situations. If there is a positive in triggers it is being able to recognize they are triggers and are usually illogical...not based on the here and now but on the past. IMO it is a HUGE step forward in faith to work through the triggers. It says alot about character and determination, whatever the outcome. I hope today is a WONDERFUL day for you even with your H in the hospital, look for any blessing to focus on. (((thoughts and prayers to you and your family))).
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I was so glad when Friday came! Been a heck of a week. I was flat worn out and emotionally empty. My D called yesterday morning to ask if I would keep my GD overnight and I about came unglued. I REALLY need some down time with no other responsibilities. I told her let me check with my H and if he had no plans then sure. It's not that I didn't want to help her or see my GD I really just needed down time. Of course then I felt very selfish to even think like that. As it turned out D kept GD at home. My H and I had a good conversation about D's situation and my above feelings. I also told him this has really made me trigger, which I knew was illogical but that is what was happening. He was VERY comforting towards me and reassured me on alot of things. It sure felt great to have him be supportive! SC and amartini I hope you both have a calm weekend.
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Hi mvg, amartini, SL, SC, others It's not that I didn't want to help her or see my GD I really just needed down time. Of course then I felt very selfish to even think like that. As it turned out D kept GD at home. Been lurking here, mvg but haven't posted since I haven't made time to read details.....however I noticed this and thought I'd add a perspective that really is helping me with my guilt in hesitating to help at times. If you don't make time for your needs (taker) when your giver instincts throw guilt in your face, your giver will eventually render you useless to help anyone. I think that that's what burn-out actually is....when you continuously, repeatedly, redundantly allow your giver to throw you under the "helping" bus by squelching your taker's survival instincts when you need 'down time'. It's interesting to learn about our 'giver/taker' perspectives....both are necessary but the trick is to intellectually find the balance. Does that make sense? Ace P.S. Still praying for your DD/DGD from your post on the Smiles thread.
FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr. 4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Makes perfect sense Acey. Still hard because I know how much DD is hurting. She was upset with us yesterday because we didn't offer to bring GD home with us. She was upset because after GD birthday party everyone left. She was upset because she is so exhausted it's hard to function.
Unfortunately DD's personality is IF left to despare she'll wallow in it for a VERY long time. My thinking was if she HAD to function for GD she would rise to the occassion. Unfortunately, I'm just not so sure of that right now. She will not allow herself to feel anything positive at this point. It breaks my heart. She is VERY much at the bottom of the pit.
Family support of her is not working. Family advice is not working. She doesn't feel as if anyone understands. It a whole "woe is me" situation.
I don't think I had said this she has been divorced a 4 years ago. She went through VERY destructive behavior during that time. I am afraid that she'll do that again.
I told her last night I would take GD for a week or so if that's what she needed. She said a week? I said ok longer if you want. My thinking is ok she won't do that. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not....trying to pull her out of her hole.???? I know she doesn't want to be apart from her daughter.
I also told her I'm sorry she feels we dont' understand but we are trying to be supportive of her but we can't do this or go through this for her.
Hopefully today will be a better day for her.
Thank you for your prayers...we NEED them.
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No advice, just wanted to drop by and give you a cyber hug, (((((((((mvg)))))))) I am so sorry for your DD and for your worry about her.
I am also sorry to say that i still have not made it out of my ST funk so i feel her (your DD that is), it has been about a month now where it has been REALLY bad and i just don't know how to bring myself out of it so i obviously can't advise you huh?
And if she has the "woe is me" attitude i do not know if taking your GD will help or not. Sometimes the answers lie within ourselves and others can not help us we just need to figure it out on our own.
Does your DD know of your H's EA? If she does then she should see that you do "understand" even if the circumstances are different you have felt BETRAYAL and how that hurts know matter how it was handed out.
I will keep you all in my prayers. Good luck!!
Last edited by Still_Crazy; 04/20/08 07:10 AM. Reason: nevermind i thought i mis-spelled a word
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NO NO he did not contact the OW about medical questions- JUST MY MIND think he would. He has done or said nothing that would or has indicated he has. It's IN MY MIND- him thinking "my dad may be dying and are this doctors doing everything to help him- let me call OW and just see." You know him just being desperate for medical help. I know it is totally fear based. But that doesnt stop my head from thinking it.
I was reading something the other day that said in a crisis situation the dynamics of marital relationship because clearer- you know if it is troubled- bickering, fighting, no communication etc whereas if it is at a good place- talking support etc. This came in an email to me in the midst of this situation- which gave me comfort.
I told my fwh last night about reading this and how it provided me comfort- I asked if he felt okay with us- he assured me we were good. I then told him one of my fears is this entire situation will cause him to reflect on what he wants out of life and if I would be a part of it. He teared up, hugged me and it will not cause him to reassess anything.
As far as the doctors are concerned- they provide answers like because of his age he has a better chance of dying than living- you never can tell with a head injury what's going to happen- there is no use doing that test because . . . well (and then they point to him) then they have the family set up arrangements to move him to another hospital that provides long term acute care saying he is stable- all within an hour. It's just confusing and stressful.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I am just trying like you wouldn't believe to be nice and supportive to him and his family. Sorry for the assupmtion amartini (you know what assuming can do LOL). I had not read your story and thought your FWH was contacting the OW for medical advice. And yes ST is about OUR insecurities. I had plenty of them pre-A now they are magnified so much that i sometimes do not have a "regular" thought in my brain only ST ones daggone it . Hopefully your FIL is getting better. I will keep you and yours in my prayers as well.
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